The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind

The soul always knows what to do the heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind

The soul always knows what to do the heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind

Often we find our selves battling our inner demons, the voices in our mind that torture us with their whining and pity.
Know that this is your voice, you are talking to your self, it is normal, it is okay, try changing those nasty voices in your mind to something more comical like mickey mouse or road runner, meep meep, I am sure if you think of a daft and silly voice to replace the idiots in your mind you to can see the funny side of the darker side of life.

I ask that you take a moment today, to silence the mind.

Sit comfortably

Close your eyes

Just relax

Just be

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Day Fortyone:

What is with this timeline thing on Facebook, lol, it has reset all my shizzle on my profile so I had to go through it all again, what fun =)

Brilliant day so far again today, sun is shining and the weather has been great this week, Shell, Nan and I took a look at a house today and accepted it so it looks like we will be moving, it’s so exciting for all of us, the kids will get their own room, the kitchen is much bigger ooooh it’s so exciting, finally our own home XD.

It makes you feel all mushy inside.

Had my turbo, went for a short walk outside and did some emotional relaxation.

20:01

Nan has just left the building 😉 love my Nan she is the rock in our lives, she really helps us out when we are in dire need, no questions asked she is always there.

The kids are settling down and I am about to run Shell a bath we have had a productive day, after lasagna for Tea, the kids supped on a mixture of organic yogurt, bananas, orange, strawberry and organic dark chocolate, what a pain in the bum that is to grate with a cheese grater!

Not a lot to say about today, except it has been wonderful.

22:56

Shell and I sat down on the sofa and snuggled whilst we watched Heroes on Netflix, I was late running the bath as she was preoccupied watching the tele.

I ran my self a bath and chilled out to some healing painful emotions and bubbly bath, I do find this terribly calming, relaxing and certainly the thing to do if your suffer with pain, I try to do it daliy.

Shell is now in the bath and looks pregnant bless her, you can see the bump and her breasts are noticeably larger, she radiates at the moment and I love her more for it, she looks so beautiful.

Goodnight!

Day Thirtyeight:

The day of Serendipity

serendipity |ˌserənˈdipitē | noun

The occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way:
A fortunate stroke of serendipity | a series of small serendipities.

Today as a fellow blogger puts it is a Pajama day I am absolutely knackerd from the walking I have done this week every muscle in my body exudes pain.

I am not getting dressed today and am going to spend the day chill axing and enjoying music, although I am in  an immense amount of pain I feel calm and still, Shell gave me a back rub earlier and took a lot of the stress and tension from me, I really need her to show me that she loves me now, the images in my mind are withering my soul.

Having a baby should be the happiest time of our lives and I am trying so hard to make it that way, I wish whole heartedly that the baby is mine and although I know the chances are very high that it is, the doubt in my mind is tormenting me and making it very hard to let go off all the pain.

Shell has just washed up and gone to pick up our son from school life goes on.

No turbo or exercise today but I have managed to do my emotions training it does help a lot and I am learning to control my brain, not it control me.

Shell and I had a big argument last night and said a lot of things to each other we really shouldn’t have, I am not going to go into it because it all started form nothing and neither of us where to blame, sometimes shit just happens.

Today we are both much calmer and have got a lot of held back feelings out in the open the truth hurts but once it is out you can heal.

It is a shame that some people still want to see hatred, that is up to them, but I am trying to not only lick my wounds but remember why they are there in the first place, if karma exists I must have acted extremely harshly previously in my life, there is no way out of that.

I do hope the other family involved are doing okay and are coping since they removed me from Facebook I have not been able to read their status updates, perhaps this is a good thing as it hurts to think of anything to do with my situation.

I have spent a lot of hours looking into Sensory Acuity and have been doing exercises to prepare myself for the NLP course in May, keeping focus on this and the baby is what is keeping me strong, we are looking into a private scan to get the conception dates as this will really help all parties involved and allow us to start planning and enjoying our baby.

