Day Twentytwo:

I spoke to Dan and Nina last night some good friends of mine and broke down completely although Nina did not say a slot she really made me feel better just because she cared.
As soft as silly as this may sound to some I feel people even over distances and really needed someone to just call me and say everything would be okay those people where Dan and Nina then Zak.

Spoke to Zak, have not spoken to him in a long while, he said he could pop over I hope he can it would be great to see him.

Darren was one of my best friends I never thought for one nano second that he would betray my trust the way he has, it just goes to show that even the people you have known nearly half your life can let you down at the drop of a condom, we was business partners, went to uni together and was trying to makes games to sell on the App store.

I have lost more than just friendship Darren, I do not think you will ever read this or even care as you have removed me from your contacts lists I noticed.

But if you do, I want you to know that I forgive you for breaking the trust we had built over the last eighteen years of friendship for ruining two families and effecting four children’s lives.

Of course you’re not to blam entirely Shell has to take 50% of all the above as well.

The kids have been really effected by the atmosphere in the house today although I have not shouted or been resentful to Shell, the kids know what is going on, Amber had an emo fit this morning and stressed out every body for over an hour.

Jade has really been effected by all of this she is so disappointed with her Mum, I really feel this in Shell as they have just got really close again and this has made Jade very angry and bitter, I must try to talk to Jade and try to help fix this.

Most people have contacted Shell to make sure she was okay, probably thought I had beaten her up, but hardly any have contacted me, I know it is because I have been violent in the past and the friends where worried for her safety, although that is a massive exaggeration I have hit her before and regretted it ever since so their worry is justified.

Shell has had lots of support that I have lacked due to the above we reap what we sow.

The Karma Boot of Pain” has given me a huge kick in the arse.

I had real troubles sleeping Darren and Shell where texting each other on the sofa in front of me I knew what was going on I even see Shells face on Darren’s phone as I was sat behind them. They blatantly and obviously right in front of my face carried on, they may as well have just said hey we are going to have sex right here in front of you would you mind leaving the room, that is how obvious and blatant they where being.

Later that night I caught Shell master-bating whilst talking to him as he was downstairs.
The filth I found on her phone was shocking even to me I am so hurt.

It makes you want to reach out to God, Mother Nature, The Universe in the hope that you can feel some caring compassion from Life itself.

My muscles are spasming more and more, I think the stress has a lot to do with it but after all this time without any medication and with everything that is going on I feel like I am in a walking torture chamber, every part of my body hurts my spine is in agony even to the slightest touch, my legs are all locked up and tender and my eyes are red roar from crying non stop every waking hour.

I don’t know if any of this should be public and on the Internet but it is really helping me to let it all go, I am trying so hard to forgive Shell with Loving Kindness caring compassion and know whole heartily that if I had not treated her so badly non of this would have happened.

I am going to have my Turbo today as I do have the ingredients I must thank my sister again for getting me into juicing as it is making me a better person in every way possible.

I have had my Turbo YAY it really tastes good and your body thanks you immediately.

Rachel phoned Shell again and asked if she could just pop over and help her again although this is exactly the same scenario as she used to lie about meeting with Darren I am trying hard to let those feelings go now.

As Karen reminded me forgiving Shell is only part of the process, I have to forget as well so that I can heal fully and we can try to save our family together.

I have nothing more I want than to just carry on as if nothing happened and that is what I am trying to do, Shell is struggling with the massive amounts of guilt on her shoulders she has had some nasty texts calling her a whore but I must remind anyone listening it does take two to tango and both parties where whores and equally responsible despite what anyone else says or thinks.

One thing I have noticed is that although Shell spent all that time on google plus and Facebook chatting to Darren.

Shell Otway
On my profile that hurts so much and has just made me burst into tears.

Loving Kindness, Loving Kindness, Loving Kindness, Namaste

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