Communication Breakdown

Communication Breakdown

Our loves like a record, going round and round.

Mostly plays out smooth, but there’s a warping sound.

No conformity of ideas, so profound.

Conversation with you, it makes me frown.

Got my iMac, my beatbox, its criminal.
My iPhone, it rings like an animal.

There has to be away for us, to get it down.
My heart beats with bass, can you feel it now?

With you in my yard, I can honestly.
Make love, the whole of the holidays.

I know its true, you really want me to.
I can feel it when our bodies, are stuck like glue.

I feel your passion, oh what a feeling.
When my eyes are staring at the ceiling.

So I thought I’d tell, the Human race.
So they can feel our love, from outer space.

That you have, a special quality.
And all I wanna do, is Astronomy.

From the stars in the sky, you reveal it.
Your light of love, is so appealing.

It such a shame, that the only sound.

Within the silence, and the quaking grounds.

Is the sound of anger; frustration;

And resentment from a bitter situation.

Our loves like a record, going round and round.

Mostly plays out smooth, but there’s a warping sound.

No conformity of ideas, so profound.

Conversation with you, it makes me frown.

You met my brother, on Facebook.
I never give his chirp, a second look.

You seemed to like him, I was ignorant.
Inpatient, rotten and virulent.

As I sat there and watched you, drift from me.
I was stuck in my own world, of sodomy.

It wasn’t long, before the big mistake.
You handed yourself over, on a plate.

I thought there’s a chance, we can fix it.
Then pregnant you came home, to mix with.

Trauma and pain, with creation.
A life in the lottery of copulation.

It such a shame, that the only sound.

Within the silence, and the quaking grounds.

Is the sound of anger; frustration;

And resentment from a bitter situation.

Our loves like a record, going round and round.

Mostly plays out smooth, but there’s a warping sound.

No conformity of ideas, so profound.

Conversation with you, it makes me frown.

By Stuart Otway-Smith

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Hablar con ira!

Hablar con ira! (To speak with anger)

Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions

Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Blood boils, steam from it fills the room with mists of rage and vexation.
The silence cuts the mists with blunted scissors.

With displeasure, crossness and indignation he fills with self pity.
Then slowly burns the toxic fumes to comfort him.

She wallows in self hate and sorrow, he is numb from her lack of compassion.
As the mists pacified, regret enters the scene.

She sits alone crying in the cold room, head bashing on the walls of tepid stone.
He wants to comfort her, to caress her, to hold her but time freezes him in place.

The solemn couple dance their prance of condemnation until the rattled cage is opened.

The leafy rubbings the wrong way around upturn.

As hands of bone hold tightly till they shatter, skin flakes like snow fall like glitter to the floor.

She cries, he shouts, she storms out of the door.

The anguish of infidelity feasts on their souls then discards their withered bodies plunging them into the empty void.

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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. 

Day Fortythree:

RESENTMENT

Noun

his success led to resentment from critics: bitterness, indignation, irritation, pique, dissatisfaction, disgruntlement, discontentment, discontent, resentfulness, bad feelings, hard feelings, ill will, acrimony, rancor, animosity, jaundice; envy, jealousy

Resentment is often at the heart of conflict. It’s the kind of anger that says, “I don’t deserve this” and “you are wrong.” So it’s not just an emotion; it makes claims about how you think you deserve to be treated, and that someone has not complied with that expectation.

09:30

I was rudely awoken really early this morning by the telephone ringing, it had rung to the point of frustration, to that point where you knew that if you had only got up to answer it; it would have stopped already!

Shell and the kids had left for school it was about 8:30 am the first time it called, it then rang over and over till about 09:30 am, I got up, hobbled down the stairs and answered it to a dial tone.

It rang shortly afterwards it was Shell’s friend whom is undergoing a difficult break up, she wanted to speak with her urgently!

She asked me if she had woken me up, I grumpily replied YES, told her to call her mobile and promptly hung up.

I must admit I do care for Shell’s friend dearly but her relationship problems are causing background stress and problems with ours, this is mainly due to the worry it causes Shell and her friends stress rubs of onto her making Shell stressed out. She has been calling at really inconvenient times, not her fault I know, often in the middle of dinner, a family film, and more frequently interrupting us talking when the kids are asleep.

I couldn’t sleep last night, no nightmares or bad images, but the pain in my spine kept me tossing and turning in anguish, thwarting my rest, I remember looking at the clock on my phone, I keep it under my pillow; it said 04:53 am.

Having only a few hours sleep is not good for a FM sufferer, I am full of Fibro Fog today, my mind feels numb and cloudy and I am having a hard time concentrating on what the hell I am doing, yet alone what I’m saying.