16:40

We did end up making our turbo’s yippee, and after we had some ryvita and Philadelphia cheese with salad, we both helped each other make and clean everything.

18:35

Shell is now asleep on the sofa, she cleaned the kitchen, I got dressed and we made turbo’s together, my son always wants some, want your kids to eat spinach and celery? drink turbo’s and they will love it.

Before she fell asleep I put on the new David Gilmour album On an Island and gently caressed and kissed her belly, these are the magical moments that will keep us strong, as we clutched each others hands we just closed our eyes and reminisced in the moment.

It is times like this that make both of us know that we can get through this and we are strong enough to fight the demons and follow the path of the light.

19:48

Shell has been a sleep a while now and the house has got dark I have just noticed the time and cooked up some dinner for the kids, only beans and toast as it was late and they had ice cream and bananas for dessert.

Everyones settled down now to a movie on Netflix.

So it’s 00:42 tomorrow if you will, I have spent about an hour or so crying and dribbling on my self the day went great today and almost nothing went wrong, after Shell had a bath I got highly emotional and just burst into tears and stayed that way for about three hours, as I quietly sat on my own in the dark until now feeling sorry for myself.

Loving Kindness, Stu.

Day Thirtyfive:

Chumbawamba – I Get Knocked Down lyrics

What’s with mornings, I keep waking up feeling so down and isolated, the first thing I knew this morning was that Shell had just got back from the doctors.

She is defiantly pregnant and there is no way at all to tell who’s it is, we can’t DNA test the baby until it is born nice one Darren and Shell you might be new parents of a child, I bet you didn’t think of that whilst your lust succumbed you.

13:00

Karen came over and gave Shell some support she also offered her a cigarette, why do that? She is pregnant? Of course Shell smoked it, sigh, she did get some patches from the doctor and said that was her last one, yeah right.

14:25

Shell has gone to get Brent from school, I had a hissy fit this morning although I tried so hard to stay calm and to some point I did, I kept splurging out crap from my mouth, it seems to run on auto pilot sometimes as I don’t mean what I am saying and haven’t even thought about it, just pure mindless noise spilling from my guts, it is as if the nicer and kinder I am the more shit comes from my mouth, from my unconscious.

I have no idea what to do now, how do I wait nine months to find out if this baby is mine or not?

How do we get past this now?

The only way I can do this is to trust my senses and instructs, they say this baby is mine and a girl, I don’t know how I know, I just feel it.

Every time I doubt it I get a huge image in my mind saying this child is yours and everything will be okay, the light will guide me.

Is this just my mind trying to cope and defend itself  from the massive emotional trauma I am suffering now or damn right foolish denial? It could simply be apart of the healing process I must endure, I am not  bad person I am trying so hard to cope.

We have both booked up counselling and I start first next week, it would be good to just get all this hatred, fear and pain out of my head.

I feel my whole world has fallen into a bottomless pit, as I spin further and further out of control I loose my mind, my spirit my soul.

I have lost most of my so-called friends and have no one I trust, this blog is my only sanctuary to let my emotions loose, this is how I am trying to heal myself as I am all alone and only have my self to talk to and to blame.

Then there is Jade, poor Jade I feel so much for her, I can feel how much this has hurt her and I am staying out-of-the-way for now, I do not want her to hurt anymore than she is, Jade is Shells daughter and I am her Step Dad, I really do not like those words she is my baby to me and always will be.

Shell and I have hurt her so much and caused her to feel jealous and resentful, she is also receiving a lot of hatful words from her Dad towards Shell and despite the fact he may think she is not worth the shit on your shoes it is wrong to say these things to your daughter about their Mum, no wonder Jade is feeling mentally ill when all she needs is love and support and told everything will be okay, not hate, I am sorry Jade that we have caused you so much more pain but please understand that the people around you are also making it worse by filling you with envy and hate by what they have said.

It is also wrong that he keeps thinking it’s okay to send Shell hate mail via Facebook grow up and stop harassing us and Jade, you may think you are protecting her and I honour you for that but stop using your hatred for Shell to hurt Jade.

