Today our baby died, I have to say goodbye once and for all to everything of yesterday, all the envy, hate and resentment has to go for good, my precious Shell is in the hospital tonight, she is safe and will be home tomorrow, today I count my blessings and thank God that she is still alive, so much blood lost, so much blood, I love her, the kids, Jade, so very deeply, the kids see almost everything that happened in our bathroom today, oh my God my children, please keep them safe.
I try to write something, probably nothing legible, I am completely, non compos mentis, running only on pure adrenaline, I can feel it rushing through my veins, hammering the keys of this tiny notebook, as a million images of hurt pass my eye lids every time I blink.
I’ve tucked the kids too sleep, Grandma fed them, thank you, I told them Mummy is okay and loves them very much, I kissed them on the head and came down stairs to write.
The children have been their usual playful selves, but they have a deep remorse in their eyes, it’s fortunately the first time they have tasted deaths bitter sting, I pity not there last of such meals, but to experience it so young, their mum, their unborn sibling.
Oh the sorrow in their eyes, I can see it clear as daylight, I remember it in slow-mo, them seeing their mum in so much pain, it haunts me to know they have felt that way, through no fault of anyones, there is no one to blame.
I am going to just write today, sorry if anything horrifies, I am going to type what happened because I feel I have to, there is no one else to talk to and I will get these emotions under control somehow.
I sit alone, tired and withered, withdrawn by the days activities, yet alone the previous months, my mind is awake with its nefarious nit-pickings; numbly, nervously; I notate.
Today! Oh today, to even think about today, agonized one’s soul, entire being, complete existence, I have no feeling in my entire being, I am numb from hair to toenail, as if dipped in icy shard filled liquid nitrogen.
To be pulled out swiftly, so that every single shard scratches your frozen skin, cutting slowly the entire surface of your body, to feel so numb, so much pain, in a single moment, the mind, the body, can not contemplate, just shutdown, comatose; silent!
I hope to wake from this nightmare that has become my life, awake from the torment and torture that has slain me, pinned me down like a trapped animal, I sit encased in remorse, clawing at the cage of despair, in hope to escape its cruel miserable precipice, with only a keyboard and a blog to comfort me.
No words can describe how empty we feel right now, our minds torn by infidelity, twisted into a bout of resentment, arguing for weeks who the father was, I have cigarette burns on my arms and hands, cuts on my arms, legs and chest from razor blades, I have been locked up twice at the short stay mental hospital, escorted via police car each time for self harming, all that pain and hate, because fourteen years of friendship and a sixteen year relationship was destroyed, due to them fucking each other, all of it was for nothing.
Thank you Darren Edwards for all of your wonderful gifts of life lessons, that you so wantonly bestow upon us, I hope you live a joyous and happy life, may you know love as we still do once again, may your wife and children forgive you as our family have forgiven each other, may your family and friends forgive you, may they all allow you back into their homes and into their hearts, I pray for you and your family and friends, that you all find peace, the kind of peace that we have in our family now, with thanks to you, a peace that is still, silent, and never empty;
The kind of peace that’s only filled right to the brim with forgiveness and pure love, as now after your gifts, all we have left is us and our love for each other, all we ever did have and all we ever ignored is gone, except for us, by course of events we have lost everything, thank you once again, for teaching us that we already had everything we ever needed right under our noses, US, our family and what a painful lesson it was for us to learn.
From this point on I would like to say that you are not going to believe this is not fiction, such a terrible and traumatic day have we all endured.
New home new start, everything has been better since we moved in a day or so ago, I forget now, I just needed to get out of that old house, too much has happened there recently for me to mentally cope with the pressure of living there.
Last night, Shell in her innocent naïvety put on the TV after I had spent sometime, hours in fact, rigging TiVo to a pc monitor, she decided that it would be great if she and I sat down to watch Penis Envy.
I reacted badly, but controlled, but please baby stop goading me, each time she kills me a little bit more than I’m already dying.
This morning we were huffy with each other, she understood my reaction but we are under so much pressure, so tired, it’s hardly surprising we get lowly with each other now and then yet alone under the pressure we have been under, we kissed politely, said good morning gruffly and got ready to go to Church.
The conversation on the way was not great, we both exchanged the odd pleasantry, a verbal attack now and then, mainly caused by me, things where not going to plan today, we were both extremely agitated at everything due to lack of sleep, lack of funds to move house, most of our home is trapped at our old place as we simply do not have the manpower or the funds to move any of the furniture, TV, fridge freezer, etc.
We persisted the long walk to the church, sometimes holding hands, sometimes walking apart, we tortured each other all the way there.
On the approach to the church, we was walking apart by some hundred meters or so, what are we doing? We have both lost our way and our selves.
