A broken cigarette

All I have left are broken cigarettes, crumpled and torn, I’m broken and worn.
Tempers rage, for what seems like an age, a millennium of trouble.
On my knees I begged you, please please don’t go, without a care you left me there in pity on my own.
I pull out my hair, I smash my face, with every object I can place, I want not of this place.

See ya love he said to you, as he hugged goodbye to you, right in front of my eyes no wonder why I despise.
Your kisses are like shards of glass that softly cut my lips, the love I had is not gone, I fear its him that you miss.
It matters not what others say, it won’t be better another day, dropped like a stone.
You had sex while I cleaned our home, and waited for you spunk covered face to kiss me.

You said you loved me before you left, you even text after you was defiled, you held me close to your chest.
But his stench was apart of your style, there isn’t any hope, you fucked some other bloke.
Then rubbed him in my face, you said you did out the house, to hide from your disgrace.
But then you came back to brag, your bitter twisted fate, good bye cruel world.

I want to be alone, I kinda got used to it, with know one left to phone.
So I sit and ponder, there’s nothing more to do, but smoke a broken cigarette.
Wipe my mind of you, where are you going? You knew what you was doing.
Destroyer of dreams for a quick fuck, I knew what you was up to, but in my mind there is no doubt you wanted his corruption.

Day Fortyfour:

Yesterday was a day of letting go, today I feel much calmer and more still.
I was awoken once again by the phone this morning, it was the doctors rearranging our first maternity appointment.

I was told off by the wife today, she had noticed that I’d been moping around the house a bit to much this week and had done a lot less around the home, I humbly nodded and smiled and agreed to put in more effort and just got on with it.

She is of course right, I have my reasons for feeling down but at some point you have to snap out of it!

Before the affair Shell never really had the confidence to tell me off or let me know how she felt, since that time she has really opened up to me and is communicating with me on a much better level and I really appreciate it.

I am going to make the turbo’s today as Shell has done so for most of the week, time for me to kick into gear and get some housework done, dusting and hoovering time me thinks.

I am really pleased with her no smoking progress considering everything that is going on in our lives right now I know quitting smoking for her has been really difficult. It makes me proud that your strong enough to just quit! I have started to wonder what else you can do and it excites me.

11:23

Shell is upstairs sorting out the washing, the kids still have not learned to put their dirty linen in the basket, but instead choose to toss it down the side of the bed for poor ole Mum to deal with!

12:31

Just sat in the garden and felt the sun come over the house upon my back, the heat radiates up my spine and relieves some of my tension.

My mind is cloudy again today but it is more like a wisp than a fog, I am clear of mind but certainly not of body.
It isn’t that I stumble with my thoughts it is more of a case of loosing focus.

Although the sun on my back and the cannabis has helped and relieved some pain my fatigue has increased considerably, that seems to be the problem using cannabis as a pain relief, although it is rather good you succumb to the  stone, I guess that is why they call it dope!

I smoked, sat and closed my eyes and just relaxed a while.

I just went up stairs to offer to help out, Shell seems to think there is nothing for me to do we really have to change that.

She has started a blog and said she was working on it as I entered the room.
I got a little paranoid about catching her on her phone typing, but trusted her because regardless of what she was doing I have to forget to forgive.

I love you honey, I can tell that all of this is bothering you and your emotions are all over the place because of the pregnancy, I promised to stand by you and hold that promise dearly.

Today has been a good day, with good conversation however painful.

Time to ring my support worker and start the process of getting some Psychodynamic therapy.

Unfortunately the soonest I can arrange for my support worker to even visit the GP is two weeks time, helping your self is not an easy process and when intervention not prevention is the key motto and motivation of the mental health services all I can do is patiently wait.

13:48

I sent Shell an intimate email regarding how I feel right now, I didn’t publish it yet as she is still to respond and somethings in our lives should remain private, at least for now.

15:14

School run time I am feeling vulnerable today, my senses are on full alert and I am having trouble keeping the tears in.
I do not feel anger, just hurt, pain and  sorrow, I feel like I’m a babbling idiot, damn Fibro Fog.

