Love your friends the friends you love

In life you come across and meet many different kinds of people,  you might not even meet in the real world, and that is an odd thing because the connection you have with them relies solely on what they say and not what you feel from their body language interaction.

Considering that if I remember correctly about 90% of communication is body language I can only conclude that somehow the very essence of the person can and is transmitted via text, you can feel their sincerity or falseness, their weariness and happiness, even if they simply replied with “Had a good day thanks, u?” via text you can tell, well I can at least how they are feeling, therefore am able to connect with them and truly feel their genuineness.

Every now and again from your perspective at least you just click with someone, you can’t really put it into words or logically comprehend your attraction to their energy simply by commonality of the stuff you both like and do alone.

You may have fun together, even feel sexually attracted to them and I believe that when you feel these things they are, there is an ‘isness’ about feelings that is completely in the present moment and goes much further than words alone, at that moment you are one, an understanding, an inner love for their very being.

You know recently I have been as they call it friend zoned, at first it actually hurt my feelings because I had well still am in love with her.
However she still wanted to remain friends, yeah, yeah we’ve all heard that before haven’t we, but in this case the offer was genuine.

Despite the fact I risk our friendship sometimes because I’m over come with desire our friendship has grown and you know what, I love her even more for it, the more she slowly reveals her self to me the more I reveal my self to her, those moment of I want to know more about you, a curiosity has developed.

They say how can you be lovers if you can’t be friends, listen guys take that seriously, having a good woman in your life as a friend is an absolute blessing, so don’t be stupid enough to let your ego be ignorant enough not to carry on your friendship with her because you may feel rejected, if you do truly love her be with her, she wants to invest her time in you or she wouldn’t be doing so.

You know what there is no better loving feeling than two beings just being in fact relationships of every level require give and take and are seldom perfect, sometimes you are gonna piss each other off, the best people, the ones I love the most are the people who know the real me, love the real me, but still they are surprised by my randomness, humour and intense loving and although they might want to behead me sometimes because to be fair I have fucked up grandiose, I don’t do things by halves you know, at the end of the day we are still there for each other, theres a trust.

“I like friends who have independent minds because they tend to make you see problems from all angles”
Nelson Mandela From an unpublished autobiographical manuscript, written on Robben Island, 1975 ‪#Evolve101‬

At the end of the day other people enhance your life, they don’t make it, do your best to enhance theirs and if your love is not reciprocated, just love them more just for who they are and let them on their journey, what will be will be, however comma!

Love and light Stu.

Rainbow Spirit – Universal Lover – by Fantuzzi

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Day Fifityfive:

Restless sleep makes you really pissed off for the want of better words.

Im’ so tired…

I struggled to make a cup of coffee this morning and dropped my cup on the floor, it smashed to bits, then in a frivolous fury of frustration; I grabbed the coffee jar and slammed it into the floor, the glass shattered in all directions and the brown coffee granules ejected all over the room.

What a mess!

10:38

Shell has been off with me for days, I am really feeling the pressure of trying to be nice on the outside when you’re dying from within.

Maybe there is hope after all, Shell just sent me a text and usually I keep those things private but there are exceptions to the rule right?

She said:

I love you so very much, I feel your pain but don’t know how to take it away or how to comfort you.

I feel you are slipping away from me more each day and that scares me.

I try to hold you, Tell you I love you, I must find another way to bring you back to me.

That bond between us was like a rope that keeps pulling us back together, the rope has worn thin and frayed.

I must strengthen the rope and not let it break like string.

I know you feel our love is held together by cobwebs, but know that cobweb is one of the strongest materials known to us, if we keep puling on the rope together in the same direction we will be able to get closer to each other and tie a knot, rather than tormenting each other in a bitter tug of war.

11:47

I got a very special message from a very special person, no names sorry! They know who they are.

It said: (slightly modified for privacy)

I don’t blame you, I did not mind as I still read everything everyday , it seems like your depression is getting worse and I don’t want that for you. I know what Shell did was wrong and I can only imagine what you are feeling but look how far you have come over the past 16 years, you CAN get through this.

You both need to enjoy each other no matter how much it hurts at the moment.

I know you love Shell very much and I know she does make mistakes, trust me I’ve been through some of them with her too; I have to keep saying, think about the kids! Because it rubs off on them especially at the age they are at, I don’t want them to feel down too.

