Day Fiftythree:

Got up early again, I still can’t get to sleep at night till some o’clock in the a.m, yet I awake before the kids most mornings, if not only three of four hours after I slept, I’m so tired this week, in fact this month.

Around lunch time, Shell and I had a tiff, pointless argument, she is annoying me a lot lately.

She won’t talk to me, won’t write to me, she will have sex with me, I guess that is all I am worth.

The last day or so I do not really have any desire to get that close to her, just leave me alone to wallow in self pity.

Spent a few hours mixing lyrics I am starting to get the hang of this now, it is a shame my vocals sound like a bunch of drowning cats.

The kids came down and joined in with the mix we had some fun for little while making funny voices.

Shell slept most of the morning on the sofa, the more I write and beg for her to connect with me the further apart she lefts us drift.


I had a bath, hot water, thank you, it’s a shame that our water bill as we are on a meter is £1500 in debt, what can I do?

Without hot water I suffer, with it I can live a semi normal day, I wish I could transfer my pharmaceuticals bill I am not consuming anymore to pay for the energy and water.


Wrote an Easter Poem and watched some video.
Realised it was 2 hours long so posted to watch later 😉


Chinese, what a great idea, we all sat around chose what we wanted, isn’t great/


Chinese was shut!, fiddle sticks.


Looked up passion and my evening went tits up from there and I spent the night alone being ignored again, mainly due to me crying so much, I guess Shell is tired of it, and went to bed leaving me solo.

Believe me when I say I am tired of crying, hating, hurting, resenting and every other ing!
It hurts so much my skin stings like my entire body had been sandblasted, peeled then slowly dipped in salt.

Listened to Emeli Sandé shouldn’t have done that, very bad idea, I upset myself some more.


Had another bath and listened to some Solfeggio Harmonics, this was extremely calming.
After only about ten minutes or so of listening I found myself feeling much more at ease, relaxed and comfortable.



  1. ♥ Hugs. Sounds like it’s getting very hard.

    • Stuart Otway-Smith · April 10, 2012

      We think it’s all over!

      In the words of Jim Morrison.

      “When the musics over, turn out the lights”

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