Goodbye my baby

Today our baby died, I have to say goodbye once and for all to everything of yesterday, all the envy, hate and resentment has to go for good, my precious Shell is in the hospital tonight, she is safe and will be home tomorrow, today I count my blessings and thank God that she is still alive, so much blood lost, so much blood, I love her, the kids, Jade, so very deeply, the kids see almost everything that happened in our bathroom today, oh my God my children, please keep them safe.

I try to write something, probably nothing legible, I am completely, non compos mentis, running only on pure adrenaline, I can feel it rushing through my veins, hammering the keys of this tiny notebook, as a million images of hurt pass my eye lids every time I blink.

I’ve tucked the kids too sleep, Grandma fed them, thank you, I told them Mummy is okay and loves them very much, I kissed them on the head and came down stairs to write.
The children have been their usual playful selves, but they have a deep remorse in their eyes, it’s fortunately the first time they have tasted deaths bitter sting, I pity not there last of such meals, but to experience it so young, their mum, their unborn sibling.
Oh the sorrow in their eyes, I can see it clear as daylight, I remember it in slow-mo, them seeing their mum in so much pain, it haunts me to know they have felt that way, through no fault of anyones, there is no one to blame.

I am going to just write today, sorry if anything horrifies, I am going to type what happened because I feel I have to, there is no one else to talk to and I will get these emotions under control somehow.

I sit alone, tired and withered, withdrawn by the days activities, yet alone the previous months, my mind is awake with its nefarious nit-pickings; numbly, nervously; I notate.

Today! Oh today, to even think about today, agonized one’s soul, entire being, complete existence, I have no feeling in my entire being, I am numb from hair to toenail, as if dipped in icy shard filled liquid nitrogen.
To be pulled out swiftly, so that every single shard scratches your frozen skin, cutting slowly the entire surface of your body, to feel so numb, so much pain, in a single moment, the mind, the body, can not contemplate,  just shutdown, comatose; silent!

I hope to wake from this nightmare that has become my life, awake from the torment and torture that has slain me, pinned me down like a trapped animal, I sit encased in remorse, clawing at the cage of despair, in hope to escape its cruel miserable precipice, with only a keyboard and a blog to comfort me.

No words can describe how empty we feel right now, our minds torn by infidelity, twisted into a bout of resentment, arguing for weeks who the father was, I have cigarette burns on my arms and hands, cuts on my arms, legs and chest from razor blades, I have been locked up twice at the short stay mental hospital, escorted via police car each time for self harming, all that pain and hate, because fourteen years of friendship and a sixteen year relationship was destroyed, due to them fucking each other, all of it was for nothing.

Thank you Darren Edwards for all of your wonderful gifts of life lessons, that you so wantonly bestow upon us, I hope you live a joyous and happy life, may you know love as we still do once again, may your wife and children forgive you as our family have forgiven each other, may your family and friends forgive you, may they all allow you back into their homes and into their hearts, I pray for you and your family and friends, that you all find peace, the kind of peace that we have in our family now, with thanks to you, a peace that is still, silent, and never empty;

The kind of peace that’s only filled right to the brim with forgiveness and pure love, as now after your gifts, all we have left is us and our love for each other, all we ever did have and all we ever ignored is gone, except for us, by course of events we have lost everything, thank you once again, for teaching us that we already had everything we ever needed right under our noses, US, our  family and what a painful lesson it was for us to learn.

Namaste respectfully.

From this point on I would like to say that you are not going to believe this is not fiction, such a terrible and traumatic day have we all endured.

New home new start, everything has been better since we moved in a day or so ago, I forget now, I just needed to get out of that old house, too much has happened there recently for me to mentally cope with the pressure of living there.

Last night, Shell in her innocent naïvety put on the TV after I had spent sometime, hours in fact, rigging TiVo to a pc monitor, she decided that it would be great if she and I sat down to watch Penis Envy.
I reacted badly, but controlled, but please baby stop goading me, each time she kills me a little bit more than I’m already dying.

