Fibromyalgia tips – 10 Symptoms Of Gluten Intolerance


Dr. Amy Myers

10 Symptoms of Gluten Intolerance with information on how to test and advice on treatment. By Dr. Amy Myers…

More than 55 diseases have been linked to gluten, the protein found in wheat, rye, and barley. It’s estimated that 99% of the people who have either gluten intolerance or celiac disease are never diagnosed.

It is also estimated that as much as 15% of the US population is gluten intolerant. Could you be one of them?

If you have any of the following symptoms it could be a sign that you have gluten intolerance:

  1. Digestive issues such as gas, bloating, diarrhea and even constipation. I see the constipation particularly in children after eating gluten.
  2. Keratosis Pilaris, (also known as ‘chicken skin’ on the back of your arms). This tends to be as a result of a fatty acid deficiency and vitamin A deficiency secondary to fat-malabsorption caused by gluten damaging the gut.
  3. Fatigue, brain fog or feeling tired after eating a meal that contains gluten.
  4. Diagnosis of an autoimmune disease such as Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, Rheumatoid arthritis, Ulcerative colitis, Lupus, Psoriasis, Scleroderma or Multiple sclerosis.
  5. Neurologic symptoms such as dizziness or feeling of being off balance.
  6. Hormone imbalances such as PMS, PCOS or unexplained infertility.
  7. Migraine headaches.
  8. Diagnosis of chronic fatigue or fibromyalgia. These diagnoses simply indicate your conventional doctor cannot pin point the cause of your fatigue or pain.
  9. Inflammation, swelling or pain in your joints such as fingers, knees or hips.
  10. Mood issues such as anxiety, depression, mood swings and ADD.

Wheat: The UNhealthy Whole Grain

A video by Dr. William Davis, author of the book Wheat Belly

How to test for gluten intolerance?

I have found the single best ways to determine if you have an issue with gluten is to do an elimination diet and take it out of your diet for at least 2 to 3 weeks and then reintroduce it. Please note that gluten is a very large protein and it can take months and even years to clear from your system so the longer you can eliminate it from your diet before reintroducing it, the better.

The best advice that I share with my patients is that if they feel significantly better off of gluten or feel worse when they reintroduce it, then gluten is likely a problem for them.  In order to get accurate results from this testing method you must elimination 100% of the gluten from your diet.

How to treat gluten intolerance?

Eliminating gluten 100% from your diet means 100%. Even trace amounts of gluten from cross contamination or medications or supplements can be enough to cause an immune reaction in your body.

The 80/20 rule or “we don’t eat it in our house, just when we eat out” is a complete misconception. An article published in 2001 states that for those with celiac disease or gluten sensitivity eating gluten just once a month increased the relative risk of death by 600%.

Still unsure?

Seek out an integrative practitioner or functional medicine physician to help to guide you.


#OtwaySmith #Fibromyalgia

Neuroscientists Uncover The Pain Source Of Fibromyalgia Fibromyalgia, a debilitating, chronic pain that runs from the neck to the shoulders to the lower back to the hips to the knees and affects millions of people world wide, especially women, is not an ‘imaginary illness’ scientists have discovered. Doctors were convinced that Fibromyalgia was more an imaginary and psychological disorder than an actual physical ailment. Breakthrough research shows that the illness is not imaginary and is actually caused by an excess of nerve fibers in the blood vessels. Fibromyalgia actually means “pain in connective tissue and muscles” and people who suffer from the illness report a variety of symptoms that occur at the same time: body pain, headache, sleeplessness, stomach problems and stiffness. Fibromyalgia symptoms American neurologists made the discovery when they tested the hands of non-sensory individuals by pricking a needle into their skin. They then repeated that process with people who claimed to suffer from Fibromyalgia and found that an exaggerated amount of a specific nerve vessel known as ‘Arterial Venules (AV)’ responded to the pricking. Up until this discovery, scientists were convinced the AVs were strictly responsible for controlling blood flow in the blood cells. But now the researchers know that there is a direct link between the nerve endings and widespread body pain. The study also explains why people suffering from Fibromyalgia have extremely oversensitive hands and other tender areas on the body. Thanks to the breakthrough discovery, scientists are now hopeful they can develop treatment and possibly a cure for the illness. Source: Pain Medicine, May 20, 2013. By Phillip J. Albrecht PhD, Quanzhi Hou MD PhD, Charles E. Argoff MD, James R. Storey MD, James P. Wymer MD PhD, and Frank L. Rice PhD. Integrated Tissue Dynamics, LLC, Rensselaer, New York, USA; Center for Neuropharmacology & Neuroscience, Albany Medical College, Albany, New York, USA.

