Even a broken heart, can be broken

English: Broken Heart symbol

 

Even a broken heart, can be broken.
Snapped, like a violin string.
Played with a bow, without knowing.
The words of the song that it sings.
Romance is a word thats not dying.
For clearly I have felt it in my day.
Today I solve a mystery of the Universe.
That love isn’t always both ways.
But love always conquers all.
love always finds a way.
And having witnessed love once again.
I know in my heart it remains.

Stuart Smith 2013 

 

 

 

Another night walking the streets

Belle Isle Conservatory - Detroit, MI

It was 3am again, he awoke in a cold sweat, another nightmare.
The pain in his chest from the heart break never seemed to subside, in fact every night the pain grew stronger.

As his chest tightened, he clutched and gasped as his eyes opened as wide as the sky. It had been a very long time since she had hurt him, yet as each drop of forgiveness fell as tears from his swollen eyes, he knew that only love was the answer and although he had found it in himself he yearned to feel the closeness of a love once past yet never forgotten, he knew that this pain was there to assist him to find his duality and make him grow stronger.

He dressed hastily, still sweating he wipes the tears from his brow, sighs and heads downstairs to walk the walk of solitude that only the night can bring.

Many a night he walks the streets, solum in his slumber, with his head facing the wet pavement he kicks stones as his feet scrape the tarmac, in a lethargic trance, he stumbles pacing slowly with no sense of direction he crawls along the streets once again.

Many hours pass, many footsteps trodden, he walks, he cries, he rips the hair from his head.
As each strand of hair falls in slow motion to the floor, they meet the tears in a dance of quite contemplation.

He knows not where he’s going, he knows not the direction that the wind blows, yet despite the unknown he knows that a new love is on the horizon, he takes comfort in the joy it has brought him thus far as she is the most precious gem he had ever felt, not just in his heart but right to his very soul he knows she is an angel of the light inside and out and that he will always love her even if only from a distance.

He smiles in remembrance of the many times his new love had given him the joy of her company. The joy and love this being of light had freely given him was worth all the previous pain he had endured.

As he wipes away his tears and thinks just of her loving smile, he knows peace in his heart as he has found true love, meaningful love, not just of pleasures of the flesh, as of yet they had not shared their souls and become one physically, but a universal love, that they where connected across time and space and had spent many lives together, they would always find each other, despite his yearning just to hold her, he patiently awaits the day she calls him to her.

This mattered not to him, it didn’t even matter if in this life she wasn’t with him romantically for he was happy just to have found her once again and knew they’d be together once again one day.

It was at this moment the pain from the torturous happenings that had weakened his resolve lifted from his heart and although she may never be by his side, as his lover, his wife, he knew that she would always love him for it was not a new love, but a love that spanned the ages, a love that could not die, for she was a rose in full bloom and he marvelled at her beauty.

Te quiero mucho mi amore.

By Stuart Smith 2013

For Millennia I’ve loved you

Love Love Love
When I am near you, I imagine feeling your breath, gently on my neck.
Kisses flow energy down my spine, I look into your eyes, all is fine.
I am yours and you are mine, forever till the end of time.
Eternally I’m yours, a true love that will endure.

Stars shine deep within your soul, remembrance of a never ending love.
A love so bright and blinding, it can only be felt, as words can not describe it.
Take my hand, walk with me, for our love is timeless.
I wait for thee most precious angel, for our time has come.

Wings sprout from our backs, we fly high, into the clouds.
Without a sound, bodies become one, skin touches, souls are joined.
Many lives have I loved you, I know that your are scared, forever I will wait, just to hold your hands.
Millennia pass, days become weeks, weeks become, years, years become centuries.

Yet I don’t cry tears of missing you, because I know someday, that we will be together once again.
My heart beats only for you, for I am still in love with you, and I know that you are in love with me.
I know this as I feel it, even when your’e not around.
I can hear it in the wind, I love you is its sound.

My heart was locked, not open, there was not even a key.
For you my love, my heart unlocked itself, as it was meant to be.
I open for you butterfly, you’ve flown into my dreams.
Your’e the last thing I think of at night, true love, must be, it seems.