This morning we were huffy with each other, she understood my reaction but we are under so much pressure, so tired, it’s hardly surprising we get lowly with each other now and then yet alone under the pressure we have been under, we kissed politely, said good morning gruffly and got ready to go to Church.

The conversation on the way was not great, we both exchanged the odd pleasantry, a verbal attack now and then, mainly caused by me, things where not going to plan today, we were both extremely agitated at everything due to lack of sleep, lack of funds to move house, most of our home is trapped at our old place as we simply do not have the manpower or the funds to move any of the furniture, TV, fridge freezer, etc.

We persisted the long walk to the church, sometimes holding hands, sometimes walking apart, we tortured each other all the way there.
On the approach to the church, we was walking apart by some hundred meters or so, what are we doing? We have both lost our way and our selves.

We bumped into Mary, an old neighbour whom we had always said hello to, nothing more than a friendly smile had we granted her, she stopped us one at a time, she was heading to the church too,  Mary had asked them to say a prayer for us, noticed us apart, walking separately, then bought us back together to enter the church, we walked in hand in hand, heads bowed in shameful pity.

Let me explain what Mary did for Shell yesterday, a genuine moment of loving kindness, just her explaining it to me made me smile and cry with joyous grace.

Mary noticed Shell, crying at the front door to the old house, many others did not, and asked her if she was okay, she had sat alone there sometime in self-pity and blame on her way back from the shops.
Mary held her hand, softly spoke to her and asked her to come to her house.
Once inside, she proceeded to pray for us, she prayed for Shell to God and for the baby.
Shell had opened up to her and had told her everything that had happened between us, when she arrived home, I sensed a huge relief in her persona and I thank you Mary for your loving kindness and genuine compassion, you have lifted a huge and mighty weight of guilt from Shell and I heavenly thank you for freeing her encumbrance and being such a wonderful Human, God bless you.

As we entered the church Mary held our hands and guided us to the front.
We all sat and waited, there wasnt many in attendance but the joy of the few made us feel very welcome.
We all sang, I cried lots, Shell cried more we knew our baby was dead, we just wanted to say goodbye and hadn’t yet fully comprehended reality yet.

I bury my hands in my face as tears stream down it as I typed the previous lines, that moment of joy and pain as we let go of our unborn baby, as every one blessed us, the love in the room made us feel safe and that no matter what happened we would be okay from this day forth, as we gripped hands tightly, so tightly it hurt, we smiled at each other and said the lords prayer together.

I keep repeating over and over “give me joy in my heart” I will banish the demons of my mind, monsters named, guilt, resentment, hate, agony, torment and self-pity, all of whom have now been slain.

The walk home after the church was where our real nightmares began.
We were both very hungry, we hadn’t eaten yet today, no way to cook at all and we had run out of money, or so we had thought, a glance at the cash machine and some cash from somewhere, we didn’t care were from, we withdrew it all, about £60.

Spent £20 or so on a breakfast we couldn’t eat, Shell looked terrible, I was so worried, she was as white as snow, and the pain in her eyes was so extreme that everyone in the café noticed it, the room suddenly went quiet.
The waitress came over, held her hands in prayer and sincerely asked if we was okay, I tearfully replied we have just lost our baby and just want to eat and asked her polity if that was okay? As we where both crying so deeply, they said it was, looked shocked and took our order.
Watching her in so much torment, my love I’m so so sorry, I could do nothing to help her, to save her, we was so helpless, all I could do was stroke her arm and face and tell her I loved her, over and over.
We hardly ate, paid and left, I can hardly walk, we had no wheel chair, and Shell and I are both struggling to support each others weight, we leave the building frustratedly tripping over each other and started bickering in a confused and bewildered manner, I don’t remember why exactly, both of us where panicking she was bleeding badly, blood running down her legs in the high street, there was people everywhere, we clasped the floor, hand in hand, no one came to help.