Dr. Steven Yen on Fibromyalgia Trigger Points (Interview)

Dr. Steven Yen on Fibromyalgia Trigger Points (Interview)

Dr. Steven Yen of Natural Fibromyalgia Treatments explains what fibromyalgia trigger points are, and some of the ways these can be treated.

Dr. Steven Yen has been treating fibromyalgia naturally, without the use of drugs or surgery for patients in his private practice since 2002.

Natural Fibromyalgia Treatment blog:

More about Dr. Yen:…

Download FREE Pain Relief CHEAT SHEET:

Other FREE Pain Relief resources:

Fibromyalgia Awareness

Related articles:

Neurobiology Underlying Fibromyalgia Symptoms

Review Article

Neurobiology Underlying Fibromyalgia Symptoms

1Alan Edwards Centre for Research on Pain, McGill University, 3640 University Street, Room M19, Montreal, QC, H2A 1C1, Canada
2Department of Neurology & Neurosurgery, McGill University, 3640 University Street, Room M19, Montreal, QC, H2A 1C1, Canada
3Department of Anesthesia, McGill University, 3640 University Street, Room M19, Montreal, QC, H2A 1C1, Canada
4Center for Neurosensory Disorders, University of North Carolina, CB No. 7280, 3330 Thurston Building, Chapel Hill, NC 27599, USA

Received 27 April 2011; Accepted 23 August 2011

Academic Editor: Muhammad B. Yunus

Copyright © 2012 Marta Ceko et al. This is an open access article distributed under the Creative Commons Attribution License, which permits unrestricted use, distribution, and reproduction in any medium, provided the original work is properly cited.


Fibromyalgia is characterized by chronic widespread pain, clinical symptoms that include cognitive and sleep disturbances, and other abnormalities such as increased sensitivity to painful stimuli, increased sensitivity to multiple sensory modalities, and altered pain modulatory mechanisms. Here we relate experimental findings of fibromyalgia symptoms to anatomical and functional brain changes. Neuroimaging studies show augmented sensory processing in pain-related areas, which, together with gray matter decreases and neurochemical abnormalities in areas related to pain modulation, supports the psychophysical evidence of altered pain perception and inhibition. Gray matter decreases in areas related to emotional decision making and working memory suggest that cognitive disturbances could be related to brain alterations. Altered levels of neurotransmitters involved in sleep regulation link disordered sleep to neurochemical abnormalities. Thus, current evidence supports the view that at least some fibromyalgia symptoms are associated with brain dysfunctions or alterations, giving the long-held “it is all in your head” view of the disorder a new meaning.

1. Introduction

In order to examine the neurobiology underlying the symptoms of fibromyalgia, we must first determine what those symptoms are. Until recently, fibromyalgia (FM) was diagnosed based on the ARC1990 criteria [1], which were widespread pain in combination with tenderness at 11 or more of 18 specific tender point sites. The provisional ACR 2010 FM diagnostic criteria [2], suggested as an alternative method of diagnosing FM, do not require the presence of tenderness, but rather include a list of several other symptoms, including fatigue, unrefreshing sleep, and cognitive symptoms, as well as a mix of some other symptoms that could include headache, depression, and lower abdominal pain/cramping. The hallmark symptom is still widespread pain, and a diagnosis of fibromyalgia requires this symptom. However, a patient must also have some of the other symptoms that are common among FM patients in order to reach a composite score that would lead to a diagnosis of FM. In addition to clinical symptoms that make up the diagnosis of FM, experimental studies have identified a number of other abnormalities in FM patients, including increased sensitivity to multiple types of painful stimuli, increased sensitivity to other sensory modalities, and alterations in pain modulatory mechanisms. Further, neuroimaging studies have found functional, anatomical, and neurochemical differences in the brains of FM patients compared to healthy control subjects. Most of the clinical symptoms associated with FM have not been systematically studied in the experimental setting, but there are a number of studies that have provided an objective evaluation of the altered cognitive functioning and sleep disturbances reported in FM patients. Thus, this paper will focus on the experimental evidence related to FM symptoms and connect these perceptual and cognitive signs to abnormalities observed in the brains of FM patients.