Now we have grown, life has mends, lets not play more pretend.
For we like seeds, will blossom, and never be departed.
I promise that you’ll never, from me, be broken hearted.
To know you is to love you, from the moment we first met.

To kiss and hold you would be, all my dreams come true.
Be my wife, my lover, my friend, lets not hide in fear.
True love holds no bounds, and always perceivers.
So hear my heavenly blessings, for a brand new start.

Star child play with laughter, twin girls, born of love.
Our seeds, most elemental, a joining, moon and sun.
Till the morning, I do hold you, a gentle morning kiss.
It’s these memories, moments, most of all I miss.

Until we are together, I simply sit and wait.
I not need, but do hunger, for love to light the way.
As I caress your gentle face, I know you understand.
That you are my woman, as I am your man.

When we join together, once again and we are one.
United we are stronger, but divided we won’t fall.
There is no risk in loving you, none what so ever, at all.
If you hear me calling, shining you with light.

Then please let me love you, and hold you every night.
For now we count our blessings, for struggles that have passed.
We are ready for each other, as a new day dawns.
Together now forever, our love can be reborn.

By Stuart Smith (© 2013)

 

Sweet, sweet angels

Love ? I love love love you.

Sweet, sweet angels rest your wings, surrounded by love and other good things.
Take a walk, hold my hand, together we will understand, love is life, life is love, it’s obvious just look above.
Float to me my heavenly angel, let me love you, I know I’m able, when you shred a tear and sadness becomes you, I’ll always be here if you want me to hold you.
To gently listen to all you say, to hold and love you in every way.
My angels fly free, set love free within thee, help fix those broken hearts, let them know how to restart.
Lessons learned, cards on the table, loving embrace that will enable.
Freedom of thought, soul and mind, a feeling close not left behind.
Your beauty shines outside and in, with my angels close I soon begin.
To let go of all that’s past, find a place within my heart, for you to be both safe and loved, my wish from angels that fly above.
To me love will never die, with you by my side I’ll always know.
True love not dies but always grows.

© Stuart Otway-Smith 2013

Thanks to Rosi whom inspires me to write, many thanks love and light to you x.

#OtwaySmith

Working with Feelings of Jealousy

Working with Feelings of Jealousy

English: Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions

As so often happens for me, a friend’s question (you know who you are!) triggered an opening into new reflections, insights and revelations on a very familiar topic: Jealousy.
And, as so often happens for me … the information that came through seems to be worth sharing here so that others might discern whether it resonates for them.
So, with appreciation and compassion ….One cannot go beyond jealousy without opening to it.In other words: Not judging it. Not avoiding it.
Not denying it.Rather, loving it into the wholeness of your human experience … with compassion.For example: You feel jealousy “rearing its head.” Find the time and space to go off by yourself.
Sit in it. Open to it. Feel it. After a few minutes (or whenever ready) … step back from the dramas it generates.
Notice what you are feeling. Ask yourself: “When have I felt this way before?” and then follow the threads of memory down to where you access the feelings from “times past.”Compare the feelings. Ask yourself, “What is different this time? What is the same? Why do I care? ”Take a few moments to break from process. Breathe. Drink fresh water. Breathe deeper. Then re-approach. Think about the “source” of your present jealousy. Look at the situation and say to yourself:
“I dislike that this is so …”Repeat it with feeling.Then breathe. Re-approach the source. This time say to yourself , “No. I actually love that this is so …” Repeat it with feeling. Do this a few times, alternating between “I dislike this” and “I love this” … until the “witness” in you notices that both statements are true. Because there is a part of you that does love what you “dislike” – and is calling for attention.
Then sit with that part that “loves” the experience of jealousy, and ask yourself: “How does this serve?” In other words, what benefit / value do you derive from experiencing jealousy?
Notice it. Honor it. Own it. Then (and only then) can you decide whether this continues to serve … or is simply a re-enactment of old feelings that, like some ghosts, are simply haunting your consciousness until they believe they have been fully heard and consciously released. This approach is only a device — it may or may not “work” for you. Fundamentally, opening yourself to all the energies and resources of your own Awareness is what brings the shift, the sigh, the relaxation into Grace.Have fun with your own explorations … ;o)

Namasté. ((♥))

via Working with Feelings of Jealousy.

