Day Fortyone:

What is with this timeline thing on Facebook, lol, it has reset all my shizzle on my profile so I had to go through it all again, what fun =)

Brilliant day so far again today, sun is shining and the weather has been great this week, Shell, Nan and I took a look at a house today and accepted it so it looks like we will be moving, it’s so exciting for all of us, the kids will get their own room, the kitchen is much bigger ooooh it’s so exciting, finally our own home XD.

It makes you feel all mushy inside.

Had my turbo, went for a short walk outside and did some emotional relaxation.

20:01

Nan has just left the building ūüėČ love my Nan she is the rock in our lives, she really helps us out when we are in dire need, no questions asked she is always there.

The kids are settling down and I am about to run Shell a bath we have had a productive day, after lasagna for Tea, the kids supped on a mixture of organic yogurt, bananas, orange, strawberry and organic dark chocolate, what a pain in the bum that is to grate with a cheese grater!

Not a lot to say about today, except it has been wonderful.

22:56

Shell and I sat down on the sofa and snuggled whilst we watched Heroes on Netflix, I was late running the bath as she was preoccupied watching the tele.

I ran my self a bath and chilled out to some healing painful emotions and bubbly bath, I do find this terribly calming, relaxing and certainly the thing to do if your suffer with pain, I try to do it daliy.

Shell is now in the bath and looks pregnant bless her, you can see the bump and her breasts are noticeably larger, she radiates at the moment and I love her more for it, she looks so beautiful.

Goodnight!

Day Thirtynine:

I really had a hard time sleeping last night even my emotions audio didn’t calm me as much as I had hoped it would, I held Shell tightly and didn’t let go until she slept, I caressed her face and stroked her hair gently.

Once she was a sleep I got out of bed slowly and headed down stairs, man these stairs suck, I struggle to ascend and descend them every day.

Once down stairs I sat and cried for an hour, switched on my mac and tried to just do something anything, to take my mind of my pain.

I ended up on the Relate website reading, reading and reading some more, this was a very painful experience and has made me extremely tender both physically and emotionally.

I am currently listening to Emeli Sandé My Kind of Love, over and over and have done for about an hour, for some reason I want to be sad, I want to feel pain and want to pity myself.

Am I healing or am I simply tormenting my soul further, I do not know, but either way writing this all down helps me let it all go, the stream of fears torment my inner being and infidelity howls laughter at me whilst I sleep, all I want is to wake up from this nightmare.

On a more positive note I’ve been¬†asked to do a guest post about Fibromyalgia, I have to confess the prospect excites me.

Although I do not consider my self a writer I do enjoy the freedom that words give one to express your inner being, it is not recognition or fame that is wanted but the simple knowledge that your pain helped another heal.

My phone just reminded me that it is 11:00 and time for turbo, after getting this off my chest I feel much better and despite what others may think about publishing your thoughts and feelings I can honestly say that it helps you to release the hurt and pain instead of it encumbering you with ball and chain.

12:11 Darren contacted Shell by email today and said.

why have you told your own daughter you “know” the babys mine?….her own words by the way. Quite a statement to claim when I used a condom…how are you so sure?….stu claims his had sex with you since our big mistake…how are you sure its mine if this is the case?…unless stu is lying, or his using some “mind conditioning technique” or wat ever his desired method is to convince himself otherwise..his a bit duluded if thats the case…..if your so sure its mine, then did you pick the used condom up and put it back inside you? for wat ever sick reason, maybe you think if this baby is mine that I might want to be with you….sorry your very sadly mistaken…last women on earth and all that……your either gonna end up on your own or stuck with stu, either way goodluck with that………….i really hope it isnt mine…the thought turns my stomac to think it could be mine, and the sort of enviroment its going to be brought up in….lets hope for both your sakes its not mine…not sure I could allow the child to grow up around that….however if it isnt mine then obviously I wouldnt give a fuck…id have no rights would i.Any response would be good..if not just have to wait and see wat happends…guess next time u will hear from me will be via my solicitor if the baby turns out to be mine.

Was it all worth it then? Destroying everything, two families, hurting five children? and huge amount of close friends and family.

I guess you really do care about children, not hurting them, and clearly cared so much about Shell to not play the psychological games you accuse me off, I have nothing more to say, his words are so full of hate I never knew him at all as this persona is someone I have never even met.