Still havnt done the turbo’s I have a total lack of motivation and energy today, my whole body is drained and seems to have ceased to function.

I have managed to get the ingredients out and all that is left to do is to actually juice this stuff, ho hum at least I am half way there.

19:13

We had some family over for food, we all had a huge fry up, Shell cooked it and it was lovely.
I went to have a bath tonight and run it got it full of bubbles then a damn wasp stung me five times on the foot ouch!

Day Thirty:

Black Eyed Peas – Where Is The Love

That day it all went right!

Wow what a morning, I keep waking up in a somewhat unhappy way, it seems to take me some hours to get my shit together so to speak.

I have a doctors appointment today and am looking forward to going to Costa Coffee with Shell and Amber as she is having a day off school.

Shell made me a Turbo around 11:00 ish and they really help to free your mind.
I am going to concentrate today on the smoking side of things as I have noticed since smoking just one or two cigarets per day that my emotional state is much more quirky, aggressive and frustrated.

It is not only me that has noticed it both Shell and I are a bit more tense due to smoking, both of us have decided for our selves that smoking actually decreases your enthusiasm, increases your tension and stress and damn right stinks.

So today we have to go to the doctors, time to let them know I have not taken my meds for 30 days, I wonder what the response will be.

12:00

Dazza contacted me ouch!

At about 12:00 o’clock Darren contacted me with what he called some closure, there was nothing in what he said that I did not already know but it did take me some time to admit it all to myself and sift through the bullshit.

I copied what he said from in a private Facebook conversation, it was written on a mobile phone and had the tone of anger and resentment.

A lot of, if not all of it is true and describes me as a dark person full of hate and resentment, I am not that man, and although I can’t deny any of what he said, what has happened is know where near as bad as it reads.

Is that me trying to make myself better, think of it as you will, I know what I am, and what I am not, what is written below is defiantly something I am not.

I am not a perfect Human by no means, drugs are bad hmm kay!

This is what he said pasted from a private Facebook message no holds barred the real me right?

Thought id drop a line, not for any other reason than to hopefully maybe give you some sort of closure..seems u need it….i did wat I did for my own reasons and has a result me and simone have parted company..i know in myself wat I did was wrong, and in a way I took the cowards way out..the easy route..i will only live with the regret that I should of had the balls to be honest with simone and myself and my children and the hurt ive caused them..i will never forgive myself for that…i know in time my kids will get past this and come out the other side stronger…the same goes for simone..that girl is one in a million and she will someday find someone who will love and appriciate her in a way I never could.

Has for our friendship, ive been questioning why I was ever your friend in the first place…everything you are goes against the grain…i suppose it was out of pitty and feeling sorry for you…you seem to find reasons for being the way you are because of other factors in your life…weather it shell, your up bring or what ever…when in the real world it all your own doing…i cant think of any reason why someone should have cause to beat there partner, make there kids feel so scared they dare not speak in case dad gets angry..and all the while shell puts up with it and allows them kids to witness your tantrums..dunno whos the sadest between ya both…you seem to find it hard to do things that everyone else does on a daily basis, or rather have to because thats how it is…dont get me wrong I share the same feeling about life has you do, but I dont allow it to effect others around me to the point its detrimental and then blame them others for the situation you put yaself into…then releasing them frustration out on the mrs through physical and mental abuse…all signs of pure guilt.

You seem to need praise for doing things that should be natural to u stu…your insecuritys are so profound your at the point where you could never sustain yourself without the help of others…probly the only real reason youve allowed shell to stick around…lets face with out her your fucked, and its your guilt for the way you treat her too thats also an important factor to why youve allowed her to stay…end of day she has every right to leave u and u have no right to kick her out..what a fucked up situation to be in.

You claim you love her…so why not let her go if thats the case..why?..for the reasons above..all selfish ones…i hope for shells sake and them kids sake she will do something about that one day..but then again shes just has selfish has you, in the sense that if she cant leave you for the sake of them kids then she cant really be thinking of them now can she..i mean who would allow there kids to go throughy that..do u realise wat you do to them on daily basis…no women in there right mind would put up with your bull shit u dish out…i fear you will lose them kids oneday.

