Day Thirtyeight:

The day of Serendipity

serendipity |ˌserənˈdipitē | noun

The occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way:
A fortunate stroke of serendipity | a series of small serendipities.

Today as a fellow blogger puts it is a Pajama day I am absolutely knackerd from the walking I have done this week every muscle in my body exudes pain.

I am not getting dressed today and am going to spend the day chill axing and enjoying music, although I am in  an immense amount of pain I feel calm and still, Shell gave me a back rub earlier and took a lot of the stress and tension from me, I really need her to show me that she loves me now, the images in my mind are withering my soul.

Having a baby should be the happiest time of our lives and I am trying so hard to make it that way, I wish whole heartedly that the baby is mine and although I know the chances are very high that it is, the doubt in my mind is tormenting me and making it very hard to let go off all the pain.

Shell has just washed up and gone to pick up our son from school life goes on.

No turbo or exercise today but I have managed to do my emotions training it does help a lot and I am learning to control my brain, not it control me.

Shell and I had a big argument last night and said a lot of things to each other we really shouldn’t have, I am not going to go into it because it all started form nothing and neither of us where to blame, sometimes shit just happens.

Today we are both much calmer and have got a lot of held back feelings out in the open the truth hurts but once it is out you can heal.

It is a shame that some people still want to see hatred, that is up to them, but I am trying to not only lick my wounds but remember why they are there in the first place, if karma exists I must have acted extremely harshly previously in my life, there is no way out of that.

I do hope the other family involved are doing okay and are coping since they removed me from Facebook I have not been able to read their status updates, perhaps this is a good thing as it hurts to think of anything to do with my situation.

I have spent a lot of hours looking into Sensory Acuity and have been doing exercises to prepare myself for the NLP course in May, keeping focus on this and the baby is what is keeping me strong, we are looking into a private scan to get the conception dates as this will really help all parties involved and allow us to start planning and enjoying our baby.

16:40

We did end up making our turbo’s yippee, and after we had some ryvita and Philadelphia cheese with salad, we both helped each other make and clean everything.

18:35

Shell is now asleep on the sofa, she cleaned the kitchen, I got dressed and we made turbo’s together, my son always wants some, want your kids to eat spinach and celery? drink turbo’s and they will love it.

Before she fell asleep I put on the new David Gilmour album On an Island and gently caressed and kissed her belly, these are the magical moments that will keep us strong, as we clutched each others hands we just closed our eyes and reminisced in the moment.

It is times like this that make both of us know that we can get through this and we are strong enough to fight the demons and follow the path of the light.

19:48

Shell has been a sleep a while now and the house has got dark I have just noticed the time and cooked up some dinner for the kids, only beans and toast as it was late and they had ice cream and bananas for dessert.

Everyones settled down now to a movie on Netflix.

So it’s 00:42 tomorrow if you will, I have spent about an hour or so crying and dribbling on my self the day went great today and almost nothing went wrong, after Shell had a bath I got highly emotional and just burst into tears and stayed that way for about three hours, as I quietly sat on my own in the dark until now feeling sorry for myself.

Loving Kindness, Stu.

Guile

I trust you I hold you but you lie to my face.
You cut my skin from my bones.

The bleeding in my heart drips down to my toes.
The black rose, dies, dries, burns.
The seed of life withers in pain.

My eyes darken as deceit blinds me.
My tongue chastised by hate.
My soul entwined in wires.

The dirty dealings of cunning deceit.
Double-crossed by the trickster.
The cunning dissemblance, the sell out-of-body.

The sharp stab in the back.

By Stuart Otway-Smith

MyFreeCopyright.com Registered & Protected

Day Thirtyone:

Song of the moment

Emeli Sandé – Lifetime

Been up most of the night my brain has buzzed with ideas.

The Venus Project does not have any information what so ever on the Apple store, as a developer it is something I noticed after doing a few searches, I have put out a proposal to create iBooks, Podcasts and possibly an App.

