Synchronistic joyous nowness

Got to love the Universe manifesting is so sweet people, live in the now, be present with the abundance, see all the beautifully synchronistic opportunities that present them selves not only from a place of love by the situation to which you find your self, whilst feelings of joy and gratitude become your very being, for this is living, thriving, loving every second of life, the learning growing journey, an evolution of mind, body, spirit and soul

This week I thank The Ascended Masters for their guidance, their patience, their wisdom and their profound outer bodily experiences of love, I have travelled instantaneously across the universe in a flash of knowledge, like a download and upload synchronously processing, witnessing and experiencing healing and vibrations of the purest forms.

The wrong application downloaded the wrong magazine.
Only it was the right magazine because it lead to energy healing, teaching and enlightenment.

I bumped into Shambhalla Reiki, Oneness vibration, duality and flames.

Diamond and miracle vibrations, attunements many, love and light feels me with life.

Good deeds a many, to council do I go, help is on its way from the normal man you know.

Bumped into a good friend, another being of light, chatted a coffee, spoke later that night.

A message from a stranger, Senegal festival town.
Drummer light, rainbow sound, dancing through the night.

I am honoured and excited, humbled and courteous, Stu.

Day Fortynine:

I am really getting behind with my progress but today is back on track XD.

Got up quite late today at around lunchtime, Shell had a private first appointment with a midwife as the topics to be discussed where not things I wanted to hear due to the affair, on a positive note everything is going well thus far although the literature and information Shell came home with from the midwife scared the life out of me.

Apparently due to her age she has a higher chance 1 in 105 of down syndrome and very soon we will be able to scan the baby to make sure everything is okay.

I have had a lots of bad images in my mind today of Shell and Darren, I am reframing them all and they are not hurting anywhere near as much, especially after our conversation we had recently about how used and abused she feels about the way he treated her.

She has not opened up to me before about this and I am pleased that she has, I know it is painful for me to hear her explain how he made her feel, she said that she felt disappointed she thought he was her friend, she felt disgusted, abused and that he is not the person she thought he was, but a person who’s only concerns where his own self pleasure and jealously of what we have.

In a way I wish I had never asked, but Shell has been more peaceful today I think that she really needed to let go of her hate for Darren as he clearly hurt her as well as everyone else purely due to his own selfishness.

Due to the nature of things she has had to have STI, and full blood work tests, results to follow!

I love you Shell with all my heart and soul and thank you for yesterday as we had a perfect day of loving kindness with the family and I look forward to many more of them in the future.


Shell has left to go back to the doctors as the midwife suggested she have a quick check-up.


I have just had a turbo and wow that feels good, Shell has been looking after me today as I am feeling low and due to the dank weather my body aches.

I just looked out of the window and noticed the sun rise above the clouds, fantastic I am going to sit in the garden in a while and just relax and be at one with nature.

Shell just got back, I keep bursting into tears today, I am not saying anything hurtful and am keeping the vengeance inside of my mind as after such a perfect day yesterday I do not want to spoil it.

Day Fortythree:



his success led to resentment from critics: bitterness, indignation, irritation, pique, dissatisfaction, disgruntlement, discontentment, discontent, resentfulness, bad feelings, hard feelings, ill will, acrimony, rancor, animosity, jaundice; envy, jealousy

Resentment is often at the heart of conflict. It’s the kind of anger that says, “I don’t deserve this” and “you are wrong.” So it’s not just an emotion; it makes claims about how you think you deserve to be treated, and that someone has not complied with that expectation.


I was rudely awoken really early this morning by the telephone ringing, it had rung to the point of frustration, to that point where you knew that if you had only got up to answer it; it would have stopped already!

Shell and the kids had left for school it was about 8:30 am the first time it called, it then rang over and over till about 09:30 am, I got up, hobbled down the stairs and answered it to a dial tone.

It rang shortly afterwards it was Shell’s friend whom is undergoing a difficult break up, she wanted to speak with her urgently!

She asked me if she had woken me up, I grumpily replied YES, told her to call her mobile and promptly hung up.

I must admit I do care for Shell’s friend dearly but her relationship problems are causing background stress and problems with ours, this is mainly due to the worry it causes Shell and her friends stress rubs of onto her making Shell stressed out. She has been calling at really inconvenient times, not her fault I know, often in the middle of dinner, a family film, and more frequently interrupting us talking when the kids are asleep.

I couldn’t sleep last night, no nightmares or bad images, but the pain in my spine kept me tossing and turning in anguish, thwarting my rest, I remember looking at the clock on my phone, I keep it under my pillow; it said 04:53 am.

Having only a few hours sleep is not good for a FM sufferer, I am full of Fibro Fog today, my mind feels numb and cloudy and I am having a hard time concentrating on what the hell I am doing, yet alone what I’m saying.

