Gratitude of the now

So today has been a rather upsetting set off circumstances that have led me to release the last of the attachment for the Children’s Mother, I have changed my wording from ex to Children’s Mum as this feels much better and does not have a past attachment to it like the ex does.

Suddenly I feel gratitude for lessons learned and an inner strength that must have always been there within me that gritty determination not to fail!
I have discovered that I not only do not need any one but am actually a better version of me than ever before, with love in my heart for my self I am ready to love another truly.

The children’s Mum promised again to help me out this morning she was supposed to arrive at 09:00 funny the time that symbolises the end is the time she chose to let me down once again.

There was no reason for her to promise that she would help me with shopping and the children’s washing, so up early I was and low and behold she did not attend or even let me know why.

Thank you Shell I give gratitude today for the lessons that you have bought to my awareness I release my attachment to you today after all that is all that it was, I know what love is and what love feels like having recently fallen in love, I have love in my heart for a woman whose light shines brighter than any human being I have ever known, thank you Rosi for helping me stay strong and for loving me unconditionally and for showing me the way without judgment.

I thank you once again Shell for if not for you letting me down today, I may not have realised and gained the inner strength to get the jobs done myself, with a broken leg well recovering fracture it has been a hard slog and a painful day to say the least, my house is a mess but things are still getting done, once my leg is better I intend to strip this place and make it more homely and a better place for Dad and his Children, is there a woman out there who not only would love me but also love my kids for we are a package of three, it takes a very special woman to accept a man and his children and I know I have the love in my heart for my self and my family to attract such a being as I have been dreaming of her and she is light.

Love and light Stu.

Source Healing and Ho’oponopono

Pu`uhonua O Hōnaunau

The wonderful Janine Regan-Sinclair gave me some gentle spiritual reminders and insights last night and reminded me of the wonderful source healing and Ho’oponopono, see the video at the bottom of this article.

Having had this reminder a few lyrics from the source chant came to me and I thought I would add my twist on it, then share it for you all today.

Slightly modified source chant:

The main exclusion is the word ‘Lord‘ replaced with Earth and I love you all, plus an extra verse with ‘we’, for sharing the love, repeat to your self and with others to feel the joy, expand the joy with drums, flutes and whatever you can imagine with friends, with family etc, please make it so, don’t be afraid of shyness the energy of it is very positive when you go with it in this instance and the kids will love it.

Repeat the following it works right away to lift up your day.


I love you all, with all my heart, my soul and might.
I call upon the power of the light.
I love the Earth with all my heart, my soul and might.
I am the presence of the power of the light.

I love you all, with all my heart, my soul and might.
We call upon the power of the light.
I love the Earth with all my heart, my soul and might.
We are the presence of the power of the light.


Feel free to share the chant as you wish, for the good of all is all I ask and not for personal gain or profit.

Source Healing and Ho’oponopono links.

Check out reboot your brain (Highly Recommended)
Free Source Healing course (Highly Recommended)

I was for some time using source for self-help via iTunes but unfortunately due to some odd bizarre technical glitch the podcast suddenly died, I thank you Janine for reminding us of source and the wonderful healing of Ho’oponopono.

Grab a free MP3 to aid with poverty conciseness from Janine, thank you kindly =)
I have a copy of her book The Angel, the Witch & the Warrior and will review it after reading.

Enjoy your journey fellow beings, just for today be happy!

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My heart is still aching

Love heart uidaodjsdsew

Guitar chords G / G major 7th / D / D major 7th / C / D

G                            GMJ7      D                   DMJ7
My heart is still aching, I don’t know what to write.
C                                D
Does it still exist? Is there anything left inside?
G                     GMJ7        D                       DMJ7
I can’t feel it beating, it used to beat like a drum.
C                                    D                          
All I can say is now, it doesn’t want to run.

Bedroom antics may have been the cause, I was simply far too blind.
To notice you slip away, was you only trying to hide?
But now our love is stronger, it’s all up to me they say.
To forgive you and my self, but I’m stuck in yesterday.

I know I must have hurt you, for you to do the things you’ve done.
But instead of holding you real close, I simply let you run.
The love I feel for you, is something I can’t hide.
It’s high up above the clouds, where angels reside.

Now that we are parted, although only for a while.
Hearing you when you call me, always makes me smile.
Forgiveness is in my soul, but torments in my mind.
How do I forgive you darling, when there’s torture in my eyes.

The only thing that keeps me going, is you and the kids.
I’m going to pin that thought promptly, to the back of my eye lids.
I’ve jump started my heart again, solely for you.
But please don’t ever shake it, coz it’s only held with glue.

I know that you can feel me, from across the shores.
When I wake up in the mornings, it is you that I adore.
I feel our love is beautiful, like a flower in full bloom.
Worry not my darling, I’ll be coming home real soon.

I’ll be coming home real soon, to oo ooo sooth you.

By Stuart Otway-Smith Registered & Protected

I miss you all my love, kiss our children for me and hug baby.


Holding on to resentment is like holding your breath, You will begin to suffocate, learn to forgive!