Looks good so far a few people have shown  an interest, so now we are awaiting a team co-ordinator to organise us into teams, unless off course they don’t have anyone at all for iOS stuff then I would volunteer to run the project.

Shell and I have had a really great morning so far we spent many hours last night making love and just holding each other, I really feel we will get through all of this, we have been together for 17 years, some of that time has been a very dark place for us, we have done just about everything you should not to do to your partner to each other yet we are still together, in the words of Shell’s father, may he R.I.P, God bless you Mick. Love conquers all.

I am still awaiting the results of my application to the NLP academy I really do hope I am accepted as I really want to change my life for the better and know that studying NLP properly with others will make a huge different to my healing process, communication with others and my emotions.

Looking forward to going out this evening with Mum, Dad, Sister, Nan and some more of the family for an early Mothers day meal yum!

I am really looking forward to Seeing lil Ella this weekend  She’s so fluffy!

We went out to-night for a mothers day dinner everything was lovely until we got home and Shell started lying about cigarettes again, flash back! here we go again, all the time she lies to my face and I believe her we have huge problems, I do not think she will ever stop lying, how do I trust her if she can’t stop it even for the stupidest of things.

She has been lying to me for years, why am I falling for her crap again.

Shell and I are on the rocks, I need to move out it seems, everything has gone wrong.

That is it for today for now, Chou.

Copy of my proposal if anyone is interested in contributing please click the link below.

Venus Expressions Media(TVP Support Team)

Increasing Global Awareness of The Venus Project by way of the Apple App Store and iTunes

Goal to enter the Apple Worldwide Market place to increase global awareness and attract new members to TVP in a previously untapped market.

Upon searching for the phrase The venus Project the only hit was an album.
It is my opinion that the information that is already available could be simply converted into the iBooks format and made available for free download for iOS devices including iPod, iPhone and iPad, significantly increasing the potential reach.

The distribution of this information would be via Apples online stores and cloud servers.

The cost for a developer license is $99 per year and this allows one to distribute ibooks, music, video, and applications via the Mac and iOS App stores, there is different terms and conditions and rules regarding the types of media that can be published but it is mainly offensive materials that do not cut the grade.

There are three main avenues of distribution for the information using Apple technology.

IBooks
An iBook is just like a normal book on an iPad or iPhone you can flick the pages with your finger and read in comfort, the iBooks application allows you to remember where you are on one device and continue reading on another in exactly the same place.
3d Models, video and audio can be used, embedded and played but are limited in file size, it is a book remember.

Podcasts
Podcasts are similar to radio broadcasts but can be run by anyone, there is an application process as with everything Apple, but due to the wide variety of content that is available it does not concern me to much that TVP would be refused, all the video and audio media can be turned into podcasts and then made available in the podcasts directory from within iTunes, users can search for podcasts that they find interesting and subscribe, future updates will downloaded to their macs or PCs and synchronized with their iOS devices, as with iBooks things carry on where you left off, so if you watch on one device you can continue watching the same content on another device from the same place, users that Have Apple TV could also stream the videos wirelessly to their TV’s for a more engrossing and family orientated Entertainment, rather than watching it on YouTube on their computers, YouTube is available on Apple TV advert free, this allows users on these platforms to look up more information on their TV’s.

App
An application can be as simple as converting some custom webpages to an application or as complex as a 3D simulation, both of which are comfortable running on iOS devices.
Advantages of apps are, it is possible via iAd to make some income, take donations or sell merchandise from within the app via in App purchasing and allow in app communications, possibly cross-platform.

Thanks for reading my draft.

Day Thirty:

Black Eyed Peas – Where Is The Love

That day it all went right!

Wow what a morning, I keep waking up in a somewhat unhappy way, it seems to take me some hours to get my shit together so to speak.

I have a doctors appointment today and am looking forward to going to Costa Coffee with Shell and Amber as she is having a day off school.

Shell made me a Turbo around 11:00 ish and they really help to free your mind.
I am going to concentrate today on the smoking side of things as I have noticed since smoking just one or two cigarets per day that my emotional state is much more quirky, aggressive and frustrated.