My back hurts and feels like it is twisted, buckled, crushed and trampled, my ankles cause severe discomfort when I put weight on them and I have pins and needles down the left side of my body, emotionally, I am completely drained, my batteries are not depleted they have been completely removed, Apple Menu / Shut Down.

10:26

Shell made an unscheduled trip to the doctors this morning as she had cramps in her belly, she is okay thankfully but my anxt has been increased as the doctor made the conception dates closer to the affair date.

If I am completely honest this news terrorized my emotions and I freaked out, RED ALERT! Shields up!

For the first time since this happened almost six weeks ago, I threw everything in Shells face all at once, please forgive me my love, it pains me to see you cry.

I feel so terrible and bitter, how can I say I love her the way I do and still feel so much pain and resentment?

I know we can fix this, today I feel that it was me that broke a string on our bow of love and not the other way around.

Although it is not my fault what happened, I should not have been so mean and inconsiderate to your feelings today.

Afterwards you smiled at me and said lets start the day again and I am pleased that you think I am worth that, I thank you for being so strong, I am liking this new more positive and affirmative you it suits you beautifully.

Sigh, today I let my brain and my emotions get the better of me, there is no excuse for it what so ever!

Apologising after the fact when you have said some really unthoughtful and hurtful things seems pointless, how ever I did try really hard to explain to Shell how looking at the calendar and figuring out conception dates to date how far she is gone was extremely hard for me to deal with, I found out Shell had the affair on my daughters birthday I only just realised this fact to be the case and Darren had come down that weekend and both of them knew of the occasion.

In addition to this we have received contact from him twice in the last week, and from others chatting malicious chants of upsetting propaganda.

I know I acted harshly and said a lot things I really shouldn’t have, how does one control the tongue’s ravenous tone?

For the first time since this tragedy, I actually lost it, all down to pure resentment, and for that I am truly despondent!

I was not thinking about what I was saying, how much it hurt, or even who was listening, at one point I was crying and ranting to my self on my own in the front room in turmoil, in a tantrum of fear, I wandered around the room crying and dribbling on myself.

I guess there will be days like this and I am thankful that they have been very few and far between, I have counselling tonight with Relate and am going to ask them to concentrate on my emotional outbursts as it is these that are putting pressure on both us and our healing.

Shell’s Mum has been saying she is worried about me, she worries because she feels I am trying to hard, maybe I am but what more can I do?

I have to try harder, clearly as I am still having times where my emotional pain is passing on to others and tormenting them.

13:12

Shell made us both a Turbo and then went to pick up our son from School.

Apart from the turmoil this morning we have had a good day, the sun is shining once again and I am going to sit in it’s healing light and just be still.

I have learnt a very valuable lesson today, that we all must be responsible not only for our actions but also for our words.

15:54

Shell just sent me a text I know she won’t mind me publishing it’s contents.

Shell says:

I love you so very much, you are everything my heart desires, I thank you for staying with me and wish you happiness and joy.

I said:

Namaste my Queen, may the light of our love shine eternal.

17:00

My support worker from YOU has just left and I went through the events of the last month once again, it does not matter how many times I speak about what happened it hurts just the same, I wish I could simply erase it from my mind.

She has known Shell and I for about a year now and was surprised her self at what had happened, there wasn’t any thing really to say or to do except to arrange some things regarding our move and sort out some paperwork.

20:00

Appointment with Relate for my first counselling session!
I’ll write about how that went later, no doubt I will have to traumatise my self again explaining to the counsellor what’s up, but I know that this will help us heal.

21:49

Just got back from my appointment with Relate I had a cry and a chat about it with Shell for about forty five minutes, she is now relaxing in the bath so I have some time to share my first appointment experience.

Wow! that was tough.

I arrived for my first appointment to Relate (Relationship counselling) apprehensive and anxious, I booked in at reception and was greeted with a smile, I was asked to wait in a small waiting room off to the side, it was painted white, and was very clinical, it had half a dozen chairs, I hadn’t noticed at first and thought they was all red, except for the one I was sitting on as it was green in colour, trust me to pick the odd one ^^

Multiple informational brochures, advice leaflets and such adorned the walls, As my eyes met up with the paraphernalia I started to notice the subject lines of the said pamphlets.

Subjects such as Has your partner been unfaithful? Suffering from the effects of an Affair? etc…
It is a relationship counselling service, so of course one would expect them to have literature on such subjects, for me though each and every one of them popped out as though to taunt me, then I burst into tears.

It wasn’t long before the counsellor popped her head around the corner, assumed it was me as I was alone and we headed towards another room.

This is where the roller coaster of torment, emotions and hap hazard babbling began.
It is not that the counsellor made me feel uneasy or that I felt ashamed of being there but letting it all out made my chest hurt, and my breath became irate and obtrusive.