1.1. Altered Pain Perception in FM Patients

The hallmark symptom of FM is widespread ongoing musculoskeletal pain. In addition, FM patients have been distinguished from other patients with widespread pain syndromes primarily by the presence of tenderness that has been assessed clinically by finding pain evoked by 4 kg manual pressure in at least 11 of 18 defined tender points. This tender point concept was not based on an understanding of the underlying pathophysiology, but rather on empirical observation. Thus, although the ARC-90 diagnostic criteria provided an important uniform tool for defining the FM syndrome, they did not validate the tender point concept, due to the circular evidence on which the criteria were based [3]. In fact, much evidence indicates that tender points are just sites normally more sensitive to pressure pain in all individuals [47] and that FM patients have an increased pressure sensitivity at non-tender-point sites as well [8]. Accumulating evidence now shows that FM patients have increased sensitivity to many types of painful stimulation, including pressure at non-tender-point sites [9], heat and cold pain [6,1014], electrical stimulation [6], and intramuscular hypertonic saline injection [15]. Despite the plethora of evidence for hypersensitivity to painful stimuli, there is less evidence that FM patients are more sensitive to innocuous somatosensory stimuli. Detection thresholds for tactile and electrical stimuli are not altered in FM [61213], but Hollins et al. [16] found that FM patients rated innocuous pressure as more intense than did healthy controls, although the effects in the innocuous range were weaker than in the noxious range. The evidence for changes in cool or warm detection also is mixed, with most investigators finding no differences between FM and controls for heat [610] or cold [1012], whereas one study found FM patients to have reduced heat detection thresholds [12], and one study found patients to have reduced cold detection thresholds [6]. Thus, it appears that the altered sensitivity within the somatosensory system is more profound in the noxious range than in the innocuous range.

1.2. Evidence for Generalized Hypersensitivity to Unpleasant Stimuli

The hypersensitivity of FM patients to painful stimuli has led some investigators to propose that fibromyalgia involves a hypervigilance to pain and pain-associated information [1719]. However, there is now evidence that the hypersensitivity to unpleasant stimuli extends beyond the somatosensory system, which has led to the hypothesis that there is a generalized hypervigilance for sensory stimuli in FM [162021]. A few studies have examined the sensitivity of FM patients in modalities other than pain and found perceptual amplification. FM patients have been shown to have decreased tolerance of unpleasant noise [20] and increased sensitivity to loud unpleasant auditory stimuli that parallels their increased pressure pain sensitivity [22]. Similarly, FM patients perceive unpleasant olfactory stimuli to be more intense and more unpleasant than do matched control subjects [23]. On the other hand, when pleasant odors were tested, FM patients and controls perceived the odors as equally intense, consistent with another evidence that the hypersensitivity across perceptual modalities may be confined to stimuli in the unpleasant range [24]. Nevertheless, for pleasant odors, although FM patients did not rate them as more intense, they did evaluate the pleasant odors as less pleasant than did control subjects. Further, a range of auditory stimuli were rated as more intense by FM patients than by controls, and auditory stimuli rated as mildly pleasant by healthy subjects were rated as somewhat unpleasant by FM patients [16]. The finding of hypersensitivity in multiple modalities of stimulation, particularly for unpleasant stimuli, suggests that the evoked pain sensitivity of FM may be related to an altered hedonic appreciation for sensory stimuli, rather than to peripheral tissue abnormalities.

1.3. Other Phenomena Related to Altered Pain Perception

Other types of evidence from experimental pain studies in FM patients support the idea of a centrally mediated up-regulation of nociceptive activity in the CNS. A central pathophysiological process that appears to be disturbed in FM patients is the “windup” of central nociceptive processing of C-fibre input to the spinal cord, resulting in the perceptual phenomenon of temporal summation of pain. Windup of nociceptive activity is dependent on activation of the NMDA receptor complex in the spinal cord by input from C-nociceptors [2526]. Some FM patients show increased temporal summation of pain and increased aftersensations at the termination of noxious stimulation [27]. These enhanced responses could be related to one or more of several possible factors: (1) an ongoing peripheral source of input from C nociceptors other than the applied stimulus; (2) sensitized NMDA receptors on central nociceptive neurons; (3) abnormalities in descending modulation; (4) abnormal processing at supraspinal levels. Evidence of increased sensitivity in multiple sensory modalities suggests that ongoing C-nociceptor input cannot alone account for FM symptoms, indicating that there probably also are either sensitized NMDA receptors, abnormalities in modulatory systems in the brain, or abnormal sensory processing at spinal or supraspinal levels. Increased sensitivity has been demonstrated at the spinal level in FM [11]. Staud et al. [28] showed that an NMDA inhibitor reduced temporal summation in both healthy people and FM patients, suggesting that NMDA receptors probably are not sensitized in FM. On the other hand, experimental evidence shows that there are abnormalities in pain modulatory systems in FM patients that could account for altered temporal summation and other putative spinal effects.