All I can say in answer to this is you have really shown your true colours and despite the fact that what you write pains both of us it makes us stronger to know that you simply are not worth worrying about, thanks for your kind words and best wishes towards a new life, you have really shown what kind of Human you really are, I hope you find joy in your life, may you be happy truly happy, Loving Kindness Daren, Shell and I forgive you.

We had a good cry and had a hug and now we carry on our day knowing that our love is strong enough to survive and I will support her whom ever the father is.

Darren, May the light of love guide you when your path is shadowed in darkness.

I have to add that Shell has given up smoking and is now on her fourth day she has an inhaler thingy and has used it very occasionally I am so proud of her.

16:20 We had our relatives come over today with their crazy dog, lol it digs the garden up and wee’s every where, and would smash up and eat your entire house given a chance. It is a lovely fluffy husky with beautiful blue eyes, what a troublesome fellow he is though, they had been a bit down as it was his birthday and he felt a little down, we gave them twenty pounds as a birthday pick me up and a pot plant to cheer them up some ūüėČ

Shell and I prepared the kids some salad lunch, tuna and sweetcorn, grapes and cheese; yummy! coleslaw and fresh bread and butter.

19:00
We have had a wonderful day regardless of the hate mails, yes we had some more and promptly deleted them.

The kids and Shell have gone for a walk now and that should tire out the kids some, we can watch a movie on Netflix now as the internet is working again it seemed to go down earlier for a while.

Despite the hate mail and sorrow that we are receiving, we love each other dearly and can both honestly say despite the pain, that this situation has made our family closer, stronger and more supportive of each other, we have all sat down and had a good talk on several occasions and we are all going to counselling starting individually from next week.

The kids have been trying real hard at home to keep the house tidied and their Sat scores prove that they are trying harder at school, overall with the excitement of our new home and baby on the way we are all very lucky.

There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt.
Doubt separates people.
It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations.
It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills.

Day Thirtyeight:

The day of Serendipity

serendipity¬†|ňĆser…ônňądipitńď | noun

The occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way:
A fortunate stroke of serendipity | a series of small serendipities.

Today as a fellow blogger puts it is a Pajama day I am absolutely knackerd from the walking I have done this week every muscle in my body exudes pain.

I am not getting dressed today and am going to spend the day chill axing and enjoying music, although I am in  an immense amount of pain I feel calm and still, Shell gave me a back rub earlier and took a lot of the stress and tension from me, I really need her to show me that she loves me now, the images in my mind are withering my soul.

Having a baby should be the happiest time of our lives and I am trying so hard to make it that way, I wish whole heartedly that the baby is mine and although I know the chances are very high that it is, the doubt in my mind is tormenting me and making it very hard to let go off all the pain.

Shell has just washed up and gone to pick up our son from school life goes on.

No turbo or exercise today but I have managed to do my emotions training it does help a lot and I am learning to control my brain, not it control me.

Shell and I had a big argument last night and said a lot of things to each other we really shouldn’t have, I am not going to go into it because it all started form nothing and neither of us where to blame, sometimes shit just happens.

Today we are both much calmer and have got a lot of held back feelings out in the open the truth hurts but once it is out you can heal.

It is a shame that some people still want to see hatred, that is up to them, but I am trying to not only lick my wounds but remember why they are there in the first place, if karma exists I must have acted extremely harshly previously in my life, there is no way out of that.

I do hope the other family involved are doing okay and are coping since they removed me from Facebook I have not been able to read their status updates, perhaps this is a good thing as it hurts to think of anything to do with my situation.

I have spent a lot of hours looking into Sensory Acuity and have been doing exercises to prepare myself for the NLP course in May, keeping focus on this and the baby is what is keeping me strong, we are looking into a private scan to get the conception dates as this will really help all parties involved and allow us to start planning and enjoying our baby.

16:40

We did end up making our turbo’s yippee, and after we had some ryvita and Philadelphia cheese with salad, we both helped each other make and clean everything.

18:35

Shell is now asleep on the sofa, she cleaned the kitchen, I got dressed and we made turbo’s together, my son always wants some, want your kids to eat spinach and celery? drink turbo’s and they will love it.

Before she fell asleep I put on the new David Gilmour album On an Island and gently caressed and kissed her belly, these are the magical moments that will keep us strong, as we clutched each others hands we just closed our eyes and reminisced in the moment.

It is times like this that make both of us know that we can get through this and we are strong enough to fight the demons and follow the path of the light.

