Day Fortyfour:

Yesterday was a day of letting go, today I feel much calmer and more still.
I was awoken once again by the phone this morning, it was the doctors rearranging our first maternity appointment.

I was told off by the wife today, she had noticed that I’d been moping around the house a bit to much this week and had done a lot less around the home, I humbly nodded and smiled and agreed to put in more effort and just got on with it.

She is of course right, I have my reasons for feeling down but at some point you have to snap out of it!

Before the affair Shell never really had the confidence to tell me off or let me know how she felt, since that time she has really opened up to me and is communicating with me on a much better level and I really appreciate it.

I am going to make the turbo’s today as Shell has done so for most of the week, time for me to kick into gear and get some housework done, dusting and hoovering time me thinks.

I am really pleased with her no smoking progress considering everything that is going on in our lives right now I know quitting smoking for her has been really difficult. It makes me proud that your strong enough to just quit! I have started to wonder what else you can do and it excites me.

11:23

Shell is upstairs sorting out the washing, the kids still have not learned to put their dirty linen in the basket, but instead choose to toss it down the side of the bed for poor ole Mum to deal with!

12:31

Just sat in the garden and felt the sun come over the house upon my back, the heat radiates up my spine and relieves some of my tension.

My mind is cloudy again today but it is more like a wisp than a fog, I am clear of mind but certainly not of body.
It isn’t that I stumble with my thoughts it is more of a case of loosing focus.

Although the sun on my back and the cannabis has helped and relieved some pain my fatigue has increased considerably, that seems to be the problem using cannabis as a pain relief, although it is rather good you succumb to the  stone, I guess that is why they call it dope!

I smoked, sat and closed my eyes and just relaxed a while.

I just went up stairs to offer to help out, Shell seems to think there is nothing for me to do we really have to change that.

She has started a blog and said she was working on it as I entered the room.
I got a little paranoid about catching her on her phone typing, but trusted her because regardless of what she was doing I have to forget to forgive.

I love you honey, I can tell that all of this is bothering you and your emotions are all over the place because of the pregnancy, I promised to stand by you and hold that promise dearly.

Today has been a good day, with good conversation however painful.

Time to ring my support worker and start the process of getting some Psychodynamic therapy.

Unfortunately the soonest I can arrange for my support worker to even visit the GP is two weeks time, helping your self is not an easy process and when intervention not prevention is the key motto and motivation of the mental health services all I can do is patiently wait.

13:48

I sent Shell an intimate email regarding how I feel right now, I didn’t publish it yet as she is still to respond and somethings in our lives should remain private, at least for now.

15:14

School run time I am feeling vulnerable today, my senses are on full alert and I am having trouble keeping the tears in.
I do not feel anger, just hurt, pain and  sorrow, I feel like I’m a babbling idiot, damn Fibro Fog.

Still havnt done the turbo’s I have a total lack of motivation and energy today, my whole body is drained and seems to have ceased to function.

I have managed to get the ingredients out and all that is left to do is to actually juice this stuff, ho hum at least I am half way there.

19:13

We had some family over for food, we all had a huge fry up, Shell cooked it and it was lovely.
I went to have a bath tonight and run it got it full of bubbles then a damn wasp stung me five times on the foot ouch!

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