We bumped into Mary, an old neighbour whom we had always said hello to, nothing more than a friendly smile had we granted her, she stopped us one at a time, she was heading to the church too, Mary had asked them to say a prayer for us, noticed us apart, walking separately, then bought us back together to enter the church, we walked in hand in hand, heads bowed in shameful pity.
Let me explain what Mary did for Shell yesterday, a genuine moment of loving kindness, just her explaining it to me made me smile and cry with joyous grace.
Mary noticed Shell, crying at the front door to the old house, many others did not, and asked her if she was okay, she had sat alone there sometime in self-pity and blame on her way back from the shops.
Mary held her hand, softly spoke to her and asked her to come to her house.
Once inside, she proceeded to pray for us, she prayed for Shell to God and for the baby.
Shell had opened up to her and had told her everything that had happened between us, when she arrived home, I sensed a huge relief in her persona and I thank you Mary for your loving kindness and genuine compassion, you have lifted a huge and mighty weight of guilt from Shell and I heavenly thank you for freeing her encumbrance and being such a wonderful Human, God bless you.
As we entered the church Mary held our hands and guided us to the front.
We all sat and waited, there wasnt many in attendance but the joy of the few made us feel very welcome.
We all sang, I cried lots, Shell cried more we knew our baby was dead, we just wanted to say goodbye and hadn’t yet fully comprehended reality yet.
I bury my hands in my face as tears stream down it as I typed the previous lines, that moment of joy and pain as we let go of our unborn baby, as every one blessed us, the love in the room made us feel safe and that no matter what happened we would be okay from this day forth, as we gripped hands tightly, so tightly it hurt, we smiled at each other and said the lords prayer together.
I keep repeating over and over “give me joy in my heart” I will banish the demons of my mind, monsters named, guilt, resentment, hate, agony, torment and self-pity, all of whom have now been slain.
The walk home after the church was where our real nightmares began.
We were both very hungry, we hadn’t eaten yet today, no way to cook at all and we had run out of money, or so we had thought, a glance at the cash machine and some cash from somewhere, we didn’t care were from, we withdrew it all, about £60.
Spent £20 or so on a breakfast we couldn’t eat, Shell looked terrible, I was so worried, she was as white as snow, and the pain in her eyes was so extreme that everyone in the café noticed it, the room suddenly went quiet.
The waitress came over, held her hands in prayer and sincerely asked if we was okay, I tearfully replied we have just lost our baby and just want to eat and asked her polity if that was okay? As we where both crying so deeply, they said it was, looked shocked and took our order.
Watching her in so much torment, my love I’m so so sorry, I could do nothing to help her, to save her, we was so helpless, all I could do was stroke her arm and face and tell her I loved her, over and over.
We hardly ate, paid and left, I can hardly walk, we had no wheel chair, and Shell and I are both struggling to support each others weight, we leave the building frustratedly tripping over each other and started bickering in a confused and bewildered manner, I don’t remember why exactly, both of us where panicking she was bleeding badly, blood running down her legs in the high street, there was people everywhere, we clasped the floor, hand in hand, no one came to help.
I didn’t know what to do my love I’m so sorry, she sat on the floor outside an estate agents bawling and screaming, I’ve lost my baby, hands covered in blood, we panicked, I walked around in circles, and found my self almost lost.
Where is she? I don’t know, she isn’t where she was, there is a small patch of blood where she sat, and bloody foot prints guide me in her direction, what had I done? I panicked and abandoned her, I’m so sorry my love, you never told me, I didn’t understand, she said nothing.
Both of us knew now what this meant but I had no idea what would follow.
We both ended up at home quickly, I don’t remember how, so confused, dazed, stunned, she pulled her self up the stairs and went into the bathroom, little did I know that on our way home, what was left of baby had mostly ejected into her leggings, she said nothing.
I asked if she was okay, no answer, she suddenly shouted my name, a shriek I will never forget, a shrill so chilling it froze me still. she said it over and over, I was frozen by it for what seemed liked an age, still shocked and stunned by months of torment, I rushed the stairs as fast as possible.
What happened next has taken many hours to write.
Upon reaching the bathroom an odd soft silence become me, a stillness an awareness, I knocked gently on the closed bathroom door and asked gently if Shell was okay, she asked me to come in and what I found, what I see with my own eyes, scares me so very much, we was horrified, we was petrified, but both of us found comfort in our love.
I found her cuddling, clutching onto baby parts, laying in a huge pool of blood, some meter or about six feet or so wide laying on the bathroom floor sobbing, silently, her eyes so dark, her face so full of sorrow, holding entrails in her hands close to her chest, I love you my darling is all I could think, all I could do, all I could say.
Upon noticing me, she started to say our baby, our baby and began to cry and scream so loudly, she was so scared, I fell backwards, perhaps I fainted, I don’t know I hit the floor, BANG, the kids came out from our sons room to witness what I had just seen.