1.4. Altered Pain Inhibition in FM Patients

For hundreds of years, clinicians have known that pain inhibits pain, a phenomenon termed “counterirritation.” More recently, a physiological basis of this phenomenon has been identified; the application of noxious stimulation activates an endogenous analgesic system involving supraspinal descending control of dorsal horn nociceptive activity. This system is termed “diffuse noxious inhibitory control” or DNIC and its physiological basis in the spinal cord has been studied extensively in anesthetized animals [2930]. Nevertheless, when competing noxious stimuli are presented in conscious humans, other systems that modulate pain, such as distraction, also are probably in effect, so that care must be taken in inferring that perceptual effects are due to DNIC. Accordingly, a group of interested researchers has suggested that the term “conditioned pain modulation” be used in humans studies to avoid the mechanistic implication [31]. Studies that have examined conditioned pain modulation in FM patients show that conditioning stimuli that produce an analgesic response to experimental pain stimuli in healthy control subjects fail to have an effect on FM patients [133234]. One of these studies controlled for the effects of distraction and habituation and found a similar lack of conditioned pain modulation in FM patients [33], suggesting the possibility that the DNIC system is in fact impaired in these individuals. Alternatively, DNIC and other descending inhibitory systems could be activated by the widespread pain of FM, and the failure to demonstrate DNIC in FM could represent a ceiling effect in which these activated systems cannot be further engaged by the experimental manipulations [8]. In addition, distraction can have a powerful pain-inhibiting effect [3539], and some researchers have suggested that FM patients have altered attentional focusing, with a hypervigilance to unpleasant stimuli (see discussion above).

2. Other Symptoms of FM

2.1. Altered Cognitive Function in FM Patients

In addition to pain, many patients with fibromyalgia complain of problems with memory and concentration, often referred to as “fibrofog” [4043]. This clinical symptom has received a large amount of experimental study, and studies using objective cognitive tests substantiate patients’ subjective reports of cognitive dysfunctions, most commonly related to speed of information processing, attention, and memory [4356]. The most robust deficits in tests of memory and attention have so far been observed in paradigms involving a prominent distraction from a competing source of information, wherein FM patients are less capable than healthy controls to retain new information when rehearsal is prevented by a distraction [495057]. Milder deficits have been observed in memory free of distraction at encoding [43444849515859]. FM patients frequently display greater impairments in the ability to actively retrieve past episodic events in the absence of a cue (free recall) than on recognition tests, which serve to evaluate the retrieval of remembered information and are more resistant to the effects of impaired attention and concentration [43444851]. It has thus been proposed that memory impairments in FM are more highly related to attentional factors that modulate the efficiency of memory functioning than to primary memory processes per se [486061]. Thus, the inability to manage distraction seems to be a particular problem in fibromyalgia patients and is reflected in patients’ reports of difficulty concentrating and dealing with complex, rapidly changing environments [61] and by memory tests showing performance decrements in the presence of distraction. Impaired cognitive performance is evident even after controlling for anxiety and depression and the influence of medications that might affect cognitive functioning [43505258]. Another area of cognitive functioning that has been shown to be abnormal in FM is that of emotional decision making [6263]. A similar deficit has been shown in chronic back pain patients, suggesting that this is not unique to FM [64].