This can be applied to any feelings such as anger, self worth confidence etc.

My heart is still aching

Love heart uidaodjsdsew

Guitar chords G / G major 7th / D / D major 7th / C / D

G                            GMJ7      D                   DMJ7
My heart is still aching, I don’t know what to write.
C                                D
Does it still exist? Is there anything left inside?
G                     GMJ7        D                       DMJ7
I can’t feel it beating, it used to beat like a drum.
C                                    D                          
All I can say is now, it doesn’t want to run.

Bedroom antics may have been the cause, I was simply far too blind.
To notice you slip away, was you only trying to hide?
But now our love is stronger, it’s all up to me they say.
To forgive you and my self, but I’m stuck in yesterday.

I know I must have hurt you, for you to do the things you’ve done.
But instead of holding you real close, I simply let you run.
The love I feel for you, is something I can’t hide.
It’s high up above the clouds, where angels reside.

Now that we are parted, although only for a while.
Hearing you when you call me, always makes me smile.
Forgiveness is in my soul, but torments in my mind.
How do I forgive you darling, when there’s torture in my eyes.

The only thing that keeps me going, is you and the kids.
I’m going to pin that thought promptly, to the back of my eye lids.
I’ve jump started my heart again, solely for you.
But please don’t ever shake it, coz it’s only held with glue.

I know that you can feel me, from across the shores.
When I wake up in the mornings, it is you that I adore.
I feel our love is beautiful, like a flower in full bloom.
Worry not my darling, I’ll be coming home real soon.

I’ll be coming home real soon, to oo ooo sooth you.

By Stuart Otway-Smith

MyFreeCopyright.com Registered & Protected

I miss you all my love, kiss our children for me and hug baby.

 

Day Fiftyseven:

I am a somewhat over emotional person, but with that comes passion enthusiasm and drive.
Until recently though, that drive was stuck in reverse and the gear knob broke.

Recent events of past, force me to reevaluate life, a more positive out look is defiantly forming, as I release my mind to all that cares to notice, I let go of the tournament that often plagues it.

Today has been a roller coaster ride of ups and downs, highs and lows, a sharp sudden stop!
And a wake up call.

Let me explain, today Shell opened up to me, probably due to pressure of my line of questioning.
Finally I get some respite as to why she had the affair in the first place, thank you.

Perhaps now my sleep will be less torrential.

She says that she had lost sight of who I was, who she was, the medication had taken me to a very dark, cold and lonely place, due to her love she walked there with me and got lost in the shadows and begged for a hand to rescue her but none came, she was isolated cold and lonely.

One finally came along from a friend she trusted for many years, she desperately grasped at it, wanting to just be noticed, held, told everything would be okay. He deceitfully tricked her with a web of lies for his own selfish sexual desires. Then dropped her like a stone into a pond of torment, she returns home to her true love to lick his wounds and watch his anguish muster.

She still loved me deeply but we hadn’t talked for months, I was asleep when she was awake and visa versa. Our days, weeks months had been spent in a bitter torment or ignoring each other and the only real closeness was sexual and non trivial chit chat.

Even that had become a chore to us due to my health, she wanted to feel something, anything, she had an affair, I cut myself, I understand now and let go of a huge weight, I feel lighter.

I didn’t feel this way at all she is everything to me, but the place I had been visiting for a very long time bought me so very close to death and nearly cost me my love, losing you is so much worse than dying.

We where both deeply depressed, lost, living each day as it comes.

I had nearly died twice in the last year from prescribed medication overdoses, the pressure of life had torn apart our being, we had lost our selves, our way, blocked by doors of our own doing and life’s consequence.

