Day Fiftyfour:

I couldn’t sleep last night I kept waking up gasping for breath, every time Shell touches me lately I get a cold chill succumb me, her icy touch has frozen my heart so numb that it no longer feels anything.

We had Chinese finally, well everyone else did, I was not really bothered about it and didn’t order anything, we tried to watch a film together but when Shells hand started to brush my leg I suddenly stood, went across the other side of the room to my computer and sat there in a solum confusion and stooped.

Due to the weather the last few days, I have been in agony, the pain in my legs today has made it extremely hard to move around, harder to use the bathroom as it’s up stairs.

I have been getting rather severe cramps in my legs lasting twenty minutes or so, these cramps come and go randomly, I have toppled over several times today.

Shell and I still are not talking, this has gone beyond a joke now, not only do I feel alone, even in my own house I sit alone in the dark.

Suffering with chronic fatigue today and can’t sleep, I am extremely run down and depressed.
I really can’t be bothered with anything much today, Shell has reduced me to a pittance of a Human wallowing in shallow pits of vile poisons.

Day Fortythree:

RESENTMENT

Noun

his success led to resentment from critics: bitterness, indignation, irritation, pique, dissatisfaction, disgruntlement, discontentment, discontent, resentfulness, bad feelings, hard feelings, ill will, acrimony, rancor, animosity, jaundice; envy, jealousy

Resentment is often at the heart of conflict. It’s the kind of anger that says, “I don’t deserve this” and “you are wrong.” So it’s not just an emotion; it makes claims about how you think you deserve to be treated, and that someone has not complied with that expectation.

09:30

I was rudely awoken really early this morning by the telephone ringing, it had rung to the point of frustration, to that point where you knew that if you had only got up to answer it; it would have stopped already!

Shell and the kids had left for school it was about 8:30 am the first time it called, it then rang over and over till about 09:30 am, I got up, hobbled down the stairs and answered it to a dial tone.

It rang shortly afterwards it was Shell’s friend whom is undergoing a difficult break up, she wanted to speak with her urgently!

She asked me if she had woken me up, I grumpily replied YES, told her to call her mobile and promptly hung up.

I must admit I do care for Shell’s friend dearly but her relationship problems are causing background stress and problems with ours, this is mainly due to the worry it causes Shell and her friends stress rubs of onto her making Shell stressed out. She has been calling at really inconvenient times, not her fault I know, often in the middle of dinner, a family film, and more frequently interrupting us talking when the kids are asleep.

I couldn’t sleep last night, no nightmares or bad images, but the pain in my spine kept me tossing and turning in anguish, thwarting my rest, I remember looking at the clock on my phone, I keep it under my pillow; it said 04:53 am.

Having only a few hours sleep is not good for a FM sufferer, I am full of Fibro Fog today, my mind feels numb and cloudy and I am having a hard time concentrating on what the hell I am doing, yet alone what I’m saying.

My back hurts and feels like it is twisted, buckled, crushed and trampled, my ankles cause severe discomfort when I put weight on them and I have pins and needles down the left side of my body, emotionally, I am completely drained, my batteries are not depleted they have been completely removed, Apple Menu / Shut Down.

10:26

Shell made an unscheduled trip to the doctors this morning as she had cramps in her belly, she is okay thankfully but my anxt has been increased as the doctor made the conception dates closer to the affair date.

If I am completely honest this news terrorized my emotions and I freaked out, RED ALERT! Shields up!

For the first time since this happened almost six weeks ago, I threw everything in Shells face all at once, please forgive me my love, it pains me to see you cry.

I feel so terrible and bitter, how can I say I love her the way I do and still feel so much pain and resentment?

I know we can fix this, today I feel that it was me that broke a string on our bow of love and not the other way around.

Although it is not my fault what happened, I should not have been so mean and inconsiderate to your feelings today.