Holding on to resentment is like holding your breath, You will begin to suffocate, learn to forgive!

Holding on to resentment is like holding your breath, You will begin to suffocate, learn to forgive!

Day Fiftyeight:

She still lies to me, we argue more.

I booked my self into a short stay mental hospital as the pressure of everything has got to me.
Shell continues to lie to despite asking me to marry her on the same day.

You destroyed my trust, I held onto it by a thread and then you simply tossed it away.

I love you my queen but your lies are not something I can forgive you for today as tomorrow they will haunt my dreams.

I believed you, trusted you to tell me the truth and you even lied about that.

Your friends you care and respect for, me I am nothing more to you than a lowly piece of shit on the bottom of your shoe.

I doubt I’ll be back, goodbye.

Please God!

Forgive me for everything I have done that torments.

Forgive me for not having the strength to move forwards.

Forgive me for not having the courage to forgive and forget.

Forgive me for not being a worthy Human of loving grace.


Day Fifityfive:

Restless sleep makes you really pissed off for the want of better words.

Im’ so tired…

I struggled to make a cup of coffee this morning and dropped my cup on the floor, it smashed to bits, then in a frivolous fury of frustration; I grabbed the coffee jar and slammed it into the floor, the glass shattered in all directions and the brown coffee granules ejected all over the room.

What a mess!


Shell has been off with me for days, I am really feeling the pressure of trying to be nice on the outside when you’re dying from within.

Maybe there is hope after all, Shell just sent me a text and usually I keep those things private but there are exceptions to the rule right?

She said:

I love you so very much, I feel your pain but don’t know how to take it away or how to comfort you.

I feel you are slipping away from me more each day and that scares me.

I try to hold you, Tell you I love you, I must find another way to bring you back to me.

That bond between us was like a rope that keeps pulling us back together, the rope has worn thin and frayed.

I must strengthen the rope and not let it break like string.

I know you feel our love is held together by cobwebs, but know that cobweb is one of the strongest materials known to us, if we keep puling on the rope together in the same direction we will be able to get closer to each other and tie a knot, rather than tormenting each other in a bitter tug of war.


I got a very special message from a very special person, no names sorry! They know who they are.

It said: (slightly modified for privacy)

I don’t blame you, I did not mind as I still read everything everyday , it seems like your depression is getting worse and I don’t want that for you. I know what Shell did was wrong and I can only imagine what you are feeling but look how far you have come over the past 16 years, you CAN get through this.

You both need to enjoy each other no matter how much it hurts at the moment.

I know you love Shell very much and I know she does make mistakes, trust me I’ve been through some of them with her too; I have to keep saying, think about the kids! Because it rubs off on them especially at the age they are at, I don’t want them to feel down too.

By what I’ve been told about Shells dates speaking to her, it sounds to me that the baby is defiantly yours, so forget about everything else and shut the world out, you and Shell have a baby on the way and your little family is all that matters now.

Go and hug her even if it hurts you and tell her you love her give her, a little positive note and say that you know that you can get through it.

Then I want you to go and hug the kids and tell them you love them and that your sorry for being down lately and that your going to change that.

You may not think it at the moment but they need you now more than ever trust me.
I don’t know what I would do without my Dad.

Please  just think to the future and not what has happened in the past, remember you can’t change that.

I love you Xxx

I hope you don’t mind me posting that message although modified ever so slightly as you know.

I love you to and thank you for caring and passing me a hand via words that I see with my eyes and feel in my heart.

I will do exactly as you suggest, today more than any other due to the tension it would make the biggest difference and liven up every bodies day, you really are a wonderful person and I am truly grateful and blessed to be apart of your life.

Thank you again for telling me just what I needed to hear, in such a sweet way.

It’s still early enough to finish the day off nicely.

As I finish this sentence the Sun has just yawned out loudly and appears in the garden gently erasing the rain clouds.


Although I am in a huge amount of pain and lethargy reminds me so, we have had a reasonable day today, it didn’t start to good with my mouth ranting despicable torment for a short while after the coffee incident. Since then we have started to get close again, closer than we have been for some days. I’m pleased for Shells message, a simple use of words to let me know she is hanging on to our relationship, I to will not let it go, I love you far too much to let it hang out to dry.

I guess this is apart of the process of healing from such pain.


I listen to Red Sky at Night from the album On An Island by David Gilmour and write how I feel.

Why is it every time I go out of my way to be divinely nice, treat Shell with the utmost respect that she deserves, make her happy by going out of my way to really love her, I screw it all up with my mouth?


I love you sweetheart, saying that now after what I just said to you makes the words feel dry.

I wish my mouth would just STFU and stay with the loving kindness, I truly feel in my heart and mind.

Why do I seem to have this primal urge to just rant at you randomly in a fit of rage and venom?

Please understand that what I say is a result of the bad images in my mind I do not mean any of it especially about the baby not being mine, what a horrible person I am, how dare I make you feel like that, especially when pregnant.

I want to rip my head off and hammer it to my arse as just as things got better I let rip at Shell making her whimper in tears.