It is not only me that has noticed it both Shell and I are a bit more tense due to smoking, both of us have decided for our selves that smoking actually decreases your enthusiasm, increases your tension and stress and damn right stinks.

So today we have to go to the doctors, time to let them know I have not taken my meds for 30 days, I wonder what the response will be.

12:00

Dazza contacted me ouch!

At about 12:00 o’clock Darren contacted me with what he called some closure, there was nothing in what he said that I did not already know but it did take me some time to admit it all to myself and sift through the bullshit.

I copied what he said from in a private Facebook conversation, it was written on a mobile phone and had the tone of anger and resentment.

A lot of, if not all of it is true and describes me as a dark person full of hate and resentment, I am not that man, and although I can’t deny any of what he said, what has happened is know where near as bad as it reads.

Is that me trying to make myself better, think of it as you will, I know what I am, and what I am not, what is written below is defiantly something I am not.

I am not a perfect Human by no means, drugs are bad hmm kay!

This is what he said pasted from a private Facebook message no holds barred the real me right?

Thought id drop a line, not for any other reason than to hopefully maybe give you some sort of closure..seems u need it….i did wat I did for my own reasons and has a result me and simone have parted company..i know in myself wat I did was wrong, and in a way I took the cowards way out..the easy route..i will only live with the regret that I should of had the balls to be honest with simone and myself and my children and the hurt ive caused them..i will never forgive myself for that…i know in time my kids will get past this and come out the other side stronger…the same goes for simone..that girl is one in a million and she will someday find someone who will love and appriciate her in a way I never could.

Has for our friendship, ive been questioning why I was ever your friend in the first place…everything you are goes against the grain…i suppose it was out of pitty and feeling sorry for you…you seem to find reasons for being the way you are because of other factors in your life…weather it shell, your up bring or what ever…when in the real world it all your own doing…i cant think of any reason why someone should have cause to beat there partner, make there kids feel so scared they dare not speak in case dad gets angry..and all the while shell puts up with it and allows them kids to witness your tantrums..dunno whos the sadest between ya both…you seem to find it hard to do things that everyone else does on a daily basis, or rather have to because thats how it is…dont get me wrong I share the same feeling about life has you do, but I dont allow it to effect others around me to the point its detrimental and then blame them others for the situation you put yaself into…then releasing them frustration out on the mrs through physical and mental abuse…all signs of pure guilt.

You seem to need praise for doing things that should be natural to u stu…your insecuritys are so profound your at the point where you could never sustain yourself without the help of others…probly the only real reason youve allowed shell to stick around…lets face with out her your fucked, and its your guilt for the way you treat her too thats also an important factor to why youve allowed her to stay…end of day she has every right to leave u and u have no right to kick her out..what a fucked up situation to be in.

You claim you love her…so why not let her go if thats the case..why?..for the reasons above..all selfish ones…i hope for shells sake and them kids sake she will do something about that one day..but then again shes just has selfish has you, in the sense that if she cant leave you for the sake of them kids then she cant really be thinking of them now can she..i mean who would allow there kids to go throughy that..do u realise wat you do to them on daily basis…no women in there right mind would put up with your bull shit u dish out…i fear you will lose them kids oneday.

Never belive that me and shell was ever gonna run off together..we may have done wat we done, but in my mind I could never see her has a long term partner..mainly for the fact that if she can do it to you, she would do it to me…not up for an untrusting relationship…for me now it will be many years before I even concider setteling down again if at all..i need to find out wat I want from life and who I am first before I get to that stage.

I hope you sort your problems out stu..i really do..but until you find strength to carry yaself and stop relying on others to clear your shit up and pick up the pieces, I fear your will lose those closest to you…its time you took responsability and face the fact that you are where u are because of YOU….

