Day Fiftyeight:

She still lies to me, we argue more.

I booked my self into a short stay mental hospital as the pressure of everything has got to me.
Shell continues to lie to despite asking me to marry her on the same day.

You destroyed my trust, I held onto it by a thread and then you simply tossed it away.

I love you my queen but your lies are not something I can forgive you for today as tomorrow they will haunt my dreams.

I believed you, trusted you to tell me the truth and you even lied about that.

Your friends you care and respect for, me I am nothing more to you than a lowly piece of shit on the bottom of your shoe.

I doubt I’ll be back, goodbye.

Please God!

Forgive me for everything I have done that torments.

Forgive me for not having the strength to move forwards.

Forgive me for not having the courage to forgive and forget.

Forgive me for not being a worthy Human of loving grace.

Amen.

3 comments

  1. Stuart! You are not a human that isn’t worthy! Please don’t think that. I used to believe that about myself, and I know it’s not true now. Yes, we all make some lousy mistakes and okay, maybe those mistakes cost you something, but FORGIVE YOURSELF, please. Then you will find it easier to forgive others. I can’t say you are doing the wrong or right thing, that is your decision. Sometimes trust cannot be rebuilt. You are not wrong for these feelings. Even if you leave you are not wrong. That was quite a blow, I understand. But please at least forgive YOURSELF. I am glad you checked yourself in, it sounds like you needed to get your stress under control. XO XO XO

    You are loved. Hang in.

    • Stuart Otway-Smith · April 15, 2012

      Thank you for you ever caring consultation, I am eternally grateful, this was not as bad as I made it out to be, it turns out just me over reacting to something that really does not matter.

      It was a lie until she admitted it without me asking! I freaked out, now it’s forgiveness.

      Couldn’t book my self into hospital, the inn was full…

      • Well I’m glad to know that you are feeling better! 🙂 I understand, emotions are such a tricky thing. They do get the better of us sometimes. And you’re under a lot stress, which makes them harder to manage. I’m sorry the inn was full (like the way you put that). But it sounds like you figured it out on your own. XO ♥

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