Restless sleep makes you really pissed off for the want of better words.
Im’ so tired…
I struggled to make a cup of coffee this morning and dropped my cup on the floor, it smashed to bits, then in a frivolous fury of frustration; I grabbed the coffee jar and slammed it into the floor, the glass shattered in all directions and the brown coffee granules ejected all over the room.
What a mess!
Shell has been off with me for days, I am really feeling the pressure of trying to be nice on the outside when you’re dying from within.
Maybe there is hope after all, Shell just sent me a text and usually I keep those things private but there are exceptions to the rule right?
I love you so very much, I feel your pain but don’t know how to take it away or how to comfort you.
I feel you are slipping away from me more each day and that scares me.
I try to hold you, Tell you I love you, I must find another way to bring you back to me.
That bond between us was like a rope that keeps pulling us back together, the rope has worn thin and frayed.
I must strengthen the rope and not let it break like string.
I know you feel our love is held together by cobwebs, but know that cobweb is one of the strongest materials known to us, if we keep puling on the rope together in the same direction we will be able to get closer to each other and tie a knot, rather than tormenting each other in a bitter tug of war.
I got a very special message from a very special person, no names sorry! They know who they are.
It said: (slightly modified for privacy)
I don’t blame you, I did not mind as I still read everything everyday , it seems like your depression is getting worse and I don’t want that for you. I know what Shell did was wrong and I can only imagine what you are feeling but look how far you have come over the past 16 years, you CAN get through this.
You both need to enjoy each other no matter how much it hurts at the moment.
I know you love Shell very much and I know she does make mistakes, trust me I’ve been through some of them with her too; I have to keep saying, think about the kids! Because it rubs off on them especially at the age they are at, I don’t want them to feel down too.
By what I’ve been told about Shells dates speaking to her, it sounds to me that the baby is defiantly yours, so forget about everything else and shut the world out, you and Shell have a baby on the way and your little family is all that matters now.
Go and hug her even if it hurts you and tell her you love her give her, a little positive note and say that you know that you can get through it.
Then I want you to go and hug the kids and tell them you love them and that your sorry for being down lately and that your going to change that.
You may not think it at the moment but they need you now more than ever trust me.
I don’t know what I would do without my Dad.
Please just think to the future and not what has happened in the past, remember you can’t change that.
I love you Xxx
I hope you don’t mind me posting that message although modified ever so slightly as you know.
I love you to and thank you for caring and passing me a hand via words that I see with my eyes and feel in my heart.
I will do exactly as you suggest, today more than any other due to the tension it would make the biggest difference and liven up every bodies day, you really are a wonderful person and I am truly grateful and blessed to be apart of your life.
Thank you again for telling me just what I needed to hear, in such a sweet way.
It’s still early enough to finish the day off nicely.
As I finish this sentence the Sun has just yawned out loudly and appears in the garden gently erasing the rain clouds.
Although I am in a huge amount of pain and lethargy reminds me so, we have had a reasonable day today, it didn’t start to good with my mouth ranting despicable torment for a short while after the coffee incident. Since then we have started to get close again, closer than we have been for some days. I’m pleased for Shells message, a simple use of words to let me know she is hanging on to our relationship, I to will not let it go, I love you far too much to let it hang out to dry.
I guess this is apart of the process of healing from such pain.
I listen to Red Sky at Night from the album On An Island by David Gilmour and write how I feel.
Why is it every time I go out of my way to be divinely nice, treat Shell with the utmost respect that she deserves, make her happy by going out of my way to really love her, I screw it all up with my mouth?
I love you sweetheart, saying that now after what I just said to you makes the words feel dry.
I wish my mouth would just STFU and stay with the loving kindness, I truly feel in my heart and mind.
Why do I seem to have this primal urge to just rant at you randomly in a fit of rage and venom?
Please understand that what I say is a result of the bad images in my mind I do not mean any of it especially about the baby not being mine, what a horrible person I am, how dare I make you feel like that, especially when pregnant.
I want to rip my head off and hammer it to my arse as just as things got better I let rip at Shell making her whimper in tears.
I’m sorry for acting childish and immature, and saying all that rubbish to you and the fact the kids heard my outrage saddens me deeply.
Bad person I feel, Bad person I am, mistakes I have not learned from, but I am just a man.
I love you Shell with every part of my soul, life with you is my destiny, if only I would realise it.
I burned the rope you tossed me before I even had a chance to catch it this evening, please I’m begging you, throw me another one, I promise not to ever let it go.
It was me that caused the resentment and hate tonight not you, you have tried so hard and I thank you with all of my being.
Please forgive me, my love, as now I really need to learn to forgive myself for ventures past and failed memories.