Afterwards you smiled at me and said lets start the day again and I am pleased that you think I am worth that, I thank you for being so strong, I am liking this new more positive and affirmative you it suits you beautifully.

Sigh, today I let my brain and my emotions get the better of me, there is no excuse for it what so ever!

Apologising after the fact when you have said some really unthoughtful and hurtful things seems pointless, how ever I did try really hard to explain to Shell how looking at the calendar and figuring out conception dates to date how far she is gone was extremely hard for me to deal with, I found out Shell had the affair on my daughters birthday I only just realised this fact to be the case and Darren had come down that weekend and both of them knew of the occasion.

In addition to this we have received contact from him twice in the last week, and from others chatting malicious chants of upsetting propaganda.

I know I acted harshly and said a lot things I really shouldn’t have, how does one control the tongue’s ravenous tone?

For the first time since this tragedy, I actually lost it, all down to pure resentment, and for that I am truly despondent!

I was not thinking about what I was saying, how much it hurt, or even who was listening, at one point I was crying and ranting to my self on my own in the front room in turmoil, in a tantrum of fear, I wandered around the room crying and dribbling on myself.

I guess there will be days like this and I am thankful that they have been very few and far between, I have counselling tonight with Relate and am going to ask them to concentrate on my emotional outbursts as it is these that are putting pressure on both us and our healing.

Shell’s Mum has been saying she is worried about me, she worries because she feels I am trying to hard, maybe I am but what more can I do?

I have to try harder, clearly as I am still having times where my emotional pain is passing on to others and tormenting them.

13:12

Shell made us both a Turbo and then went to pick up our son from School.

Apart from the turmoil this morning we have had a good day, the sun is shining once again and I am going to sit in it’s healing light and just be still.

I have learnt a very valuable lesson today, that we all must be responsible not only for our actions but also for our words.

15:54

Shell just sent me a text I know she won’t mind me publishing it’s contents.

Shell says:

I love you so very much, you are everything my heart desires, I thank you for staying with me and wish you happiness and joy.

I said:

Namaste my Queen, may the light of our love shine eternal.

17:00

My support worker from YOU has just left and I went through the events of the last month once again, it does not matter how many times I speak about what happened it hurts just the same, I wish I could simply erase it from my mind.

She has known Shell and I for about a year now and was surprised her self at what had happened, there wasn’t any thing really to say or to do except to arrange some things regarding our move and sort out some paperwork.

20:00

Appointment with Relate for my first counselling session!
I’ll write about how that went later, no doubt I will have to traumatise my self again explaining to the counsellor what’s up, but I know that this will help us heal.

21:49

Just got back from my appointment with Relate I had a cry and a chat about it with Shell for about forty five minutes, she is now relaxing in the bath so I have some time to share my first appointment experience.

Wow! that was tough.

I arrived for my first appointment to Relate (Relationship counselling) apprehensive and anxious, I booked in at reception and was greeted with a smile, I was asked to wait in a small waiting room off to the side, it was painted white, and was very clinical, it had half a dozen chairs, I hadn’t noticed at first and thought they was all red, except for the one I was sitting on as it was green in colour, trust me to pick the odd one ^^

Multiple informational brochures, advice leaflets and such adorned the walls, As my eyes met up with the paraphernalia I started to notice the subject lines of the said pamphlets.

Subjects such as Has your partner been unfaithful? Suffering from the effects of an Affair? etc…
It is a relationship counselling service, so of course one would expect them to have literature on such subjects, for me though each and every one of them popped out as though to taunt me, then I burst into tears.

It wasn’t long before the counsellor popped her head around the corner, assumed it was me as I was alone and we headed towards another room.

This is where the roller coaster of torment, emotions and hap hazard babbling began.
It is not that the counsellor made me feel uneasy or that I felt ashamed of being there but letting it all out made my chest hurt, and my breath became irate and obtrusive.

She calmly passed me a tissue from a nearby box and patiently awaited my conformity.
After I got myself together she began to ask me a series of questions some of which where extremely painful to think about not alone answer.

