Back to the Source (Ho’oponopono)

Back to the Source (Ho’oponopono)

English: Managing emotions - Identifying feelings

Say the Source Mantra out loud to your self, The Source healing mantra can evoke emotions that we can deal with in the now by simply using EFT and tapping on meridian points, as I repeat these words I tap on my heart chakra as a way to release.

This is a slightly modified version.

Source Mantra (Repeated out loud to your self whilst tapping over the heart chakra)

I’m sorry,
Please forgive me,
I forgive my self,
I love you,
I love my self,
I thank you,
As I thank my self.

If this resonates with you and feelings and or emotions come up repeat the process whilst continuing to tap on your heart centre.

For more information on source healing please check out the links below for FREE and professional tuition and spiritual guidance.

Reboot your brain uses EFT, binaural audio and cardio vascular dance to energise your centre and reprogram your mind with positive affirmations to music, get your groove on, heal your mind, body and soul.

This free self-healing audio and video includes powerful technologies such as EFT, Qi-Gong, Binaural entrainment sound technology, and the amazingly simple Brain Wave Vibration as discussed in the book Brain Wave Vibration, by IIchi Lee.
For more details visit our sister site http://rebootyourbrain.com.au.

Free Reboot your brain Video and Audio

Source Info:
Please see http://www.sourcehealing.org.au
The apply here link is lower down the page.

Before applying please see the link above.
Source Application:
http://healingcourse.ning.com/?xgi=1OoIXuZbAynvxz

Ho’oponopono meditations
http://www.thereisaway.org/meditation.htm

Last and defiantly not least if you need professional certification as a source healer or other personal consultation please check out
http://crystalki.co.uk run by the fabulous Janine Regan-Sinclair

Love and blessings, just for today do not anger.

Working with Feelings of Jealousy

Working with Feelings of Jealousy

English: Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions

As so often happens for me, a friend’s question (you know who you are!) triggered an opening into new reflections, insights and revelations on a very familiar topic: Jealousy.
And, as so often happens for me … the information that came through seems to be worth sharing here so that others might discern whether it resonates for them.
So, with appreciation and compassion ….One cannot go beyond jealousy without opening to it.In other words: Not judging it. Not avoiding it.
Not denying it.Rather, loving it into the wholeness of your human experience … with compassion.For example: You feel jealousy “rearing its head.” Find the time and space to go off by yourself.
Sit in it. Open to it. Feel it. After a few minutes (or whenever ready) … step back from the dramas it generates.
Notice what you are feeling. Ask yourself: “When have I felt this way before?” and then follow the threads of memory down to where you access the feelings from “times past.”Compare the feelings. Ask yourself, “What is different this time? What is the same? Why do I care? ”Take a few moments to break from process. Breathe. Drink fresh water. Breathe deeper. Then re-approach. Think about the “source” of your present jealousy. Look at the situation and say to yourself:
“I dislike that this is so …”Repeat it with feeling.Then breathe. Re-approach the source. This time say to yourself , “No. I actually love that this is so …” Repeat it with feeling. Do this a few times, alternating between “I dislike this” and “I love this” … until the “witness” in you notices that both statements are true. Because there is a part of you that does love what you “dislike” – and is calling for attention.
Then sit with that part that “loves” the experience of jealousy, and ask yourself: “How does this serve?” In other words, what benefit / value do you derive from experiencing jealousy?
Notice it. Honor it. Own it. Then (and only then) can you decide whether this continues to serve … or is simply a re-enactment of old feelings that, like some ghosts, are simply haunting your consciousness until they believe they have been fully heard and consciously released. This approach is only a device — it may or may not “work” for you. Fundamentally, opening yourself to all the energies and resources of your own Awareness is what brings the shift, the sigh, the relaxation into Grace.Have fun with your own explorations … ;o)

Namasté. ((♥))

via Working with Feelings of Jealousy.

This can be applied to any feelings such as anger, self worth confidence etc.