15:00 The Police just knocked on our door and made me turn down my music the thing that annoys me is the officer and I where talking over the music to each other as I had not even turned it down yet, our new neighbours are not full of loving kindness and clearly are rather selfish people, they have continually banged on my wall the second I put on a single tune, without my music I am lost.

17:17 due to my sadness and damn right depressive nature today I have upset Shell and due to todays post have probably hurt her feelings, I have been selfish today and have only been concerned with my own emotional state, I feel so empty, like a void of nothing skulking in the shadows.

I have failed, I just took 2x Tramodol a while back and feel a lot calmer, the pain in my back has resided some what and I can feel the morphine rushing through my whole body, the Fibro Fog has cleared, but I know that this is temporary and is putting me backwards.
There is only four left and when Shell asked me how many I took in a frenzy of self hate I told her it had nothing to do with her and just sat on the floor and sulked.

I am sorry my love for not being strong enough to cope with all of this, despite what my senses and instincts tell me I am battling my mind and today, in fact he last few days, the doubter, the whiner, the procrastinator, the looser in my head won the race, and I never even heard the starting pistol fire.

I sit alone in the dark and silence waiting for my mind to pacify, as I meditate and calm myself urges to just hurt myself distort my reality.

I pray for forgiveness, I pray for good health, I pray that I am strong enough not to break, not to fall, that my inner loving kindness can shine and blind the darkness, Namaste.

“If you’re going to kill me, at least please tell me why!” Emeli Sandé

Before you speak…Think!

Before you speak…Think!

Before you speak...Think!

A wise man makes his own decisions, an ignorant man follows public opinion

A wise man makes his own decisions, an ignorant man follows public opinion!

Curiosity kills boredom, Nothing can kill curiosity

Curiosity kills boredom, Nothing can kill curiosity.

Fibromyalgia Conference up date…. what you are missing if you have not already booked

This is your  last chance to book for the memorable  3rd annual Fibromyalgia Conference & Pamper Weekend, unless you arrive on our doorstep and we find you somewhere to hang out…

 
Hope to  see you at the Folly Pogs  Fibromyalgia Conference  April 6/9 2012 Easter weekend   at Chichester Park Hotel.
 
Great line up of speakers including the Godfather of Fibromyalgia Prof  Yunus and a  Canadian expert on fibro fog– very funny man.  Great comedian  booked too.  Up to the minute debate on benefits with two experts on Friday afternoon  – a real hot potato this  one…  just read inside the attachment  and I think you will sorry not to be part of this  conference. .It is all happening – the best yet.
 
Residential bookings  –   2 folk sharing twin bedroom  £179 per person  for  accommodation,  full board, conference, workshops, exercise & movement, entertainments and barrels of laughter & giggles. At less than £45 a day per person – the cost of a good dinner and wine…great value for money.  Twelve top presentations,  more  than 12 workshops, exercises and movements classes,  Olympic style challenges for fun,l ots of laughter,  talk to like minded people and make new friends – all on aid of research and we all want a cure!
 
The opportunity to make new fibro friends and to speaker one to one to these specialists – virtually a private consultation  at NO COST, what more could you ask for?
 
For him indoors  there is nearby  golf at Goodwood,  Portsmouth  tourist attractions, Submarine Museum, HMS Victory, Sea World, Chichester  Roman Baths,  Chichester Festival Theatre, lovely Cathedral., Planaterium,  you will be spoilt for choice.  In house pool (warm 30 c ) and gym.  We have ordered a heat wave   so it will be great.  Short trip to the seaside.
 
It is an opportunity not to be missed.  Any questions ring me or email Simon Stuart <fibcon2012bookings@gmail.com> – for a booking form  and news of what beds are left.  W are going to  learn a lot and have a lot of fun.
 
 
 
Hope to see you
FH
Jeanne
0844 887 2508
01243 674 447
 

Day Thirty:

Black Eyed Peas – Where Is The Love

That day it all went right!