Never belive that me and shell was ever gonna run off together..we may have done wat we done, but in my mind I could never see her has a long term partner..mainly for the fact that if she can do it to you, she would do it to me…not up for an untrusting relationship…for me now it will be many years before I even concider setteling down again if at all..i need to find out wat I want from life and who I am first before I get to that stage.

I hope you sort your problems out stu..i really do..but until you find strength to carry yaself and stop relying on others to clear your shit up and pick up the pieces, I fear your will lose those closest to you…its time you took responsability and face the fact that you are where u are because of YOU….

Up to you what you do with this letter…this will be the last time you hear from me…no doubt this wil go on your daily blog to try and make you feel better about yourself, and gain some sort of sympathy,or “inner peace”…..i hold my hands up for wat I did, and im no saint and a cunt for wat ive done to my family, but the end of the day I can say ive been pretty consistant up until now, in looking after my kids, and never abusing simone in the way you have towards shell and your kids….and never taking it out on them for my failings in life.

Good luck to you stu..hope life really turns out for the best…i do fear it wont…hope you prove me wrong for you, shell and most of all them kids.

I did reply to him my full but short and sweet answer was.

Thank you for being honest, I feel your hate and resentment you are absolutely right about me and although I could have been nasty that is not my intention, I thank you for being the only person to be honest to me, if that is honestly how you feel than that is okay. I know I have been a bad person and thanks to you I see it clearly now, not because of this letter but because of the kick in the arse you gave me, for that I thank you.

I hope after righting this you feel better as sharing your feelings about something is what it is all about it, I wish you hadn’t tried to destroy me the way you did as that makes you as bad a person as I, using Shell for your own sexual pleasure abusing her trust and friendship psychologically.

Now you have nothing except your own guilt to contend with and I have had an eye opening experience that has shown me exactly where I was going wrong, I am trying to be a better Human being, I often get it wrong.

Now that I know our friendship was false that allows me to heal some more, Shell and I are stronger than ever and the kids are great, we are all spending much more time together and have been enjoying the simpler things in life.

This is all thanks to you, so do not beat your self up in shame and hate I forgive you.

May your heart be files with genuine loving kindness Darren, I hope your find happiness in your heart, Namaste.14:31

Unfortunately Darren can smile as he managed to get Shell and I a little pissed off, not with each other but with the situation in general, he even Liked my post on Facebook as odd as that is, we have had a really good heart to heart today and I feel that we will make it together, so long as I continue to do what I have been doing over the last month, everything will be alright, I wan’t to look for some kind of work, I have applied as a volunteer for the Venus Project to get some regular routine in my life, and what is better than working on something you love, Humanitarianism and peace.

What he says above is all true although highly exaggerated, I have lived my life with shame and indignity, but that does not mean I am a bad person, I post this not for your pity or sympathy although a hug would be nice, but to share my journey of healing, I do not hate, I am a kind and gentil person whom was consumed with hate and fear, call it excuses call it reasons, I call it simply being lost in the slavery of life.

At about one o’clock Home bid called us, wow we can actually view a property, we are living in temporary rented accommodations and this is the first time we have had a property to view we are all excited as although it is social housing it would be a permanent home.

15:00 Doctors never happened!

17:00 Coffee never happened!

18:00 Shell is cooking the dinner, I think after the day we have a had we will simply snuggle up and watch a film, we have both had a lot to deal with today and after our conversation earlier I know we are strong enough to get though this and move on, I am not the devil or a person of hate, but someone that is tired of the way society lives its life.

I have spent a very long time complaining about it and doing nothing this has led me to live my life with resentment fear and hate.

But this is not who I am, this is not who I was, this is what I allowed the bullshit in life to turn me into.

Namaste, please forgive me!

07 mindfulness of heart mind 

by Leo Ryokan

Day Twentyone:

Why does my heart feel so bad….

Why does my soul bleed so bad…

Another day of pooh I am afraid Shell got a phone call from her mate Rachel and immediately rushed off to look after her teenage kids as they have looked at porn and using the landline, why not simply block the sites from access on the router and put a pin on the phone?