Up to you what you do with this letter…this will be the last time you hear from me…no doubt this wil go on your daily blog to try and make you feel better about yourself, and gain some sort of sympathy,or “inner peace”…..i hold my hands up for wat I did, and im no saint and a cunt for wat ive done to my family, but the end of the day I can say ive been pretty consistant up until now, in looking after my kids, and never abusing simone in the way you have towards shell and your kids….and never taking it out on them for my failings in life.

Good luck to you stu..hope life really turns out for the best…i do fear it wont…hope you prove me wrong for you, shell and most of all them kids.

I did reply to him my full but short and sweet answer was.

Thank you for being honest, I feel your hate and resentment you are absolutely right about me and although I could have been nasty that is not my intention, I thank you for being the only person to be honest to me, if that is honestly how you feel than that is okay. I know I have been a bad person and thanks to you I see it clearly now, not because of this letter but because of the kick in the arse you gave me, for that I thank you.

I hope after righting this you feel better as sharing your feelings about something is what it is all about it, I wish you hadn’t tried to destroy me the way you did as that makes you as bad a person as I, using Shell for your own sexual pleasure abusing her trust and friendship psychologically.

Now you have nothing except your own guilt to contend with and I have had an eye opening experience that has shown me exactly where I was going wrong, I am trying to be a better Human being, I often get it wrong.

Now that I know our friendship was false that allows me to heal some more, Shell and I are stronger than ever and the kids are great, we are all spending much more time together and have been enjoying the simpler things in life.

This is all thanks to you, so do not beat your self up in shame and hate I forgive you.

May your heart be files with genuine loving kindness Darren, I hope your find happiness in your heart, Namaste.14:31

Unfortunately Darren can smile as he managed to get Shell and I a little pissed off, not with each other but with the situation in general, he even Liked my post on Facebook as odd as that is, we have had a really good heart to heart today and I feel that we will make it together, so long as I continue to do what I have been doing over the last month, everything will be alright, I wan’t to look for some kind of work, I have applied as a volunteer for the Venus Project to get some regular routine in my life, and what is better than working on something you love, Humanitarianism and peace.

What he says above is all true although highly exaggerated, I have lived my life with shame and indignity, but that does not mean I am a bad person, I post this not for your pity or sympathy although a hug would be nice, but to share my journey of healing, I do not hate, I am a kind and gentil person whom was consumed with hate and fear, call it excuses call it reasons, I call it simply being lost in the slavery of life.

At about one o’clock Home bid called us, wow we can actually view a property, we are living in temporary rented accommodations and this is the first time we have had a property to view we are all excited as although it is social housing it would be a permanent home.

15:00 Doctors never happened!

17:00 Coffee never happened!

18:00 Shell is cooking the dinner, I think after the day we have a had we will simply snuggle up and watch a film, we have both had a lot to deal with today and after our conversation earlier I know we are strong enough to get though this and move on, I am not the devil or a person of hate, but someone that is tired of the way society lives its life.

I have spent a very long time complaining about it and doing nothing this has led me to live my life with resentment fear and hate.

But this is not who I am, this is not who I was, this is what I allowed the bullshit in life to turn me into.

Namaste, please forgive me!

07 mindfulness of heart mind 

by Leo Ryokan

Day Twentynine:

Whilst you read this post perhaps a listen to this may sooth your mind, just as it has mine.

Started the day badly today, no idea what happened to all my positivity listened to The Eagles Lyin” Eyes and Volbeat Still Counting, maybe not such a good idea but I needed to feel this and let it go, last night whilst setting the alarm, I found a pair or Shell’s black underwear sitting there under the stairs, they just happened to be the culprits of her lust and I freaked out.

I never shouted or got angry just went inside myself and was all quiet, I have not spoken to Shell much today, I am having trouble making love to her, I feel used abused and dirty, like a broken second hand gift, hopefully someone will come and buy me for a few pennies, dust me off, take me home and treasure me, kissing her is not the same anymore, even prostitutes don’t kiss their clients but she kissed another man without any thought, her lips just do not feel the same.

I still have troubles looking into her eyes she lied to my face and I believed her full heartedly.
How can I forgive?  Even looking into her eyes makes me cry, resentment and fear all held in a broken heart.