Wow what a morning, I keep waking up in a somewhat unhappy way, it seems to take me some hours to get my shit together so to speak.

I have a doctors appointment today and am looking forward to going to Costa Coffee with Shell and Amber as she is having a day off school.

Shell made me a Turbo around 11:00 ish and they really help to free your mind.
I am going to concentrate today on the smoking side of things as I have noticed since smoking just one or two cigarets per day that my emotional state is much more quirky, aggressive and frustrated.

It is not only me that has noticed it both Shell and I are a bit more tense due to smoking, both of us have decided for our selves that smoking actually decreases your enthusiasm, increases your tension and stress and damn right stinks.

So today we have to go to the doctors, time to let them know I have not taken my meds for 30 days, I wonder what the response will be.

12:00

Dazza contacted me ouch!

At about 12:00 o’clock Darren contacted me with what he called some closure, there was nothing in what he said that I did not already know but it did take me some time to admit it all to myself and sift through the bullshit.

I copied what he said from in a private Facebook conversation, it was written on a mobile phone and had the tone of anger and resentment.

A lot of, if not all of it is true and describes me as a dark person full of hate and resentment, I am not that man, and although I can’t deny any of what he said, what has happened is know where near as bad as it reads.

Is that me trying to make myself better, think of it as you will, I know what I am, and what I am not, what is written below is defiantly something I am not.

I am not a perfect Human by no means, drugs are bad hmm kay!

This is what he said pasted from a private Facebook message no holds barred the real me right?

Thought id drop a line, not for any other reason than to hopefully maybe give you some sort of closure..seems u need it….i did wat I did for my own reasons and has a result me and simone have parted company..i know in myself wat I did was wrong, and in a way I took the cowards way out..the easy route..i will only live with the regret that I should of had the balls to be honest with simone and myself and my children and the hurt ive caused them..i will never forgive myself for that…i know in time my kids will get past this and come out the other side stronger…the same goes for simone..that girl is one in a million and she will someday find someone who will love and appriciate her in a way I never could.

Has for our friendship, ive been questioning why I was ever your friend in the first place…everything you are goes against the grain…i suppose it was out of pitty and feeling sorry for you…you seem to find reasons for being the way you are because of other factors in your life…weather it shell, your up bring or what ever…when in the real world it all your own doing…i cant think of any reason why someone should have cause to beat there partner, make there kids feel so scared they dare not speak in case dad gets angry..and all the while shell puts up with it and allows them kids to witness your tantrums..dunno whos the sadest between ya both…you seem to find it hard to do things that everyone else does on a daily basis, or rather have to because thats how it is…dont get me wrong I share the same feeling about life has you do, but I dont allow it to effect others around me to the point its detrimental and then blame them others for the situation you put yaself into…then releasing them frustration out on the mrs through physical and mental abuse…all signs of pure guilt.

You seem to need praise for doing things that should be natural to u stu…your insecuritys are so profound your at the point where you could never sustain yourself without the help of others…probly the only real reason youve allowed shell to stick around…lets face with out her your fucked, and its your guilt for the way you treat her too thats also an important factor to why youve allowed her to stay…end of day she has every right to leave u and u have no right to kick her out..what a fucked up situation to be in.

You claim you love her…so why not let her go if thats the case..why?..for the reasons above..all selfish ones…i hope for shells sake and them kids sake she will do something about that one day..but then again shes just has selfish has you, in the sense that if she cant leave you for the sake of them kids then she cant really be thinking of them now can she..i mean who would allow there kids to go throughy that..do u realise wat you do to them on daily basis…no women in there right mind would put up with your bull shit u dish out…i fear you will lose them kids oneday.

Never belive that me and shell was ever gonna run off together..we may have done wat we done, but in my mind I could never see her has a long term partner..mainly for the fact that if she can do it to you, she would do it to me…not up for an untrusting relationship…for me now it will be many years before I even concider setteling down again if at all..i need to find out wat I want from life and who I am first before I get to that stage.

