I awoke this morning and Shell made me a mocha, we had a little light-hearted chat about the affair and baby dates as we held each others hands.
These conversations still fill me with anxt and pain, at least that is easing over time, looking at her so radiantly pregnant and glowing with life erased those demons from my mind and filled me with love and joy.
I had a little cry to myself then pulled my self together, Shell hugged me, looked right at me and told me she truly loved me and that she was sorry for hurting me so deeply, I cried some more, looked deep into her eyes, almost wanten, told her that I loved her and smiled sweetly.
We hugged for a while and just stared into each others eyes, It amazes me that after everything we have been through over the last seventeen years, half of my life almost, that we still love each other so dearly, so passionately.
I do not think that love is something we should try to understand, just feel. trying to understand love makes you ask questions like, Why do they love me? Why am I special? Who would want to love me anyway?
If you feel love, do not try to question or analysis it, just feel it, share it with your significant other, a friend or even a stranger; just a simple smile as you pass on by and go about your day.
I spent some time today reading a dads guide to pregnancy as before I have not really bothered to understand the process, as sad as that sounds I do not think I had enough emotional attachment, understanding and maturity.
This time around I am really trying to help Shell get through it both mentally and physically, she is almost forty now and it is about time I made that extra effort she deserves, I can honestly say that having two paths to walk one of hate and resentment and the other of love and light has not been easy, but I know in my heart that the path of love and light is the right one to follow and now I have made my choice the darkness feels distant and not so vociferous.
The landline has been ringing and ringing, I have ignored it as I just want to deal with my own troubles of mind and selfishly ignore everybody else’s just for one day, I sit in the sun absorb the healing light of the universe and heal some.
I have not done my turbo on time again, I think I will have to change that schedule as I seem to have them later in the day, time to get some pain relief (Cannabis), eat something and sit in the sun as yet again it is another absolutely gorgeous day!
Just realised the time, I have to wake up Shell as my son needs picking up from school, Nan saves the day again by offering to pick him up, thank you nanny, you are so wonderful.
Shell is making turbos; yippee, I will clean up afterwards, she has really noticed a huge difference drinking juice makes to your life, even after such a short time. Since she quit smoking just over five days ago now she has juiced everyday, her skin looks healthier and she seems to have more body-mind energy as do I, go go juice!
Once the kids are home from school, we hope to take a stroll down to the anti-smoking clinic for our weekly advice meeting.
I have just spent some time healing by sitting in the sun, I sat on the wooden decking in our garden, I closed my eyes, inhaled a few calm deep breaths, and let everything go from my mind.
Sitting there I could hear the noise and motion of the neighbours, building works, mowing of the lawn, cars and people passing by, it is fantastic how much more aware of the world you are when you just sit and listen.
In a moment of peace and bliss everything become still, I felt at one with nature, the world the universe.
I could still hear the hustle and bustle of life but it had become a distant white noise, I could hear loudly and clearly in my mind the sound of the wind as it brushed past my face, tickling my arms with its gesture, the song of the birds engaging in chatter.
It is moments like this although short that I know that life is love and love is life.
Nan just arrived with my son she picked him up from school bless her, time to make some tea I guess =P
A fellow blogger liked a post of mine and like you do I returned the visit, they had a video on their blog that is an incredible healing tool and extremely inspiring.
Here it is please visit the Alternate Economy blog.