I didn’t know what to do my love I’m so sorry, she sat on the floor outside an estate agents bawling and screaming, I’ve lost my baby, hands covered in blood, we panicked, I walked around in circles, and found my self almost lost.
Where is she? I don’t know, she isn’t where she was, there is a small patch of blood where she sat, and bloody foot prints guide me in her direction, what had I done? I panicked and abandoned her, I’m so sorry my love, you never told me, I didn’t understand, she said nothing.
Both of us knew now what this meant but I had no idea what would follow.

We both ended up at home quickly, I don’t remember how, so confused, dazed, stunned, she pulled her self up the stairs and went into the bathroom, little did I know that on our way home, what was left of baby had mostly ejected into her leggings, she said nothing.

I asked if she was okay, no answer, she suddenly shouted my name, a shriek I will never forget, a shrill so chilling it froze me still. she said it over and over, I was frozen by it for what seemed liked an age, still shocked and stunned by months of torment, I rushed the stairs as fast as possible.
What happened next has taken many hours to write.

Upon reaching the bathroom an odd soft silence become me, a stillness an awareness, I knocked gently on the closed bathroom door and asked gently if Shell was okay, she asked me to come in and what I found, what I see with my own eyes, scares me so very much, we was horrified, we was petrified, but both of us found comfort in our love.

I found her cuddling, clutching onto baby parts, laying in a huge pool of blood, some meter or about six feet or so wide laying on the bathroom floor sobbing, silently, her eyes so dark, her face so full of sorrow, holding entrails in her hands close to her chest, I love you my darling is all I could think, all I could do, all I could say.
Upon noticing me, she started to say our baby, our baby and began to cry and scream so loudly, she was so scared, I fell backwards, perhaps I fainted, I don’t know I hit the floor, BANG, the kids came out from our sons room to witness what I had just seen.

I calmly, tears streaming down my face rushed them into the bedroom and asked to not come out until Daddy says its okay and not to worry, everything will be alright, I was sure she was going to die.

I went back to Shell, fell to my knees and tried to hug her, she was half swooped over her self clutching onto our dead daughter, she didn’t want to let go, I have never felt nor witnessed so much pain in all my days, I hope no one bears witness to this kind of torment ever again, I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

I knelt, I stared, I wept, distraught a flood of tears becometh me.

I was so helpless, I had no idea what to do, I got my iPhone and called an ambulance immediately, paramedics arrived promptly, fast in fact, I only had time to lay Shell into a recovery position, covered her with a towel to keep her warm, I treated her for shock, I didn’t know what else to do, I had time for a quick prayer before the paramedics arrived, I thought she was going to die, so much blood, I was sure I had lost them both, thank God she lives.

I got out the way and went to talk with the kids got them downstairs whilst the paramedics where in the bathroom with Shell behind closed doors.

Time went so slow, the children where crying, they see the blood, and Shell clutching entrails, our baby, oh my God please help us.

I got them downstairs and called my Nan.

Whilst trying to make a cup of hot chocolate and tea for Nan, I spilt a large quantity of chocolate powder on the kitchen work surface, I suddenly knew the universe hated me and I deserved it, but then from nowhere I had made a cross on the work surface out of that chocolate powder, and written Andromeda Hope upon it. Funny I had done it right under our Buddha in the kitchen, it still sits there for now, as I write this it all happened some mere eight hours perhaps twelve or less ago, it’s taken me a long time to write and oh so many tears.

I stared at that chocolate cross for what seemed like an eternity, it gave me so much comfort to know our baby was safe, I stared at it till the ambulance arrived, more waiting, please tell me if Shell is alive, please, NO, NO, NO, NO, I begged, please not Shell to.

Much more time passes, I sat in the kitchen on the floor my head in my lap, both of my cigarette burnt hands clutching my face, crying; knowing there is nothing to do but wait.

Perhaps half an hour had passed before they told me Shell was alive and well, I went upstairs to catch them mopping up our baby into a bucket, the coldness of the situation sickens me till my stomach wrenches, they took Shell to the hospital where she stays tonight and she will be home tomorrow, I do not know what I did to piss of the universe but our family didn’t deserve this.

