Day Fiftyone:

Woke up at bang on 08:00 this morning gasping for breath, I awoke from a night mare where Shell was on her knees, giving Darren fellatio, I awoke sweating and my heart was racing, as I leaped forwards I almost fell out of bed, that is the fastest I have got up in ages.

Only the nightmare is real, I felt like the lost puppy that had misplaced their owner identity tag then was tossed into a cage alone in the pound, with no owner to speak of.

I sat for an hour or so crying to myself, the rest of the house sleeps, while I whimper in the darkness.

It’s easy for Shell, she just opens her legs clearly switching from one soul to another with not even a thought.

I on the other hand; have to feel something to make love to another person, I need to feel loved to really get excited. I have to care dearly to share my body and soul with another, intimacy for me is more than simple pleasure and self gratification, a connection of mind energies interacting with intertwining bodies wrapped in joyous play and a fruitful understanding.

Since the affair I have had terrible trouble sometimes making love to you, it is so hard for me to let my self attach to you completely, each time I get close something inside me pulls back.

We make wonderful love my dear and I know you are heavenly satisfied, but I never reached climax at all the last few times, I seem to be suffering, I’m certainly not lacking in labedo or dysfunction on my part, but part of my pleasure with you was just you, and I sadly feel our spark has been extinguished, it’s not that you don’t excite me, but at the point of no return, my lust somehow turns to mistrust, gets segmented, everything turns sour, I pull away and only show you my cold shoulder as I cry myself to sleep.

The harder I try to stay close to you, the further the images in my mind pull me down a whirling pool of tears and resentment.

I’m eternally sorry my love for cutting you with paper albeit digital!

14:48

Shell and Nan have gone to the shops, the kids are playing on their laptops and everything is quiet.

I am experiencing a large amount of pain today the dank weather is making me lethargic, grumpy and extremely tired.

My legs are numb and spasmodic, my ankles hurt to walk-on and the muscles feel tight and tender.

Today my mind is numb with resentful muster and images of cuckoldry haunt my daydreams.

15:10

Just had a bath it was a struggle to get it an out but the heat was well worth it, wow I wish we could get hot water treatment instead of medication as for me at least it is far more beneficial than pharmaceuticals any day of the week.

16:19

Nan and Shell arrive home and my daughter comes down the stairs to greet and feed our cat

Our cat Star is sixteen years old and we have had her longer than our children of twelve and eleven have even been alive, she is the kitten of her mother Fluffy so she’s a really special puss to us.

It’s amazing how much relaxation and calmness comes from such a beast when you most need it, the way she rubs her face against your leg when you’re in a bad mood, and gently stretches elongated claws to poke but not harm you astounds me, her gentle drone as she purrs relaxes and pleases me whatever the day brings.

16:46

Shell has just made me a Turbo, I really needed that, every single time I drink one my whole body says thank you.