She calmly passed me a tissue from a nearby box and patiently awaited my conformity.
After I got myself together she began to ask me a series of questions some of which where extremely painful to think about not alone answer.

Because of my pharmaceutical addiction, previous violent behaviour, our relationship problems, death in the family and the fact we had been evicted from a home recently she suggested that to treat me for relationship counselling I must first or as well as have psychodynamic therapy, this requires me to see a GP and get refereed, hopefully my support worker can assist me in arranging this as I really want to make our relationship work but I must address my own mental health issues first and for most if we are to get anywhere.

Shell is going there the same time next week, hopefully she won’t be considered as mad as me so she can get immediate help, I on the other hand am going to have to wait a while on a waiting list of some months before getting any help at all.

Overall it was a tough experience but I did feel some form of peace as I left the building and headed home.
It was worth going, it was my first step, unfortunately for me the next time I get some counselling might be a while, and the counsellor did say I needed assistance to help myself and there is nothing wrong with that.

TTFN, Namaste!

Words are Weapons by Eminem

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Today I was put in touch with Crazy Sexy Fibromyalgia and thought I should share it with you all.

It’s a place where we can all learn to help our selves and help others whilst doing so, enjoy.

Thank you Currie Rose for introducing me to my.crazysexylife.com click it, you know you want to =P

Warning!

Warning: prolonged use of positive thinking may create a permanent positive attitude.

by http://lifechatting.wordpress.com

Thank you!

Having daily dialogue and giving daily compliments to your spouse

Having daily dialogue and giving daily compliments to your spouse.

My partner and I just don’t seem to talk any more – it feels as if we’ve drifted apart

Common Problems

My partner and I just don’t seem to talk any more – it feels as if we’ve drifted apart

Communication is at the heart of all relationships. Many couples coming to Relate say that communication breakdown is one of the main reasons they’ve decided to seek counselling. Most couples, after they have had some Relate counselling, report that communication between them has improved.

But what exactly is communication? Communication can be described as ‘the way we connect to other people’. Sounds simple, doesn’t it? It is in fact a very complicated process which most of us never deliberately learn – we just do it. The way we communicate or connect with others, can have a major impact on our lives and that’s why Relate thinks it is so important, not only in couple relationships but in ALL our other relationships too.

What is good communication?

Good communication can be described as a dance between two people. There’s a place for you to dance together, the music sets the scene, you both sense the rhythm, take it in turns ‘to do your thing’, follow or take the lead, you do it together, it gives you both pleasure and has a purpose. If you are reasonably good at it, it should be a satisfying experience.

Maybe, we wouldn’t all feel the same about this dance. Perhaps the setting is wrong, it’s not your kind of music, you’ve never really liked making an exhibition of yourself dancing, etc. However, if you can hang on to the idea of making the time, creating the right environment, sharing the experience, balancing the inputs, and moving together whilst doing different things, this could be a useful way of looking at the way you and your partner communicate.

How do I know if I’m a good communicator?

  • You could ask a friend to tell you how they find conversations with you.
  • Are you a good listener? Do you wait until the other person has finished what they’ve got to say before you chime in? Do you acknowledge what they have said?
  • Do you find it important to make time to have a conversation?
  • Do you make sure you understand fully what has been said? Do you check out what you think you’ve heard with the person speaking?
  • Does your own view of the subject colour what has been said to you?
  • Do you relay your story in an interesting and informative way, sharing your feelings about the topic, or do you just give the bare facts?
  • Can you stay with what the other person is saying to you without interrupting, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable?

These questions may help you to get an idea of how you communicate.

How can I improve communication with my partner?

Set aside time to talk when you will not be interrupted. Take it in turns to have air time – some people find setting a timer for five minutes, one speaking whilst the other listens, then reversing the process, can create a space for each to talk without interruption. Tell your partner how you felt, feel or will be feeling about something without blaming them. This can be tricky but it is a very useful way of owning your feelings. Plan to go together somewhere which provides an environment you both find relaxing e.g. a walk in the park, a drink at a pub or a coffee when you’re shopping etc. Don’t be surprised if there isn’t an improvement straight away – you wouldn’t expect to dance the salsa after only one attempt would you?

If you think you need to improve your conversations, these tips might be useful. If you’re still having problems communicating as a couple, then do go to Relate where you can find support in learning to talk to each other in a more relaxed, effective, way.

How Relate can help:

Repost from http://www.relate.org.uk/common-problem-details/186/index.html

A book that can help is How to Stay Together Forever: How to Make Your Relationship Work and Keep It Working! by Julia Cole.

Cover of "How to Stay Together Forever"

Cover of How to Stay Together Forever

 

Day Fortytwo:

I awoke this morning and Shell made me a mocha, we had a little light-hearted chat about the affair and baby dates as we held each others hands.