I hope you sort your problems out stu..i really do..but until you find strength to carry yaself and stop relying on others to clear your shit up and pick up the pieces, I fear your will lose those closest to you…its time you took responsability and face the fact that you are where u are because of YOU….

Up to you what you do with this letter…this will be the last time you hear from me…no doubt this wil go on your daily blog to try and make you feel better about yourself, and gain some sort of sympathy,or “inner peace”…..i hold my hands up for wat I did, and im no saint and a cunt for wat ive done to my family, but the end of the day I can say ive been pretty consistant up until now, in looking after my kids, and never abusing simone in the way you have towards shell and your kids….and never taking it out on them for my failings in life.

Good luck to you stu..hope life really turns out for the best…i do fear it wont…hope you prove me wrong for you, shell and most of all them kids.

I did reply to him my full but short and sweet answer was.

Thank you for being honest, I feel your hate and resentment you are absolutely right about me and although I could have been nasty that is not my intention, I thank you for being the only person to be honest to me, if that is honestly how you feel than that is okay. I know I have been a bad person and thanks to you I see it clearly now, not because of this letter but because of the kick in the arse you gave me, for that I thank you.

I hope after righting this you feel better as sharing your feelings about something is what it is all about it, I wish you hadn’t tried to destroy me the way you did as that makes you as bad a person as I, using Shell for your own sexual pleasure abusing her trust and friendship psychologically.

Now you have nothing except your own guilt to contend with and I have had an eye opening experience that has shown me exactly where I was going wrong, I am trying to be a better Human being, I often get it wrong.

Now that I know our friendship was false that allows me to heal some more, Shell and I are stronger than ever and the kids are great, we are all spending much more time together and have been enjoying the simpler things in life.

This is all thanks to you, so do not beat your self up in shame and hate I forgive you.

May your heart be files with genuine loving kindness Darren, I hope your find happiness in your heart, Namaste.14:31

Unfortunately Darren can smile as he managed to get Shell and I a little pissed off, not with each other but with the situation in general, he even Liked my post on Facebook as odd as that is, we have had a really good heart to heart today and I feel that we will make it together, so long as I continue to do what I have been doing over the last month, everything will be alright, I wan’t to look for some kind of work, I have applied as a volunteer for the Venus Project to get some regular routine in my life, and what is better than working on something you love, Humanitarianism and peace.

What he says above is all true although highly exaggerated, I have lived my life with shame and indignity, but that does not mean I am a bad person, I post this not for your pity or sympathy although a hug would be nice, but to share my journey of healing, I do not hate, I am a kind and gentil person whom was consumed with hate and fear, call it excuses call it reasons, I call it simply being lost in the slavery of life.

At about one o’clock Home bid called us, wow we can actually view a property, we are living in temporary rented accommodations and this is the first time we have had a property to view we are all excited as although it is social housing it would be a permanent home.

15:00 Doctors never happened!

17:00 Coffee never happened!

18:00 Shell is cooking the dinner, I think after the day we have a had we will simply snuggle up and watch a film, we have both had a lot to deal with today and after our conversation earlier I know we are strong enough to get though this and move on, I am not the devil or a person of hate, but someone that is tired of the way society lives its life.

I have spent a very long time complaining about it and doing nothing this has led me to live my life with resentment fear and hate.

But this is not who I am, this is not who I was, this is what I allowed the bullshit in life to turn me into.

Namaste, please forgive me!

07 mindfulness of heart mind 

by Leo Ryokan

Day Twentynine:

Whilst you read this post perhaps a listen to this may sooth your mind, just as it has mine.

Started the day badly today, no idea what happened to all my positivity listened to The Eagles Lyin” Eyes and Volbeat Still Counting, maybe not such a good idea but I needed to feel this and let it go, last night whilst setting the alarm, I found a pair or Shell’s black underwear sitting there under the stairs, they just happened to be the culprits of her lust and I freaked out.