2.2. Sleep Disturbances in FM Patients

Many FM patients complain of unrefreshed sleep. Several laboratory studies using objective measures of sleep physiology such as EEG substantiate these reports by showing disordered sleep architecture in FM patients, including delayed onset to sleep, altered sleep stage dynamics, and reduced slow wave sleep (deep sleep) and rapid-eye movement (REM) sleep [6568]. The intrusion of EEG frequencies characteristic of wakefulness (alpha waves) in the deep non-REM sleep (delta waves) seems to be a prominent feature of the nonrestorative sleep of FM patients [656971]. Further, patients with FM often have fragmented sleep resulting from periodic intrusions such as involuntary limb movements (restless legs), sleep apnea, and arousal disturbances [687274]. Although FM patients tend to report greater disturbances in sleep duration and quality than shown in laboratory studies, and their subjective reports correlate better with the severity of clinical symptoms [75], objectively measured sleep disturbances have been associated with pain and subjective daily sleepiness in several studies [6768,7173].

3. Brain Changes That Could Underlie Symptoms

3.1. Neural Basis of Pain Amplification and Altered Pain Modulation

Functional brain imaging studies support psychophysical findings of increased pain perception in FM, in that there is an augmentation of sensory processing throughout pain-related brain regions [97681]. This is important, since laboratory findings of increased sensitivity could be interpreted as a reporting bias, rather than evidence of increased activation in pain pathways. The functional imaging studies have found that fibromyalgia patients show significantly more activity in response to pressure and thermal stimuli compared to controls in a number of brain regions. Increased activations were observed not only in limbic structures, but also in brain regions involved in sensory-discriminative processing, such as primary and secondary somatosensory cortices, which supports the view that neural responses to afferent signals are amplified in fibromyalgia.

Although the increased pain-evoked brain activations corroborate patients’ reports, the correlation between increased brain activity and increased pain perception does not explain how the afferent signal is amplified. As discussed above, there is psychophysical evidence of dysfunctions in pain modulation as well as pain perception. There is now much evidence that the activation of descending control circuitry is involved in pain modulation and that this circuitry includes parts of prefrontal, cingulate, and insular cortices [2336378283]. A number of anatomical imaging studies in FM patients reveal decreased brain gray matter in these regions [8490]. Although the cellular basis of decreased gray matter in FM patients is not known, it is possible that due to neuronal loss, decreased dendritic arborisation, or changes in glial activation, pain inhibitory systems do not work in FM patients as well as in healthy individuals.

Consistent with the idea that pain modulatory systems may be disturbed in fibromyalgia are data showing that some FM patients have abnormalities in neurochemical systems involved in pain control, including the forebrain opioid and dopamine systems. A positron emission tomography (PET) competitive binding study using the D2/D3 receptor antagonist [11C] raclopride showed that striatal dopamine is released in response to painful muscle stimulation in healthy subjects, but not in FM patients [1591], which might partially explain the increased sensitivity of FM patients to the painful muscle stimulation. For the opioid system, investigators using PET found that FM patients had decreased binding potentials at rest for the exogenously administered 𝜇-opioid receptor agonist carfentanil in several brain areas, including the ventral striatum, the anterior cingulate cortex, and the amygdala [92]. These areas are implicated in pain and its emotional modulation, and correspondingly, the binding potentials showed a negative relationship with the magnitude of affective pain scores relative to the sensory scores. Although results of this study do not tell us whether levels of endogenous opioids were increased or whether receptor availability was decreased, the findings support the notion that disturbances in the opioidergic system might be related to the increased pain sensitivity in fibromyalgia. For both dopamine and opioids, the ongoing widespread pain of FM could lead to a tonic activation within these systems and thus be a main factor in altering receptor availability and associated responsiveness to externally applied painful stimuli.

3.2. Neural Basis of Cognitive Symptoms

It is well known that cognitive capabilities such as attention and memory functions decline continuously across the adult lifespan [93], which, together with findings of accelerated age-related decline of brain gray matter observed in FM patients [84], suggests that there may be a relationship between gray matter reductions in FM and cognitive deficits in these patients. Two recent studies have linked FM to impaired emotional decision making [6263]. Anatomical imaging studies have reported that FM patients have decreased gray matter in the medial prefrontal and insular cortices [848589], areas implicated in emotional decision making [9499]. Together, these data suggest a possible association between gray matter loss and emotional decision making in FM. One study has directly examined the relationship between performance on working memory tasks and gray matter in FM patients and found that an individual’s performance was positively correlated with gray matter values in medial frontal and anterior cingulate cortices, thereby providing direct evidence for an association between altered working memory and gray matter morphology in fibromyalgia [51]. Both of these brain regions, together with lateral premotor cortex, lateral prefrontal cortex, frontal poles, and posterior parietal cortex, are areas known to be related to working memory processes [100105]. In terms of the neurochemical abnormalities in FM discussed above, dopamine plays an important role for cognitive functioning. Multiple lines of evidence demonstrate the importance of mesocortical and striatal dopaminergic pathways in memory tasks, perceptual speed, and response inhibition (see [106] for review). Thus, there is an overlap between tasks in which fibromyalgia patients perform poorly and tasks that are related to dopamine functioning, suggesting that a dysfunctional dopamine system could contribute to the cognitive symptoms of fibromyalgia.

