Day Twentynine:

Whilst you read this post perhaps a listen to this may sooth your mind, just as it has mine.

Started the day badly today, no idea what happened to all my positivity listened to The Eagles Lyin” Eyes and Volbeat Still Counting, maybe not such a good idea but I needed to feel this and let it go, last night whilst setting the alarm, I found a pair or Shell’s black underwear sitting there under the stairs, they just happened to be the culprits of her lust and I freaked out.

I never shouted or got angry just went inside myself and was all quiet, I have not spoken to Shell much today, I am having trouble making love to her, I feel used abused and dirty, like a broken second hand gift, hopefully someone will come and buy me for a few pennies, dust me off, take me home and treasure me, kissing her is not the same anymore, even prostitutes don’t kiss their clients but she kissed another man without any thought, her lips just do not feel the same.

I still have troubles looking into her eyes she lied to my face and I believed her full heartedly.
How can I forgive?  Even looking into her eyes makes me cry, resentment and fear all held in a broken heart.

Trying to forgive and forget is harder than I thought it would be, the turmoil in my mind is like a tormenting tornado, I am inside it spinning around and around I can see the way out but the spinning is stopping me from escaping, I am torn, ripped, my skin bleeds pain from its pores, my eyes bleed tears of blood.

The pain in my body consumes me, I’m lethargic, my mind is numb, when I smile I feel like it will crack and my skin will simply peel off, Shell has no idea how much she has hurt me and I do not think she ever will.

I forgive but forgetting is something that will take time.
I am hurting so much today both psychically and emotionally, Darren clearly didn’t give a fuck about me, he was jealous envious and wanted nothing from me except to destroy me, Shell fell into his trap as she is a whore, a sex addict whom only cares for her own selfish pleasure and lust how do I deal with that?

Clearly today I am deeply depressed considering the amount of happiness I have bought myself I guess I am allowed a sad day now and again, I am trying to get this out of my head so it does not anger me, I do not want to loose control, loose my sanity, loose my self.

Thanks for reading my rants over the last few weeks today I am feeling hurt isolated and all alone.

It’s 11:20 listening to Birdy and Shell has just made me a Turbo, after drinking it I feel better, the juice does not just help your internal digestives, but also helps the mind to be clear, missed out on it yesterday and I think I need to make sure I drink one everyday.

Nan has just arrived to take us all to the opticians we are supposed to be going out for coffee after and visiting the Apple store, but instead I am sulking and ruining it all for everyone, maybe I do not deserve to be happy!

Anyway they have all left without me, I sit alone. listen to sad music and type.

Shell has not read this post yet and I know it will upset her to read it, I do not want to hurt her feelings, make her feel sad or hurt her in anyway at all, I am full of selfish hatred that I am trying so hard to soften, so hard to let it go.

All I want is for someone to love me, hold me, feel me, genuinely care, and to know that when I look into their eyes they will never hurt me.

I love you Shell.

More than the stars in the sky.
More than the molecules in universe.
More than life itself.

It hurts so much to love you, it hurts so much to care.
But as long as I can feel you, I know you’ll always be there.

Sorry for my depressing post today but know this, sharing all of this with y’all has lifted a huge weight from my shoulders and by reading this your helping me heal by sharing your loving kindness and caring with me.

Thank you for caring I can feel all of you and will always have a hug in my heart for all that need it, my shoulder is always there for those who need it to cry on.

I am now going to listen to some Malcolm Huxter to heal my emotions.

Broken Shell

A Broken Shell

13:56 Shell arrived home about an hour ago, came right over to me and hugged me so tight, I really felt her and although the moment was short lived, it really felt special, she turned my face away from the computer and told me she had read my blog and was sorry for making me feel this way, we held each other for what seemed like an eternity but was really just a few minutes.

She went into the kitchen and made me a Turbo a while after drinking it I felt much better within, I know I have had an emo day today it is part of the healing process.

I had forgotten we had left over Chinese and soon had eaten quite a lot.

I know I have hurt you with what i have typed today, that was not my intention my love, but I am pleased that I did write this all down as it has eased my pain tremendously.

We try to carry on the rest of our day, now that I remember what its like to smile at someone whom loves you.