By what I’ve been told about Shells dates speaking to her, it sounds to me that the baby is defiantly yours, so forget about everything else and shut the world out, you and Shell have a baby on the way and your little family is all that matters now.

Go and hug her even if it hurts you and tell her you love her give her, a little positive note and say that you know that you can get through it.

Then I want you to go and hug the kids and tell them you love them and that your sorry for being down lately and that your going to change that.

You may not think it at the moment but they need you now more than ever trust me.
I don’t know what I would do without my Dad.

Please  just think to the future and not what has happened in the past, remember you can’t change that.

I love you Xxx

I hope you don’t mind me posting that message although modified ever so slightly as you know.

I love you to and thank you for caring and passing me a hand via words that I see with my eyes and feel in my heart.

I will do exactly as you suggest, today more than any other due to the tension it would make the biggest difference and liven up every bodies day, you really are a wonderful person and I am truly grateful and blessed to be apart of your life.

Thank you again for telling me just what I needed to hear, in such a sweet way.

It’s still early enough to finish the day off nicely.

As I finish this sentence the Sun has just yawned out loudly and appears in the garden gently erasing the rain clouds.

20:40

Although I am in a huge amount of pain and lethargy reminds me so, we have had a reasonable day today, it didn’t start to good with my mouth ranting despicable torment for a short while after the coffee incident. Since then we have started to get close again, closer than we have been for some days. I’m pleased for Shells message, a simple use of words to let me know she is hanging on to our relationship, I to will not let it go, I love you far too much to let it hang out to dry.

I guess this is apart of the process of healing from such pain.

22:43

I listen to Red Sky at Night from the album On An Island by David Gilmour and write how I feel.

Why is it every time I go out of my way to be divinely nice, treat Shell with the utmost respect that she deserves, make her happy by going out of my way to really love her, I screw it all up with my mouth?

Phew!

I love you sweetheart, saying that now after what I just said to you makes the words feel dry.

I wish my mouth would just STFU and stay with the loving kindness, I truly feel in my heart and mind.

Why do I seem to have this primal urge to just rant at you randomly in a fit of rage and venom?

Please understand that what I say is a result of the bad images in my mind I do not mean any of it especially about the baby not being mine, what a horrible person I am, how dare I make you feel like that, especially when pregnant.

I want to rip my head off and hammer it to my arse as just as things got better I let rip at Shell making her whimper in tears.

I’m sorry for acting childish and immature, and saying all that rubbish to you and the fact the kids heard my outrage saddens me deeply.

Bad person I feel, Bad person I am, mistakes I have not learned from, but I am just a man.

I love you Shell with every part of my soul, life with you is my destiny, if only I would realise it.

I burned the rope you tossed me before I even had a chance to catch it this evening, please I’m begging you, throw me another one, I promise not to ever let it go.

It was me that caused the resentment and hate tonight not you, you have tried so hard and I thank you with all of my being.

Please forgive me, my love, as now I really need to learn to forgive myself for ventures past and failed memories.

Day Fifty:

11:00

Got up late again today I was up last night really late, Zen you bugger keeping me up chatting all night, hugs, my creative juices where flowing and I banged out a number of pieces all in one night, none where pre written and I have no idea where it all came from, sometimes I surprise my self as the words are deep and meaningful at least to me.

12:40

Ring! Ring! telephone sings!
It is the housing officer to inform us that we are going to be moving into a more permanent house on the 27th of May how thrilling.

14:17

Shell suddenly got up for no apparent reason said nothing and went upstairs I guess she went to lie down I wonder why she didn’t say anything? I do not remember saying or doing anything wrong for days….

Probably nothing to worry about we have had a couple or three perfect days other than me crying now and then.

Except for my poems =/

Sorry if what I write pains you my love, better out than in is all I can say, and that I hope you know I love you so very much.

15:28

Wow I was hungry just cooked my self a bacon sandwich on tiger bread with brown sauce, yum yum, yes I know it’s bad for me but it tastes sooooo good.

17:40

Shell and Nan have gone shopping, with the wonderful news we have had today, it’s really been a blessing.
What a day beautifully brilliant and joyous, thank you to everyone that read my posts, I appreciate your efforts.