I never shouted or got angry just went inside myself and was all quiet, I have not spoken to Shell much today, I am having trouble making love to her, I feel used abused and dirty, like a broken second hand gift, hopefully someone will come and buy me for a few pennies, dust me off, take me home and treasure me, kissing her is not the same anymore, even prostitutes don’t kiss their clients but she kissed another man without any thought, her lips just do not feel the same.

I still have troubles looking into her eyes she lied to my face and I believed her full heartedly.
How can I forgive?  Even looking into her eyes makes me cry, resentment and fear all held in a broken heart.

Trying to forgive and forget is harder than I thought it would be, the turmoil in my mind is like a tormenting tornado, I am inside it spinning around and around I can see the way out but the spinning is stopping me from escaping, I am torn, ripped, my skin bleeds pain from its pores, my eyes bleed tears of blood.

The pain in my body consumes me, I’m lethargic, my mind is numb, when I smile I feel like it will crack and my skin will simply peel off, Shell has no idea how much she has hurt me and I do not think she ever will.

I forgive but forgetting is something that will take time.
I am hurting so much today both psychically and emotionally, Darren clearly didn’t give a fuck about me, he was jealous envious and wanted nothing from me except to destroy me, Shell fell into his trap as she is a whore, a sex addict whom only cares for her own selfish pleasure and lust how do I deal with that?

Clearly today I am deeply depressed considering the amount of happiness I have bought myself I guess I am allowed a sad day now and again, I am trying to get this out of my head so it does not anger me, I do not want to loose control, loose my sanity, loose my self.

Thanks for reading my rants over the last few weeks today I am feeling hurt isolated and all alone.

It’s 11:20 listening to Birdy and Shell has just made me a Turbo, after drinking it I feel better, the juice does not just help your internal digestives, but also helps the mind to be clear, missed out on it yesterday and I think I need to make sure I drink one everyday.

Nan has just arrived to take us all to the opticians we are supposed to be going out for coffee after and visiting the Apple store, but instead I am sulking and ruining it all for everyone, maybe I do not deserve to be happy!

Anyway they have all left without me, I sit alone. listen to sad music and type.

Shell has not read this post yet and I know it will upset her to read it, I do not want to hurt her feelings, make her feel sad or hurt her in anyway at all, I am full of selfish hatred that I am trying so hard to soften, so hard to let it go.

All I want is for someone to love me, hold me, feel me, genuinely care, and to know that when I look into their eyes they will never hurt me.

I love you Shell.

More than the stars in the sky.
More than the molecules in universe.
More than life itself.

It hurts so much to love you, it hurts so much to care.
But as long as I can feel you, I know you’ll always be there.

Sorry for my depressing post today but know this, sharing all of this with y’all has lifted a huge weight from my shoulders and by reading this your helping me heal by sharing your loving kindness and caring with me.

Thank you for caring I can feel all of you and will always have a hug in my heart for all that need it, my shoulder is always there for those who need it to cry on.

I am now going to listen to some Malcolm Huxter to heal my emotions.

Broken Shell

A Broken Shell

13:56 Shell arrived home about an hour ago, came right over to me and hugged me so tight, I really felt her and although the moment was short lived, it really felt special, she turned my face away from the computer and told me she had read my blog and was sorry for making me feel this way, we held each other for what seemed like an eternity but was really just a few minutes.

She went into the kitchen and made me a Turbo a while after drinking it I felt much better within, I know I have had an emo day today it is part of the healing process.

I had forgotten we had left over Chinese and soon had eaten quite a lot.

I know I have hurt you with what i have typed today, that was not my intention my love, but I am pleased that I did write this all down as it has eased my pain tremendously.

We try to carry on the rest of our day, now that I remember what its like to smile at someone whom loves you.

17:00 Shell went to the shops to buy a huge bag of feel good chemicals disguised as food.
I jumped right into the Strawberry Shortcake Häagen Dazs yum!

Although this stuff is bad for you it makes you feel better and as I am still anorexic, I need to eat as much as possible.