Day Fiftyseven:

I am a somewhat over emotional person, but with that comes passion enthusiasm and drive.
Until recently though, that drive was stuck in reverse and the gear knob broke.

Recent events of past, force me to reevaluate life, a more positive out look is defiantly forming, as I release my mind to all that cares to notice, I let go of the tournament that often plagues it.

Today has been a roller coaster ride of ups and downs, highs and lows, a sharp sudden stop!
And a wake up call.

Let me explain, today Shell opened up to me, probably due to pressure of my line of questioning.
Finally I get some respite as to why she had the affair in the first place, thank you.

Perhaps now my sleep will be less torrential.

She says that she had lost sight of who I was, who she was, the medication had taken me to a very dark, cold and lonely place, due to her love she walked there with me and got lost in the shadows and begged for a hand to rescue her but none came, she was isolated cold and lonely.

One finally came along from a friend she trusted for many years, she desperately grasped at it, wanting to just be noticed, held, told everything would be okay. He deceitfully tricked her with a web of lies for his own selfish sexual desires. Then dropped her like a stone into a pond of torment, she returns home to her true love to lick his wounds and watch his anguish muster.

She still loved me deeply but we hadn’t talked for months, I was asleep when she was awake and visa versa. Our days, weeks months had been spent in a bitter torment or ignoring each other and the only real closeness was sexual and non trivial chit chat.

Even that had become a chore to us due to my health, she wanted to feel something, anything, she had an affair, I cut myself, I understand now and let go of a huge weight, I feel lighter.

I didn’t feel this way at all she is everything to me, but the place I had been visiting for a very long time bought me so very close to death and nearly cost me my love, losing you is so much worse than dying.

We where both deeply depressed, lost, living each day as it comes.

I had nearly died twice in the last year from prescribed medication overdoses, the pressure of life had torn apart our being, we had lost our selves, our way, blocked by doors of our own doing and life’s consequence.

The year before we had been evicted from our home, our landlady sold our house and during the move Shells Dad passed away, the stress and pressure of it all was killing her inside, she said nothing.
I just hid away and ignored everything and everyone, I wasn’t there to hold her hand, to comfort her.

I was so lost in pain and self torment I never even went to the funeral, its no surprise I lost you my love, looking back it surprises me that you still love me as much as you do.

I feel for you, your heart is aching to and my only concern was with my own.
I am sorry for not considering you and the effects this has had on your feelings.

Her openness and honesty hurt like hell but I must thank her, as after the waterfall of tears I feel confident that our future, is not some imaginary dream, but a real goal we can actually achieve.

Although this post seems filled with gloom and doom its more like simple reminiscence, as last night after making passionate love and caressing each other for many hours Shell, gently stroked my face, turned me towards her, looked deep in my eyes and asked me to marry her.

Shock horror!

WOW! I am finally going to be a proper husband and not one living out of wedlock.

Eighteen years ago on her birthday the 25th of April I asked her to marry me, she still has the receipt for the ring from the second-hand jewellers shop all this time later.

Since then I have asked her hundreds of times and due to the nature of our relationship, life and her fear of commitment I assume, she has never really taken marriage seriously.

For her to come out with it like that now after all this time means everything to me.

I call her my wife because to me she already is, we even all have the same names so the kids didn’t have different names to the parents.

She now asks that I take her to be my lawfully wedded wife, under the eyes of God.

And I gracefully and ecstatically accepted.

I still had problems with shooting my mouth of today although much less virulent and controlled.
I walked myself upstairs had a bath calmed my self and came back down, my counsellor said that it is suppressed rage and resentment, and is often caused from simply being nice to the person or people whom have hurt you.

She suggested that I need some form of release to let the steam out of the kettle, as at the moment I have no way for it to escape except for via my mouth and this blog.

I know writing this all down is healing me tremendously, God! forbid what I would be like else.

I do, I do, I do.

