Day Forty:

What a beautiful day it is today, the sun is shining the kids are playing and laughing outside, Shell and I spent most of the morning gently making love, we kissed and held each other for hours, I feel light and fluffy and Shell has a glow about her. Love like ours can not be broken, we really are communicating better these days she is talking to me so much more openly, I have tried so hard for years just to talk to her but failed to properly listen, not anymore.

Although it is early in the day I am certain we are going to have a fantastic day, we both spent some time in the garden, I sat in the sun whilst Shell hung up some washing.

Lunch or should I say Brunch time soon, we are going to have bacon and mushrooms in fresh bread Yum!

14:26

I cooked up the bacon and mushrooms, buttered some french stick then smothered it in Philadelphia, once the bacon and mushroom where slightly browned I placed them atop of the bread, the butter melted down to the plate and yes they where yummy.

17:18

Shell is playing The World of Warcraft, it is good for her to relax and forget about the world for a while, she has been on the go all week, I have tried hard to give her some space and help her as much as I can, I feel I understand her needs much more clearly, although I am still making the same silly mistakes, I will try harder everyday to make our family stronger, safer and happier.

So far today has been really lovely, the kids have been mostly happy and have been playing out for the best part of the day.

I’m going to go out now and smoke something before the sun goes down completely, today has been a blissfully normal and relaxing day, thank you, honey, I love you.

01:56

I realise it is tomorrow but I had to type this out as it’s playing on my mind.

We had a really great day and have had many such days lately, but I seem to keep ruining them at the last moment with inappropriate comments and questions, poor Shell, I gave her the perfect day today and ruined it by causing her painful emotions and feelings by speaking out of turn, I know it is the pain and resentment controlling my tongue but that does not make it okay, I am torturing myself because of my actions as I know what I said really upset her, how do I fix this problem?

I do not mean it, I am not even thinking, it is as if my mouth goes on auto pilot and all my fears and torment come out at once, it feels like my defences are running their own programme.

I have tried to just say how I feel calmly without a raised voice, I have managed to do so for the most part but the pressure of the baby is getting to me and I have started to raise my voice somewhat, I have to try harder, much harder, I do not want to stress the baby.

I am sorry my love for my line of questioning, so many unanswered questions and not enough answers, I need to stop seeking answers to the past and concentrate on the answers to our future, I know I am making you happy each day but just can’t stand it when I am succumbed by emotion and blame and throw it in your face.

I hope that the counselling will help, I am going to try and get them to start with this emotional outburst problem as right now I am handling everything else extremely well considering and know if I can only let go of this pain we can have a wonderful life together.

I am not going to allow the images and thaughts in my mind to control my life, I know I can let them pass with time, I sometimes feel that I am not coping very well at all this is so hard for me to understand, comprehend and deal with.

Thank you my love for supporting me when I am weak and thanking me when I have been strong, I am sorry my pain passes to you so frequently.

I seem to jump from normal to resentful to a heap of tears on the floor, I am sorry for not being strong enough to control how I feel, I promise you everyday I will try harder and I know I am fulfilling that promise within my heart, but must let you know that I love you, always have and always will, till death do us part and beyond.

Light shines in all directions at once.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s