Trying to forgive and forget is harder than I thought it would be, the turmoil in my mind is like a tormenting tornado, I am inside it spinning around and around I can see the way out but the spinning is stopping me from escaping, I am torn, ripped, my skin bleeds pain from its pores, my eyes bleed tears of blood.

The pain in my body consumes me, I’m lethargic, my mind is numb, when I smile I feel like it will crack and my skin will simply peel off, Shell has no idea how much she has hurt me and I do not think she ever will.

I forgive but forgetting is something that will take time.
I am hurting so much today both psychically and emotionally, Darren clearly didn’t give a fuck about me, he was jealous envious and wanted nothing from me except to destroy me, Shell fell into his trap as she is a whore, a sex addict whom only cares for her own selfish pleasure and lust how do I deal with that?

Clearly today I am deeply depressed considering the amount of happiness I have bought myself I guess I am allowed a sad day now and again, I am trying to get this out of my head so it does not anger me, I do not want to loose control, loose my sanity, loose my self.

Thanks for reading my rants over the last few weeks today I am feeling hurt isolated and all alone.

It’s 11:20 listening to Birdy and Shell has just made me a Turbo, after drinking it I feel better, the juice does not just help your internal digestives, but also helps the mind to be clear, missed out on it yesterday and I think I need to make sure I drink one everyday.

Nan has just arrived to take us all to the opticians we are supposed to be going out for coffee after and visiting the Apple store, but instead I am sulking and ruining it all for everyone, maybe I do not deserve to be happy!

Anyway they have all left without me, I sit alone. listen to sad music and type.

Shell has not read this post yet and I know it will upset her to read it, I do not want to hurt her feelings, make her feel sad or hurt her in anyway at all, I am full of selfish hatred that I am trying so hard to soften, so hard to let it go.

All I want is for someone to love me, hold me, feel me, genuinely care, and to know that when I look into their eyes they will never hurt me.

I love you Shell.

More than the stars in the sky.
More than the molecules in universe.
More than life itself.

It hurts so much to love you, it hurts so much to care.
But as long as I can feel you, I know you’ll always be there.

Sorry for my depressing post today but know this, sharing all of this with y’all has lifted a huge weight from my shoulders and by reading this your helping me heal by sharing your loving kindness and caring with me.

Thank you for caring I can feel all of you and will always have a hug in my heart for all that need it, my shoulder is always there for those who need it to cry on.

I am now going to listen to some Malcolm Huxter to heal my emotions.

Broken Shell

A Broken Shell

13:56 Shell arrived home about an hour ago, came right over to me and hugged me so tight, I really felt her and although the moment was short lived, it really felt special, she turned my face away from the computer and told me she had read my blog and was sorry for making me feel this way, we held each other for what seemed like an eternity but was really just a few minutes.

She went into the kitchen and made me a Turbo a while after drinking it I felt much better within, I know I have had an emo day today it is part of the healing process.

I had forgotten we had left over Chinese and soon had eaten quite a lot.

I know I have hurt you with what i have typed today, that was not my intention my love, but I am pleased that I did write this all down as it has eased my pain tremendously.

We try to carry on the rest of our day, now that I remember what its like to smile at someone whom loves you.

17:00 Shell went to the shops to buy a huge bag of feel good chemicals disguised as food.
I jumped right into the Strawberry Shortcake Häagen Dazs yum!

Although this stuff is bad for you it makes you feel better and as I am still anorexic, I need to eat as much as possible.

After a few spoons of Ice Cream I was done for now, I then hit some chocolate eclairs, argh, slurp, chocolate! nom… nom… nom…

Chocolate is an amazing healing device if you don’t eat too much, Greedy!

Loving Kindness, may all your hearts be filled with genuine compassion and joy, Namaste.