Hours passed before the hospital rang me, I was looking after the kids we all shouldnt, couldn’t go to the hospital to the special baby care unit.

Eventually I arrived at the hospital, they called me as I was already on my way to tell me I could come now, the waiting was killing me,  more waiting upon arrival.

They said they was still scanning, testing etc, got me a coffee so I went to the toilets rolled a spilff and made my way of premises to smoke it and call someone, anyone, although I spoke to my Mum and some other family, keep your chin up, shit happen, life goes on, doesn,t quit cut the mustard, yes those things are true I aspire to make that so, but oh my God this hurts so badly.

Being in a maternity ward with newborn babies and pregnant women everywhere was really tough for me, I wandered lost gazing at babies and Mums to be like I had never seen one before.

There was nothing I could do, I had hardly anytime to see Shell due to the babies in the building, hush, they allowed me access for a short time to hold her, I told her not to worry, I would take good care of her, care of the kids, we would all wait for her safe return.

I called my Nan to collect me, headed outside.
As I left the building, a new Mum with her baby and two Mum’s to be where complaining about some non trivial minutia problem within the hospital and getting so stressed about it.
I polity said excuse me, is that your baby? How beautiful, please enjoy her, don’t worry about such small things, I have just lost my baby and felt I should let you girls know there is much more to life than the troubles that stressed them.

One of them cried, I’m sorry girls, they all hugged me, and said they was sorry and thanked me for making them realise how pointless they stress was.

What a day.

before putting the kids to bed I remember they must not go into the bathroom and I got the tooth brushes etc out and they used the kitchen today.

I had forgotten almost for that moment I was concentrating on brushing the kids teeth, I entered the bathroom, noticed what looked like the fetus still left there in a very small pool of blood, on closer inspection it was, oh my baby so very small, tiny, petite.
I have to at some point clean the rest of our baby of the floor of our new house and I have no idea what to do with her, save our souls for we must be in hell.

I would like to finish by saying that if reading this goodbye to our unborn, you shed a tear, our family thanks you from the bottom of our hearts, always know that if you ever feel lonely or afraid and that nobody cares.
Understand that no matter what you have done, no matter what’s done to you, I care about you and so does our family.

Namaste, thank you, Goodbye sweet angel, may you rest in peace and tranquility eternally in Heaven, Amen.

I have lots more to say and nothing more to say, loving kindness, Stu.

Hospitalised

After the storm that become me, I ripped the skin from my face.
I lit the cigarettes, burned myself, a bitter smell I can still taste.
I smashed my own head in, with bitter disgrace and anger.
Someone soon please help me, to leave the human race.
As I beat my head in outrage, couldn’t get out of the door.
I tried to fly through windows, closed that not shatter whilst I fall.
The cold glass was forced upon me, insane I feel of mind.
Her only hope to stop the hurt, was by me doing time.
Locked away and forgotten, I stare at the bright lights.
I only wanted to be alone, in your arms through scary nights.
But now I get caged up with only me to see, the torture it continues by abandoning me.
I’m soon to see the doctor, they try to make amens.
If there is a God, then the devil is his friend.
I’m so sad and lowly, who really gives a shit.
About my self harm and torture, self pity in my pit.
I really must be going, let’s bring this to an end.
My pain it’s own illusion, when all I wanted was a friend.

Day Fiftynine:

What a wonderful, pleasant, loving and joyful day was had by our family today.

We awoke early with beaming smiles on our faces, decided to go out together as a family and had a great day.
I unfortunately yesterday fell and smashed my knee so we had to take my wheel chair on our adventure.

We all held hands and headed into town, had a lovely meal at Costa Coffee and headed to the park.
The sun was shining most of the day and I glee with the enjoyment of watching the kids play.
Shell and I sat together hand in hand, I stroked baby bump gently as we watched the kids running around the adventure playground.

There was lots of other family’s there all smiling and happy what a joyous moment.
It is days like this that are truly what we need to heal and move forwards, it is days like this that let me know just how lucky I am to have such a wonderful wife, children and family.