My back hurts and feels like it is twisted, buckled, crushed and trampled, my ankles cause severe discomfort when I put weight on them and I have pins and needles down the left side of my body, emotionally, I am completely drained, my batteries are not depleted they have been completely removed, Apple Menu / Shut Down.


Shell made an unscheduled trip to the doctors this morning as she had cramps in her belly, she is okay thankfully but my anxt has been increased as the doctor made the conception dates closer to the affair date.

If I am completely honest this news terrorized my emotions and I freaked out, RED ALERT! Shields up!

For the first time since this happened almost six weeks ago, I threw everything in Shells face all at once, please forgive me my love, it pains me to see you cry.

I feel so terrible and bitter, how can I say I love her the way I do and still feel so much pain and resentment?

I know we can fix this, today I feel that it was me that broke a string on our bow of love and not the other way around.

Although it is not my fault what happened, I should not have been so mean and inconsiderate to your feelings today.

Afterwards you smiled at me and said lets start the day again and I am pleased that you think I am worth that, I thank you for being so strong, I am liking this new more positive and affirmative you it suits you beautifully.

Sigh, today I let my brain and my emotions get the better of me, there is no excuse for it what so ever!

Apologising after the fact when you have said some really unthoughtful and hurtful things seems pointless, how ever I did try really hard to explain to Shell how looking at the calendar and figuring out conception dates to date how far she is gone was extremely hard for me to deal with, I found out Shell had the affair on my daughters birthday I only just realised this fact to be the case and Darren had come down that weekend and both of them knew of the occasion.

In addition to this we have received contact from him twice in the last week, and from others chatting malicious chants of upsetting propaganda.

I know I acted harshly and said a lot things I really shouldn’t have, how does one control the tongue’s ravenous tone?

For the first time since this tragedy, I actually lost it, all down to pure resentment, and for that I am truly despondent!

I was not thinking about what I was saying, how much it hurt, or even who was listening, at one point I was crying and ranting to my self on my own in the front room in turmoil, in a tantrum of fear, I wandered around the room crying and dribbling on myself.

I guess there will be days like this and I am thankful that they have been very few and far between, I have counselling tonight with Relate and am going to ask them to concentrate on my emotional outbursts as it is these that are putting pressure on both us and our healing.

Shell’s Mum has been saying she is worried about me, she worries because she feels I am trying to hard, maybe I am but what more can I do?

I have to try harder, clearly as I am still having times where my emotional pain is passing on to others and tormenting them.


Shell made us both a Turbo and then went to pick up our son from School.

Apart from the turmoil this morning we have had a good day, the sun is shining once again and I am going to sit in it’s healing light and just be still.

I have learnt a very valuable lesson today, that we all must be responsible not only for our actions but also for our words.


Shell just sent me a text I know she won’t mind me publishing it’s contents.

Shell says:

I love you so very much, you are everything my heart desires, I thank you for staying with me and wish you happiness and joy.

I said:

Namaste my Queen, may the light of our love shine eternal.


My support worker from YOU has just left and I went through the events of the last month once again, it does not matter how many times I speak about what happened it hurts just the same, I wish I could simply erase it from my mind.

She has known Shell and I for about a year now and was surprised her self at what had happened, there wasn’t any thing really to say or to do except to arrange some things regarding our move and sort out some paperwork.


Appointment with Relate for my first counselling session!
I’ll write about how that went later, no doubt I will have to traumatise my self again explaining to the counsellor what’s up, but I know that this will help us heal.


Just got back from my appointment with Relate I had a cry and a chat about it with Shell for about forty five minutes, she is now relaxing in the bath so I have some time to share my first appointment experience.

Wow! that was tough.

I arrived for my first appointment to Relate (Relationship counselling) apprehensive and anxious, I booked in at reception and was greeted with a smile, I was asked to wait in a small waiting room off to the side, it was painted white, and was very clinical, it had half a dozen chairs, I hadn’t noticed at first and thought they was all red, except for the one I was sitting on as it was green in colour, trust me to pick the odd one ^^

Multiple informational brochures, advice leaflets and such adorned the walls, As my eyes met up with the paraphernalia I started to notice the subject lines of the said pamphlets.

Subjects such as Has your partner been unfaithful? Suffering from the effects of an Affair? etc…
It is a relationship counselling service, so of course one would expect them to have literature on such subjects, for me though each and every one of them popped out as though to taunt me, then I burst into tears.

It wasn’t long before the counsellor popped her head around the corner, assumed it was me as I was alone and we headed towards another room.

This is where the roller coaster of torment, emotions and hap hazard babbling began.
It is not that the counsellor made me feel uneasy or that I felt ashamed of being there but letting it all out made my chest hurt, and my breath became irate and obtrusive.