Because of my pharmaceutical addiction, previous violent behaviour, our relationship problems, death in the family and the fact we had been evicted from a home recently she suggested that to treat me for relationship counselling I must first or as well as have psychodynamic therapy, this requires me to see a GP and get refereed, hopefully my support worker can assist me in arranging this as I really want to make our relationship work but I must address my own mental health issues first and for most if we are to get anywhere.

Shell is going there the same time next week, hopefully she won’t be considered as mad as me so she can get immediate help, I on the other hand am going to have to wait a while on a waiting list of some months before getting any help at all.

Overall it was a tough experience but I did feel some form of peace as I left the building and headed home.
It was worth going, it was my first step, unfortunately for me the next time I get some counselling might be a while, and the counsellor did say I needed assistance to help myself and there is nothing wrong with that.

TTFN, Namaste!

Words are Weapons by Eminem

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Day Fortytwo:

I awoke this morning and Shell made me a mocha, we had a little light-hearted chat about the affair and baby dates as we held each others hands.

These conversations still fill me with anxt and pain, at least that is easing over time, looking at her so radiantly pregnant and glowing with life erased those demons from my mind and filled me with love and joy.

I had a little cry to myself then pulled my self together, Shell hugged me, looked right at me and told me she truly loved me and that she was sorry for hurting me so deeply, I cried some more, looked deep into her eyes, almost wanten, told her that I loved her and smiled sweetly.

We hugged for a while and just stared into each others eyes, It amazes me that after everything we have been through over the last seventeen years, half of my life almost, that we still love each other so dearly, so passionately.

I do not think that love is something we should try to understand, just feel. trying to understand love makes you ask questions like, Why do they love me? Why am I special? Who would want to love me anyway?

If you feel love, do not try to question or analysis it, just feel it, share it with your significant other, a friend or even a stranger; just a simple smile as you pass on by and go about your day.

I spent some time today reading a dads guide to pregnancy as before I have not really bothered to understand the process, as sad as that sounds I do not think I had enough emotional attachment, understanding and maturity.

This time around I am really trying to help Shell get through it both mentally and physically, she is almost forty now and it is about time I made that extra effort she deserves, I can honestly say that having two paths to walk one of hate and resentment and the other of love and light has not been easy, but I know in my heart that the path of love and light is the right one to follow and now I have made my choice the darkness feels distant and not so vociferous.

The landline has been ringing and ringing, I have ignored it as I just want to deal with my own troubles of mind and selfishly ignore everybody else’s just for one day, I sit in the sun absorb the healing light of the universe and heal some.

I have not done my turbo on time again, I think I will have to change that schedule as I seem to have them later in the day, time to get some pain relief (Cannabis), eat something and sit in the sun as yet again it is another absolutely gorgeous day!

13:59

Just realised the time, I have to wake up Shell as my son needs picking up from school, Nan saves the day again by offering to pick him up, thank you nanny, you are so wonderful.

14:24

Shell is making turbos; yippee, I will clean up afterwards, she has really noticed a huge difference drinking juice makes to your life, even after such a short time. Since she quit smoking just over five days ago now she has juiced everyday, her skin looks healthier and she seems to have more body-mind energy as do I, go go juice!

Once the kids are home from school, we hope to take a stroll down to the anti-smoking clinic for our weekly advice meeting.

15:22

I have just spent some time healing by sitting in the sun, I sat on the wooden decking in our garden, I closed my eyes, inhaled a few calm deep breaths, and let everything go from my mind.

Sitting there I could hear the noise and motion of the neighbours, building works, mowing of the lawn, cars and people passing by, it is fantastic how much more aware of the world you are when you just sit and listen.

In a moment of peace and bliss everything become still, I felt at one with nature, the world the universe.