I will honour and obey you my love.

Day Fiftysix:

I woke up this morning about 8:50 alert and standing fully to attention, so to speak.

I had awoken to a smile as sweat as candy floss.

The day started out sunny, Shell made a massive effort and were not even out of bed yet, don’t give up, it’s working, although you may think otherwise.

As I rolled over completely, Shell stirred, smiled at me and told me she loved me repeatedly, please do this more often my love it’s so meaningful to me, this will make these problems lesson more hastily don’t stop!

We caressed each other for a while , began to kiss softly, we rubbed noses then became entangled.

As I started to make love to her I could feel my self-control gently drifting away.
We made love for half an hour or so before I suddenly stopped without finishing!
Collapsing atop of her, I began snivelling all over her, I gripped her tightly as to never let her go.

A real passion killer I can tell you, I got up lowly, went downstairs then sat on my own crying once again, everyone around me says, move on, let it go, I know, I know, I know…

But in the situation above how do you just move on?

I ended up sexually frustrated, resentful and bitter, it goes without saying that when you’re in an emotional state such as this, you are not the happiest person to be around, it’s not a good idea right now to try and have a civil conversation.

Again something wonderful, sensual and loving gets corrupted by my thoughts, like adverts with volume full, in my face they deliver their message, not with deliberation but cruel intent.

Even kissing you does not feel right, have you changed the way you kiss.
Is that how you kissed him? Or is it me?

I try so hard to just ignore the images and thoughts of deceit in my minds eye, but they keep playing peek a boo with my sub conscious whilst I sleep, day dream and ponder.
They haunt me when we make love, spectre’s spooking me back into reality.

How can I fix this?

The childish emo fits I have succumbed to daily for the last few days are ruining our chances to heal, it is Shell who now resents me, I still sit here, selfishly feeling sorry for my self.

I want to make love to you and feel you like I used to, I need to!

Your more than sexual meat I abuse for my own lustful pleasures, your are my love, my lover, my companion, partner, friend, the mother of our babies, everything about you makes me tingle, I must keep reminding myself of this continuously and never stop.

I don’t know how to begin explaining the complex emotions I am experiencing as I type this out, trying to tell you in words how much I love you is much harder than I imagined it to be.

For some reason my music is out of sync with yours, our rhythm out of time.
I wish the DJ of love would fix the broken beats in my heart and synchronise our rhythms once again

Your body is my body, my soul is your soul, our two hearts beat as one
I know with absolute certainty the rhythm of our hearts will never be out of sync.

I love you.

Page of Rage!

Page of Rage!

Heres a novel idea!

Create a page of words to help better understand the darker side of human emotions.

Perhaps we can avoid some verbal abuse in the real world to, that would be nice.
Wouldn’t it?

Go on read them all, it will give your brain something else to think about instead of that issue you came here to get over?

In fact whilst pondering… Perhaps you might find a word that perfectly describes how you feel, this will empower you to explain yourself more clearly, freeing you from your rage.

Look a couple of words up if your brave!

rage

noun

his rage is due to frustration:
fury, anger, wrath, outrage, indignation, temper, spleen, resentment, pique, annoyance, vexation, displeasure; tantrum, bad mood; literary ire, choler.

the current rage for home improvement:
craze, passion, fashion, taste, trend, vogue, fad,enthusiasm, obsession, compulsion,
fixation, fetish, mania, preoccupation; informal thing.

verb

she raged silently:
be angry, be furious, be enraged, be incensed, seethe, be beside oneself, rave, storm, fume, spit; informal be livid, be wild, foam at the mouth, have a fit, be steamed up.

he raged against the reforms:
protest about, complain about, oppose, denounce; fulminate against, storm about, rail against.

a storm was raging:
thunder, rampage, be violent, be turbulent, be tempestuous.

PHRASES

(all) the rage pocket-size digital cameras are all the rage: popular, fashionable, in fashion, in vogue, the (latest) thing, in great demand, sought after, le dernier cri; informal in, the in thing, cool, big, trendy, red-hot, hip.