17:00 Shell went to the shops to buy a huge bag of feel good chemicals disguised as food.
I jumped right into the Strawberry Shortcake Häagen Dazs yum!

Although this stuff is bad for you it makes you feel better and as I am still anorexic, I need to eat as much as possible.

After a few spoons of Ice Cream I was done for now, I then hit some chocolate eclairs, argh, slurp, chocolate! nom… nom… nom…

Chocolate is an amazing healing device if you don’t eat too much, Greedy!

Loving Kindness, may all your hearts be filled with genuine compassion and joy, Namaste.

Psychological distress theories

Patrick Carnes (2001, p. 40) argues that when children are growing up, they develop “core beliefs” through the way that their family functions and treats them. A child brought up in a family that takes proper care of them has good chances of growing up well, having faith in other people, and having self worth. On the other hand, a child who grows up in a family that neglects them will develop unhealthy and negative core beliefs. They grow up to believe that people in the world do not care about them. Later in life, the person has trouble keeping stable relationships and feels isolated. Generally, addicts do not perceive themselves as worthwhile human beings (Carnes, Delmonico and Griffin, 2001, p. 40). They cope with these feelings of isolation and weakness by engaging in excessive sex (Poudat, 2005, p. 121).

According to Patrick Carnes the cycle begins with the “Core Beliefs” that sex addicts hold:[30]

  1. “I am basically a bad, unworthy person.”
  2. “No one would love me as I am.”
  3. “My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend on others.”
  4. “Sex is my most important need.”

These beliefs drive the addiction on its progressive and destructive course:[30]

  • Pain agent — First a pain agent is triggered / emotional discomfort (e.g. shame, anger, unresolved conflict). A sex addict is not able to take care of the pain agent in a healthy way.
  • Dissociation — Prior to acting out sexually, the sex addict goes through a period of mental preoccupation or obsession. Sex addict begins to dissociate (moves away from his or her feelings). A separation begins to take place between his or her mind and his or her emotional self.
  • Altered state of consciousness / a trance state / bubble of euphoric fantasized experience — Sex addict is emotionally disconnected and is pre-occupied with acting out behaviours. The reality becomes blocked out/distorted.
  • Preoccupation or “sexual pressure” — This involves obsessing about being sexual or romantic. Fantasy is an obsession that serves in some way to avoid life. The addict’s thoughts focus on reaching a mood-altering high without actually acting-out sexually. They think about sex to produce a trance-like state of arousal to eliminate the pain of reality. Thinking about sex and planning out how to reach orgasm can continue for minutes or hours before they move to the next stage of the cycle.
  • Ritualization or “acting out.” — These obsessions are intensified by ritualization or acting out. Ritualization helps distance reality from sexual obsession. Rituals induce trance and further separate the addict from reality. Once the addict begins the ritual, the chances of stopping that cycle diminish greatly. They give into the pull of the compelling sex act.
  • Sexual compulsivity — The next phase of the cycle is sexual compulsivity or “sex act”. The tensions the addict feels are reduced by acting on their sexual feelings. They feel better for the moment, thanks to the release that occurs. Compulsivity simply means that addicts regularly get to the point where sex becomes inevitable, no matter what the circumstances or the consequences. The compulsive act, which normally ends in orgasm, is perhaps the starkest reminder of the degradation involved in the addiction as the person realizes they are a slave to the addiction.
  • Despair — Almost immediately reality sets in, and the addict begins to feel ashamed. This point of the cycle is a painful place where the Addict has been many, many times. The last time the Addict was at this low point, they probably promised to never do it again. Yet once again, they act out and that leads to despair. They may feel they have betrayed spiritual beliefs, possibly a partner, and his or her own sense of integrity. At a superficial level, the addict hopes that this is the last battle.

According to Carnes, for many addicts, this dark emotion brings on depression and feelings of hopelessness. One easy way to cure feelings of despair is to start obsessing all over again. The cycle then perpetuates itself.[31]

Dr. Carnes mentions that:

Al Cooper (one of the original researchers in internet sex) described internet sex as the ‘crack cocaine’ of sexual addiction because it is an accelerant for adults of all stages of the lifespan. He felt that people would never have the problem if it had not been for the internet.

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