Psychological distress theories

Patrick Carnes (2001, p. 40) argues that when children are growing up, they develop “core beliefs” through the way that their family functions and treats them. A child brought up in a family that takes proper care of them has good chances of growing up well, having faith in other people, and having self worth. On the other hand, a child who grows up in a family that neglects them will develop unhealthy and negative core beliefs. They grow up to believe that people in the world do not care about them. Later in life, the person has trouble keeping stable relationships and feels isolated. Generally, addicts do not perceive themselves as worthwhile human beings (Carnes, Delmonico and Griffin, 2001, p. 40). They cope with these feelings of isolation and weakness by engaging in excessive sex (Poudat, 2005, p. 121).

According to Patrick Carnes the cycle begins with the “Core Beliefs” that sex addicts hold:[30]

  1. “I am basically a bad, unworthy person.”
  2. “No one would love me as I am.”
  3. “My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend on others.”
  4. “Sex is my most important need.”

These beliefs drive the addiction on its progressive and destructive course:[30]

  • Pain agent — First a pain agent is triggered / emotional discomfort (e.g. shame, anger, unresolved conflict). A sex addict is not able to take care of the pain agent in a healthy way.
  • Dissociation — Prior to acting out sexually, the sex addict goes through a period of mental preoccupation or obsession. Sex addict begins to dissociate (moves away from his or her feelings). A separation begins to take place between his or her mind and his or her emotional self.
  • Altered state of consciousness / a trance state / bubble of euphoric fantasized experience — Sex addict is emotionally disconnected and is pre-occupied with acting out behaviours. The reality becomes blocked out/distorted.
  • Preoccupation or “sexual pressure” — This involves obsessing about being sexual or romantic. Fantasy is an obsession that serves in some way to avoid life. The addict’s thoughts focus on reaching a mood-altering high without actually acting-out sexually. They think about sex to produce a trance-like state of arousal to eliminate the pain of reality. Thinking about sex and planning out how to reach orgasm can continue for minutes or hours before they move to the next stage of the cycle.
  • Ritualization or “acting out.” — These obsessions are intensified by ritualization or acting out. Ritualization helps distance reality from sexual obsession. Rituals induce trance and further separate the addict from reality. Once the addict begins the ritual, the chances of stopping that cycle diminish greatly. They give into the pull of the compelling sex act.
  • Sexual compulsivity — The next phase of the cycle is sexual compulsivity or “sex act”. The tensions the addict feels are reduced by acting on their sexual feelings. They feel better for the moment, thanks to the release that occurs. Compulsivity simply means that addicts regularly get to the point where sex becomes inevitable, no matter what the circumstances or the consequences. The compulsive act, which normally ends in orgasm, is perhaps the starkest reminder of the degradation involved in the addiction as the person realizes they are a slave to the addiction.
  • Despair — Almost immediately reality sets in, and the addict begins to feel ashamed. This point of the cycle is a painful place where the Addict has been many, many times. The last time the Addict was at this low point, they probably promised to never do it again. Yet once again, they act out and that leads to despair. They may feel they have betrayed spiritual beliefs, possibly a partner, and his or her own sense of integrity. At a superficial level, the addict hopes that this is the last battle.

According to Carnes, for many addicts, this dark emotion brings on depression and feelings of hopelessness. One easy way to cure feelings of despair is to start obsessing all over again. The cycle then perpetuates itself.[31]

Dr. Carnes mentions that:

Al Cooper (one of the original researchers in internet sex) described internet sex as the ‘crack cocaine’ of sexual addiction because it is an accelerant for adults of all stages of the lifespan. He felt that people would never have the problem if it had not been for the internet.

Day Twentyone:

Why does my heart feel so bad….

Why does my soul bleed so bad…

Another day of pooh I am afraid Shell got a phone call from her mate Rachel and immediately rushed off to look after her teenage kids as they have looked at porn and using the landline, why not simply block the sites from access on the router and put a pin on the phone?

As it turns out that when this was happening on day 19 Shell and Darren had prearranged to go and meet up and have sex in a field, they both lied to my face and have ruined nearly 20 years of friendship.