You know sometimes you just have to roll the dice, take a chance in life and just say FUCK IT!
If you’re reading this and have something burning inside you and your itching to let it out, in the words of NIKE “just do it!”.
As a dear fellow blogger said to me.

Go with the writing. The right people FOR YOU will stick around. Fear not. Go with it. As time goes on, the fear gets less, very slowly, yes, but then you will learn to be more confident and assertive and those hard feelings, the self-judgment, will dissipate.

Zen

I urge you to do the same, follow your heart, let go of the fear and flow.

TTFN, Stu.

Hablar con ira!

Hablar con ira! (To speak with anger)

Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions

Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Blood boils, steam from it fills the room with mists of rage and vexation.
The silence cuts the mists with blunted scissors.

With displeasure, crossness and indignation he fills with self pity.
Then slowly burns the toxic fumes to comfort him.

She wallows in self hate and sorrow, he is numb from her lack of compassion.
As the mists pacified, regret enters the scene.

She sits alone crying in the cold room, head bashing on the walls of tepid stone.
He wants to comfort her, to caress her, to hold her but time freezes him in place.

The solemn couple dance their prance of condemnation until the rattled cage is opened.

The leafy rubbings the wrong way around upturn.

As hands of bone hold tightly till they shatter, skin flakes like snow fall like glitter to the floor.

She cries, he shouts, she storms out of the door.

The anguish of infidelity feasts on their souls then discards their withered bodies plunging them into the empty void.

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Day Fortythree:

RESENTMENT

Noun

his success led to resentment from critics: bitterness, indignation, irritation, pique, dissatisfaction, disgruntlement, discontentment, discontent, resentfulness, bad feelings, hard feelings, ill will, acrimony, rancor, animosity, jaundice; envy, jealousy

Resentment is often at the heart of conflict. It’s the kind of anger that says, “I don’t deserve this” and “you are wrong.” So it’s not just an emotion; it makes claims about how you think you deserve to be treated, and that someone has not complied with that expectation.

09:30

I was rudely awoken really early this morning by the telephone ringing, it had rung to the point of frustration, to that point where you knew that if you had only got up to answer it; it would have stopped already!

Shell and the kids had left for school it was about 8:30 am the first time it called, it then rang over and over till about 09:30 am, I got up, hobbled down the stairs and answered it to a dial tone.

It rang shortly afterwards it was Shell’s friend whom is undergoing a difficult break up, she wanted to speak with her urgently!

She asked me if she had woken me up, I grumpily replied YES, told her to call her mobile and promptly hung up.

I must admit I do care for Shell’s friend dearly but her relationship problems are causing background stress and problems with ours, this is mainly due to the worry it causes Shell and her friends stress rubs of onto her making Shell stressed out. She has been calling at really inconvenient times, not her fault I know, often in the middle of dinner, a family film, and more frequently interrupting us talking when the kids are asleep.

I couldn’t sleep last night, no nightmares or bad images, but the pain in my spine kept me tossing and turning in anguish, thwarting my rest, I remember looking at the clock on my phone, I keep it under my pillow; it said 04:53 am.

Having only a few hours sleep is not good for a FM sufferer, I am full of Fibro Fog today, my mind feels numb and cloudy and I am having a hard time concentrating on what the hell I am doing, yet alone what I’m saying.

My back hurts and feels like it is twisted, buckled, crushed and trampled, my ankles cause severe discomfort when I put weight on them and I have pins and needles down the left side of my body, emotionally, I am completely drained, my batteries are not depleted they have been completely removed, Apple Menu / Shut Down.

10:26

Shell made an unscheduled trip to the doctors this morning as she had cramps in her belly, she is okay thankfully but my anxt has been increased as the doctor made the conception dates closer to the affair date.

If I am completely honest this news terrorized my emotions and I freaked out, RED ALERT! Shields up!

For the first time since this happened almost six weeks ago, I threw everything in Shells face all at once, please forgive me my love, it pains me to see you cry.

I feel so terrible and bitter, how can I say I love her the way I do and still feel so much pain and resentment?

I know we can fix this, today I feel that it was me that broke a string on our bow of love and not the other way around.

Although it is not my fault what happened, I should not have been so mean and inconsiderate to your feelings today.

Afterwards you smiled at me and said lets start the day again and I am pleased that you think I am worth that, I thank you for being so strong, I am liking this new more positive and affirmative you it suits you beautifully.

