No matter what you’ve done

This is dedicated to our eldest daughter, whom since becoming a mother recently has suddenly become a beacon of shining light, an angel in the darkness, a person of honest compassion and loving kindness.

You bring so much joy and happiness to your Mum and I, even at such as distance.
Give baby a huge fluffy snuggle from us, we all miss you all so very much.

She sent me a message today and this came to mind so I wrote it down.

I’m so proud of her.

No matter what you’ve done.

I got a message today, from my daughter.
A memo that showed, all I’d taught her.
She said, spend time with the kids, and soon the baby
My Mum for heavens sakes, love her for ages.

Keep your chin up high, and stop moping.
Or her sister and her brother, would get lowly.
I know she doesn’t wan’t them, growing up.
With all the shit, in the back, of her garbage truck.

She continued to state, that a kiss and hug.
A kind spoken word, was just good enough.
Show a keen interest, in all that they do.
Then just like me, they’ll always love you!

It’s really a wonderful feeling.

When your baby gives advice that’s appealing.

You know that your job is good and done, 

When your child says; I love you Daddy!

No matter what you’ve done.

I got advice passed my way, from my eldest.
It’s not the first time at all, that I’ve heard this.
But coming from you, it makes all the difference.
I put your consultation, on top of my wish list.

I know sometimes what I write, it bothers you.
But sincerely I belay, my apology.
You’ve got your own family, to raise now.
Shouldn’t be worrying about, our break down.

If I could, I would gently rock and wake you.
From this nightmare, give you a hug and cradle.
I’m really very sorry, for the chat I type.
I hope that you forgive me, you made me smile tonight.

It’s really a wonderful feeling.

When your baby gives advice that’s appealing.

You know that your job is good and done, 

When your child says; I love you Daddy!

No matter what you’ve done.

I love you so very much my princess.

By Stuart Otway-Smith Registered & Protected

Something small can make a big difference, like saying I love Mum and Dad

A message from my daughter, love and bless her =)

Something small can make a big difference, like saying I love Mum and Dad

Something small can make a big difference, like saying I love Mum and Dad

Tell someone you love them today sincerely and with all of your heart.
Smile at them.

Happy Birthday Mick – Rest in peace!

It is Shell’s Dad’s birthday today unfortunately he is no longer with us, she posted this picture on my wall of Facebook and I thought I should post it and say some words myself.

Rest in peace Mick we all miss you dearly.

Your gestures, honesty and unique personality have been incorporated into mine. Know that we will always keep apart of you alive in our hearts and within our children part of you lives on.

You never judged anyone and was always there to listen, I am so glad to av nose ya 😉 and thank you for giving me such a wonderful family.

A message from Joe, Shell’s brother.

A Guy’s Guide to Pregnancy in Guy Terms

An image showing the different stages of a 9 month pregnancy and a baby at the end.

An image showing the different stages of a 9 month pregnancy and a baby at the end.

Nine months is a really long time.

This is particularly true when the pregnancy isn’t physically happening inside of your body.

It can be hard to relate to the aches, pains and morning sickness.

Heck for most guys the pregnancy isn’t even very real feeling until the latter months when you can feel the baby from the outside.

This guy’s guide to pregnancy is designed to take you from month to month in this pregnancy calendar showing you fetal development and making suggestions on how to be involved in pregnancy.

Here’s to an amazing nine months!

More…(Page 2)
Follow Mum’s / Mom’s Version

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Day Thirtynine:

I really had a hard time sleeping last night even my emotions audio didn’t calm me as much as I had hoped it would, I held Shell tightly and didn’t let go until she slept, I caressed her face and stroked her hair gently.

Once she was a sleep I got out of bed slowly and headed down stairs, man these stairs suck, I struggle to ascend and descend them every day.

Once down stairs I sat and cried for an hour, switched on my mac and tried to just do something anything, to take my mind of my pain.

I ended up on the Relate website reading, reading and reading some more, this was a very painful experience and has made me extremely tender both physically and emotionally.

I am currently listening to Emeli Sandé My Kind of Love, over and over and have done for about an hour, for some reason I want to be sad, I want to feel pain and want to pity myself.

Am I healing or am I simply tormenting my soul further, I do not know, but either way writing this all down helps me let it all go, the stream of fears torment my inner being and infidelity howls laughter at me whilst I sleep, all I want is to wake up from this nightmare.

On a more positive note I’ve been asked to do a guest post about Fibromyalgia, I have to confess the prospect excites me.

Although I do not consider my self a writer I do enjoy the freedom that words give one to express your inner being, it is not recognition or fame that is wanted but the simple knowledge that your pain helped another heal.

My phone just reminded me that it is 11:00 and time for turbo, after getting this off my chest I feel much better and despite what others may think about publishing your thoughts and feelings I can honestly say that it helps you to release the hurt and pain instead of it encumbering you with ball and chain.

12:11 Darren contacted Shell by email today and said.

why have you told your own daughter you “know” the babys mine?….her own words by the way. Quite a statement to claim when I used a condom…how are you so sure?….stu claims his had sex with you since our big mistake…how are you sure its mine if this is the case?…unless stu is lying, or his using some “mind conditioning technique” or wat ever his desired method is to convince himself otherwise..his a bit duluded if thats the case…..if your so sure its mine, then did you pick the used condom up and put it back inside you? for wat ever sick reason, maybe you think if this baby is mine that I might want to be with you….sorry your very sadly mistaken…last women on earth and all that……your either gonna end up on your own or stuck with stu, either way goodluck with that………….i really hope it isnt mine…the thought turns my stomac to think it could be mine, and the sort of enviroment its going to be brought up in….lets hope for both your sakes its not mine…not sure I could allow the child to grow up around that….however if it isnt mine then obviously I wouldnt give a fuck…id have no rights would i.Any response would be good..if not just have to wait and see wat happends…guess next time u will hear from me will be via my solicitor if the baby turns out to be mine.

