A broken cigarette

All I have left are broken cigarettes, crumpled and torn, I’m broken and worn.
Tempers rage, for what seems like an age, a millennium of trouble.
On my knees I begged you, please please don’t go, without a care you left me there in pity on my own.
I pull out my hair, I smash my face, with every object I can place, I want not of this place.

See ya love he said to you, as he hugged goodbye to you, right in front of my eyes no wonder why I despise.
Your kisses are like shards of glass that softly cut my lips, the love I had is not gone, I fear its him that you miss.
It matters not what others say, it won’t be better another day, dropped like a stone.
You had sex while I cleaned our home, and waited for you spunk covered face to kiss me.

You said you loved me before you left, you even text after you was defiled, you held me close to your chest.
But his stench was apart of your style, there isn’t any hope, you fucked some other bloke.
Then rubbed him in my face, you said you did out the house, to hide from your disgrace.
But then you came back to brag, your bitter twisted fate, good bye cruel world.

I want to be alone, I kinda got used to it, with know one left to phone.
So I sit and ponder, there’s nothing more to do, but smoke a broken cigarette.
Wipe my mind of you, where are you going? You knew what you was doing.
Destroyer of dreams for a quick fuck, I knew what you was up to, but in my mind there is no doubt you wanted his corruption.

Day Fortyone:

What is with this timeline thing on Facebook, lol, it has reset all my shizzle on my profile so I had to go through it all again, what fun =)

Brilliant day so far again today, sun is shining and the weather has been great this week, Shell, Nan and I took a look at a house today and accepted it so it looks like we will be moving, it’s so exciting for all of us, the kids will get their own room, the kitchen is much bigger ooooh it’s so exciting, finally our own home XD.

It makes you feel all mushy inside.

Had my turbo, went for a short walk outside and did some emotional relaxation.

20:01

Nan has just left the building 😉 love my Nan she is the rock in our lives, she really helps us out when we are in dire need, no questions asked she is always there.

The kids are settling down and I am about to run Shell a bath we have had a productive day, after lasagna for Tea, the kids supped on a mixture of organic yogurt, bananas, orange, strawberry and organic dark chocolate, what a pain in the bum that is to grate with a cheese grater!

Not a lot to say about today, except it has been wonderful.

22:56

Shell and I sat down on the sofa and snuggled whilst we watched Heroes on Netflix, I was late running the bath as she was preoccupied watching the tele.

I ran my self a bath and chilled out to some healing painful emotions and bubbly bath, I do find this terribly calming, relaxing and certainly the thing to do if your suffer with pain, I try to do it daliy.

Shell is now in the bath and looks pregnant bless her, you can see the bump and her breasts are noticeably larger, she radiates at the moment and I love her more for it, she looks so beautiful.

Goodnight!

Day Twentyone:

Why does my heart feel so bad….

Why does my soul bleed so bad…

Another day of pooh I am afraid Shell got a phone call from her mate Rachel and immediately rushed off to look after her teenage kids as they have looked at porn and using the landline, why not simply block the sites from access on the router and put a pin on the phone?

As it turns out that when this was happening on day 19 Shell and Darren had prearranged to go and meet up and have sex in a field, they both lied to my face and have ruined nearly 20 years of friendship.

Dazza is coming down today we were supposed to be tidying the house and getting everything ready as Dan and Nina might come as well, this means we have to tidy up so that they all have somewhere to sleep.

As I cleaned the house they had met up and was fucking behind my back.

I have been up since yesterday crying and crying and crying I am an emotional wreck, I have know one to talk to as my best friend Simone whom I usually talk to when I have know one, can’t talk to me because she can hardly speak.

Both of us feel sick to our stomaches and I have no idea what will happen now.

Shell and I went to Costa and had lunch together with my Nan, I am trying so hard to forgive her as I know she loves me and she did admit everything to me, this has not been going on for long apparently it was all bollocks lust and jokes to start with that went over the line.

I hope that is the truth and if it is not there is nothing I can do about it, Loving kindness Darren Edwards may your life be filled with Loving Kindness and happiness I can forgive you but I do not think I will ever be able to be your friend.

I have just rolled Shell a joint with Tobacco in it I am not smoking any and stay as strong as I can, I feel alone and isolated and have know where to turn, I love Shell so much and it hurts less to forgive her than to hate her and let her go.

I hope that forgiving her is the right thing to do for the sake of the children as I do honestly be leave she loves me whole heartedly.

I am going to try every day to tell her I love her as the way I have treated her over the last few years was horrible and damn right torturous. I do claim my self for Shell feeling that she had to find someone else to feel loved as I had over time beaten her down to the point where not only is she scared of her own shadow but she felt alone and needed personal contact with another man to feel something.

I am so confused now but am trying not to be angry at all as all that will do is cause me pain.

All I want is Shell and I and the kids to be a family and love and care for each other, if that is what she wants then I will try with every part of my body and soul to make her feel loved and wanted so that she never feels she has to reach out for someone else.

I love you Shell and hope that I am not being a fool or taken for a ride as I honestly be leave what you told be true and that you genuinely did not want to break these things.

I doubt I will ever be able to talk to Simone again after all this I have lost life long friends and no I can’t even count them on one hand whom will I talk to when I am down.

No Turbo today I nearly smoked a cigarette just now and may even have one any way.

Well I am weak and have just smoked a joint with a very small amount of tobacco init and  a large amount of weed, it tasted horrible and I am struggling to smoke it but the endorphin release from the poisonous smoke attack on my central nervous system has calmed me no end, I am sure this will make a bit harder over the next few days to get by but I know that even though I have let my self down again there is no more cigarettes in the house and I am not buying any.