Sigh, today I let my brain and my emotions get the better of me, there is no excuse for it what so ever!

Apologising after the fact when you have said some really unthoughtful and hurtful things seems pointless, how ever I did try really hard to explain to Shell how looking at the calendar and figuring out conception dates to date how far she is gone was extremely hard for me to deal with, I found out Shell had the affair on my daughters birthday I only just realised this fact to be the case and Darren had come down that weekend and both of them knew of the occasion.

In addition to this we have received contact from him twice in the last week, and from others chatting malicious chants of upsetting propaganda.

I know I acted harshly and said a lot things I really shouldn’t have, how does one control the tongue’s ravenous tone?

For the first time since this tragedy, I actually lost it, all down to pure resentment, and for that I am truly despondent!

I was not thinking about what I was saying, how much it hurt, or even who was listening, at one point I was crying and ranting to my self on my own in the front room in turmoil, in a tantrum of fear, I wandered around the room crying and dribbling on myself.

I guess there will be days like this and I am thankful that they have been very few and far between, I have counselling tonight with Relate and am going to ask them to concentrate on my emotional outbursts as it is these that are putting pressure on both us and our healing.

Shell’s Mum has been saying she is worried about me, she worries because she feels I am trying to hard, maybe I am but what more can I do?

I have to try harder, clearly as I am still having times where my emotional pain is passing on to others and tormenting them.

13:12

Shell made us both a Turbo and then went to pick up our son from School.

Apart from the turmoil this morning we have had a good day, the sun is shining once again and I am going to sit in it’s healing light and just be still.

I have learnt a very valuable lesson today, that we all must be responsible not only for our actions but also for our words.

15:54

Shell just sent me a text I know she won’t mind me publishing it’s contents.

Shell says:

I love you so very much, you are everything my heart desires, I thank you for staying with me and wish you happiness and joy.

I said:

Namaste my Queen, may the light of our love shine eternal.

17:00

My support worker from YOU has just left and I went through the events of the last month once again, it does not matter how many times I speak about what happened it hurts just the same, I wish I could simply erase it from my mind.

She has known Shell and I for about a year now and was surprised her self at what had happened, there wasn’t any thing really to say or to do except to arrange some things regarding our move and sort out some paperwork.

20:00

Appointment with Relate for my first counselling session!
I’ll write about how that went later, no doubt I will have to traumatise my self again explaining to the counsellor what’s up, but I know that this will help us heal.

21:49

Just got back from my appointment with Relate I had a cry and a chat about it with Shell for about forty five minutes, she is now relaxing in the bath so I have some time to share my first appointment experience.

Wow! that was tough.

I arrived for my first appointment to Relate (Relationship counselling) apprehensive and anxious, I booked in at reception and was greeted with a smile, I was asked to wait in a small waiting room off to the side, it was painted white, and was very clinical, it had half a dozen chairs, I hadn’t noticed at first and thought they was all red, except for the one I was sitting on as it was green in colour, trust me to pick the odd one ^^

Multiple informational brochures, advice leaflets and such adorned the walls, As my eyes met up with the paraphernalia I started to notice the subject lines of the said pamphlets.

Subjects such as Has your partner been unfaithful? Suffering from the effects of an Affair? etc…
It is a relationship counselling service, so of course one would expect them to have literature on such subjects, for me though each and every one of them popped out as though to taunt me, then I burst into tears.

It wasn’t long before the counsellor popped her head around the corner, assumed it was me as I was alone and we headed towards another room.

This is where the roller coaster of torment, emotions and hap hazard babbling began.
It is not that the counsellor made me feel uneasy or that I felt ashamed of being there but letting it all out made my chest hurt, and my breath became irate and obtrusive.

She calmly passed me a tissue from a nearby box and patiently awaited my conformity.
After I got myself together she began to ask me a series of questions some of which where extremely painful to think about not alone answer.

Because of my pharmaceutical addiction, previous violent behaviour, our relationship problems, death in the family and the fact we had been evicted from a home recently she suggested that to treat me for relationship counselling I must first or as well as have psychodynamic therapy, this requires me to see a GP and get refereed, hopefully my support worker can assist me in arranging this as I really want to make our relationship work but I must address my own mental health issues first and for most if we are to get anywhere.