Hopefully by now you would have calmed some, rant mode over, right?

Of course you have !

By reading this article you now have a deeper understanding of what  rage is; how you feel about it and why you feel it, this knowledge empowers you and will help you heal from rage.

But always remember words are weapons to!

Then!

And here’s the good bit!

If you have something to say to a person, company, or are fuming with vexation, so angry that blood boils in your vessels, for some other reason and you’re reading this post.

Don’t keep it inside, let it R.I.P

I ‘m talking to you, yes you too.

Welcome to the Page of Rage.

Where you can freely let R.I.P don’t worry we won’t judge, kill or follow you home.
Unless it’s your blog of course and you have something really interesting to say.

If it helps you release the pain and fury by telling us, then it’s fine by me!

Why do this? Give me an example?

I Live with Fibromyalgia, I am recovering from pharmaceutical addiction, my wife has recently had an affair and is pregnant, is it mine?

Sighs! And all within the last two months, phew!

That hurts to type but I do feel better for letting it out, maybe you will to, please be humble.

Writing it all that down then really helped me ease some frustration, you must face your fears not hide from them.

Perhaps the Page of Rage can help you to.

Rules:

No hate or sick stuff please, this for venting not tormenting period…
The idea of this is to release not to spread hate. 

Please be kind, I know it hurts, we do understand, explain how you feel, it will make you all better, I promise.

If you’re really lucky a friendly soul may drop by and hug you better.
A spoon full of literature makes the medicine go down 😉

Breath deeply, take your time, grab the tissues, and get typing.

Peace and loving kindness, Stu, Namaste!

Related articles:

Primal Rage

Primal Rage (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Day Fortynine:

I am really getting behind with my progress but today is back on track XD.

Got up quite late today at around lunchtime, Shell had a private first appointment with a midwife as the topics to be discussed where not things I wanted to hear due to the affair, on a positive note everything is going well thus far although the literature and information Shell came home with from the midwife scared the life out of me.

Apparently due to her age she has a higher chance 1 in 105 of down syndrome and very soon we will be able to scan the baby to make sure everything is okay.

I have had a lots of bad images in my mind today of Shell and Darren, I am reframing them all and they are not hurting anywhere near as much, especially after our conversation we had recently about how used and abused she feels about the way he treated her.

She has not opened up to me before about this and I am pleased that she has, I know it is painful for me to hear her explain how he made her feel, she said that she felt disappointed she thought he was her friend, she felt disgusted, abused and that he is not the person she thought he was, but a person who’s only concerns where his own self pleasure and jealously of what we have.

In a way I wish I had never asked, but Shell has been more peaceful today I think that she really needed to let go of her hate for Darren as he clearly hurt her as well as everyone else purely due to his own selfishness.

Due to the nature of things she has had to have STI, and full blood work tests, results to follow!

I love you Shell with all my heart and soul and thank you for yesterday as we had a perfect day of loving kindness with the family and I look forward to many more of them in the future.

14:30

Shell has left to go back to the doctors as the midwife suggested she have a quick check-up.

16:37

I have just had a turbo and wow that feels good, Shell has been looking after me today as I am feeling low and due to the dank weather my body aches.

I just looked out of the window and noticed the sun rise above the clouds, fantastic I am going to sit in the garden in a while and just relax and be at one with nature.

Shell just got back, I keep bursting into tears today, I am not saying anything hurtful and am keeping the vengeance inside of my mind as after such a perfect day yesterday I do not want to spoil it.

Day Fortythree:

RESENTMENT

Noun

his success led to resentment from critics: bitterness, indignation, irritation, pique, dissatisfaction, disgruntlement, discontentment, discontent, resentfulness, bad feelings, hard feelings, ill will, acrimony, rancor, animosity, jaundice; envy, jealousy

Resentment is often at the heart of conflict. It’s the kind of anger that says, “I don’t deserve this” and “you are wrong.” So it’s not just an emotion; it makes claims about how you think you deserve to be treated, and that someone has not complied with that expectation.