As it turns out that when this was happening on day 19 Shell and Darren had prearranged to go and meet up and have sex in a field, they both lied to my face and have ruined nearly 20 years of friendship.

Dazza is coming down today we were supposed to be tidying the house and getting everything ready as Dan and Nina might come as well, this means we have to tidy up so that they all have somewhere to sleep.

As I cleaned the house they had met up and was fucking behind my back.

I have been up since yesterday crying and crying and crying I am an emotional wreck, I have know one to talk to as my best friend Simone whom I usually talk to when I have know one, can’t talk to me because she can hardly speak.

Both of us feel sick to our stomaches and I have no idea what will happen now.

Shell and I went to Costa and had lunch together with my Nan, I am trying so hard to forgive her as I know she loves me and she did admit everything to me, this has not been going on for long apparently it was all bollocks lust and jokes to start with that went over the line.

I hope that is the truth and if it is not there is nothing I can do about it, Loving kindness Darren Edwards may your life be filled with Loving Kindness and happiness I can forgive you but I do not think I will ever be able to be your friend.

I have just rolled Shell a joint with Tobacco in it I am not smoking any and stay as strong as I can, I feel alone and isolated and have know where to turn, I love Shell so much and it hurts less to forgive her than to hate her and let her go.

I hope that forgiving her is the right thing to do for the sake of the children as I do honestly be leave she loves me whole heartedly.

I am going to try every day to tell her I love her as the way I have treated her over the last few years was horrible and damn right torturous. I do claim my self for Shell feeling that she had to find someone else to feel loved as I had over time beaten her down to the point where not only is she scared of her own shadow but she felt alone and needed personal contact with another man to feel something.

I am so confused now but am trying not to be angry at all as all that will do is cause me pain.

All I want is Shell and I and the kids to be a family and love and care for each other, if that is what she wants then I will try with every part of my body and soul to make her feel loved and wanted so that she never feels she has to reach out for someone else.

I love you Shell and hope that I am not being a fool or taken for a ride as I honestly be leave what you told be true and that you genuinely did not want to break these things.

I doubt I will ever be able to talk to Simone again after all this I have lost life long friends and no I can’t even count them on one hand whom will I talk to when I am down.

No Turbo today I nearly smoked a cigarette just now and may even have one any way.

Well I am weak and have just smoked a joint with a very small amount of tobacco init and  a large amount of weed, it tasted horrible and I am struggling to smoke it but the endorphin release from the poisonous smoke attack on my central nervous system has calmed me no end, I am sure this will make a bit harder over the next few days to get by but I know that even though I have let my self down again there is no more cigarettes in the house and I am not buying any.

Please don’t hate me for smoking but I have still quit, maybe I just hate myself, I am classing this as another relapse.

I am weighing in now at 54 Kilos and have put on 5KG in three weeks.

Day Twenty:

Shell and I have had a good talk about the smoking and lying and she apologised for being a complete ass.
I bought her ten cigarettes yesterday as she really is struggling quitting just like that.
We are both trying to keep an eye on her smoking to break the habit yet still smoke now and again, she has done well so far other than lying about buying cigarettes she has actually cut down considerably, I am trying to  make sure that she smoke no more than three a day and not first thing in the morning after meals of with coffee and to think do I really want this cigarette? Do I really want to suck poisons into my body stick up my hair etc, this way of thinking is how I quit in the first place break the hold first.

Brent’s friend Kane Facetimed me last night about his PC, I said I would fix it for him FREE OFC…
unfortunately I have had it for about two weeks quitting smoking and all this detox has made me completely forget about it, Sorry Kane.

I promised that I would start it today for him so I had better get on with that, no excuses now as the house is clear and all the speakers are wired up, our new neighbours have banged abusively on our walls when we played some music they will have to just put up with it rude fucker’s, we have lived here for almost two years without a single problem before.

My son and I play electric guitars, my daughter plays keyboards and the Mrs plays saxophone we do not play late at night but the new neighbours starting complaining as soon as the music was switched on.

They should have spent more time investigating the area as in my opinion and others I have spoken to the new kid on the block has to fit in with every one around them and not the other way around.