I keep these memories atop of my mind as they make me smile over and over.

I love you all so very much.

Day Fiftyeight:

She still lies to me, we argue more.

I booked my self into a short stay mental hospital as the pressure of everything has got to me.
Shell continues to lie to despite asking me to marry her on the same day.

You destroyed my trust, I held onto it by a thread and then you simply tossed it away.

I love you my queen but your lies are not something I can forgive you for today as tomorrow they will haunt my dreams.

I believed you, trusted you to tell me the truth and you even lied about that.

Your friends you care and respect for, me I am nothing more to you than a lowly piece of shit on the bottom of your shoe.

I doubt I’ll be back, goodbye.

Please God!

Forgive me for everything I have done that torments.

Forgive me for not having the strength to move forwards.

Forgive me for not having the courage to forgive and forget.

Forgive me for not being a worthy Human of loving grace.

Amen.

Day Fiftyseven:

I am a somewhat over emotional person, but with that comes passion enthusiasm and drive.
Until recently though, that drive was stuck in reverse and the gear knob broke.

Recent events of past, force me to reevaluate life, a more positive out look is defiantly forming, as I release my mind to all that cares to notice, I let go of the tournament that often plagues it.

Today has been a roller coaster ride of ups and downs, highs and lows, a sharp sudden stop!
And a wake up call.

Let me explain, today Shell opened up to me, probably due to pressure of my line of questioning.
Finally I get some respite as to why she had the affair in the first place, thank you.

Perhaps now my sleep will be less torrential.

She says that she had lost sight of who I was, who she was, the medication had taken me to a very dark, cold and lonely place, due to her love she walked there with me and got lost in the shadows and begged for a hand to rescue her but none came, she was isolated cold and lonely.

One finally came along from a friend she trusted for many years, she desperately grasped at it, wanting to just be noticed, held, told everything would be okay. He deceitfully tricked her with a web of lies for his own selfish sexual desires. Then dropped her like a stone into a pond of torment, she returns home to her true love to lick his wounds and watch his anguish muster.

She still loved me deeply but we hadn’t talked for months, I was asleep when she was awake and visa versa. Our days, weeks months had been spent in a bitter torment or ignoring each other and the only real closeness was sexual and non trivial chit chat.

Even that had become a chore to us due to my health, she wanted to feel something, anything, she had an affair, I cut myself, I understand now and let go of a huge weight, I feel lighter.

I didn’t feel this way at all she is everything to me, but the place I had been visiting for a very long time bought me so very close to death and nearly cost me my love, losing you is so much worse than dying.

We where both deeply depressed, lost, living each day as it comes.

I had nearly died twice in the last year from prescribed medication overdoses, the pressure of life had torn apart our being, we had lost our selves, our way, blocked by doors of our own doing and life’s consequence.

The year before we had been evicted from our home, our landlady sold our house and during the move Shells Dad passed away, the stress and pressure of it all was killing her inside, she said nothing.
I just hid away and ignored everything and everyone, I wasn’t there to hold her hand, to comfort her.

I was so lost in pain and self torment I never even went to the funeral, its no surprise I lost you my love, looking back it surprises me that you still love me as much as you do.

I feel for you, your heart is aching to and my only concern was with my own.
I am sorry for not considering you and the effects this has had on your feelings.

Her openness and honesty hurt like hell but I must thank her, as after the waterfall of tears I feel confident that our future, is not some imaginary dream, but a real goal we can actually achieve.

Although this post seems filled with gloom and doom its more like simple reminiscence, as last night after making passionate love and caressing each other for many hours Shell, gently stroked my face, turned me towards her, looked deep in my eyes and asked me to marry her.

Shock horror!

WOW! I am finally going to be a proper husband and not one living out of wedlock.

Eighteen years ago on her birthday the 25th of April I asked her to marry me, she still has the receipt for the ring from the second-hand jewellers shop all this time later.

