Day Thirty:

Black Eyed Peas – Where Is The Love

That day it all went right!

Wow what a morning, I keep waking up in a somewhat unhappy way, it seems to take me some hours to get my shit together so to speak.

I have a doctors appointment today and am looking forward to going to Costa Coffee with Shell and Amber as she is having a day off school.

Shell made me a Turbo around 11:00 ish and they really help to free your mind.
I am going to concentrate today on the smoking side of things as I have noticed since smoking just one or two cigarets per day that my emotional state is much more quirky, aggressive and frustrated.

It is not only me that has noticed it both Shell and I are a bit more tense due to smoking, both of us have decided for our selves that smoking actually decreases your enthusiasm, increases your tension and stress and damn right stinks.

So today we have to go to the doctors, time to let them know I have not taken my meds for 30 days, I wonder what the response will be.

12:00

Dazza contacted me ouch!

At about 12:00 o’clock Darren contacted me with what he called some closure, there was nothing in what he said that I did not already know but it did take me some time to admit it all to myself and sift through the bullshit.

I copied what he said from in a private Facebook conversation, it was written on a mobile phone and had the tone of anger and resentment.

A lot of, if not all of it is true and describes me as a dark person full of hate and resentment, I am not that man, and although I can’t deny any of what he said, what has happened is know where near as bad as it reads.

Is that me trying to make myself better, think of it as you will, I know what I am, and what I am not, what is written below is defiantly something I am not.

I am not a perfect Human by no means, drugs are bad hmm kay!

This is what he said pasted from a private Facebook message no holds barred the real me right?

Thought id drop a line, not for any other reason than to hopefully maybe give you some sort of closure..seems u need it….i did wat I did for my own reasons and has a result me and simone have parted company..i know in myself wat I did was wrong, and in a way I took the cowards way out..the easy route..i will only live with the regret that I should of had the balls to be honest with simone and myself and my children and the hurt ive caused them..i will never forgive myself for that…i know in time my kids will get past this and come out the other side stronger…the same goes for simone..that girl is one in a million and she will someday find someone who will love and appriciate her in a way I never could.

Has for our friendship, ive been questioning why I was ever your friend in the first place…everything you are goes against the grain…i suppose it was out of pitty and feeling sorry for you…you seem to find reasons for being the way you are because of other factors in your life…weather it shell, your up bring or what ever…when in the real world it all your own doing…i cant think of any reason why someone should have cause to beat there partner, make there kids feel so scared they dare not speak in case dad gets angry..and all the while shell puts up with it and allows them kids to witness your tantrums..dunno whos the sadest between ya both…you seem to find it hard to do things that everyone else does on a daily basis, or rather have to because thats how it is…dont get me wrong I share the same feeling about life has you do, but I dont allow it to effect others around me to the point its detrimental and then blame them others for the situation you put yaself into…then releasing them frustration out on the mrs through physical and mental abuse…all signs of pure guilt.

You seem to need praise for doing things that should be natural to u stu…your insecuritys are so profound your at the point where you could never sustain yourself without the help of others…probly the only real reason youve allowed shell to stick around…lets face with out her your fucked, and its your guilt for the way you treat her too thats also an important factor to why youve allowed her to stay…end of day she has every right to leave u and u have no right to kick her out..what a fucked up situation to be in.

You claim you love her…so why not let her go if thats the case..why?..for the reasons above..all selfish ones…i hope for shells sake and them kids sake she will do something about that one day..but then again shes just has selfish has you, in the sense that if she cant leave you for the sake of them kids then she cant really be thinking of them now can she..i mean who would allow there kids to go throughy that..do u realise wat you do to them on daily basis…no women in there right mind would put up with your bull shit u dish out…i fear you will lose them kids oneday.

Never belive that me and shell was ever gonna run off together..we may have done wat we done, but in my mind I could never see her has a long term partner..mainly for the fact that if she can do it to you, she would do it to me…not up for an untrusting relationship…for me now it will be many years before I even concider setteling down again if at all..i need to find out wat I want from life and who I am first before I get to that stage.

I hope you sort your problems out stu..i really do..but until you find strength to carry yaself and stop relying on others to clear your shit up and pick up the pieces, I fear your will lose those closest to you…its time you took responsability and face the fact that you are where u are because of YOU….

Up to you what you do with this letter…this will be the last time you hear from me…no doubt this wil go on your daily blog to try and make you feel better about yourself, and gain some sort of sympathy,or “inner peace”…..i hold my hands up for wat I did, and im no saint and a cunt for wat ive done to my family, but the end of the day I can say ive been pretty consistant up until now, in looking after my kids, and never abusing simone in the way you have towards shell and your kids….and never taking it out on them for my failings in life.

Good luck to you stu..hope life really turns out for the best…i do fear it wont…hope you prove me wrong for you, shell and most of all them kids.

I did reply to him my full but short and sweet answer was.

Thank you for being honest, I feel your hate and resentment you are absolutely right about me and although I could have been nasty that is not my intention, I thank you for being the only person to be honest to me, if that is honestly how you feel than that is okay. I know I have been a bad person and thanks to you I see it clearly now, not because of this letter but because of the kick in the arse you gave me, for that I thank you.

I hope after righting this you feel better as sharing your feelings about something is what it is all about it, I wish you hadn’t tried to destroy me the way you did as that makes you as bad a person as I, using Shell for your own sexual pleasure abusing her trust and friendship psychologically.

Now you have nothing except your own guilt to contend with and I have had an eye opening experience that has shown me exactly where I was going wrong, I am trying to be a better Human being, I often get it wrong.

Now that I know our friendship was false that allows me to heal some more, Shell and I are stronger than ever and the kids are great, we are all spending much more time together and have been enjoying the simpler things in life.

This is all thanks to you, so do not beat your self up in shame and hate I forgive you.

May your heart be files with genuine loving kindness Darren, I hope your find happiness in your heart, Namaste.14:31

Unfortunately Darren can smile as he managed to get Shell and I a little pissed off, not with each other but with the situation in general, he even Liked my post on Facebook as odd as that is, we have had a really good heart to heart today and I feel that we will make it together, so long as I continue to do what I have been doing over the last month, everything will be alright, I wan’t to look for some kind of work, I have applied as a volunteer for the Venus Project to get some regular routine in my life, and what is better than working on something you love, Humanitarianism and peace.

What he says above is all true although highly exaggerated, I have lived my life with shame and indignity, but that does not mean I am a bad person, I post this not for your pity or sympathy although a hug would be nice, but to share my journey of healing, I do not hate, I am a kind and gentil person whom was consumed with hate and fear, call it excuses call it reasons, I call it simply being lost in the slavery of life.

At about one o’clock Home bid called us, wow we can actually view a property, we are living in temporary rented accommodations and this is the first time we have had a property to view we are all excited as although it is social housing it would be a permanent home.

15:00 Doctors never happened!

17:00 Coffee never happened!

18:00 Shell is cooking the dinner, I think after the day we have a had we will simply snuggle up and watch a film, we have both had a lot to deal with today and after our conversation earlier I know we are strong enough to get though this and move on, I am not the devil or a person of hate, but someone that is tired of the way society lives its life.

I have spent a very long time complaining about it and doing nothing this has led me to live my life with resentment fear and hate.

But this is not who I am, this is not who I was, this is what I allowed the bullshit in life to turn me into.

Namaste, please forgive me!

07 mindfulness of heart mind 

by Leo Ryokan

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s