The year before we had been evicted from our home, our landlady sold our house and during the move Shells Dad passed away, the stress and pressure of it all was killing her inside, she said nothing.
I just hid away and ignored everything and everyone, I wasn’t there to hold her hand, to comfort her.

I was so lost in pain and self torment I never even went to the funeral, its no surprise I lost you my love, looking back it surprises me that you still love me as much as you do.

I feel for you, your heart is aching to and my only concern was with my own.
I am sorry for not considering you and the effects this has had on your feelings.

Her openness and honesty hurt like hell but I must thank her, as after the waterfall of tears I feel confident that our future, is not some imaginary dream, but a real goal we can actually achieve.

Although this post seems filled with gloom and doom its more like simple reminiscence, as last night after making passionate love and caressing each other for many hours Shell, gently stroked my face, turned me towards her, looked deep in my eyes and asked me to marry her.

Shock horror!

WOW! I am finally going to be a proper husband and not one living out of wedlock.

Eighteen years ago on her birthday the 25th of April I asked her to marry me, she still has the receipt for the ring from the second-hand jewellers shop all this time later.

Since then I have asked her hundreds of times and due to the nature of our relationship, life and her fear of commitment I assume, she has never really taken marriage seriously.

For her to come out with it like that now after all this time means everything to me.

I call her my wife because to me she already is, we even all have the same names so the kids didn’t have different names to the parents.

She now asks that I take her to be my lawfully wedded wife, under the eyes of God.

And I gracefully and ecstatically accepted.

I still had problems with shooting my mouth of today although much less virulent and controlled.
I walked myself upstairs had a bath calmed my self and came back down, my counsellor said that it is suppressed rage and resentment, and is often caused from simply being nice to the person or people whom have hurt you.

She suggested that I need some form of release to let the steam out of the kettle, as at the moment I have no way for it to escape except for via my mouth and this blog.

I know writing this all down is healing me tremendously, God! forbid what I would be like else.

I do, I do, I do.

I will honour and obey you my love.

I love you, I love You; I Love YOU!

I love you, I love You; I love YOU!

But what does it mean?

love | ləv | noun

1 An intense feeling of deep affection:
Babies fill parents with intense feelings of love
Their love for their country.

A deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone:
It was love at first sight.
They were both in love with her.
We were slowly falling in love .

( Love ) A personified figure of love, often represented as Cupid.

A great interest and pleasure in something:
His love for football.
We share a love of music.

Affectionate greetings conveyed to someone on one’s behalf.
A formula for ending an affectionate letter:
Take care, lots of love, Stu.

2 A person or thing that one loves:
She was the love of his life
Their two great loves are tobacco and whiskey.

Great! We have a clinical description, but how does it feel?
Hmm, I’m a man, what do I know about love? Right?

Lets explore and find out…

I realised something whilst attempting to have a bath today, that made me pop out of it ASAP and hit my keyboard, this blogging’s getting infectious!

I ponder on lots of things, this ones lovingly constructive 😉

When you say; I love you!

Usually with a passing glance you say those words as a gesture of goodwill and companionship, they can even become a chore in certain circumstances unfortunately.

Such as:  After a lovers tif you humbly mumble, I love you under your breath, then proceed to slam the door shut and leave the building.

A response is expected but not always warranted or required.

Such as: See you later, I love you, as you hang up the phone.
Make the effort to mean it if you do say it, if not perhaps ask your self, am I even in love at all?

Upon receiving a response, you feel a comfort, a harmonious joy, that you are loved and cared for, hopefully the feelings mutual.

And that’s usually it my friends, however!

Do we all not want a deeper understanding of love?
Well, today, I was lucky enough to receive one.

Shell gave me a gift today, I shall treasure it for life and share with whom ever is listening.

Shell said; I love, I love you, I love you repeatedly, over and over again, each time she said it, I could feel it more, her voice became more gentle, genuine, compassionate, our eyes met, then pulled together like magnets, we gazed into each others eyes, I began to hang on every word, we kissed lips softly, our breath began to quicken.

This was my conclusion, the first time that you tell someone whom you love, I love you, your expectant, once they respond, you move to admiration and soon affection.

