Goodbye Love

Goodbye my love, I am leaving you today.
It’s not that I don’t’ want you, but you did throw me away.
Like unwanted hazardous waste you tossed me, away from your heart.
But like a dying solider, to late I’m blown apart.

Goodbye my love, my heart it’s simply broken.
By the words you spoke, to my face, deceitful with intention.
There is no feeling when I hold you, but fear and cold condemnation.
Time has stopped, I broke the clocks, seconds only pass me loneliness.

Au revoir lover, bon appétit my friend, looks like we eat the words we reap again.
I came so far to loose it all, but in the end it doesn’t even matter.
I’m crazy, a lunatic, I’m mad as a hatter.
If you could take it all back and start again, it wouldn’t matter as it to broke to mend.

Holding on to resentment is like holding your breath, You will begin to suffocate, learn to forgive!

Holding on to resentment is like holding your breath, You will begin to suffocate, learn to forgive!

Holding on to resentment is like holding your breath, You will begin to suffocate, learn to forgive!

Day Fiftysix:

I woke up this morning about 8:50 alert and standing fully to attention, so to speak.

I had awoken to a smile as sweat as candy floss.

The day started out sunny, Shell made a massive effort and were not even out of bed yet, don’t give up, it’s working, although you may think otherwise.

As I rolled over completely, Shell stirred, smiled at me and told me she loved me repeatedly, please do this more often my love it’s so meaningful to me, this will make these problems lesson more hastily don’t stop!

We caressed each other for a while , began to kiss softly, we rubbed noses then became entangled.

As I started to make love to her I could feel my self-control gently drifting away.
We made love for half an hour or so before I suddenly stopped without finishing!
Collapsing atop of her, I began snivelling all over her, I gripped her tightly as to never let her go.

A real passion killer I can tell you, I got up lowly, went downstairs then sat on my own crying once again, everyone around me says, move on, let it go, I know, I know, I know…

But in the situation above how do you just move on?

I ended up sexually frustrated, resentful and bitter, it goes without saying that when you’re in an emotional state such as this, you are not the happiest person to be around, it’s not a good idea right now to try and have a civil conversation.

Again something wonderful, sensual and loving gets corrupted by my thoughts, like adverts with volume full, in my face they deliver their message, not with deliberation but cruel intent.

Even kissing you does not feel right, have you changed the way you kiss.
Is that how you kissed him? Or is it me?

I try so hard to just ignore the images and thoughts of deceit in my minds eye, but they keep playing peek a boo with my sub conscious whilst I sleep, day dream and ponder.
They haunt me when we make love, spectre’s spooking me back into reality.

How can I fix this?

The childish emo fits I have succumbed to daily for the last few days are ruining our chances to heal, it is Shell who now resents me, I still sit here, selfishly feeling sorry for my self.

I want to make love to you and feel you like I used to, I need to!

Your more than sexual meat I abuse for my own lustful pleasures, your are my love, my lover, my companion, partner, friend, the mother of our babies, everything about you makes me tingle, I must keep reminding myself of this continuously and never stop.

I don’t know how to begin explaining the complex emotions I am experiencing as I type this out, trying to tell you in words how much I love you is much harder than I imagined it to be.

For some reason my music is out of sync with yours, our rhythm out of time.
I wish the DJ of love would fix the broken beats in my heart and synchronise our rhythms once again

Your body is my body, my soul is your soul, our two hearts beat as one
I know with absolute certainty the rhythm of our hearts will never be out of sync.

I love you.

Day Fortythree:

RESENTMENT

Noun

his success led to resentment from critics: bitterness, indignation, irritation, pique, dissatisfaction, disgruntlement, discontentment, discontent, resentfulness, bad feelings, hard feelings, ill will, acrimony, rancor, animosity, jaundice; envy, jealousy

Resentment is often at the heart of conflict. It’s the kind of anger that says, “I don’t deserve this” and “you are wrong.” So it’s not just an emotion; it makes claims about how you think you deserve to be treated, and that someone has not complied with that expectation.

09:30

I was rudely awoken really early this morning by the telephone ringing, it had rung to the point of frustration, to that point where you knew that if you had only got up to answer it; it would have stopped already!

Shell and the kids had left for school it was about 8:30 am the first time it called, it then rang over and over till about 09:30 am, I got up, hobbled down the stairs and answered it to a dial tone.

It rang shortly afterwards it was Shell’s friend whom is undergoing a difficult break up, she wanted to speak with her urgently!

She asked me if she had woken me up, I grumpily replied YES, told her to call her mobile and promptly hung up.

I must admit I do care for Shell’s friend dearly but her relationship problems are causing background stress and problems with ours, this is mainly due to the worry it causes Shell and her friends stress rubs of onto her making Shell stressed out. She has been calling at really inconvenient times, not her fault I know, often in the middle of dinner, a family film, and more frequently interrupting us talking when the kids are asleep.

I couldn’t sleep last night, no nightmares or bad images, but the pain in my spine kept me tossing and turning in anguish, thwarting my rest, I remember looking at the clock on my phone, I keep it under my pillow; it said 04:53 am.

Having only a few hours sleep is not good for a FM sufferer, I am full of Fibro Fog today, my mind feels numb and cloudy and I am having a hard time concentrating on what the hell I am doing, yet alone what I’m saying.

My back hurts and feels like it is twisted, buckled, crushed and trampled, my ankles cause severe discomfort when I put weight on them and I have pins and needles down the left side of my body, emotionally, I am completely drained, my batteries are not depleted they have been completely removed, Apple Menu / Shut Down.

