Day Twentyone:

Why does my heart feel so bad….

Why does my soul bleed so bad…

Another day of pooh I am afraid Shell got a phone call from her mate Rachel and immediately rushed off to look after her teenage kids as they have looked at porn and using the landline, why not simply block the sites from access on the router and put a pin on the phone?

As it turns out that when this was happening on day 19 Shell and Darren had prearranged to go and meet up and have sex in a field, they both lied to my face and have ruined nearly 20 years of friendship.

Dazza is coming down today we were supposed to be tidying the house and getting everything ready as Dan and Nina might come as well, this means we have to tidy up so that they all have somewhere to sleep.

As I cleaned the house they had met up and was fucking behind my back.

I have been up since yesterday crying and crying and crying I am an emotional wreck, I have know one to talk to as my best friend Simone whom I usually talk to when I have know one, can’t talk to me because she can hardly speak.

Both of us feel sick to our stomaches and I have no idea what will happen now.

Shell and I went to Costa and had lunch together with my Nan, I am trying so hard to forgive her as I know she loves me and she did admit everything to me, this has not been going on for long apparently it was all bollocks lust and jokes to start with that went over the line.

I hope that is the truth and if it is not there is nothing I can do about it, Loving kindness Darren Edwards may your life be filled with Loving Kindness and happiness I can forgive you but I do not think I will ever be able to be your friend.

I have just rolled Shell a joint with Tobacco in it I am not smoking any and stay as strong as I can, I feel alone and isolated and have know where to turn, I love Shell so much and it hurts less to forgive her than to hate her and let her go.

I hope that forgiving her is the right thing to do for the sake of the children as I do honestly be leave she loves me whole heartedly.

I am going to try every day to tell her I love her as the way I have treated her over the last few years was horrible and damn right torturous. I do claim my self for Shell feeling that she had to find someone else to feel loved as I had over time beaten her down to the point where not only is she scared of her own shadow but she felt alone and needed personal contact with another man to feel something.

I am so confused now but am trying not to be angry at all as all that will do is cause me pain.

All I want is Shell and I and the kids to be a family and love and care for each other, if that is what she wants then I will try with every part of my body and soul to make her feel loved and wanted so that she never feels she has to reach out for someone else.

I love you Shell and hope that I am not being a fool or taken for a ride as I honestly be leave what you told be true and that you genuinely did not want to break these things.

I doubt I will ever be able to talk to Simone again after all this I have lost life long friends and no I can’t even count them on one hand whom will I talk to when I am down.

No Turbo today I nearly smoked a cigarette just now and may even have one any way.

Well I am weak and have just smoked a joint with a very small amount of tobacco init and  a large amount of weed, it tasted horrible and I am struggling to smoke it but the endorphin release from the poisonous smoke attack on my central nervous system has calmed me no end, I am sure this will make a bit harder over the next few days to get by but I know that even though I have let my self down again there is no more cigarettes in the house and I am not buying any.

Please don’t hate me for smoking but I have still quit, maybe I just hate myself, I am classing this as another relapse.

I am weighing in now at 54 Kilos and have put on 5KG in three weeks.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s