There is a drummer very local whom plays a few times a week a noisy family that has fun on Fridays and every weekend here we get drunken bums giggling till the early hours, not that it bothers us to much but if the new neighbours are bothered by our low volume stereo they are in for a real treat when it starts to warm up lol.

Sold some old army gear for £15 and Shell went to Morrison’s this afternoon and got the ingredients together for some Turbos YAY finally got my lips around that scrummy goodness.

After the Pizza we had yesterday when Darren was here it certainly felt great to get some good stuff inside me.
Got plenty of ingredients for a few more days yet, so that is brilliant.

I screwed up and smoked one cigarette it is not the end of the world if you are quitting and smoke one don’t threat shit happens, just try not to do it again =)

I have not smoked any cigarettes since the other days single cigarette mistake.

Day Nineteen:

Why does my heart feel so bad….

Why does my soul bleed so bad…

Another day of pooh I am afraid Shell got a phone call from her mate Rachel and immediately rushed off to look after her teenage kids as they have looked at porn and using the landline, why not simply block the sites from access on the router and put a pin on the phone?

What that has to do with us is beyond me, but as always Shell says one thing and does another. Dazza is coming down today we were supposed to be tidying the house and getting everything ready as Dan and Nina might come as well, this means we have to tidy up so that they all have somewhere to sleep.

No Turbo again today grrrr, still not smoked and I do not feel so bad about it today, yesterday was hell.

My body is aching a lot, intact I am in a terrible amount of pain, I am finding it very hard to get through the days atm.
Shell has no idea how much I struggle to get things done as she is always sulking when I do it, I really am upset with her and do not feel we have a future at this rate we are just drifting apart faster and faster.

I am now going to struggle on and  get the kids some lunch.

When Shell finally came home last night after her sulk she left the front door unlocked and never set the alarm again, she has no idea about health and safety and house hold security and if it was not for me we would have burned to death been burgled or both.

Anyways it is lunch time I am going to try to make the kids and I something, no doubt Shell will use Amber’s birthday money to get more fags whilst she is out and keep using are arguments as an excuse to lie.

Day Eighteen:

Well I managed 17 days without cigarettes but did smoke one in a joint last night, I do not feel like I want to smoke today at all I think it was more to do with frustration of Shell buying the cigarettes behind my back in the first place.

I can’t blaim her or anyone else I smoked the damn thing.

I am promising myself never to do that again.

Hopefully my card will come today we are both really fed up with having no access to cash as I cut up the card, silly me.

Today we get some income it is just getting our hands on it. I am not going to reset my counter for smoking as long as I do not smoke anything at all I think that is fair enough.

I am hoping to be able to go shopping today and get a weeks supply of Turbo Express ingredients.

Nothing happened today as Shell went on a emo trip again and disappeared, smoked a load of fags and come home stinking she has been really emotional the last week and the fact she has been secretly smoking explains it.

Why she couldn’t just say hey I am finding this tough and let me know I have no idea she just did her name sake and Shelled it all up and said nothing as usual.

She is an even bigger liar than I first thought and todays actions just prove that she only cares about her self.

She says she had several cigarettes considering she had no money and only had two this morning where did they come from, I think she either spent Ambers money on more fags or begged people in the street either way she sucks.

I am fed up with her attitude and lies, time to move on.

I have not smoked anything at all and am feeling frustrated and bitter about the lies never mind I’ll get over it.

We never got any shopping Shell sulked and I cooked the kids dinner, I have really been struggling these past few weeks to get things done around the house, Shell just sleeps mainly.

It is 01:00am I am tired and humpy really struggled to get to sleep as I am so angry and hurt. I set the alarm before Shell came home only to have to get up and reset it after she had come home she never even locked the door, thanks love for making me struggle down the stairs to clear up your mess once again hope your fags where worth it.

The pasta she did not cook for the kids dinner still sits on the hob.

Even if I wanted to have my turbo today i.e I had the ingredients I would have still had to clean the kitchen from top to bottom just to make it, the agreements we had last week about the kids emptying the dishwasher have gone out of the window more of Shells lies.