Since then I have asked her hundreds of times and due to the nature of our relationship, life and her fear of commitment I assume, she has never really taken marriage seriously.

For her to come out with it like that now after all this time means everything to me.

I call her my wife because to me she already is, we even all have the same names so the kids didn’t have different names to the parents.

She now asks that I take her to be my lawfully wedded wife, under the eyes of God.

And I gracefully and ecstatically accepted.

I still had problems with shooting my mouth of today although much less virulent and controlled.
I walked myself upstairs had a bath calmed my self and came back down, my counsellor said that it is suppressed rage and resentment, and is often caused from simply being nice to the person or people whom have hurt you.

She suggested that I need some form of release to let the steam out of the kettle, as at the moment I have no way for it to escape except for via my mouth and this blog.

I know writing this all down is healing me tremendously, God! forbid what I would be like else.

I do, I do, I do.

I will honour and obey you my love.

Day Fiftysix:

I woke up this morning about 8:50 alert and standing fully to attention, so to speak.

I had awoken to a smile as sweat as candy floss.

The day started out sunny, Shell made a massive effort and were not even out of bed yet, don’t give up, it’s working, although you may think otherwise.

As I rolled over completely, Shell stirred, smiled at me and told me she loved me repeatedly, please do this more often my love it’s so meaningful to me, this will make these problems lesson more hastily don’t stop!

We caressed each other for a while , began to kiss softly, we rubbed noses then became entangled.

As I started to make love to her I could feel my self-control gently drifting away.
We made love for half an hour or so before I suddenly stopped without finishing!
Collapsing atop of her, I began snivelling all over her, I gripped her tightly as to never let her go.

A real passion killer I can tell you, I got up lowly, went downstairs then sat on my own crying once again, everyone around me says, move on, let it go, I know, I know, I know…

But in the situation above how do you just move on?

I ended up sexually frustrated, resentful and bitter, it goes without saying that when you’re in an emotional state such as this, you are not the happiest person to be around, it’s not a good idea right now to try and have a civil conversation.

Again something wonderful, sensual and loving gets corrupted by my thoughts, like adverts with volume full, in my face they deliver their message, not with deliberation but cruel intent.

Even kissing you does not feel right, have you changed the way you kiss.
Is that how you kissed him? Or is it me?

I try so hard to just ignore the images and thoughts of deceit in my minds eye, but they keep playing peek a boo with my sub conscious whilst I sleep, day dream and ponder.
They haunt me when we make love, spectre’s spooking me back into reality.

How can I fix this?

The childish emo fits I have succumbed to daily for the last few days are ruining our chances to heal, it is Shell who now resents me, I still sit here, selfishly feeling sorry for my self.

I want to make love to you and feel you like I used to, I need to!

Your more than sexual meat I abuse for my own lustful pleasures, your are my love, my lover, my companion, partner, friend, the mother of our babies, everything about you makes me tingle, I must keep reminding myself of this continuously and never stop.

I don’t know how to begin explaining the complex emotions I am experiencing as I type this out, trying to tell you in words how much I love you is much harder than I imagined it to be.

For some reason my music is out of sync with yours, our rhythm out of time.
I wish the DJ of love would fix the broken beats in my heart and synchronise our rhythms once again

Your body is my body, my soul is your soul, our two hearts beat as one
I know with absolute certainty the rhythm of our hearts will never be out of sync.

I love you.

Day Fifityfive:

Restless sleep makes you really pissed off for the want of better words.

Im’ so tired…

I struggled to make a cup of coffee this morning and dropped my cup on the floor, it smashed to bits, then in a frivolous fury of frustration; I grabbed the coffee jar and slammed it into the floor, the glass shattered in all directions and the brown coffee granules ejected all over the room.

What a mess!

10:38

Shell has been off with me for days, I am really feeling the pressure of trying to be nice on the outside when you’re dying from within.

Maybe there is hope after all, Shell just sent me a text and usually I keep those things private but there are exceptions to the rule right?

She said:

I love you so very much, I feel your pain but don’t know how to take it away or how to comfort you.