You are both now really paying attention to each other, “kick him off the TV”, looking into each others eyes, emotions start to form.

At this stage your ready to listen to them completely and are almost ‘under their spell‘.

Your probably feeling sensual and erotic right now, I know I was.

By repeatedly telling someone very close to you that you love them, you will find that each time you say it, a deeper, more passionate and stronger message will come across.

I am certain that repeatedly telling your partner, relative or dear friend that you love them today will get you the attention you require of them and make them feel wonderful in the process.

So go on, really tell someone you love them, by loving them as you say it, by saying it over and over.

Us Humans rely on multiple stimuli to process the world, so use what you have to spread your message of love, don’t waste it by tossing it from across the room, get in close, face them, hold their hands, let them know how much you love them by saying it repeatedly and with good intention.

Love you, Stu.

Day Fiftysix:

I woke up this morning about 8:50 alert and standing fully to attention, so to speak.

I had awoken to a smile as sweat as candy floss.

The day started out sunny, Shell made a massive effort and were not even out of bed yet, don’t give up, it’s working, although you may think otherwise.

As I rolled over completely, Shell stirred, smiled at me and told me she loved me repeatedly, please do this more often my love it’s so meaningful to me, this will make these problems lesson more hastily don’t stop!

We caressed each other for a while , began to kiss softly, we rubbed noses then became entangled.

As I started to make love to her I could feel my self-control gently drifting away.
We made love for half an hour or so before I suddenly stopped without finishing!
Collapsing atop of her, I began snivelling all over her, I gripped her tightly as to never let her go.

A real passion killer I can tell you, I got up lowly, went downstairs then sat on my own crying once again, everyone around me says, move on, let it go, I know, I know, I know…

But in the situation above how do you just move on?

I ended up sexually frustrated, resentful and bitter, it goes without saying that when you’re in an emotional state such as this, you are not the happiest person to be around, it’s not a good idea right now to try and have a civil conversation.

Again something wonderful, sensual and loving gets corrupted by my thoughts, like adverts with volume full, in my face they deliver their message, not with deliberation but cruel intent.

Even kissing you does not feel right, have you changed the way you kiss.
Is that how you kissed him? Or is it me?

I try so hard to just ignore the images and thoughts of deceit in my minds eye, but they keep playing peek a boo with my sub conscious whilst I sleep, day dream and ponder.
They haunt me when we make love, spectre’s spooking me back into reality.

How can I fix this?

The childish emo fits I have succumbed to daily for the last few days are ruining our chances to heal, it is Shell who now resents me, I still sit here, selfishly feeling sorry for my self.

I want to make love to you and feel you like I used to, I need to!

Your more than sexual meat I abuse for my own lustful pleasures, your are my love, my lover, my companion, partner, friend, the mother of our babies, everything about you makes me tingle, I must keep reminding myself of this continuously and never stop.

I don’t know how to begin explaining the complex emotions I am experiencing as I type this out, trying to tell you in words how much I love you is much harder than I imagined it to be.

For some reason my music is out of sync with yours, our rhythm out of time.
I wish the DJ of love would fix the broken beats in my heart and synchronise our rhythms once again

Your body is my body, my soul is your soul, our two hearts beat as one
I know with absolute certainty the rhythm of our hearts will never be out of sync.

I love you.

Day Fifityfive:

Restless sleep makes you really pissed off for the want of better words.

Im’ so tired…

I struggled to make a cup of coffee this morning and dropped my cup on the floor, it smashed to bits, then in a frivolous fury of frustration; I grabbed the coffee jar and slammed it into the floor, the glass shattered in all directions and the brown coffee granules ejected all over the room.

What a mess!

10:38

Shell has been off with me for days, I am really feeling the pressure of trying to be nice on the outside when you’re dying from within.

Maybe there is hope after all, Shell just sent me a text and usually I keep those things private but there are exceptions to the rule right?

She said:

I love you so very much, I feel your pain but don’t know how to take it away or how to comfort you.

I feel you are slipping away from me more each day and that scares me.