19:48

Shell has been a sleep a while now and the house has got dark I have just noticed the time and cooked up some dinner for the kids, only beans and toast as it was late and they had ice cream and bananas for dessert.

Everyones settled down now to a movie on Netflix.

So it’s 00:42 tomorrow if you will, I have spent about an hour or so crying and dribbling on my self the day went great today and almost nothing went wrong, after Shell had a bath I got highly emotional and just burst into tears and stayed that way for about three hours, as I quietly sat on my own in the dark until now feeling sorry for myself.

Loving Kindness, Stu.

Day Thirtyseven:

Newton Faulkner – People Should Smile More

I awoke this morning aching all over, it took me a good half an hour or so just to get out of bed, I feel somewhat sad today, the world does not seem so full of loving kindness.

Made my self a cup of coffee and smoked for pain relief about an hour after getting up and crawling down the stairs.

Shell was a little late home this morning from taking Brent to school as she bumped into a friend, chatted and missed the bus, she is now home and we are going to make some turbo’s ¬†as we both need the energy, perhaps after we could go for a walk.

Time to get dressed and get on with our day, Shell is peeling limes after dressing, I am going to help her with the juicing =) / washing up!

Facebook is a great way to meet people and communicate via the Internet as a new user to it I have found it overwhelmingly public, it has taken me several weeks to figure it all out, I did a course of Lynda.com and still need to go over some things.

Joining wordpress.com with your Facebook ID automatically adds your ID to your blog and publishes everything to it, I have now found the setting to change this default behaviour, it’s location is under Publicize on the Edit Post screen.

Some people have been giving us a hard time as I am publishing this blog, my sister persuaded me to create it to track my progress as I had quit medications and she thought others may be interested in what I was trying to achieve.

I certainly did not create it as a means to be malicious or cause harm or pain, people do have to actually come here and read it as the Facebook auto posting was only a short summary.

I am going to continue to blog my progress, for my own sanity but will consider others more whilst writing it.

I am in such emotional turmoil that I need to get the darkness out of my mind, better out that in they say. I know for sure that keeping feelings and emotions of this kind locked up within your mind is extremely harmful to your sanity.

I have done my Mastering Your Emotions trance and am about to drink my turbo, so far we are having a perfect day.

I have set my self four tasks to complete for my own health each day.

1. Listen to my emotional trance when I wake in the morning.
2. Drink a Turbo.
3. Listen to the No Smoking CD’s
4. 30 minutes of exercise.

For the last two days I have managed three out of four skipping the exercise.
Once I have these three down and habit formed I will try hard to get that exercise in.

11:07

Shell has persuaded me after our turbo’s to go and have a look at the house around ¬†the corner, that count’s for my exercise for the day and since quitting the medications and juicing almost everyday I am finding it easier to walk short distances.

Weighed my self and have hit the 9 stone mark 58KG, that is one whole stone or about 8KG since starting this journey.

Day Thirtysix:

I didn’t wake up today until about twelve o’clock, just couldn’t sleep last night at all, I got up and spent some time working on the proposal for the venus project, did about an hours meditation, and went to sleep listening to Paul McKenna‘s “Master Your Emotions“.

I awoke feeling rather happy and joyful today, the first thing I remember seeing was Shell’s smiling face, I kissed her and told her I loved her, we hugged a while and went down stairs.

It took me a good hour to get my act together today, the mornings take a good bit of positive mental attitude to push your self past the fatigue and pain but it’s easier for me than taking the Tramodol and becoming a Zombie for the day, how does that help my muscles get stronger?

I am still in an immense amount of pain in my back and shoulders the tingling worsens at night, it might be the case that this could be a normal effect of Fibromyalgia, a fellow Blogger reports similar feelings whilst laying on her back to.

I must confess that I feel great compared to how I was just a month ago the juice is really giving me the energy I need and the super foods are making a massive difference to my well-being and body mind.

I would not recommend stopping medications the way I did to anyone it is dangerous and could cause you some serious harm, but I am now 36 days in and it was worth it for me personally.

I can eat foods without stomach pains, I can use the bathroom regularly and have so much motivation, enthusiasm and energy since stopping pharmaceuticals.

The sun is shining and I feel great after making some turbos, albeit without the avocado as the ones I had went bad =/

Shell has gone to get the kids from school, she seems much happier today I am trying so hard to help out around the house and do as much as possible to comfort her.

I have just looked at the Hotel that the NLP scholarship is held in, wow!
It is lovely, may as well make a night of it, so I have enquired about staying there a few nights =)

Hasta ma√Īana.