I feel you are slipping away from me more each day and that scares me.

I try to hold you, Tell you I love you, I must find another way to bring you back to me.

That bond between us was like a rope that keeps pulling us back together, the rope has worn thin and frayed.

I must strengthen the rope and not let it break like string.

I know you feel our love is held together by cobwebs, but know that cobweb is one of the strongest materials known to us, if we keep puling on the rope together in the same direction we will be able to get closer to each other and tie a knot, rather than tormenting each other in a bitter tug of war.

11:47

I got a very special message from a very special person, no names sorry! They know who they are.

It said: (slightly modified for privacy)

I don’t blame you, I did not mind as I still read everything everyday , it seems like your depression is getting worse and I don’t want that for you. I know what Shell did was wrong and I can only imagine what you are feeling but look how far you have come over the past 16 years, you CAN get through this.

You both need to enjoy each other no matter how much it hurts at the moment.

I know you love Shell very much and I know she does make mistakes, trust me I’ve been through some of them with her too; I have to keep saying, think about the kids! Because it rubs off on them especially at the age they are at, I don’t want them to feel down too.

By what I’ve been told about Shells dates speaking to her, it sounds to me that the baby is defiantly yours, so forget about everything else and shut the world out, you and Shell have a baby on the way and your little family is all that matters now.

Go and hug her even if it hurts you and tell her you love her give her, a little positive note and say that you know that you can get through it.

Then I want you to go and hug the kids and tell them you love them and that your sorry for being down lately and that your going to change that.

You may not think it at the moment but they need you now more than ever trust me.
I don’t know what I would do without my Dad.

Please  just think to the future and not what has happened in the past, remember you can’t change that.

I love you Xxx

I hope you don’t mind me posting that message although modified ever so slightly as you know.

I love you to and thank you for caring and passing me a hand via words that I see with my eyes and feel in my heart.

I will do exactly as you suggest, today more than any other due to the tension it would make the biggest difference and liven up every bodies day, you really are a wonderful person and I am truly grateful and blessed to be apart of your life.

Thank you again for telling me just what I needed to hear, in such a sweet way.

It’s still early enough to finish the day off nicely.

As I finish this sentence the Sun has just yawned out loudly and appears in the garden gently erasing the rain clouds.

20:40

Although I am in a huge amount of pain and lethargy reminds me so, we have had a reasonable day today, it didn’t start to good with my mouth ranting despicable torment for a short while after the coffee incident. Since then we have started to get close again, closer than we have been for some days. I’m pleased for Shells message, a simple use of words to let me know she is hanging on to our relationship, I to will not let it go, I love you far too much to let it hang out to dry.

I guess this is apart of the process of healing from such pain.

22:43

I listen to Red Sky at Night from the album On An Island by David Gilmour and write how I feel.

Why is it every time I go out of my way to be divinely nice, treat Shell with the utmost respect that she deserves, make her happy by going out of my way to really love her, I screw it all up with my mouth?

Phew!

I love you sweetheart, saying that now after what I just said to you makes the words feel dry.

I wish my mouth would just STFU and stay with the loving kindness, I truly feel in my heart and mind.

Why do I seem to have this primal urge to just rant at you randomly in a fit of rage and venom?

Please understand that what I say is a result of the bad images in my mind I do not mean any of it especially about the baby not being mine, what a horrible person I am, how dare I make you feel like that, especially when pregnant.

I want to rip my head off and hammer it to my arse as just as things got better I let rip at Shell making her whimper in tears.

I’m sorry for acting childish and immature, and saying all that rubbish to you and the fact the kids heard my outrage saddens me deeply.

Bad person I feel, Bad person I am, mistakes I have not learned from, but I am just a man.

I love you Shell with every part of my soul, life with you is my destiny, if only I would realise it.

I burned the rope you tossed me before I even had a chance to catch it this evening, please I’m begging you, throw me another one, I promise not to ever let it go.

It was me that caused the resentment and hate tonight not you, you have tried so hard and I thank you with all of my being.