I could still hear the hustle and bustle of life but it had become a distant white noise, I could hear loudly and clearly in my mind the sound of the wind as it brushed past my face, tickling my arms with its gesture, the song of the birds engaging in chatter.

It is moments like this although short that I know that life is love and love is life.

Nan just arrived with my son she picked him up from school bless her, time to make some tea I guess =P

A fellow blogger liked a post of mine and like you do I returned the visit, they had a video on their blog that is an incredible healing tool and extremely inspiring.

Here it is please visit the Alternate Economy blog.

Balanced Emotions

How TV Ruined Your Life

Television the drug of the nation.

TV has been running our lives for years with fear, millions of us think that this is reality, time to wake up.

We have not had any TV as such in our home for many months now, we do not have an aerial for free view, Virgin lmao well enough said about that, and we have a broken SKY dish on the wall.

Since about six months ago due to some problems with our provider we have not had access to any TV channels unless we use on demand services via the internet on our phones or pc’s, we have found that although we do spend a lot of time on our individual computers when we use the big screen it is more about family time now and it is not just on wasting electricity and impacting the environment.

It is funny just how much time you free up not watching the soaps and the news that are designed to keep us dumbed down and scared.

How TV Ruined Your Life part 1

How TV Ruined Your Life part 2

Free your mind

Free your mind

Day Thirtyeight:

The day of Serendipity

serendipity |ˌserənˈdipitē | noun

The occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way:
A fortunate stroke of serendipity | a series of small serendipities.

Today as a fellow blogger puts it is a Pajama day I am absolutely knackerd from the walking I have done this week every muscle in my body exudes pain.

I am not getting dressed today and am going to spend the day chill axing and enjoying music, although I am in  an immense amount of pain I feel calm and still, Shell gave me a back rub earlier and took a lot of the stress and tension from me, I really need her to show me that she loves me now, the images in my mind are withering my soul.

Having a baby should be the happiest time of our lives and I am trying so hard to make it that way, I wish whole heartedly that the baby is mine and although I know the chances are very high that it is, the doubt in my mind is tormenting me and making it very hard to let go off all the pain.

Shell has just washed up and gone to pick up our son from school life goes on.

No turbo or exercise today but I have managed to do my emotions training it does help a lot and I am learning to control my brain, not it control me.

Shell and I had a big argument last night and said a lot of things to each other we really shouldn’t have, I am not going to go into it because it all started form nothing and neither of us where to blame, sometimes shit just happens.

Today we are both much calmer and have got a lot of held back feelings out in the open the truth hurts but once it is out you can heal.

It is a shame that some people still want to see hatred, that is up to them, but I am trying to not only lick my wounds but remember why they are there in the first place, if karma exists I must have acted extremely harshly previously in my life, there is no way out of that.

I do hope the other family involved are doing okay and are coping since they removed me from Facebook I have not been able to read their status updates, perhaps this is a good thing as it hurts to think of anything to do with my situation.

I have spent a lot of hours looking into Sensory Acuity and have been doing exercises to prepare myself for the NLP course in May, keeping focus on this and the baby is what is keeping me strong, we are looking into a private scan to get the conception dates as this will really help all parties involved and allow us to start planning and enjoying our baby.

16:40

We did end up making our turbo’s yippee, and after we had some ryvita and Philadelphia cheese with salad, we both helped each other make and clean everything.

18:35

Shell is now asleep on the sofa, she cleaned the kitchen, I got dressed and we made turbo’s together, my son always wants some, want your kids to eat spinach and celery? drink turbo’s and they will love it.

Before she fell asleep I put on the new David Gilmour album On an Island and gently caressed and kissed her belly, these are the magical moments that will keep us strong, as we clutched each others hands we just closed our eyes and reminisced in the moment.

It is times like this that make both of us know that we can get through this and we are strong enough to fight the demons and follow the path of the light.

19:48

Shell has been a sleep a while now and the house has got dark I have just noticed the time and cooked up some dinner for the kids, only beans and toast as it was late and they had ice cream and bananas for dessert.