Was it all worth it then? Destroying everything, two families, hurting five children? and huge amount of close friends and family.

I guess you really do care about children, not hurting them, and clearly cared so much about Shell to not play the psychological games you accuse me off, I have nothing more to say, his words are so full of hate I never knew him at all as this persona is someone I have never even met.

All I can say in answer to this is you have really shown your true colours and despite the fact that what you write pains both of us it makes us stronger to know that you simply are not worth worrying about, thanks for your kind words and best wishes towards a new life, you have really shown what kind of Human you really are, I hope you find joy in your life, may you be happy truly happy, Loving Kindness Daren, Shell and I forgive you.

We had a good cry and had a hug and now we carry on our day knowing that our love is strong enough to survive and I will support her whom ever the father is.

Darren, May the light of love guide you when your path is shadowed in darkness.

I have to add that Shell has given up smoking and is now on her fourth day she has an inhaler thingy and has used it very occasionally I am so proud of her.

16:20 We had our relatives come over today with their crazy dog, lol it digs the garden up and wee’s every where, and would smash up and eat your entire house given a chance. It is a lovely fluffy husky with beautiful blue eyes, what a troublesome fellow he is though, they had been a bit down as it was his birthday and he felt a little down, we gave them twenty pounds as a birthday pick me up and a pot plant to cheer them up some 😉

Shell and I prepared the kids some salad lunch, tuna and sweetcorn, grapes and cheese; yummy! coleslaw and fresh bread and butter.

We have had a wonderful day regardless of the hate mails, yes we had some more and promptly deleted them.

The kids and Shell have gone for a walk now and that should tire out the kids some, we can watch a movie on Netflix now as the internet is working again it seemed to go down earlier for a while.

Despite the hate mail and sorrow that we are receiving, we love each other dearly and can both honestly say despite the pain, that this situation has made our family closer, stronger and more supportive of each other, we have all sat down and had a good talk on several occasions and we are all going to counselling starting individually from next week.

The kids have been trying real hard at home to keep the house tidied and their Sat scores prove that they are trying harder at school, overall with the excitement of our new home and baby on the way we are all very lucky.

There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt.
Doubt separates people.
It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations.
It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills.

What Beyonce Said: Take Time to Know Yourself

What Beyonce Said: Take Time to Know Yourself.

Day Thirtyfour:

Alicia Keys – Love Is Blind

Got an answer today from the NLP people informing me that I have been accepted on their 2 day scholarship programme, I am eagerly awaiting full confirmation and instructions to get started.

I will travel to London in May for a two day training session, it should be enlightening, entertaining and teach me a lot, I have been tested more than any man could ever dream of lately and am coping remarkably well considering.

Shell and I have a property to look at within walking distance of our current home, we live in private rented accommodation at the moment and this means that will have a more permanent home that we can make ours, unpack the boxes, decorate and settle down.

I have worked on the proposal for The Venus Project and they have had a meeting via team speak on it, I am waiting for the minutes to be typed up and published. I could not make the online conference as I was doing my Daddy bit at the Mother-in-laws.

Shell took a pregnancy test today and it came up positive, although we are both really scared as we are in our 30’s we are tremendously excited about the prospect of having a new member in the family, I said to her a few days ago jokingly I bet your pregnant only to find out that she is.

She also did a digital test that says it is 99% accurate she is pregnant and 92% it was within 14 days, thankfully that takes her past her affair with Darren, she promises they used contraception and I pray that is true because if the child was his it would be an even more fucked up situation than it is now, it will take three months before we can get DNA tests done to confirm anything, but in my heart I am sure it’s a girl and she is mine, my lil Andromeda Hope is what we will name her.

Whatever happens I will stand by her.

Personally I am certain she conceived on our night of light on Day Twentyfour:.

I am having to do some serious re-framing today and positive thinking is the only way I am going to get through the next few months.
We do have to confirm it with the doctors tomorrow, after all the tests are not always right, but after her doing two tests I have to say she is, how exciting!

Going to clean up the kitchen now and set up to make some Turbos as Shell, I and the kids are going to try to have some family time together this evening.

I am going to have to completely quit smoking although I have managed to get rid of all the medications, and haven’t taken any since I began this journey, I have smoked especially over the last few weeks.

I am only on three or four at the most per day and they are mainly cannabis for pain relief, but now Shell is pregnant we will both have to quit and that is that.

Emeli Sande “Maybe (Acoustic)” HD. Angel Studio Session

This is something very very special, Thank you Emeli for singing so beautifully and giving me the inner strength to carry on each and every day that I hear your voice.

it’s currently 04:29 I could not sleep, my mind is quite clear although I am somewhat tearful, listened to Emeli and then watched a two hour NLP video.

Loving Kindness, Loving Kindness, Loving Kindness, Namaste.

Day Thirtythree:

Shell and I got up early and had breakfast together, it was lovely, albeit McDonald’s.
I tried to walk from Dans to her Mums and I made it, took us hours and we had to sit some but I eventually got there
It is Mothering Sunday and we spent most of the day around nanny Marys.

Babies make the world go around, holding Ella really made me feel special I had forgotten how much joy and love such a little thing can bring.