09:30

I was rudely awoken really early this morning by the telephone ringing, it had rung to the point of frustration, to that point where you knew that if you had only got up to answer it; it would have stopped already!

Shell and the kids had left for school it was about 8:30 am the first time it called, it then rang over and over till about 09:30 am, I got up, hobbled down the stairs and answered it to a dial tone.

It rang shortly afterwards it was Shell’s friend whom is undergoing a difficult break up, she wanted to speak with her urgently!

She asked me if she had woken me up, I grumpily replied YES, told her to call her mobile and promptly hung up.

I must admit I do care for Shell’s friend dearly but her relationship problems are causing background stress and problems with ours, this is mainly due to the worry it causes Shell and her friends stress rubs of onto her making Shell stressed out. She has been calling at really inconvenient times, not her fault I know, often in the middle of dinner, a family film, and more frequently interrupting us talking when the kids are asleep.

I couldn’t sleep last night, no nightmares or bad images, but the pain in my spine kept me tossing and turning in anguish, thwarting my rest, I remember looking at the clock on my phone, I keep it under my pillow; it said 04:53 am.

Having only a few hours sleep is not good for a FM sufferer, I am full of Fibro Fog today, my mind feels numb and cloudy and I am having a hard time concentrating on what the hell I am doing, yet alone what I’m saying.

My back hurts and feels like it is twisted, buckled, crushed and trampled, my ankles cause severe discomfort when I put weight on them and I have pins and needles down the left side of my body, emotionally, I am completely drained, my batteries are not depleted they have been completely removed, Apple Menu / Shut Down.

10:26

Shell made an unscheduled trip to the doctors this morning as she had cramps in her belly, she is okay thankfully but my anxt has been increased as the doctor made the conception dates closer to the affair date.

If I am completely honest this news terrorized my emotions and I freaked out, RED ALERT! Shields up!

For the first time since this happened almost six weeks ago, I threw everything in Shells face all at once, please forgive me my love, it pains me to see you cry.

I feel so terrible and bitter, how can I say I love her the way I do and still feel so much pain and resentment?

I know we can fix this, today I feel that it was me that broke a string on our bow of love and not the other way around.

Although it is not my fault what happened, I should not have been so mean and inconsiderate to your feelings today.

Afterwards you smiled at me and said lets start the day again and I am pleased that you think I am worth that, I thank you for being so strong, I am liking this new more positive and affirmative you it suits you beautifully.

Sigh, today I let my brain and my emotions get the better of me, there is no excuse for it what so ever!

Apologising after the fact when you have said some really unthoughtful and hurtful things seems pointless, how ever I did try really hard to explain to Shell how looking at the calendar and figuring out conception dates to date how far she is gone was extremely hard for me to deal with, I found out Shell had the affair on my daughters birthday I only just realised this fact to be the case and Darren had come down that weekend and both of them knew of the occasion.

In addition to this we have received contact from him twice in the last week, and from others chatting malicious chants of upsetting propaganda.

I know I acted harshly and said a lot things I really shouldn’t have, how does one control the tongue’s ravenous tone?

For the first time since this tragedy, I actually lost it, all down to pure resentment, and for that I am truly despondent!

I was not thinking about what I was saying, how much it hurt, or even who was listening, at one point I was crying and ranting to my self on my own in the front room in turmoil, in a tantrum of fear, I wandered around the room crying and dribbling on myself.

I guess there will be days like this and I am thankful that they have been very few and far between, I have counselling tonight with Relate and am going to ask them to concentrate on my emotional outbursts as it is these that are putting pressure on both us and our healing.

Shell’s Mum has been saying she is worried about me, she worries because she feels I am trying to hard, maybe I am but what more can I do?