A wise man makes his own decisions, an ignorant man follows public opinion

A wise man makes his own decisions, an ignorant man follows public opinion!

Guile

I trust you I hold you but you lie to my face.
You cut my skin from my bones.

The bleeding in my heart drips down to my toes.
The black rose, dies, dries, burns.
The seed of life withers in pain.

My eyes darken as deceit blinds me.
My tongue chastised by hate.
My soul entwined in wires.

The dirty dealings of cunning deceit.
Double-crossed by the trickster.
The cunning dissemblance, the sell out-of-body.

The sharp stab in the back.

By Stuart Otway-Smith

MyFreeCopyright.com Registered & Protected

Day Twentynine:

Whilst you read this post perhaps a listen to this may sooth your mind, just as it has mine.

Started the day badly today, no idea what happened to all my positivity¬†listened to The Eagles Lyin” Eyes and Volbeat Still Counting, maybe not such a good idea but I needed to feel this and let it go, last night whilst setting the alarm, I found a pair or Shell’s black underwear sitting there under the stairs, they just happened to be the culprits of her lust and I freaked out.

I never shouted or got angry just went inside myself and was all quiet, I have not spoken to Shell much today, I am having trouble making love to her, I feel used abused and dirty, like a broken second hand gift, hopefully someone will come and buy me for a few pennies, dust me off, take me home and treasure me, kissing her is not the same anymore, even prostitutes don’t kiss their clients but she kissed another man without any thought, her lips just do not feel the same.

I still have troubles looking into her eyes she lied to my face and I believed her full heartedly.
How can I forgive?  Even looking into her eyes makes me cry, resentment and fear all held in a broken heart.

Trying to forgive and forget is harder than I thought it would be, the turmoil in my mind is like a tormenting tornado, I am inside it spinning around and around I can see the way out but the spinning is stopping me from escaping, I am torn, ripped, my skin bleeds pain from its pores, my eyes bleed tears of blood.

The pain in my body consumes me, I’m lethargic, my mind is numb, when I smile I feel like it will crack and my skin will simply peel off, Shell has no idea how much she has hurt me and I do not think she ever will.

I forgive but forgetting is something that will take time.
I am hurting so much today both psychically and emotionally, Darren clearly didn’t give a fuck about me, he was jealous envious and wanted nothing from me except to destroy me, Shell fell into his trap as she is a whore, a sex addict whom only cares for her own selfish pleasure and lust how do I deal with that?

Clearly today I am deeply depressed considering the amount of happiness I have bought myself I guess I am allowed a sad day now and again, I am trying to get this out of my head so it does not anger me, I do not want to loose control, loose my sanity, loose my self.

Thanks for reading my rants over the last few weeks today I am feeling hurt isolated and all alone.

It’s 11:20 listening to Birdy and Shell has just made me a Turbo, after drinking it I feel better, the juice does not just help your internal digestives, but also helps the mind to be clear, missed out on it yesterday and I think I need to make sure I drink one everyday.

Nan has just arrived to take us all to the opticians we are supposed to be going out for coffee after and visiting the Apple store, but instead I am sulking and ruining it all for everyone, maybe I do not deserve to be happy!

Anyway they have all left without me, I sit alone. listen to sad music and type.

Shell has not read this post yet and I know it will upset her to read it, I do not want to hurt her feelings, make her feel sad or hurt her in anyway at all, I am full of selfish hatred that I am trying so hard to soften, so hard to let it go.

All I want is for someone to love me, hold me, feel me, genuinely care, and to know that when I look into their eyes they will never hurt me.

I love you Shell.

More than the stars in the sky.
More than the molecules in universe.
More than life itself.

It hurts so much to love you, it hurts so much to care.
But as long as I can feel you, I know you’ll always be there.

Sorry for my depressing post today but know this, sharing all of this with y’all has lifted a huge weight from my shoulders and by reading this your helping me heal by sharing your loving kindness and caring with me.

Thank you for caring I can feel all of you and will always have a hug in my heart for all that need it, my shoulder is always there for those who need it to cry on.

I am now going to listen to some Malcolm Huxter to heal my emotions.

Broken Shell

A Broken Shell

13:56 Shell arrived home about an hour ago, came right over to me and hugged me so tight, I really felt her and although the moment was short lived, it really felt special, she turned my face away from the computer and told me she had read my blog and was sorry for making me feel this way, we held each other for what seemed like an eternity but was really just a few minutes.