Dazza is coming down today we were supposed to be tidying the house and getting everything ready as Dan and Nina might come as well, this means we have to tidy up so that they all have somewhere to sleep.

As I cleaned the house they had met up and was fucking behind my back.

I have been up since yesterday crying and crying and crying I am an emotional wreck, I have know one to talk to as my best friend Simone whom I usually talk to when I have know one, can’t talk to me because she can hardly speak.

Both of us feel sick to our stomaches and I have no idea what will happen now.

Shell and I went to Costa and had lunch together with my Nan, I am trying so hard to forgive her as I know she loves me and she did admit everything to me, this has not been going on for long apparently it was all bollocks lust and jokes to start with that went over the line.

I hope that is the truth and if it is not there is nothing I can do about it, Loving kindness Darren Edwards may your life be filled with Loving Kindness and happiness I can forgive you but I do not think I will ever be able to be your friend.

I have just rolled Shell a joint with Tobacco in it I am not smoking any and stay as strong as I can, I feel alone and isolated and have know where to turn, I love Shell so much and it hurts less to forgive her than to hate her and let her go.

I hope that forgiving her is the right thing to do for the sake of the children as I do honestly be leave she loves me whole heartedly.

I am going to try every day to tell her I love her as the way I have treated her over the last few years was horrible and damn right torturous. I do claim my self for Shell feeling that she had to find someone else to feel loved as I had over time beaten her down to the point where not only is she scared of her own shadow but she felt alone and needed personal contact with another man to feel something.

I am so confused now but am trying not to be angry at all as all that will do is cause me pain.

All I want is Shell and I and the kids to be a family and love and care for each other, if that is what she wants then I will try with every part of my body and soul to make her feel loved and wanted so that she never feels she has to reach out for someone else.

I love you Shell and hope that I am not being a fool or taken for a ride as I honestly be leave what you told be true and that you genuinely did not want to break these things.

I doubt I will ever be able to talk to Simone again after all this I have lost life long friends and no I can’t even count them on one hand whom will I talk to when I am down.

No Turbo today I nearly smoked a cigarette just now and may even have one any way.

Well I am weak and have just smoked a joint with a very small amount of tobacco init and  a large amount of weed, it tasted horrible and I am struggling to smoke it but the endorphin release from the poisonous smoke attack on my central nervous system has calmed me no end, I am sure this will make a bit harder over the next few days to get by but I know that even though I have let my self down again there is no more cigarettes in the house and I am not buying any.

Please don’t hate me for smoking but I have still quit, maybe I just hate myself, I am classing this as another relapse.

I am weighing in now at 54 Kilos and have put on 5KG in three weeks.

Day Twenty:

Shell and I have had a good talk about the smoking and lying and she apologised for being a complete ass.
I bought her ten cigarettes yesterday as she really is struggling quitting just like that.
We are both trying to keep an eye on her smoking to break the habit yet still smoke now and again, she has done well so far other than lying about buying cigarettes she has actually cut down considerably, I am trying to  make sure that she smoke no more than three a day and not first thing in the morning after meals of with coffee and to think do I really want this cigarette? Do I really want to suck poisons into my body stick up my hair etc, this way of thinking is how I quit in the first place break the hold first.

Brent’s friend Kane Facetimed me last night about his PC, I said I would fix it for him FREE OFC…
unfortunately I have had it for about two weeks quitting smoking and all this detox has made me completely forget about it, Sorry Kane.

I promised that I would start it today for him so I had better get on with that, no excuses now as the house is clear and all the speakers are wired up, our new neighbours have banged abusively on our walls when we played some music they will have to just put up with it rude fucker’s, we have lived here for almost two years without a single problem before.

My son and I play electric guitars, my daughter plays keyboards and the Mrs plays saxophone we do not play late at night but the new neighbours starting complaining as soon as the music was switched on.

They should have spent more time investigating the area as in my opinion and others I have spoken to the new kid on the block has to fit in with every one around them and not the other way around.