I have to try harder, clearly as I am still having times where my emotional pain is passing on to others and tormenting them.

13:12

Shell made us both a Turbo and then went to pick up our son from School.

Apart from the turmoil this morning we have had a good day, the sun is shining once again and I am going to sit in it’s healing light and just be still.

I have learnt a very valuable lesson today, that we all must be responsible not only for our actions but also for our words.

15:54

Shell just sent me a text I know she won’t mind me publishing it’s contents.

Shell says:

I love you so very much, you are everything my heart desires, I thank you for staying with me and wish you happiness and joy.

I said:

Namaste my Queen, may the light of our love shine eternal.

17:00

My support worker from YOU has just left and I went through the events of the last month once again, it does not matter how many times I speak about what happened it hurts just the same, I wish I could simply erase it from my mind.

She has known Shell and I for about a year now and was surprised her self at what had happened, there wasn’t any thing really to say or to do except to arrange some things regarding our move and sort out some paperwork.

20:00

Appointment with Relate for my first counselling session!
I’ll write about how that went later, no doubt I will have to traumatise my self again explaining to the counsellor what’s up, but I know that this will help us heal.

21:49

Just got back from my appointment with Relate I had a cry and a chat about it with Shell for about forty five minutes, she is now relaxing in the bath so I have some time to share my first appointment experience.

Wow! that was tough.

I arrived for my first appointment to Relate (Relationship counselling) apprehensive and anxious, I booked in at reception and was greeted with a smile, I was asked to wait in a small waiting room off to the side, it was painted white, and was very clinical, it had half a dozen chairs, I hadn’t noticed at first and thought they was all red, except for the one I was sitting on as it was green in colour, trust me to pick the odd one ^^

Multiple informational brochures, advice leaflets and such adorned the walls, As my eyes met up with the paraphernalia I started to notice the subject lines of the said pamphlets.

Subjects such as Has your partner been unfaithful? Suffering from the effects of an Affair? etc…
It is a relationship counselling service, so of course one would expect them to have literature on such subjects, for me though each and every one of them popped out as though to taunt me, then I burst into tears.

It wasn’t long before the counsellor popped her head around the corner, assumed it was me as I was alone and we headed towards another room.

This is where the roller coaster of torment, emotions and hap hazard babbling began.
It is not that the counsellor made me feel uneasy or that I felt ashamed of being there but letting it all out made my chest hurt, and my breath became irate and obtrusive.

She calmly passed me a tissue from a nearby box and patiently awaited my conformity.
After I got myself together she began to ask me a series of questions some of which where extremely painful to think about not alone answer.

Because of my pharmaceutical addiction, previous violent behaviour, our relationship problems, death in the family and the fact we had been evicted from a home recently she suggested that to treat me for relationship counselling I must first or as well as have psychodynamic therapy, this requires me to see a GP and get refereed, hopefully my support worker can assist me in arranging this as I really want to make our relationship work but I must address my own mental health issues first and for most if we are to get anywhere.

Shell is going there the same time next week, hopefully she won’t be considered as mad as me so she can get immediate help, I on the other hand am going to have to wait a while on a waiting list of some months before getting any help at all.

Overall it was a tough experience but I did feel some form of peace as I left the building and headed home.
It was worth going, it was my first step, unfortunately for me the next time I get some counselling might be a while, and the counsellor did say I needed assistance to help myself and there is nothing wrong with that.

TTFN, Namaste!

Words are Weapons by Eminem

Related articles:

Day Thirtyfive:

Chumbawamba – I Get Knocked Down lyrics

What’s with mornings, I keep waking up feeling so down and isolated, the first thing I knew this morning was that Shell had just got back from the doctors.

She is defiantly pregnant and there is no way at all to tell who’s it is, we can’t DNA test the baby until it is born nice one Darren and Shell you might be new parents of a child, I bet you didn’t think of that whilst your lust succumbed you.