I try to hold you, Tell you I love you, I must find another way to bring you back to me.

That bond between us was like a rope that keeps pulling us back together, the rope has worn thin and frayed.

I must strengthen the rope and not let it break like string.

I know you feel our love is held together by cobwebs, but know that cobweb is one of the strongest materials known to us, if we keep puling on the rope together in the same direction we will be able to get closer to each other and tie a knot, rather than tormenting each other in a bitter tug of war.

11:47

I got a very special message from a very special person, no names sorry! They know who they are.

It said: (slightly modified for privacy)

I don’t blame you, I did not mind as I still read everything everyday , it seems like your depression is getting worse and I don’t want that for you. I know what Shell did was wrong and I can only imagine what you are feeling but look how far you have come over the past 16 years, you CAN get through this.

You both need to enjoy each other no matter how much it hurts at the moment.

I know you love Shell very much and I know she does make mistakes, trust me I’ve been through some of them with her too; I have to keep saying, think about the kids! Because it rubs off on them especially at the age they are at, I don’t want them to feel down too.

By what I’ve been told about Shells dates speaking to her, it sounds to me that the baby is defiantly yours, so forget about everything else and shut the world out, you and Shell have a baby on the way and your little family is all that matters now.

Go and hug her even if it hurts you and tell her you love her give her, a little positive note and say that you know that you can get through it.

Then I want you to go and hug the kids and tell them you love them and that your sorry for being down lately and that your going to change that.

You may not think it at the moment but they need you now more than ever trust me.
I don’t know what I would do without my Dad.

Please  just think to the future and not what has happened in the past, remember you can’t change that.

I love you Xxx

I hope you don’t mind me posting that message although modified ever so slightly as you know.

I love you to and thank you for caring and passing me a hand via words that I see with my eyes and feel in my heart.

I will do exactly as you suggest, today more than any other due to the tension it would make the biggest difference and liven up every bodies day, you really are a wonderful person and I am truly grateful and blessed to be apart of your life.

Thank you again for telling me just what I needed to hear, in such a sweet way.

It’s still early enough to finish the day off nicely.

As I finish this sentence the Sun has just yawned out loudly and appears in the garden gently erasing the rain clouds.

20:40

Although I am in a huge amount of pain and lethargy reminds me so, we have had a reasonable day today, it didn’t start to good with my mouth ranting despicable torment for a short while after the coffee incident. Since then we have started to get close again, closer than we have been for some days. I’m pleased for Shells message, a simple use of words to let me know she is hanging on to our relationship, I to will not let it go, I love you far too much to let it hang out to dry.

I guess this is apart of the process of healing from such pain.

22:43

I listen to Red Sky at Night from the album On An Island by David Gilmour and write how I feel.

Why is it every time I go out of my way to be divinely nice, treat Shell with the utmost respect that she deserves, make her happy by going out of my way to really love her, I screw it all up with my mouth?

Phew!

I love you sweetheart, saying that now after what I just said to you makes the words feel dry.

I wish my mouth would just STFU and stay with the loving kindness, I truly feel in my heart and mind.

Why do I seem to have this primal urge to just rant at you randomly in a fit of rage and venom?

Please understand that what I say is a result of the bad images in my mind I do not mean any of it especially about the baby not being mine, what a horrible person I am, how dare I make you feel like that, especially when pregnant.

I want to rip my head off and hammer it to my arse as just as things got better I let rip at Shell making her whimper in tears.

I’m sorry for acting childish and immature, and saying all that rubbish to you and the fact the kids heard my outrage saddens me deeply.

Bad person I feel, Bad person I am, mistakes I have not learned from, but I am just a man.

I love you Shell with every part of my soul, life with you is my destiny, if only I would realise it.

I burned the rope you tossed me before I even had a chance to catch it this evening, please I’m begging you, throw me another one, I promise not to ever let it go.

It was me that caused the resentment and hate tonight not you, you have tried so hard and I thank you with all of my being.

Please forgive me, my love, as now I really need to learn to forgive myself for ventures past and failed memories.