Day Twentysix:

I had a really old friend Zak come over last night, we sat up all night drinking various alcohols and chatted until the very early hours (6am) Yes I did smoke a few ^^.

I feel a lot better for seeing Zak he reminded me just how Special Shell is to me, he has known me for as long as I have known her, perhaps a little longer.

We talked a lot about times of old reminisced and spent some time looking at his videos on YouTube. I had no idea he had a talent for video editing / production and most where great camera angles put together with music, I found he had really caught the thrill and excitement of downhill grass boarding as he had attached cameras to himself and the board and experimented with camera angles after effects and editing.

Zak told me some home truths, to start with it is not a decade of pharmaceutical addiction it is two decades where did I loose a whole ten years of my life?

He said that I am lazy and he half expected there to be a 50K car outside as I have always been a dreamer, a visionary someone whom wanted more out of life and never see what he actually had, it is time to make smaller more realistic dreams that are attainable and can be built like building blocks into the bigger picture.

Of course he is right I have so much potential, huge skill set, qualifications coming out of my bum but have always lacked the motivation to get of my arse and just do it.

Call it fear, call it laziness, depression or just damn right pig headiness whatever the excuses I try to come up with none of them really explain my failure to realise that I have a massive amount of talent within me, every body else seems to see it except me.

I have always been ahead of the game in my thoughts of how I think things will be, Zak reminded me of some of the ideas I had years ago that have miraculously come to life, but not for me for some other company.

I take all this breathe it in and let it go, I know I can make something more of myself and have learnt recently that I actually do have a good life, I have a wife that loves me, my kids are reasonable people, well-behaved and are doing okay at school.

I am still juicing and am keenly awaiting Shells arrival from the shops with some Spinach Leaves.

I applied for a scholarship in NLP and am anxious to find out if I have been accepted as paying for a course would be difficult due to finances at the moment but I am certain I can find a way to pay for the next levels once I get this scholarship completed.

Still not taken any medications what so ever the self-help and hypnosis is making a huge difference, I am still in a lot of pain and suffering, the tingling sensations and pins and needles in my left shoulder and down my right arm make me feel weak and I my legs still fail me and I collapse in a heap a few times a day as my legs have just given way.

Chronic pain is something I find hard to get used to and don’t know if I ever will.

Loving Kindness, Loving Kindness, Loving Kindness, Namaste

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