She calmly passed me a tissue from a nearby box and patiently awaited my conformity.
After I got myself together she began to ask me a series of questions some of which where extremely painful to think about not alone answer.

Because of my pharmaceutical addiction, previous violent behaviour, our relationship problems, death in the family and the fact we had been evicted from a home recently she suggested that to treat me for relationship counselling I must first or as well as have psychodynamic therapy, this requires me to see a GP and get refereed, hopefully my support worker can assist me in arranging this as I really want to make our relationship work but I must address my own mental health issues first and for most if we are to get anywhere.

Shell is going there the same time next week, hopefully she won’t be considered as mad as me so she can get immediate help, I on the other hand am going to have to wait a while on a waiting list of some months before getting any help at all.

Overall it was a tough experience but I did feel some form of peace as I left the building and headed home.
It was worth going, it was my first step, unfortunately for me the next time I get some counselling might be a while, and the counsellor did say I needed assistance to help myself and there is nothing wrong with that.

TTFN, Namaste!

Words are Weapons by Eminem

Related articles:

The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind

The soul always knows what to do the heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind

The soul always knows what to do the heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind

Often we find our selves battling our inner demons, the voices in our mind that torture us with their whining and pity.
Know that this is your voice, you are talking to your self, it is normal, it is okay, try changing those nasty voices in your mind to something more comical like mickey mouse or road runner, meep meep, I am sure if you think of a daft and silly voice to replace the idiots in your mind you to can see the funny side of the darker side of life.

I ask that you take a moment today, to silence the mind.

Sit comfortably

Close your eyes

Just relax

Just be

Related reading:

Related articles:

Day Fortytwo:

I awoke this morning and Shell made me a mocha, we had a little light-hearted chat about the affair and baby dates as we held each others hands.

These conversations still fill me with anxt and pain, at least that is easing over time, looking at her so radiantly pregnant and glowing with life erased those demons from my mind and filled me with love and joy.

I had a little cry to myself then pulled my self together, Shell hugged me, looked right at me and told me she truly loved me and that she was sorry for hurting me so deeply, I cried some more, looked deep into her eyes, almost wanten, told her that I loved her and smiled sweetly.

We hugged for a while and just stared into each others eyes, It amazes me that after everything we have been through over the last seventeen years, half of my life almost, that we still love each other so dearly, so passionately.

I do not think that love is something we should try to understand, just feel. trying to understand love makes you ask questions like, Why do they love me? Why am I special? Who would want to love me anyway?

If you feel love, do not try to question or analysis it, just feel it, share it with your significant other, a friend or even a stranger; just a simple smile as you pass on by and go about your day.

I spent some time today reading a dads guide to pregnancy as before I have not really bothered to understand the process, as sad as that sounds I do not think I had enough emotional attachment, understanding and maturity.

This time around I am really trying to help Shell get through it both mentally and physically, she is almost forty now and it is about time I made that extra effort she deserves, I can honestly say that having two paths to walk one of hate and resentment and the other of love and light has not been easy, but I know in my heart that the path of love and light is the right one to follow and now I have made my choice the darkness feels distant and not so vociferous.

The landline has been ringing and ringing, I have ignored it as I just want to deal with my own troubles of mind and selfishly ignore everybody else’s just for one day, I sit in the sun absorb the healing light of the universe and heal some.

I have not done my turbo on time again, I think I will have to change that schedule as I seem to have them later in the day, time to get some pain relief (Cannabis), eat something and sit in the sun as yet again it is another absolutely gorgeous day!


Just realised the time, I have to wake up Shell as my son needs picking up from school, Nan saves the day again by offering to pick him up, thank you nanny, you are so wonderful.


Shell is making turbos; yippee, I will clean up afterwards, she has really noticed a huge difference drinking juice makes to your life, even after such a short time. Since she quit smoking just over five days ago now she has juiced everyday, her skin looks healthier and she seems to have more body-mind energy as do I, go go juice!

Once the kids are home from school, we hope to take a stroll down to the anti-smoking clinic for our weekly advice meeting.


I have just spent some time healing by sitting in the sun, I sat on the wooden decking in our garden, I closed my eyes, inhaled a few calm deep breaths, and let everything go from my mind.

Sitting there I could hear the noise and motion of the neighbours, building works, mowing of the lawn, cars and people passing by, it is fantastic how much more aware of the world you are when you just sit and listen.

In a moment of peace and bliss everything become still, I felt at one with nature, the world the universe.

I could still hear the hustle and bustle of life but it had become a distant white noise, I could hear loudly and clearly in my mind the sound of the wind as it brushed past my face, tickling my arms with its gesture, the song of the birds engaging in chatter.

It is moments like this although short that I know that life is love and love is life.