After a few spoons of Ice Cream I was done for now, I then hit some chocolate eclairs, argh, slurp, chocolate! nom… nom… nom…

Chocolate is an amazing healing device if you don’t eat too much, Greedy!

Loving Kindness, may all your hearts be filled with genuine compassion and joy, Namaste.

Psychological distress theories

Patrick Carnes (2001, p. 40) argues that when children are growing up, they develop “core beliefs” through the way that their family functions and treats them. A child brought up in a family that takes proper care of them has good chances of growing up well, having faith in other people, and having self worth. On the other hand, a child who grows up in a family that neglects them will develop unhealthy and negative core beliefs. They grow up to believe that people in the world do not care about them. Later in life, the person has trouble keeping stable relationships and feels isolated. Generally, addicts do not perceive themselves as worthwhile human beings (Carnes, Delmonico and Griffin, 2001, p. 40). They cope with these feelings of isolation and weakness by engaging in excessive sex (Poudat, 2005, p. 121).

According to Patrick Carnes the cycle begins with the “Core Beliefs” that sex addicts hold:[30]

  1. “I am basically a bad, unworthy person.”
  2. “No one would love me as I am.”
  3. “My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend on others.”
  4. “Sex is my most important need.”

These beliefs drive the addiction on its progressive and destructive course:[30]

  • Pain agent — First a pain agent is triggered / emotional discomfort (e.g. shame, anger, unresolved conflict). A sex addict is not able to take care of the pain agent in a healthy way.
  • Dissociation — Prior to acting out sexually, the sex addict goes through a period of mental preoccupation or obsession. Sex addict begins to dissociate (moves away from his or her feelings). A separation begins to take place between his or her mind and his or her emotional self.
  • Altered state of consciousness / a trance state / bubble of euphoric fantasized experience — Sex addict is emotionally disconnected and is pre-occupied with acting out behaviours. The reality becomes blocked out/distorted.
  • Preoccupation or “sexual pressure” — This involves obsessing about being sexual or romantic. Fantasy is an obsession that serves in some way to avoid life. The addict’s thoughts focus on reaching a mood-altering high without actually acting-out sexually. They think about sex to produce a trance-like state of arousal to eliminate the pain of reality. Thinking about sex and planning out how to reach orgasm can continue for minutes or hours before they move to the next stage of the cycle.
  • Ritualization or “acting out.” — These obsessions are intensified by ritualization or acting out. Ritualization helps distance reality from sexual obsession. Rituals induce trance and further separate the addict from reality. Once the addict begins the ritual, the chances of stopping that cycle diminish greatly. They give into the pull of the compelling sex act.
  • Sexual compulsivity — The next phase of the cycle is sexual compulsivity or “sex act”. The tensions the addict feels are reduced by acting on their sexual feelings. They feel better for the moment, thanks to the release that occurs. Compulsivity simply means that addicts regularly get to the point where sex becomes inevitable, no matter what the circumstances or the consequences. The compulsive act, which normally ends in orgasm, is perhaps the starkest reminder of the degradation involved in the addiction as the person realizes they are a slave to the addiction.
  • Despair — Almost immediately reality sets in, and the addict begins to feel ashamed. This point of the cycle is a painful place where the Addict has been many, many times. The last time the Addict was at this low point, they probably promised to never do it again. Yet once again, they act out and that leads to despair. They may feel they have betrayed spiritual beliefs, possibly a partner, and his or her own sense of integrity. At a superficial level, the addict hopes that this is the last battle.

According to Carnes, for many addicts, this dark emotion brings on depression and feelings of hopelessness. One easy way to cure feelings of despair is to start obsessing all over again. The cycle then perpetuates itself.[31]

Dr. Carnes mentions that:

Al Cooper (one of the original researchers in internet sex) described internet sex as the ‘crack cocaine’ of sexual addiction because it is an accelerant for adults of all stages of the lifespan. He felt that people would never have the problem if it had not been for the internet.