Day Thirtyfive:

Chumbawamba – I Get Knocked Down lyrics

What’s with mornings, I keep waking up feeling so down and isolated, the first thing I knew this morning was that Shell had just got back from the doctors.

She is defiantly pregnant and there is no way at all to tell who’s it is, we can’t DNA test the baby until it is born nice one Darren and Shell you might be new parents of a child, I bet you didn’t think of that whilst your lust succumbed you.

13:00

Karen came over and gave Shell some support she also offered her a cigarette, why do that? She is pregnant? Of course Shell smoked it, sigh, she did get some patches from the doctor and said that was her last one, yeah right.

14:25

Shell has gone to get Brent from school, I had a hissy fit this morning although I tried so hard to stay calm and to some point I did, I kept splurging out crap from my mouth, it seems to run on auto pilot sometimes as I don’t mean what I am saying and haven’t even thought about it, just pure mindless noise spilling from my guts, it is as if the nicer and kinder I am the more shit comes from my mouth, from my unconscious.

I have no idea what to do now, how do I wait nine months to find out if this baby is mine or not?

How do we get past this now?

The only way I can do this is to trust my senses and instructs, they say this baby is mine and a girl, I don’t know how I know, I just feel it.

Every time I doubt it I get a huge image in my mind saying this child is yours and everything will be okay, the light will guide me.

Is this just my mind trying to cope and defend itself  from the massive emotional trauma I am suffering now or damn right foolish denial? It could simply be apart of the healing process I must endure, I am not  bad person I am trying so hard to cope.

We have both booked up counselling and I start first next week, it would be good to just get all this hatred, fear and pain out of my head.

I feel my whole world has fallen into a bottomless pit, as I spin further and further out of control I loose my mind, my spirit my soul.

I have lost most of my so-called friends and have no one I trust, this blog is my only sanctuary to let my emotions loose, this is how I am trying to heal myself as I am all alone and only have my self to talk to and to blame.

Then there is Jade, poor Jade I feel so much for her, I can feel how much this has hurt her and I am staying out-of-the-way for now, I do not want her to hurt anymore than she is, Jade is Shells daughter and I am her Step Dad, I really do not like those words she is my baby to me and always will be.

Shell and I have hurt her so much and caused her to feel jealous and resentful, she is also receiving a lot of hatful words from her Dad towards Shell and despite the fact he may think she is not worth the shit on your shoes it is wrong to say these things to your daughter about their Mum, no wonder Jade is feeling mentally ill when all she needs is love and support and told everything will be okay, not hate, I am sorry Jade that we have caused you so much more pain but please understand that the people around you are also making it worse by filling you with envy and hate by what they have said.

It is also wrong that he keeps thinking it’s okay to send Shell hate mail via Facebook grow up and stop harassing us and Jade, you may think you are protecting her and I honour you for that but stop using your hatred for Shell to hurt Jade.

15:00 The Police just knocked on our door and made me turn down my music the thing that annoys me is the officer and I where talking over the music to each other as I had not even turned it down yet, our new neighbours are not full of loving kindness and clearly are rather selfish people, they have continually banged on my wall the second I put on a single tune, without my music I am lost.

17:17 due to my sadness and damn right depressive nature today I have upset Shell and due to todays post have probably hurt her feelings, I have been selfish today and have only been concerned with my own emotional state, I feel so empty, like a void of nothing skulking in the shadows.

I have failed, I just took 2x Tramodol a while back and feel a lot calmer, the pain in my back has resided some what and I can feel the morphine rushing through my whole body, the Fibro Fog has cleared, but I know that this is temporary and is putting me backwards.
There is only four left and when Shell asked me how many I took in a frenzy of self hate I told her it had nothing to do with her and just sat on the floor and sulked.

I am sorry my love for not being strong enough to cope with all of this, despite what my senses and instincts tell me I am battling my mind and today, in fact he last few days, the doubter, the whiner, the procrastinator, the looser in my head won the race, and I never even heard the starting pistol fire.

I sit alone in the dark and silence waiting for my mind to pacify, as I meditate and calm myself urges to just hurt myself distort my reality.

I pray for forgiveness, I pray for good health, I pray that I am strong enough not to break, not to fall, that my inner loving kindness can shine and blind the darkness, Namaste.

“If you’re going to kill me, at least please tell me why!” Emeli Sandé

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