Please don’t hate me for smoking but I have still quit, maybe I just hate myself, I am classing this as another relapse.

I am weighing in now at 54 Kilos and have put on 5KG in three weeks.

Day Twenty:

Shell and I have had a good talk about the smoking and lying and she apologised for being a complete ass.
I bought her ten cigarettes yesterday as she really is struggling quitting just like that.
We are both trying to keep an eye on her smoking to break the habit yet still smoke now and again, she has done well so far other than lying about buying cigarettes she has actually cut down considerably, I am trying to  make sure that she smoke no more than three a day and not first thing in the morning after meals of with coffee and to think do I really want this cigarette? Do I really want to suck poisons into my body stick up my hair etc, this way of thinking is how I quit in the first place break the hold first.

Brent’s friend Kane Facetimed me last night about his PC, I said I would fix it for him FREE OFC…
unfortunately I have had it for about two weeks quitting smoking and all this detox has made me completely forget about it, Sorry Kane.

I promised that I would start it today for him so I had better get on with that, no excuses now as the house is clear and all the speakers are wired up, our new neighbours have banged abusively on our walls when we played some music they will have to just put up with it rude fucker’s, we have lived here for almost two years without a single problem before.

My son and I play electric guitars, my daughter plays keyboards and the Mrs plays saxophone we do not play late at night but the new neighbours starting complaining as soon as the music was switched on.

They should have spent more time investigating the area as in my opinion and others I have spoken to the new kid on the block has to fit in with every one around them and not the other way around.

There is a drummer very local whom plays a few times a week a noisy family that has fun on Fridays and every weekend here we get drunken bums giggling till the early hours, not that it bothers us to much but if the new neighbours are bothered by our low volume stereo they are in for a real treat when it starts to warm up lol.

Sold some old army gear for £15 and Shell went to Morrison’s this afternoon and got the ingredients together for some Turbos YAY finally got my lips around that scrummy goodness.

After the Pizza we had yesterday when Darren was here it certainly felt great to get some good stuff inside me.
Got plenty of ingredients for a few more days yet, so that is brilliant.

I screwed up and smoked one cigarette it is not the end of the world if you are quitting and smoke one don’t threat shit happens, just try not to do it again =)

I have not smoked any cigarettes since the other days single cigarette mistake.

Day Nineteen:

Why does my heart feel so bad….

Why does my soul bleed so bad…

Another day of pooh I am afraid Shell got a phone call from her mate Rachel and immediately rushed off to look after her teenage kids as they have looked at porn and using the landline, why not simply block the sites from access on the router and put a pin on the phone?

What that has to do with us is beyond me, but as always Shell says one thing and does another. Dazza is coming down today we were supposed to be tidying the house and getting everything ready as Dan and Nina might come as well, this means we have to tidy up so that they all have somewhere to sleep.

No Turbo again today grrrr, still not smoked and I do not feel so bad about it today, yesterday was hell.

My body is aching a lot, intact I am in a terrible amount of pain, I am finding it very hard to get through the days atm.
Shell has no idea how much I struggle to get things done as she is always sulking when I do it, I really am upset with her and do not feel we have a future at this rate we are just drifting apart faster and faster.

I am now going to struggle on and  get the kids some lunch.

When Shell finally came home last night after her sulk she left the front door unlocked and never set the alarm again, she has no idea about health and safety and house hold security and if it was not for me we would have burned to death been burgled or both.

Anyways it is lunch time I am going to try to make the kids and I something, no doubt Shell will use Amber’s birthday money to get more fags whilst she is out and keep using are arguments as an excuse to lie.

Day Eighteen:

Well I managed 17 days without cigarettes but did smoke one in a joint last night, I do not feel like I want to smoke today at all I think it was more to do with frustration of Shell buying the cigarettes behind my back in the first place.

I can’t blaim her or anyone else I smoked the damn thing.

I am promising myself never to do that again.

Hopefully my card will come today we are both really fed up with having no access to cash as I cut up the card, silly me.

Today we get some income it is just getting our hands on it. I am not going to reset my counter for smoking as long as I do not smoke anything at all I think that is fair enough.

I am hoping to be able to go shopping today and get a weeks supply of Turbo Express ingredients.

Nothing happened today as Shell went on a emo trip again and disappeared, smoked a load of fags and come home stinking she has been really emotional the last week and the fact she has been secretly smoking explains it.

Why she couldn’t just say hey I am finding this tough and let me know I have no idea she just did her name sake and Shelled it all up and said nothing as usual.

She is an even bigger liar than I first thought and todays actions just prove that she only cares about her self.

She says she had several cigarettes considering she had no money and only had two this morning where did they come from, I think she either spent Ambers money on more fags or begged people in the street either way she sucks.

I am fed up with her attitude and lies, time to move on.

I have not smoked anything at all and am feeling frustrated and bitter about the lies never mind I’ll get over it.

We never got any shopping Shell sulked and I cooked the kids dinner, I have really been struggling these past few weeks to get things done around the house, Shell just sleeps mainly.

It is 01:00am I am tired and humpy really struggled to get to sleep as I am so angry and hurt. I set the alarm before Shell came home only to have to get up and reset it after she had come home she never even locked the door, thanks love for making me struggle down the stairs to clear up your mess once again hope your fags where worth it.

The pasta she did not cook for the kids dinner still sits on the hob.

Even if I wanted to have my turbo today i.e I had the ingredients I would have still had to clean the kitchen from top to bottom just to make it, the agreements we had last week about the kids emptying the dishwasher have gone out of the window more of Shells lies.