She went into the kitchen and made me a Turbo a while after drinking it I felt much better within, I know I have had an emo day today it is part of the healing process.

I had forgotten we had left over Chinese and soon had eaten quite a lot.

I know I have hurt you with what i have typed today, that was not my intention my love, but I am pleased that I did write this all down as it has eased my pain tremendously.

We try to carry on the rest of our day, now that I remember what its like to smile at someone whom loves you.

17:00 Shell went to the shops to buy a huge bag of feel good chemicals disguised as food.
I jumped right into the Strawberry Shortcake Häagen Dazs yum!

Although this stuff is bad for you it makes you feel better and as I am still anorexic, I need to eat as much as possible.

After a few spoons of Ice Cream I was done for now, I then hit some chocolate eclairs, argh, slurp, chocolate! nom… nom… nom…

Chocolate is an amazing healing device if you don’t eat too much, Greedy!

Loving Kindness, may all your hearts be filled with genuine compassion and joy, Namaste.

Psychological distress theories

Patrick Carnes (2001, p.¬†40) argues that when children are growing up, they develop ‚Äúcore beliefs‚ÄĚ through the way that their family functions and treats them. A child brought up in a family that takes proper care of them has good chances of growing up well, having faith in other people, and having self worth. On the other hand, a child who grows up in a family that neglects them will develop unhealthy and negative core beliefs. They grow up to believe that people in the world do not care about them. Later in life, the person has trouble keeping stable relationships and feels isolated. Generally, addicts do not perceive themselves as worthwhile human beings (Carnes, Delmonico and Griffin, 2001, p.¬†40). They cope with these feelings of isolation and weakness by engaging in excessive sex (Poudat, 2005, p.¬†121).

According to¬†Patrick Carnes¬†the cycle begins with the “Core Beliefs” that sex addicts hold:[30]

  1. “I am basically a bad, unworthy person.”
  2. “No one would love me as I am.”
  3. “My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend on others.”
  4. “Sex is my most important need.”

These beliefs drive the addiction on its progressive and destructive course:[30]

  • Pain agent¬†‚ÄĒ First a pain agent is triggered / emotional discomfort (e.g. shame, anger, unresolved conflict). A sex addict is not able to take care of the pain agent in a healthy way.
  • Dissociation¬†‚ÄĒ Prior to acting out sexually, the sex addict goes through a period of mental preoccupation or obsession. Sex addict begins to dissociate (moves away from his or her feelings). A separation begins to take place between his or her mind and his or her emotional self.
  • Altered state of consciousness / a trance state / bubble of euphoric fantasized experience¬†‚ÄĒ Sex addict is emotionally disconnected and is pre-occupied with acting out behaviours. The reality becomes blocked out/distorted.
  • Preoccupation or “sexual pressure”¬†‚ÄĒ This involves obsessing about being sexual or romantic. Fantasy is an obsession that serves in some way to avoid life. The addict’s thoughts focus on reaching a mood-altering high without actually acting-out sexually. They think about sex to produce a¬†trance-like state¬†of arousal to eliminate the pain of reality. Thinking about sex and planning out how to reach orgasm can continue for minutes or hours before they move to the next stage of the cycle.
  • Ritualization¬†or “acting out.”¬†‚ÄĒ These obsessions are intensified by ritualization or acting out. Ritualization helps distance reality from sexual obsession. Rituals induce trance and further separate the addict from reality. Once the addict begins the ritual, the chances of stopping that cycle diminish greatly. They give into the pull of the compelling sex act.
  • Sexual compulsivity¬†‚ÄĒ The next phase of the cycle is sexual compulsivity or “sex act”. The tensions the addict feels are reduced by acting on their sexual feelings. They feel better for the moment, thanks to the release that occurs. Compulsivity simply means that addicts regularly get to the point where sex becomes inevitable, no matter what the circumstances or the consequences. The compulsive act, which normally ends in orgasm, is perhaps the starkest reminder of the degradation involved in the addiction as the person realizes they are a¬†slave¬†to the addiction.
  • Despair¬†‚ÄĒ Almost immediately reality sets in, and the addict begins to feel ashamed. This point of the cycle is a painful place where the Addict has been many, many times. The last time the Addict was at this low point, they probably promised to never do it again. Yet once again, they act out and that leads to despair. They may feel they have betrayed¬†spiritual¬†beliefs, possibly a partner, and his or her own sense of integrity. At a superficial level, the addict hopes that this is the last battle.