Please forgive me, my love, as now I really need to learn to forgive myself for ventures past and failed memories.

Day Fiftyfour:

I couldn’t sleep last night I kept waking up gasping for breath, every time Shell touches me lately I get a cold chill succumb me, her icy touch has frozen my heart so numb that it no longer feels anything.

We had Chinese finally, well everyone else did, I was not really bothered about it and didn’t order anything, we tried to watch a film together but when Shells hand started to brush my leg I suddenly stood, went across the other side of the room to my computer and sat there in a solum confusion and stooped.

Due to the weather the last few days, I have been in agony, the pain in my legs today has made it extremely hard to move around, harder to use the bathroom as it’s up stairs.

I have been getting rather severe cramps in my legs lasting twenty minutes or so, these cramps come and go randomly, I have toppled over several times today.

Shell and I still are not talking, this has gone beyond a joke now, not only do I feel alone, even in my own house I sit alone in the dark.

Suffering with chronic fatigue today and can’t sleep, I am extremely run down and depressed.
I really can’t be bothered with anything much today, Shell has reduced me to a pittance of a Human wallowing in shallow pits of vile poisons.

Day Fiftythree:

Got up early again, I still can’t get to sleep at night till some o’clock in the a.m, yet I awake before the kids most mornings, if not only three of four hours after I slept, I’m so tired this week, in fact this month.

Around lunch time, Shell and I had a tiff, pointless argument, she is annoying me a lot lately.

She won’t talk to me, won’t write to me, she will have sex with me, I guess that is all I am worth.

The last day or so I do not really have any desire to get that close to her, just leave me alone to wallow in self pity.

Spent a few hours mixing lyrics I am starting to get the hang of this now, it is a shame my vocals sound like a bunch of drowning cats.

The kids came down and joined in with the mix we had some fun for little while making funny voices.

Shell slept most of the morning on the sofa, the more I write and beg for her to connect with me the further apart she lefts us drift.

14:57

I had a bath, hot water, thank you, it’s a shame that our water bill as we are on a meter is £1500 in debt, what can I do?

Without hot water I suffer, with it I can live a semi normal day, I wish I could transfer my pharmaceuticals bill I am not consuming anymore to pay for the energy and water.

17:24

Wrote an Easter Poem and watched some video.
Realised it was 2 hours long so posted to watch later 😉

18:05

Chinese, what a great idea, we all sat around chose what we wanted, isn’t great/

18:40

Chinese was shut!, fiddle sticks.

19:00

Looked up passion and my evening went tits up from there and I spent the night alone being ignored again, mainly due to me crying so much, I guess Shell is tired of it, and went to bed leaving me solo.

Believe me when I say I am tired of crying, hating, hurting, resenting and every other ing!
It hurts so much my skin stings like my entire body had been sandblasted, peeled then slowly dipped in salt.

Listened to Emeli Sandé shouldn’t have done that, very bad idea, I upset myself some more.

20:52

Had another bath and listened to some Solfeggio Harmonics, this was extremely calming.
After only about ten minutes or so of listening I found myself feeling much more at ease, relaxed and comfortable.

Goodnight!

Day Fiftytwo:

There isn’t much to say about today, the dank cold nature of it says it all really.
I spent most of my day on the computer attempting to mix my lyrics with some kind of beats, Shell has been off with me the last few days, I guess my poems have bothered her more then I cared to think about.

20:15

Shell offers to make us both Turbo’s, very nice of her to, I wish she would spend a little more effort making me feel special, especialy at the moment.

I am trying so hard to forgive and forget and to be a better husband, but I do not feel like the commitment to the course is equal from by parties.

20:31

Phone rings!

We missed it, 1471 reviles it was Shells friend with the relationship problems, ho hum!

Shell and I have not really spoken much over the last few days she has defiantly shown me her cold shoulder.

The reason I thought for the affair in the first place was our break down in communication but I am feeling like that breakdown had nothing to do with me.

Please talk to me my love.