There is a drummer very local whom plays a few times a week a noisy family that has fun on Fridays and every weekend here we get drunken bums giggling till the early hours, not that it bothers us to much but if the new neighbours are bothered by our low volume stereo they are in for a real treat when it starts to warm up lol.

Sold some old army gear for £15 and Shell went to Morrison’s this afternoon and got the ingredients together for some Turbos YAY finally got my lips around that scrummy goodness.

After the Pizza we had yesterday when Darren was here it certainly felt great to get some good stuff inside me.
Got plenty of ingredients for a few more days yet, so that is brilliant.

I screwed up and smoked one cigarette it is not the end of the world if you are quitting and smoke one don’t threat shit happens, just try not to do it again =)

I have not smoked any cigarettes since the other days single cigarette mistake.

Day Nineteen:

Why does my heart feel so bad….

Why does my soul bleed so bad…

Another day of pooh I am afraid Shell got a phone call from her mate Rachel and immediately rushed off to look after her teenage kids as they have looked at porn and using the landline, why not simply block the sites from access on the router and put a pin on the phone?

What that has to do with us is beyond me, but as always Shell says one thing and does another. Dazza is coming down today we were supposed to be tidying the house and getting everything ready as Dan and Nina might come as well, this means we have to tidy up so that they all have somewhere to sleep.

No Turbo again today grrrr, still not smoked and I do not feel so bad about it today, yesterday was hell.

My body is aching a lot, intact I am in a terrible amount of pain, I am finding it very hard to get through the days atm.
Shell has no idea how much I struggle to get things done as she is always sulking when I do it, I really am upset with her and do not feel we have a future at this rate we are just drifting apart faster and faster.

I am now going to struggle on and  get the kids some lunch.

When Shell finally came home last night after her sulk she left the front door unlocked and never set the alarm again, she has no idea about health and safety and house hold security and if it was not for me we would have burned to death been burgled or both.

Anyways it is lunch time I am going to try to make the kids and I something, no doubt Shell will use Amber’s birthday money to get more fags whilst she is out and keep using are arguments as an excuse to lie.

Day Eighteen:

Well I managed 17 days without cigarettes but did smoke one in a joint last night, I do not feel like I want to smoke today at all I think it was more to do with frustration of Shell buying the cigarettes behind my back in the first place.

I can’t blaim her or anyone else I smoked the damn thing.

I am promising myself never to do that again.

Hopefully my card will come today we are both really fed up with having no access to cash as I cut up the card, silly me.

Today we get some income it is just getting our hands on it. I am not going to reset my counter for smoking as long as I do not smoke anything at all I think that is fair enough.

I am hoping to be able to go shopping today and get a weeks supply of Turbo Express ingredients.

Nothing happened today as Shell went on a emo trip again and disappeared, smoked a load of fags and come home stinking she has been really emotional the last week and the fact she has been secretly smoking explains it.

Why she couldn’t just say hey I am finding this tough and let me know I have no idea she just did her name sake and Shelled it all up and said nothing as usual.

She is an even bigger liar than I first thought and todays actions just prove that she only cares about her self.

She says she had several cigarettes considering she had no money and only had two this morning where did they come from, I think she either spent Ambers money on more fags or begged people in the street either way she sucks.

I am fed up with her attitude and lies, time to move on.

I have not smoked anything at all and am feeling frustrated and bitter about the lies never mind I’ll get over it.

We never got any shopping Shell sulked and I cooked the kids dinner, I have really been struggling these past few weeks to get things done around the house, Shell just sleeps mainly.

It is 01:00am I am tired and humpy really struggled to get to sleep as I am so angry and hurt. I set the alarm before Shell came home only to have to get up and reset it after she had come home she never even locked the door, thanks love for making me struggle down the stairs to clear up your mess once again hope your fags where worth it.

The pasta she did not cook for the kids dinner still sits on the hob.

Even if I wanted to have my turbo today i.e I had the ingredients I would have still had to clean the kitchen from top to bottom just to make it, the agreements we had last week about the kids emptying the dishwasher have gone out of the window more of Shells lies.