I calmly, tears streaming down my face rushed them into the bedroom and asked to not come out until Daddy says its okay and not to worry, everything will be alright, I was sure she was going to die.
I went back to Shell, fell to my knees and tried to hug her, she was half swooped over her self clutching onto our dead daughter, she didn’t want to let go, I have never felt nor witnessed so much pain in all my days, I hope no one bears witness to this kind of torment ever again, I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
I knelt, I stared, I wept, distraught a flood of tears becometh me.
I was so helpless, I had no idea what to do, I got my iPhone and called an ambulance immediately, paramedics arrived promptly, fast in fact, I only had time to lay Shell into a recovery position, covered her with a towel to keep her warm, I treated her for shock, I didn’t know what else to do, I had time for a quick prayer before the paramedics arrived, I thought she was going to die, so much blood, I was sure I had lost them both, thank God she lives.
I got out the way and went to talk with the kids got them downstairs whilst the paramedics where in the bathroom with Shell behind closed doors.
Time went so slow, the children where crying, they see the blood, and Shell clutching entrails, our baby, oh my God please help us.
I got them downstairs and called my Nan.
Whilst trying to make a cup of hot chocolate and tea for Nan, I spilt a large quantity of chocolate powder on the kitchen work surface, I suddenly knew the universe hated me and I deserved it, but then from nowhere I had made a cross on the work surface out of that chocolate powder, and written Andromeda Hope upon it. Funny I had done it right under our Buddha in the kitchen, it still sits there for now, as I write this it all happened some mere eight hours perhaps twelve or less ago, it’s taken me a long time to write and oh so many tears.
I stared at that chocolate cross for what seemed like an eternity, it gave me so much comfort to know our baby was safe, I stared at it till the ambulance arrived, more waiting, please tell me if Shell is alive, please, NO, NO, NO, NO, I begged, please not Shell to.
Much more time passes, I sat in the kitchen on the floor my head in my lap, both of my cigarette burnt hands clutching my face, crying; knowing there is nothing to do but wait.
Perhaps half an hour had passed before they told me Shell was alive and well, I went upstairs to catch them mopping up our baby into a bucket, the coldness of the situation sickens me till my stomach wrenches, they took Shell to the hospital where she stays tonight and she will be home tomorrow, I do not know what I did to piss of the universe but our family didn’t deserve this.
Hours passed before the hospital rang me, I was looking after the kids we all shouldnt, couldn’t go to the hospital to the special baby care unit.
Eventually I arrived at the hospital, they called me as I was already on my way to tell me I could come now, the waiting was killing me, more waiting upon arrival.
They said they was still scanning, testing etc, got me a coffee so I went to the toilets rolled a spilff and made my way of premises to smoke it and call someone, anyone, although I spoke to my Mum and some other family, keep your chin up, shit happen, life goes on, doesn,t quit cut the mustard, yes those things are true I aspire to make that so, but oh my God this hurts so badly.
Being in a maternity ward with newborn babies and pregnant women everywhere was really tough for me, I wandered lost gazing at babies and Mums to be like I had never seen one before.
There was nothing I could do, I had hardly anytime to see Shell due to the babies in the building, hush, they allowed me access for a short time to hold her, I told her not to worry, I would take good care of her, care of the kids, we would all wait for her safe return.
I called my Nan to collect me, headed outside.
As I left the building, a new Mum with her baby and two Mum’s to be where complaining about some non trivial minutia problem within the hospital and getting so stressed about it.
I polity said excuse me, is that your baby? How beautiful, please enjoy her, don’t worry about such small things, I have just lost my baby and felt I should let you girls know there is much more to life than the troubles that stressed them.
One of them cried, I’m sorry girls, they all hugged me, and said they was sorry and thanked me for making them realise how pointless they stress was.
What a day.
before putting the kids to bed I remember they must not go into the bathroom and I got the tooth brushes etc out and they used the kitchen today.
I had forgotten almost for that moment I was concentrating on brushing the kids teeth, I entered the bathroom, noticed what looked like the fetus still left there in a very small pool of blood, on closer inspection it was, oh my baby so very small, tiny, petite.
I have to at some point clean the rest of our baby of the floor of our new house and I have no idea what to do with her, save our souls for we must be in hell.
I would like to finish by saying that if reading this goodbye to our unborn, you shed a tear, our family thanks you from the bottom of our hearts, always know that if you ever feel lonely or afraid and that nobody cares.
Understand that no matter what you have done, no matter what’s done to you, I care about you and so does our family.
Namaste, thank you, Goodbye sweet angel, may you rest in peace and tranquility eternally in Heaven, Amen.
I have lots more to say and nothing more to say, loving kindness, Stu.