Day Fiftyseven:

I am a somewhat over emotional person, but with that comes passion enthusiasm and drive.
Until recently though, that drive was stuck in reverse and the gear knob broke.

Recent events of past, force me to reevaluate life, a more positive out look is defiantly forming, as I release my mind to all that cares to notice, I let go of the tournament that often plagues it.

Today has been a roller coaster ride of ups and downs, highs and lows, a sharp sudden stop!
And a wake up call.

Let me explain, today Shell opened up to me, probably due to pressure of my line of questioning.
Finally I get some respite as to why she had the affair in the first place, thank you.

Perhaps now my sleep will be less torrential.

She says that she had lost sight of who I was, who she was, the medication had taken me to a very dark, cold and lonely place, due to her love she walked there with me and got lost in the shadows and begged for a hand to rescue her but none came, she was isolated cold and lonely.

One finally came along from a friend she trusted for many years, she desperately grasped at it, wanting to just be noticed, held, told everything would be okay. He deceitfully tricked her with a web of lies for his own selfish sexual desires. Then dropped her like a stone into a pond of torment, she returns home to her true love to lick his wounds and watch his anguish muster.

She still loved me deeply but we hadn’t talked for months, I was asleep when she was awake and visa versa. Our days, weeks months had been spent in a bitter torment or ignoring each other and the only real closeness was sexual and non trivial chit chat.

Even that had become a chore to us due to my health, she wanted to feel something, anything, she had an affair, I cut myself, I understand now and let go of a huge weight, I feel lighter.

I didn’t feel this way at all she is everything to me, but the place I had been visiting for a very long time bought me so very close to death and nearly cost me my love, losing you is so much worse than dying.

We where both deeply depressed, lost, living each day as it comes.

I had nearly died twice in the last year from prescribed medication overdoses, the pressure of life had torn apart our being, we had lost our selves, our way, blocked by doors of our own doing and life’s consequence.

The year before we had been evicted from our home, our landlady sold our house and during the move Shells Dad passed away, the stress and pressure of it all was killing her inside, she said nothing.
I just hid away and ignored everything and everyone, I wasn’t there to hold her hand, to comfort her.

I was so lost in pain and self torment I never even went to the funeral, its no surprise I lost you my love, looking back it surprises me that you still love me as much as you do.

I feel for you, your heart is aching to and my only concern was with my own.
I am sorry for not considering you and the effects this has had on your feelings.

Her openness and honesty hurt like hell but I must thank her, as after the waterfall of tears I feel confident that our future, is not some imaginary dream, but a real goal we can actually achieve.

Although this post seems filled with gloom and doom its more like simple reminiscence, as last night after making passionate love and caressing each other for many hours Shell, gently stroked my face, turned me towards her, looked deep in my eyes and asked me to marry her.

Shock horror!

WOW! I am finally going to be a proper husband and not one living out of wedlock.

Eighteen years ago on her birthday the 25th of April I asked her to marry me, she still has the receipt for the ring from the second-hand jewellers shop all this time later.

Since then I have asked her hundreds of times and due to the nature of our relationship, life and her fear of commitment I assume, she has never really taken marriage seriously.

For her to come out with it like that now after all this time means everything to me.

I call her my wife because to me she already is, we even all have the same names so the kids didn’t have different names to the parents.

She now asks that I take her to be my lawfully wedded wife, under the eyes of God.

And I gracefully and ecstatically accepted.

I still had problems with shooting my mouth of today although much less virulent and controlled.
I walked myself upstairs had a bath calmed my self and came back down, my counsellor said that it is suppressed rage and resentment, and is often caused from simply being nice to the person or people whom have hurt you.

She suggested that I need some form of release to let the steam out of the kettle, as at the moment I have no way for it to escape except for via my mouth and this blog.

I know writing this all down is healing me tremendously, God! forbid what I would be like else.

I do, I do, I do.

I will honour and obey you my love.

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