Everyones settled down now to a movie on Netflix.

So it’s 00:42 tomorrow if you will, I have spent about an hour or so crying and dribbling on my self the day went great today and almost nothing went wrong, after Shell had a bath I got highly emotional and just burst into tears and stayed that way for about three hours, as I quietly sat on my own in the dark until now feeling sorry for myself.

Loving Kindness, Stu.

Day Thirtyseven:

Newton Faulkner – People Should Smile More

I awoke this morning aching all over, it took me a good half an hour or so just to get out of bed, I feel somewhat sad today, the world does not seem so full of loving kindness.

Made my self a cup of coffee and smoked for pain relief about an hour after getting up and crawling down the stairs.

Shell was a little late home this morning from taking Brent to school as she bumped into a friend, chatted and missed the bus, she is now home and we are going to make some turbo’s  as we both need the energy, perhaps after we could go for a walk.

Time to get dressed and get on with our day, Shell is peeling limes after dressing, I am going to help her with the juicing =) / washing up!

Facebook is a great way to meet people and communicate via the Internet as a new user to it I have found it overwhelmingly public, it has taken me several weeks to figure it all out, I did a course of Lynda.com and still need to go over some things.

Joining wordpress.com with your Facebook ID automatically adds your ID to your blog and publishes everything to it, I have now found the setting to change this default behaviour, it’s location is under Publicize on the Edit Post screen.

Some people have been giving us a hard time as I am publishing this blog, my sister persuaded me to create it to track my progress as I had quit medications and she thought others may be interested in what I was trying to achieve.

I certainly did not create it as a means to be malicious or cause harm or pain, people do have to actually come here and read it as the Facebook auto posting was only a short summary.

I am going to continue to blog my progress, for my own sanity but will consider others more whilst writing it.

I am in such emotional turmoil that I need to get the darkness out of my mind, better out that in they say. I know for sure that keeping feelings and emotions of this kind locked up within your mind is extremely harmful to your sanity.

I have done my Mastering Your Emotions trance and am about to drink my turbo, so far we are having a perfect day.

I have set my self four tasks to complete for my own health each day.

1. Listen to my emotional trance when I wake in the morning.
2. Drink a Turbo.
3. Listen to the No Smoking CD’s
4. 30 minutes of exercise.

For the last two days I have managed three out of four skipping the exercise.
Once I have these three down and habit formed I will try hard to get that exercise in.

11:07

Shell has persuaded me after our turbo’s to go and have a look at the house around  the corner, that count’s for my exercise for the day and since quitting the medications and juicing almost everyday I am finding it easier to walk short distances.

Weighed my self and have hit the 9 stone mark 58KG, that is one whole stone or about 8KG since starting this journey.

Day Thirtysix:

I didn’t wake up today until about twelve o’clock, just couldn’t sleep last night at all, I got up and spent some time working on the proposal for the venus project, did about an hours meditation, and went to sleep listening to Paul McKenna‘s “Master Your Emotions“.

I awoke feeling rather happy and joyful today, the first thing I remember seeing was Shell’s smiling face, I kissed her and told her I loved her, we hugged a while and went down stairs.

It took me a good hour to get my act together today, the mornings take a good bit of positive mental attitude to push your self past the fatigue and pain but it’s easier for me than taking the Tramodol and becoming a Zombie for the day, how does that help my muscles get stronger?

I am still in an immense amount of pain in my back and shoulders the tingling worsens at night, it might be the case that this could be a normal effect of Fibromyalgia, a fellow Blogger reports similar feelings whilst laying on her back to.

I must confess that I feel great compared to how I was just a month ago the juice is really giving me the energy I need and the super foods are making a massive difference to my well-being and body mind.

I would not recommend stopping medications the way I did to anyone it is dangerous and could cause you some serious harm, but I am now 36 days in and it was worth it for me personally.