Nan just arrived with my son she picked him up from school bless her, time to make some tea I guess =P

A fellow blogger liked a post of mine and like you do I returned the visit, they had a video on their blog that is an incredible healing tool and extremely inspiring.

Here it is please visit the Alternate Economy blog.

Balanced Emotions

Day Fortyone:

What is with this timeline thing on Facebook, lol, it has reset all my shizzle on my profile so I had to go through it all again, what fun =)

Brilliant day so far again today, sun is shining and the weather has been great this week, Shell, Nan and I took a look at a house today and accepted it so it looks like we will be moving, it’s so exciting for all of us, the kids will get their own room, the kitchen is much bigger ooooh it’s so exciting, finally our own home XD.

It makes you feel all mushy inside.

Had my turbo, went for a short walk outside and did some emotional relaxation.


Nan has just left the building 😉 love my Nan she is the rock in our lives, she really helps us out when we are in dire need, no questions asked she is always there.

The kids are settling down and I am about to run Shell a bath we have had a productive day, after lasagna for Tea, the kids supped on a mixture of organic yogurt, bananas, orange, strawberry and organic dark chocolate, what a pain in the bum that is to grate with a cheese grater!

Not a lot to say about today, except it has been wonderful.


Shell and I sat down on the sofa and snuggled whilst we watched Heroes on Netflix, I was late running the bath as she was preoccupied watching the tele.

I ran my self a bath and chilled out to some healing painful emotions and bubbly bath, I do find this terribly calming, relaxing and certainly the thing to do if your suffer with pain, I try to do it daliy.

Shell is now in the bath and looks pregnant bless her, you can see the bump and her breasts are noticeably larger, she radiates at the moment and I love her more for it, she looks so beautiful.


Day Thirtyeight:

The day of Serendipity

serendipity |ˌserənˈdipitē | noun

The occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way:
A fortunate stroke of serendipity | a series of small serendipities.

Today as a fellow blogger puts it is a Pajama day I am absolutely knackerd from the walking I have done this week every muscle in my body exudes pain.

I am not getting dressed today and am going to spend the day chill axing and enjoying music, although I am in  an immense amount of pain I feel calm and still, Shell gave me a back rub earlier and took a lot of the stress and tension from me, I really need her to show me that she loves me now, the images in my mind are withering my soul.

Having a baby should be the happiest time of our lives and I am trying so hard to make it that way, I wish whole heartedly that the baby is mine and although I know the chances are very high that it is, the doubt in my mind is tormenting me and making it very hard to let go off all the pain.

Shell has just washed up and gone to pick up our son from school life goes on.

No turbo or exercise today but I have managed to do my emotions training it does help a lot and I am learning to control my brain, not it control me.

Shell and I had a big argument last night and said a lot of things to each other we really shouldn’t have, I am not going to go into it because it all started form nothing and neither of us where to blame, sometimes shit just happens.

Today we are both much calmer and have got a lot of held back feelings out in the open the truth hurts but once it is out you can heal.

It is a shame that some people still want to see hatred, that is up to them, but I am trying to not only lick my wounds but remember why they are there in the first place, if karma exists I must have acted extremely harshly previously in my life, there is no way out of that.

I do hope the other family involved are doing okay and are coping since they removed me from Facebook I have not been able to read their status updates, perhaps this is a good thing as it hurts to think of anything to do with my situation.

I have spent a lot of hours looking into Sensory Acuity and have been doing exercises to prepare myself for the NLP course in May, keeping focus on this and the baby is what is keeping me strong, we are looking into a private scan to get the conception dates as this will really help all parties involved and allow us to start planning and enjoying our baby.


We did end up making our turbo’s yippee, and after we had some ryvita and Philadelphia cheese with salad, we both helped each other make and clean everything.


Shell is now asleep on the sofa, she cleaned the kitchen, I got dressed and we made turbo’s together, my son always wants some, want your kids to eat spinach and celery? drink turbo’s and they will love it.

Before she fell asleep I put on the new David Gilmour album On an Island and gently caressed and kissed her belly, these are the magical moments that will keep us strong, as we clutched each others hands we just closed our eyes and reminisced in the moment.

It is times like this that make both of us know that we can get through this and we are strong enough to fight the demons and follow the path of the light.


Shell has been a sleep a while now and the house has got dark I have just noticed the time and cooked up some dinner for the kids, only beans and toast as it was late and they had ice cream and bananas for dessert.

Everyones settled down now to a movie on Netflix.

So it’s 00:42 tomorrow if you will, I have spent about an hour or so crying and dribbling on my self the day went great today and almost nothing went wrong, after Shell had a bath I got highly emotional and just burst into tears and stayed that way for about three hours, as I quietly sat on my own in the dark until now feeling sorry for myself.

Loving Kindness, Stu.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity;
an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Sir Winston Churchill

Winston Churchill (1874 – 1965) English: Winst...