Shell is going there the same time next week, hopefully she won’t be considered as mad as me so she can get immediate help, I on the other hand am going to have to wait a while on a waiting list of some months before getting any help at all.

Overall it was a tough experience but I did feel some form of peace as I left the building and headed home.
It was worth going, it was my first step, unfortunately for me the next time I get some counselling might be a while, and the counsellor did say I needed assistance to help myself and there is nothing wrong with that.

TTFN, Namaste!

Words are Weapons by Eminem

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Day Fortytwo:

I awoke this morning and Shell made me a mocha, we had a little light-hearted chat about the affair and baby dates as we held each others hands.

These conversations still fill me with anxt and pain, at least that is easing over time, looking at her so radiantly pregnant and glowing with life erased those demons from my mind and filled me with love and joy.

I had a little cry to myself then pulled my self together, Shell hugged me, looked right at me and told me she truly loved me and that she was sorry for hurting me so deeply, I cried some more, looked deep into her eyes, almost wanten, told her that I loved her and smiled sweetly.

We hugged for a while and just stared into each others eyes, It amazes me that after everything we have been through over the last seventeen years, half of my life almost, that we still love each other so dearly, so passionately.

I do not think that love is something we should try to understand, just feel. trying to understand love makes you ask questions like, Why do they love me? Why am I special? Who would want to love me anyway?

If you feel love, do not try to question or analysis it, just feel it, share it with your significant other, a friend or even a stranger; just a simple smile as you pass on by and go about your day.

I spent some time today reading a dads guide to pregnancy as before I have not really bothered to understand the process, as sad as that sounds I do not think I had enough emotional attachment, understanding and maturity.

This time around I am really trying to help Shell get through it both mentally and physically, she is almost forty now and it is about time I made that extra effort she deserves, I can honestly say that having two paths to walk one of hate and resentment and the other of love and light has not been easy, but I know in my heart that the path of love and light is the right one to follow and now I have made my choice the darkness feels distant and not so vociferous.

The landline has been ringing and ringing, I have ignored it as I just want to deal with my own troubles of mind and selfishly ignore everybody else’s just for one day, I sit in the sun absorb the healing light of the universe and heal some.

I have not done my turbo on time again, I think I will have to change that schedule as I seem to have them later in the day, time to get some pain relief (Cannabis), eat something and sit in the sun as yet again it is another absolutely gorgeous day!

13:59

Just realised the time, I have to wake up Shell as my son needs picking up from school, Nan saves the day again by offering to pick him up, thank you nanny, you are so wonderful.

14:24

Shell is making turbos; yippee, I will clean up afterwards, she has really noticed a huge difference drinking juice makes to your life, even after such a short time. Since she quit smoking just over five days ago now she has juiced everyday, her skin looks healthier and she seems to have more body-mind energy as do I, go go juice!

Once the kids are home from school, we hope to take a stroll down to the anti-smoking clinic for our weekly advice meeting.

15:22

I have just spent some time healing by sitting in the sun, I sat on the wooden decking in our garden, I closed my eyes, inhaled a few calm deep breaths, and let everything go from my mind.

Sitting there I could hear the noise and motion of the neighbours, building works, mowing of the lawn, cars and people passing by, it is fantastic how much more aware of the world you are when you just sit and listen.

In a moment of peace and bliss everything become still, I felt at one with nature, the world the universe.

I could still hear the hustle and bustle of life but it had become a distant white noise, I could hear loudly and clearly in my mind the sound of the wind as it brushed past my face, tickling my arms with its gesture, the song of the birds engaging in chatter.

It is moments like this although short that I know that life is love and love is life.

Nan just arrived with my son she picked him up from school bless her, time to make some tea I guess =P

A fellow blogger liked a post of mine and like you do I returned the visit, they had a video on their blog that is an incredible healing tool and extremely inspiring.

Here it is please visit the Alternate Economy blog.

Balanced Emotions

Day Fortyone:

What is with this timeline thing on Facebook, lol, it has reset all my shizzle on my profile so I had to go through it all again, what fun =)

Brilliant day so far again today, sun is shining and the weather has been great this week, Shell, Nan and I took a look at a house today and accepted it so it looks like we will be moving, it’s so exciting for all of us, the kids will get their own room, the kitchen is much bigger ooooh it’s so exciting, finally our own home XD.