I’m sorry for acting childish and immature, and saying all that rubbish to you and the fact the kids heard my outrage saddens me deeply.

Bad person I feel, Bad person I am, mistakes I have not learned from, but I am just a man.

I love you Shell with every part of my soul, life with you is my destiny, if only I would realise it.

I burned the rope you tossed me before I even had a chance to catch it this evening, please I’m begging you, throw me another one, I promise not to ever let it go.

It was me that caused the resentment and hate tonight not you, you have tried so hard and I thank you with all of my being.

Please forgive me, my love, as now I really need to learn to forgive myself for ventures past and failed memories.

Day Fiftyone:

Woke up at bang on 08:00 this morning gasping for breath, I awoke from a night mare where Shell was on her knees, giving Darren fellatio, I awoke sweating and my heart was racing, as I leaped forwards I almost fell out of bed, that is the fastest I have got up in ages.

Only the nightmare is real, I felt like the lost puppy that had misplaced their owner identity tag then was tossed into a cage alone in the pound, with no owner to speak of.

I sat for an hour or so crying to myself, the rest of the house sleeps, while I whimper in the darkness.

It’s easy for Shell, she just opens her legs clearly switching from one soul to another with not even a thought.

I on the other hand; have to feel something to make love to another person, I need to feel loved to really get excited. I have to care dearly to share my body and soul with another, intimacy for me is more than simple pleasure and self gratification, a connection of mind energies interacting with intertwining bodies wrapped in joyous play and a fruitful understanding.

Since the affair I have had terrible trouble sometimes making love to you, it is so hard for me to let my self attach to you completely, each time I get close something inside me pulls back.

We make wonderful love my dear and I know you are heavenly satisfied, but I never reached climax at all the last few times, I seem to be suffering, I’m certainly not lacking in labedo or dysfunction on my part, but part of my pleasure with you was just you, and I sadly feel our spark has been extinguished, it’s not that you don’t excite me, but at the point of no return, my lust somehow turns to mistrust, gets segmented, everything turns sour, I pull away and only show you my cold shoulder as I cry myself to sleep.

The harder I try to stay close to you, the further the images in my mind pull me down a whirling pool of tears and resentment.

I’m eternally sorry my love for cutting you with paper albeit digital!


Shell and Nan have gone to the shops, the kids are playing on their laptops and everything is quiet.

I am experiencing a large amount of pain today the dank weather is making me lethargic, grumpy and extremely tired.

My legs are numb and spasmodic, my ankles hurt to walk-on and the muscles feel tight and tender.

Today my mind is numb with resentful muster and images of cuckoldry haunt my daydreams.


Just had a bath it was a struggle to get it an out but the heat was well worth it, wow I wish we could get hot water treatment instead of medication as for me at least it is far more beneficial than pharmaceuticals any day of the week.


Nan and Shell arrive home and my daughter comes down the stairs to greet and feed our cat

Our cat Star is sixteen years old and we have had her longer than our children of twelve and eleven have even been alive, she is the kitten of her mother Fluffy so she’s a really special puss to us.

It’s amazing how much relaxation and calmness comes from such a beast when you most need it, the way she rubs her face against your leg when you’re in a bad mood, and gently stretches elongated claws to poke but not harm you astounds me, her gentle drone as she purrs relaxes and pleases me whatever the day brings.


Shell has just made me a Turbo, I really needed that, every single time I drink one my whole body says thank you.

Day Fifty:


Got up late again today I was up last night really late, Zen you bugger keeping me up chatting all night, hugs, my creative juices where flowing and I banged out a number of pieces all in one night, none where pre written and I have no idea where it all came from, sometimes I surprise my self as the words are deep and meaningful at least to me.


Ring! Ring! telephone sings!
It is the housing officer to inform us that we are going to be moving into a more permanent house on the 27th of May how thrilling.


Shell suddenly got up for no apparent reason said nothing and went upstairs I guess she went to lie down I wonder why she didn’t say anything? I do not remember saying or doing anything wrong for days….

Probably nothing to worry about we have had a couple or three perfect days other than me crying now and then.

Except for my poems =/

Sorry if what I write pains you my love, better out than in is all I can say, and that I hope you know I love you so very much.


Wow I was hungry just cooked my self a bacon sandwich on tiger bread with brown sauce, yum yum, yes I know it’s bad for me but it tastes sooooo good.


Shell and Nan have gone shopping, with the wonderful news we have had today, it’s really been a blessing.
What a day beautifully brilliant and joyous, thank you to everyone that read my posts, I appreciate your efforts.

You know sometimes you just have to roll the dice, take a chance in life and just say FUCK IT!
If you’re reading this and have something burning inside you and your itching to let it out, in the words of NIKE “just do it!”.
As a dear fellow blogger said to me.

Go with the writing. The right people FOR YOU will stick around. Fear not. Go with it. As time goes on, the fear gets less, very slowly, yes, but then you will learn to be more confident and assertive and those hard feelings, the self-judgment, will dissipate.


I urge you to do the same, follow your heart, let go of the fear and flow.

TTFN, Stu.