I can eat foods without stomach pains, I can use the bathroom regularly and have so much motivation, enthusiasm and energy since stopping pharmaceuticals.

The sun is shining and I feel great after making some turbos, albeit without the avocado as the ones I had went bad =/

Shell has gone to get the kids from school, she seems much happier today I am trying so hard to help out around the house and do as much as possible to comfort her.

I have just looked at the Hotel that the NLP scholarship is held in, wow!
It is lovely, may as well make a night of it, so I have enquired about staying there a few nights =)

Hasta mañana.

Day Thirtyfour:

Alicia Keys – Love Is Blind

Got an answer today from the NLP people informing me that I have been accepted on their 2 day scholarship programme, I am eagerly awaiting full confirmation and instructions to get started.

I will travel to London in May for a two day training session, it should be enlightening, entertaining and teach me a lot, I have been tested more than any man could ever dream of lately and am coping remarkably well considering.

Shell and I have a property to look at within walking distance of our current home, we live in private rented accommodation at the moment and this means that will have a more permanent home that we can make ours, unpack the boxes, decorate and settle down.

I have worked on the proposal for The Venus Project and they have had a meeting via team speak on it, I am waiting for the minutes to be typed up and published. I could not make the online conference as I was doing my Daddy bit at the Mother-in-laws.

Shell took a pregnancy test today and it came up positive, although we are both really scared as we are in our 30’s we are tremendously excited about the prospect of having a new member in the family, I said to her a few days ago jokingly I bet your pregnant only to find out that she is.

She also did a digital test that says it is 99% accurate she is pregnant and 92% it was within 14 days, thankfully that takes her past her affair with Darren, she promises they used contraception and I pray that is true because if the child was his it would be an even more fucked up situation than it is now, it will take three months before we can get DNA tests done to confirm anything, but in my heart I am sure it’s a girl and she is mine, my lil Andromeda Hope is what we will name her.

Whatever happens I will stand by her.

Personally I am certain she conceived on our night of light on Day Twentyfour:.

I am having to do some serious re-framing today and positive thinking is the only way I am going to get through the next few months.
We do have to confirm it with the doctors tomorrow, after all the tests are not always right, but after her doing two tests I have to say she is, how exciting!

Going to clean up the kitchen now and set up to make some Turbos as Shell, I and the kids are going to try to have some family time together this evening.

I am going to have to completely quit smoking although I have managed to get rid of all the medications, and haven’t taken any since I began this journey, I have smoked especially over the last few weeks.

I am only on three or four at the most per day and they are mainly cannabis for pain relief, but now Shell is pregnant we will both have to quit and that is that.

Emeli Sande “Maybe (Acoustic)” HD. Angel Studio Session

This is something very very special, Thank you Emeli for singing so beautifully and giving me the inner strength to carry on each and every day that I hear your voice.

it’s currently 04:29 I could not sleep, my mind is quite clear although I am somewhat tearful, listened to Emeli and then watched a two hour NLP video.

Loving Kindness, Loving Kindness, Loving Kindness, Namaste.

Day Thirtythree:

Shell and I got up early and had breakfast together, it was lovely, albeit McDonald’s.
I tried to walk from Dans to her Mums and I made it, took us hours and we had to sit some but I eventually got there
It is Mothering Sunday and we spent most of the day around nanny Marys.

Babies make the world go around, holding Ella really made me feel special I had forgotten how much joy and love such a little thing can bring.

Guile

I trust you I hold you but you lie to my face.
You cut my skin from my bones.

The bleeding in my heart drips down to my toes.
The black rose, dies, dries, burns.
The seed of life withers in pain.

My eyes darken as deceit blinds me.
My tongue chastised by hate.
My soul entwined in wires.

The dirty dealings of cunning deceit.
Double-crossed by the trickster.
The cunning dissemblance, the sell out-of-body.

The sharp stab in the back.

By Stuart Otway-Smith

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