It makes you feel all mushy inside.

Had my turbo, went for a short walk outside and did some emotional relaxation.

20:01

Nan has just left the building 😉 love my Nan she is the rock in our lives, she really helps us out when we are in dire need, no questions asked she is always there.

The kids are settling down and I am about to run Shell a bath we have had a productive day, after lasagna for Tea, the kids supped on a mixture of organic yogurt, bananas, orange, strawberry and organic dark chocolate, what a pain in the bum that is to grate with a cheese grater!

Not a lot to say about today, except it has been wonderful.

22:56

Shell and I sat down on the sofa and snuggled whilst we watched Heroes on Netflix, I was late running the bath as she was preoccupied watching the tele.

I ran my self a bath and chilled out to some healing painful emotions and bubbly bath, I do find this terribly calming, relaxing and certainly the thing to do if your suffer with pain, I try to do it daliy.

Shell is now in the bath and looks pregnant bless her, you can see the bump and her breasts are noticeably larger, she radiates at the moment and I love her more for it, she looks so beautiful.

Goodnight!

Day Forty:

What a beautiful day it is today, the sun is shining the kids are playing and laughing outside, Shell and I spent most of the morning gently making love, we kissed and held each other for hours, I feel light and fluffy and Shell has a glow about her. Love like ours can not be broken, we really are communicating better these days she is talking to me so much more openly, I have tried so hard for years just to talk to her but failed to properly listen, not anymore.

Although it is early in the day I am certain we are going to have a fantastic day, we both spent some time in the garden, I sat in the sun whilst Shell hung up some washing.

Lunch or should I say Brunch time soon, we are going to have bacon and mushrooms in fresh bread Yum!

14:26

I cooked up the bacon and mushrooms, buttered some french stick then smothered it in Philadelphia, once the bacon and mushroom where slightly browned I placed them atop of the bread, the butter melted down to the plate and yes they where yummy.

17:18

Shell is playing The World of Warcraft, it is good for her to relax and forget about the world for a while, she has been on the go all week, I have tried hard to give her some space and help her as much as I can, I feel I understand her needs much more clearly, although I am still making the same silly mistakes, I will try harder everyday to make our family stronger, safer and happier.

So far today has been really lovely, the kids have been mostly happy and have been playing out for the best part of the day.

I’m going to go out now and smoke something before the sun goes down completely, today has been a blissfully normal and relaxing day, thank you, honey, I love you.

01:56

I realise it is tomorrow but I had to type this out as it’s playing on my mind.

We had a really great day and have had many such days lately, but I seem to keep ruining them at the last moment with inappropriate comments and questions, poor Shell, I gave her the perfect day today and ruined it by causing her painful emotions and feelings by speaking out of turn, I know it is the pain and resentment controlling my tongue but that does not make it okay, I am torturing myself because of my actions as I know what I said really upset her, how do I fix this problem?

I do not mean it, I am not even thinking, it is as if my mouth goes on auto pilot and all my fears and torment come out at once, it feels like my defences are running their own programme.

I have tried to just say how I feel calmly without a raised voice, I have managed to do so for the most part but the pressure of the baby is getting to me and I have started to raise my voice somewhat, I have to try harder, much harder, I do not want to stress the baby.

I am sorry my love for my line of questioning, so many unanswered questions and not enough answers, I need to stop seeking answers to the past and concentrate on the answers to our future, I know I am making you happy each day but just can’t stand it when I am succumbed by emotion and blame and throw it in your face.

I hope that the counselling will help, I am going to try and get them to start with this emotional outburst problem as right now I am handling everything else extremely well considering and know if I can only let go of this pain we can have a wonderful life together.

I am not going to allow the images and thaughts in my mind to control my life, I know I can let them pass with time, I sometimes feel that I am not coping very well at all this is so hard for me to understand, comprehend and deal with.

Thank you my love for supporting me when I am weak and thanking me when I have been strong, I am sorry my pain passes to you so frequently.

I seem to jump from normal to resentful to a heap of tears on the floor, I am sorry for not being strong enough to control how I feel, I promise you everyday I will try harder and I know I am fulfilling that promise within my heart, but must let you know that I love you, always have and always will, till death do us part and beyond.

Light shines in all directions at once.