An illusive day production!
Warning you may find this post offensive, sorry in advance.
Today was FUBAR pure and simple.
I post this a few days after the fact as I spent some of the following days in the short stay mental ward at our local hospital, yes they released me as sane and simply blamed the extreme stress I am under, apparently this type of behaviour under extreme stress conditions is understandable, but defiantly not acceptable and deeply troubles me.
I have no idea how it happened, all I remember was hearing arguing from the kids and the phone ringing again, ring ring ring ring, please stop, please stop!
It could not have been much before 8am I was so tired from lack of sleep, I was awoken pretty much every night and morning by something, in fact every time I had slept for a couple of weeks or so, I still even today can’t remember having a full nights sleep.
I jumped up from sleep in a trance like state of tiresome anguish to an empty bedroom and immediately began to rip apart the furniture.
As I began to smash it viciously and ferociously into my body I repeatedly pounded my face into the headboard, the pain enhanced my strength as I pummelled my self some more till the wood splintered and broke, bruising my head and cutting it.
I remember pulling a wardrobe on me, the clothes sprung out and spread out around the room then floated down atop of me, as I collapsed downwards the floor was the only thing feeling pity for my soul.
Weakened by my outrageous ordeal I lay among the clothes pile whimpering in docile torment.
The kids and Shell only heard my tantrum and luckily did not witness it, this is not normal behaviour for me at all and after they left for school and I heard the front door slam there was a moment of silence that lasted some time, everything suddenly became clear I wiped the snot from my face that had dribbled on my hands and dressing gown and began to come to my senses.
As I looked around the room there was not really any damage, just a fucking mess to clean up later, I beat my hands on my head repeatedly in frustration, not only at the mess I had caused but the massive amount of stress I had inflicted on my family and half the street for that matter, and it still wasn’t even 08:30 yet.
In a heightened state of alertness I headed towards the bathroom, clutching my bleeding head in one hand and steadying myself with the other, I then sat on the toilet, lid down and cried.
It is hard to explain the thought process I had next as I seem to have been crying one minute and the next I had a razor blade in my hands and had cut both of my legs randomly in multiple directions, as I revived myself from a some kind of comatose state I noticed the blade had skin hanging from it and that blood had dripped down my leg to a small pool on the floor.
My legs stung like nothing I had felt before, my mind felt so very calm, like a feather floating in space, drifting meaninglessly into the void.
Most of the day I spent in a quantum silence licking my wounds in a corner like a cowering animal quivering in pity and shame.
Please forgive me for I have sinned!
Loving Kindness, Stu.
Blood Lust a poem that attempts to describe how I felt.
- Lack of sleep could cause behavioural problems (time4sleep.co.uk)