Day Thirtynine:

I really had a hard time sleeping last night even my emotions audio didn’t calm me as much as I had hoped it would, I held Shell tightly and didn’t let go until she slept, I caressed her face and stroked her hair gently.

Once she was a sleep I got out of bed slowly and headed down stairs, man these stairs suck, I struggle to ascend and descend them every day.

Once down stairs I sat and cried for an hour, switched on my mac and tried to just do something anything, to take my mind of my pain.

I ended up on the Relate website reading, reading and reading some more, this was a very painful experience and has made me extremely tender both physically and emotionally.

I am currently listening to Emeli Sandé My Kind of Love, over and over and have done for about an hour, for some reason I want to be sad, I want to feel pain and want to pity myself.

Am I healing or am I simply tormenting my soul further, I do not know, but either way writing this all down helps me let it all go, the stream of fears torment my inner being and infidelity howls laughter at me whilst I sleep, all I want is to wake up from this nightmare.

On a more positive note I’ve been asked to do a guest post about Fibromyalgia, I have to confess the prospect excites me.

Although I do not consider my self a writer I do enjoy the freedom that words give one to express your inner being, it is not recognition or fame that is wanted but the simple knowledge that your pain helped another heal.

My phone just reminded me that it is 11:00 and time for turbo, after getting this off my chest I feel much better and despite what others may think about publishing your thoughts and feelings I can honestly say that it helps you to release the hurt and pain instead of it encumbering you with ball and chain.

12:11 Darren contacted Shell by email today and said.

why have you told your own daughter you “know” the babys mine?….her own words by the way. Quite a statement to claim when I used a condom…how are you so sure?….stu claims his had sex with you since our big mistake…how are you sure its mine if this is the case?…unless stu is lying, or his using some “mind conditioning technique” or wat ever his desired method is to convince himself otherwise..his a bit duluded if thats the case…..if your so sure its mine, then did you pick the used condom up and put it back inside you? for wat ever sick reason, maybe you think if this baby is mine that I might want to be with you….sorry your very sadly mistaken…last women on earth and all that……your either gonna end up on your own or stuck with stu, either way goodluck with that………….i really hope it isnt mine…the thought turns my stomac to think it could be mine, and the sort of enviroment its going to be brought up in….lets hope for both your sakes its not mine…not sure I could allow the child to grow up around that….however if it isnt mine then obviously I wouldnt give a fuck…id have no rights would i.Any response would be good..if not just have to wait and see wat happends…guess next time u will hear from me will be via my solicitor if the baby turns out to be mine.

Was it all worth it then? Destroying everything, two families, hurting five children? and huge amount of close friends and family.

I guess you really do care about children, not hurting them, and clearly cared so much about Shell to not play the psychological games you accuse me off, I have nothing more to say, his words are so full of hate I never knew him at all as this persona is someone I have never even met.

All I can say in answer to this is you have really shown your true colours and despite the fact that what you write pains both of us it makes us stronger to know that you simply are not worth worrying about, thanks for your kind words and best wishes towards a new life, you have really shown what kind of Human you really are, I hope you find joy in your life, may you be happy truly happy, Loving Kindness Daren, Shell and I forgive you.

We had a good cry and had a hug and now we carry on our day knowing that our love is strong enough to survive and I will support her whom ever the father is.

Darren, May the light of love guide you when your path is shadowed in darkness.

I have to add that Shell has given up smoking and is now on her fourth day she has an inhaler thingy and has used it very occasionally I am so proud of her.

16:20 We had our relatives come over today with their crazy dog, lol it digs the garden up and wee’s every where, and would smash up and eat your entire house given a chance. It is a lovely fluffy husky with beautiful blue eyes, what a troublesome fellow he is though, they had been a bit down as it was his birthday and he felt a little down, we gave them twenty pounds as a birthday pick me up and a pot plant to cheer them up some 😉

Shell and I prepared the kids some salad lunch, tuna and sweetcorn, grapes and cheese; yummy! coleslaw and fresh bread and butter.

19:00
We have had a wonderful day regardless of the hate mails, yes we had some more and promptly deleted them.

The kids and Shell have gone for a walk now and that should tire out the kids some, we can watch a movie on Netflix now as the internet is working again it seemed to go down earlier for a while.

Despite the hate mail and sorrow that we are receiving, we love each other dearly and can both honestly say despite the pain, that this situation has made our family closer, stronger and more supportive of each other, we have all sat down and had a good talk on several occasions and we are all going to counselling starting individually from next week.

The kids have been trying real hard at home to keep the house tidied and their Sat scores prove that they are trying harder at school, overall with the excitement of our new home and baby on the way we are all very lucky.

There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt.
Doubt separates people.
It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations.
It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills.

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