These conversations still fill me with anxt and pain, at least that is easing over time, looking at her so radiantly pregnant and glowing with life erased those demons from my mind and filled me with love and joy.

I had a little cry to myself then pulled my self together, Shell hugged me, looked right at me and told me she truly loved me and that she was sorry for hurting me so deeply, I cried some more, looked deep into her eyes, almost wanten, told her that I loved her and smiled sweetly.

We hugged for a while and just stared into each others eyes, It amazes me that after everything we have been through over the last seventeen years, half of my life almost, that we still love each other so dearly, so passionately.

I do not think that love is something we should try to understand, just feel. trying to understand love makes you ask questions like, Why do they love me? Why am I special? Who would want to love me anyway?

If you feel love, do not try to question or analysis it, just feel it, share it with your significant other, a friend or even a stranger; just a simple smile as you pass on by and go about your day.

I spent some time today reading a dads guide to pregnancy as before I have not really bothered to understand the process, as sad as that sounds I do not think I had enough emotional attachment, understanding and maturity.

This time around I am really trying to help Shell get through it both mentally and physically, she is almost forty now and it is about time I made that extra effort she deserves, I can honestly say that having two paths to walk one of hate and resentment and the other of love and light has not been easy, but I know in my heart that the path of love and light is the right one to follow and now I have made my choice the darkness feels distant and not so vociferous.

The landline has been ringing and ringing, I have ignored it as I just want to deal with my own troubles of mind and selfishly ignore everybody else’s just for one day, I sit in the sun absorb the healing light of the universe and heal some.

I have not done my turbo on time again, I think I will have to change that schedule as I seem to have them later in the day, time to get some pain relief (Cannabis), eat something and sit in the sun as yet again it is another absolutely gorgeous day!

13:59

Just realised the time, I have to wake up Shell as my son needs picking up from school, Nan saves the day again by offering to pick him up, thank you nanny, you are so wonderful.

14:24

Shell is making turbos; yippee, I will clean up afterwards, she has really noticed a huge difference drinking juice makes to your life, even after such a short time. Since she quit smoking just over five days ago now she has juiced everyday, her skin looks healthier and she seems to have more body-mind energy as do I, go go juice!

Once the kids are home from school, we hope to take a stroll down to the anti-smoking clinic for our weekly advice meeting.

15:22

I have just spent some time healing by sitting in the sun, I sat on the wooden decking in our garden, I closed my eyes, inhaled a few calm deep breaths, and let everything go from my mind.

Sitting there I could hear the noise and motion of the neighbours, building works, mowing of the lawn, cars and people passing by, it is fantastic how much more aware of the world you are when you just sit and listen.

In a moment of peace and bliss everything become still, I felt at one with nature, the world the universe.

I could still hear the hustle and bustle of life but it had become a distant white noise, I could hear loudly and clearly in my mind the sound of the wind as it brushed past my face, tickling my arms with its gesture, the song of the birds engaging in chatter.

It is moments like this although short that I know that life is love and love is life.

Nan just arrived with my son she picked him up from school bless her, time to make some tea I guess =P

A fellow blogger liked a post of mine and like you do I returned the visit, they had a video on their blog that is an incredible healing tool and extremely inspiring.

Here it is please visit the Alternate Economy blog.

Balanced Emotions

Day Fortyone:

What is with this timeline thing on Facebook, lol, it has reset all my shizzle on my profile so I had to go through it all again, what fun =)

Brilliant day so far again today, sun is shining and the weather has been great this week, Shell, Nan and I took a look at a house today and accepted it so it looks like we will be moving, it’s so exciting for all of us, the kids will get their own room, the kitchen is much bigger ooooh it’s so exciting, finally our own home XD.

It makes you feel all mushy inside.

Had my turbo, went for a short walk outside and did some emotional relaxation.

20:01

Nan has just left the building 😉 love my Nan she is the rock in our lives, she really helps us out when we are in dire need, no questions asked she is always there.

The kids are settling down and I am about to run Shell a bath we have had a productive day, after lasagna for Tea, the kids supped on a mixture of organic yogurt, bananas, orange, strawberry and organic dark chocolate, what a pain in the bum that is to grate with a cheese grater!

Not a lot to say about today, except it has been wonderful.

22:56

Shell and I sat down on the sofa and snuggled whilst we watched Heroes on Netflix, I was late running the bath as she was preoccupied watching the tele.

I ran my self a bath and chilled out to some healing painful emotions and bubbly bath, I do find this terribly calming, relaxing and certainly the thing to do if your suffer with pain, I try to do it daliy.

Shell is now in the bath and looks pregnant bless her, you can see the bump and her breasts are noticeably larger, she radiates at the moment and I love her more for it, she looks so beautiful.

Goodnight!