10:26

Shell made an unscheduled trip to the doctors this morning as she had cramps in her belly, she is okay thankfully but my anxt has been increased as the doctor made the conception dates closer to the affair date.

If I am completely honest this news terrorized my emotions and I freaked out, RED ALERT! Shields up!

For the first time since this happened almost six weeks ago, I threw everything in Shells face all at once, please forgive me my love, it pains me to see you cry.

I feel so terrible and bitter, how can I say I love her the way I do and still feel so much pain and resentment?

I know we can fix this, today I feel that it was me that broke a string on our bow of love and not the other way around.

Although it is not my fault what happened, I should not have been so mean and inconsiderate to your feelings today.

Afterwards you smiled at me and said lets start the day again and I am pleased that you think I am worth that, I thank you for being so strong, I am liking this new more positive and affirmative you it suits you beautifully.

Sigh, today I let my brain and my emotions get the better of me, there is no excuse for it what so ever!

Apologising after the fact when you have said some really unthoughtful and hurtful things seems pointless, how ever I did try really hard to explain to Shell how looking at the calendar and figuring out conception dates to date how far she is gone was extremely hard for me to deal with, I found out Shell had the affair on my daughters birthday I only just realised this fact to be the case and Darren had come down that weekend and both of them knew of the occasion.

In addition to this we have received contact from him twice in the last week, and from others chatting malicious chants of upsetting propaganda.

I know I acted harshly and said a lot things I really shouldn’t have, how does one control the tongue’s ravenous tone?

For the first time since this tragedy, I actually lost it, all down to pure resentment, and for that I am truly despondent!

I was not thinking about what I was saying, how much it hurt, or even who was listening, at one point I was crying and ranting to my self on my own in the front room in turmoil, in a tantrum of fear, I wandered around the room crying and dribbling on myself.

I guess there will be days like this and I am thankful that they have been very few and far between, I have counselling tonight with Relate and am going to ask them to concentrate on my emotional outbursts as it is these that are putting pressure on both us and our healing.

Shell’s Mum has been saying she is worried about me, she worries because she feels I am trying to hard, maybe I am but what more can I do?

I have to try harder, clearly as I am still having times where my emotional pain is passing on to others and tormenting them.

13:12

Shell made us both a Turbo and then went to pick up our son from School.

Apart from the turmoil this morning we have had a good day, the sun is shining once again and I am going to sit in it’s healing light and just be still.

I have learnt a very valuable lesson today, that we all must be responsible not only for our actions but also for our words.

15:54

Shell just sent me a text I know she won’t mind me publishing it’s contents.

Shell says:

I love you so very much, you are everything my heart desires, I thank you for staying with me and wish you happiness and joy.

I said:

Namaste my Queen, may the light of our love shine eternal.

17:00

My support worker from YOU has just left and I went through the events of the last month once again, it does not matter how many times I speak about what happened it hurts just the same, I wish I could simply erase it from my mind.

She has known Shell and I for about a year now and was surprised her self at what had happened, there wasn’t any thing really to say or to do except to arrange some things regarding our move and sort out some paperwork.

20:00

Appointment with Relate for my first counselling session!
I’ll write about how that went later, no doubt I will have to traumatise my self again explaining to the counsellor what’s up, but I know that this will help us heal.

21:49

Just got back from my appointment with Relate I had a cry and a chat about it with Shell for about forty five minutes, she is now relaxing in the bath so I have some time to share my first appointment experience.

Wow! that was tough.

I arrived for my first appointment to Relate (Relationship counselling) apprehensive and anxious, I booked in at reception and was greeted with a smile, I was asked to wait in a small waiting room off to the side, it was painted white, and was very clinical, it had half a dozen chairs, I hadn’t noticed at first and thought they was all red, except for the one I was sitting on as it was green in colour, trust me to pick the odd one ^^

Multiple informational brochures, advice leaflets and such adorned the walls, As my eyes met up with the paraphernalia I started to notice the subject lines of the said pamphlets.

Subjects such as Has your partner been unfaithful? Suffering from the effects of an Affair? etc…
It is a relationship counselling service, so of course one would expect them to have literature on such subjects, for me though each and every one of them popped out as though to taunt me, then I burst into tears.

It wasn’t long before the counsellor popped her head around the corner, assumed it was me as I was alone and we headed towards another room.

This is where the roller coaster of torment, emotions and hap hazard babbling began.
It is not that the counsellor made me feel uneasy or that I felt ashamed of being there but letting it all out made my chest hurt, and my breath became irate and obtrusive.

She calmly passed me a tissue from a nearby box and patiently awaited my conformity.
After I got myself together she began to ask me a series of questions some of which where extremely painful to think about not alone answer.

Because of my pharmaceutical addiction, previous violent behaviour, our relationship problems, death in the family and the fact we had been evicted from a home recently she suggested that to treat me for relationship counselling I must first or as well as have psychodynamic therapy, this requires me to see a GP and get refereed, hopefully my support worker can assist me in arranging this as I really want to make our relationship work but I must address my own mental health issues first and for most if we are to get anywhere.

Shell is going there the same time next week, hopefully she won’t be considered as mad as me so she can get immediate help, I on the other hand am going to have to wait a while on a waiting list of some months before getting any help at all.

Overall it was a tough experience but I did feel some form of peace as I left the building and headed home.
It was worth going, it was my first step, unfortunately for me the next time I get some counselling might be a while, and the counsellor did say I needed assistance to help myself and there is nothing wrong with that.

TTFN, Namaste!

Words are Weapons by Eminem

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Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.