13:00

Karen came over and gave Shell some support she also offered her a cigarette, why do that? She is pregnant? Of course Shell smoked it, sigh, she did get some patches from the doctor and said that was her last one, yeah right.

14:25

Shell has gone to get Brent from school, I had a hissy fit this morning although I tried so hard to stay calm and to some point I did, I kept splurging out crap from my mouth, it seems to run on auto pilot sometimes as I don’t mean what I am saying and haven’t even thought about it, just pure mindless noise spilling from my guts, it is as if the nicer and kinder I am the more shit comes from my mouth, from my unconscious.

I have no idea what to do now, how do I wait nine months to find out if this baby is mine or not?

How do we get past this now?

The only way I can do this is to trust my senses and instructs, they say this baby is mine and a girl, I don’t know how I know, I just feel it.

Every time I doubt it I get a huge image in my mind saying this child is yours and everything will be okay, the light will guide me.

Is this just my mind trying to cope and defend itself  from the massive emotional trauma I am suffering now or damn right foolish denial? It could simply be apart of the healing process I must endure, I am not  bad person I am trying so hard to cope.

We have both booked up counselling and I start first next week, it would be good to just get all this hatred, fear and pain out of my head.

I feel my whole world has fallen into a bottomless pit, as I spin further and further out of control I loose my mind, my spirit my soul.

I have lost most of my so-called friends and have no one I trust, this blog is my only sanctuary to let my emotions loose, this is how I am trying to heal myself as I am all alone and only have my self to talk to and to blame.

Then there is Jade, poor Jade I feel so much for her, I can feel how much this has hurt her and I am staying out-of-the-way for now, I do not want her to hurt anymore than she is, Jade is Shells daughter and I am her Step Dad, I really do not like those words she is my baby to me and always will be.

Shell and I have hurt her so much and caused her to feel jealous and resentful, she is also receiving a lot of hatful words from her Dad towards Shell and despite the fact he may think she is not worth the shit on your shoes it is wrong to say these things to your daughter about their Mum, no wonder Jade is feeling mentally ill when all she needs is love and support and told everything will be okay, not hate, I am sorry Jade that we have caused you so much more pain but please understand that the people around you are also making it worse by filling you with envy and hate by what they have said.

It is also wrong that he keeps thinking it’s okay to send Shell hate mail via Facebook grow up and stop harassing us and Jade, you may think you are protecting her and I honour you for that but stop using your hatred for Shell to hurt Jade.

15:00 The Police just knocked on our door and made me turn down my music the thing that annoys me is the officer and I where talking over the music to each other as I had not even turned it down yet, our new neighbours are not full of loving kindness and clearly are rather selfish people, they have continually banged on my wall the second I put on a single tune, without my music I am lost.

17:17 due to my sadness and damn right depressive nature today I have upset Shell and due to todays post have probably hurt her feelings, I have been selfish today and have only been concerned with my own emotional state, I feel so empty, like a void of nothing skulking in the shadows.

I have failed, I just took 2x Tramodol a while back and feel a lot calmer, the pain in my back has resided some what and I can feel the morphine rushing through my whole body, the Fibro Fog has cleared, but I know that this is temporary and is putting me backwards.
There is only four left and when Shell asked me how many I took in a frenzy of self hate I told her it had nothing to do with her and just sat on the floor and sulked.

I am sorry my love for not being strong enough to cope with all of this, despite what my senses and instincts tell me I am battling my mind and today, in fact he last few days, the doubter, the whiner, the procrastinator, the looser in my head won the race, and I never even heard the starting pistol fire.

I sit alone in the dark and silence waiting for my mind to pacify, as I meditate and calm myself urges to just hurt myself distort my reality.

I pray for forgiveness, I pray for good health, I pray that I am strong enough not to break, not to fall, that my inner loving kindness can shine and blind the darkness, Namaste.

“If you’re going to kill me, at least please tell me why!” Emeli Sandé