According to Carnes, for many addicts, this dark emotion brings on depression and feelings of hopelessness. One easy way to cure feelings of despair is to start obsessing all over again. The cycle then perpetuates itself.[31]

Dr. Carnes mentions that:

Al Cooper (one of the original researchers in internet sex) described internet sex as the ‚Äėcrack cocaine‚Äô of sexual addiction because it is an accelerant for adults of all stages of the lifespan. He felt that people would never have the problem if it had not been for the internet.

None of the secrets of success will work unless you do!

None of the secrets of success will work unless you do!

Day Twentyseven II

What happened to a day? Day Twenty seven disappeared.

Something strange happened to the blog I didn’t¬†loose¬†much as regard to what happened with my¬†daily¬†progress but lost a whole post about Horus,¬†ho hum…

Been getting up very early, I have never slept more than three or four hours per night, I struggled to sleep last night I had a cry about the pictures in my mind, I still see Darren hugging Shell and saying goodbye as he left that day, the images are so vivid I can smell her perfume and hear the music that was playing in the background, I really have a huge amount of sensory acuity / imagination and after doing some listening exercises last night that included listening to different people snapping their fingers together whilst you sat with your eyes closed and guessed who did it, I confirmed that.

I must confess that I have really good eyes, I hear things others don’t, see things others ignore and sense ¬†people’s¬†emotions and feelings, it is almost as if hiding your self from me makes it easier for me to read you.

The first few steps I have taken on self-studying NLP are going well and I honestly feel that helping people using my acute sense of perception just might be what I should have done anyway.

Everybody has skills mine are learning quickly adapting to situations, noticing the minutia and building the big picture from it.

I tried some reframing of the bad images and feelings by trying to change the voices to silly ones, turning the pictures black and white and making them smaller and more distant whilst putting something else in that storage area, if you will, it has worked although I did release some tears but I never got caught up in the emotions, just let it go.

Turbo time soon the juicing is still really helping me¬†i¬†can’t believe I never did that sooner, juicing has made me feel more vibrant and alive, I have a lot more brain and mind power and body-mind energy.

Still smoking a few cannabis cigarettes a day, I wish I could ease this neck, shoulder and spine pain, sometimes it drives me nuts, I still have not taken any medication what-so-ever but still feel like I have let my self down with the smoking as little as I am doing it at the moment it still bothers me that I was weak enough to do it.

Shell and I are doing okay I feel that we are healing together, I must admit she has been somewhat down the last few days, I have been up and down self-esteem wise and drop to crying on occasion.

Overall most of the time I can hold it all together and feel good that I am managing to carry on with day to day things and still keep a smile on my face, after all our kids are still with their Mum and Dad and every thing here is continuing on as normal as normal can be.

Got a confirmation via email today from the NLP Scholarship people to say that they have received my application and their board is in the process of reviewing it, ten days waiting time now how exciting!

The Venus Project, Paul McKenna and Richard Bandler are all in Florida, I love Florida not been there now for many years but have visited lots of it and would love to see more, I still have an American Indian Belt made of Buffalo Leather and a Pewter buckle that has the faces of a Cheif and brave adorned upon it, wow that brings back some great old times.

I remember seeing the Challenger go down, yes I was there at Cape Canaveral as she ploughed to the floor rest in peace and we thank you for risking everything in the name of Human evolution.

Time to go back to Florida me thinks, I wonder if The Venus Project needs any game designer volunteers?

It is 20:15 I have spent an hour or so laying on my back doing some mental muscle relaxation techniques, the agony in my shoulder blades is making me angry and frustrated, I had a headache earlier and was very worried it would turn into a migraine, thankfully I managed to calm myself down and lay and relax, I used noting to note my experiences and tried to be at one with the pain, do not change it or try to avoid it, let it be and it will fade.

What I need is physiotherapy and a programme of exercises that can retrain my muscles and strengthen them, I am going to the doctors on Thursday but expect to get know where as the NHS have no idea how to treat Fibromyalgia at all the pain clinics talk to you for a while and prescribe anti depressants, they do not consider a simple nutritional and exercise regime and even if they did the NHS simply does not offer that kind of treatment and only provides plasters.

They are not interested in curing people or preventive medicine, but the amount of profits and taxes that can be collected form pharmaceutical sales.

Loving Kindness, Loving Kindness, Loving Kindness, Namaste