3.3. Neural Basis of Sleep Disturbances

While many studies have used EEG and related methods to show various aspects of disordered sleep physiology in FM patients, little is known about the neurobiology underlying these disturbances. Several neurotransmitters have been proposed to influence CNS hypersensitivity associated with sleep alterations. For example, inhibition of the CNS serotonin synthesis has been linked to insomnia and increased pain sensitivity [107]. Accordingly, in FM there is evidence for low serum and cerebrospinal fluid serotonin levels [108109]. Injecting amounts of substance P into the CNS of rats has been shown to reduce sleep efficiency, increasing latency to onset to sleep and provoking awakenings from sleep [110], and there is evidence for elevated cerebrospinal fluid levels of substance P in FM patients [111,112].

3.4. What Do the Psychophysical, Cognitive, and Neuroimaging Studies Tell Us about the Neurobiology Underlying FM Symptoms?

The wealth of experimental evidence showing that FM patients are hypersensitive to painful stimuli, as well as unpleasant stimuli from other sensory modalities, in conjunction with functional brain imaging data showing increased stimulus-evoked activation throughout nociceptive pathways, shows that the defining symptom of FM—increased pain—is in fact real and not just a response bias of the patients. The finding that perception is increased in multiple modalities speaks against the hypothesis that FM pain is due to an upregulation of peripheral nociceptive processes. Further, psychophysical evidence that descending modulatory systems are altered in FM patients supports the opposing idea that FM symptoms are at least in part caused by alterations in CNS processing of the pain signal, including a dysregulation of pain modulatory systems. Nevertheless, the apparent dysregulation within these systems could be caused and/or perpetuated by a tonic activation related to the presence of ongoing widespread pain, so that the systems are saturated and cannot regulate further in response to external stimuli.

Since similar descending control systems, including attentional and emotional regulatory circuitry, affect multiple sensory modalities [113119], a dysfunction (or saturation) in these systems could lead to the hypersensitivity in multiple sensory modalities. FM patients show reduced habituation to nonpainful tactile stimuli and increased cortical response to intense auditory stimuli, both of which have been linked to deficient inhibition of incoming sensory stimuli [120121]. Also in support of the idea of a central dysregulation or saturation of pain modulation are changes in the opioid and dopamine neurotransmitter systems, both known to be involved in hedonic regulation [122].

Finally, the findings that FM patients not only perceive themselves to have altered memory and concentration (“fibrofog”), but also in fact perform poorly on multiple cognitive tests, even when depression is excluded as a contributing factor, suggest that there are alterations in brain function. The anatomical brain imaging studies that show reductions in gray matter in frontal regions important for cognitive function further indicate that this common symptom of FM is based on altered brain function. Together, the experimental evidence provides strong support for the idea that FM symptoms are related to dysfunctions in the central nervous system. The cause of these changes cannot be deduced from the available evidence, as it is correlational in nature. Did long-term ongoing pain cause the changes or did the changes cause the pain? Without a relevant animal model or long-term longitudinal studies, we cannot answer these questions. Nevertheless, we can at least say that fibromyalgia is real and that it is associated with multiple changes in the brain.


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Day Fortyone:

What is with this timeline thing on Facebook, lol, it has reset all my shizzle on my profile so I had to go through it all again, what fun =)

Brilliant day so far again today, sun is shining and the weather has been great this week, Shell, Nan and I took a look at a house today and accepted it so it looks like we will be moving, it’s so exciting for all of us, the kids will get their own room, the kitchen is much bigger ooooh it’s so exciting, finally our own home XD.

It makes you feel all mushy inside.

Had my turbo, went for a short walk outside and did some emotional relaxation.


Nan has just left the building 😉 love my Nan she is the rock in our lives, she really helps us out when we are in dire need, no questions asked she is always there.

The kids are settling down and I am about to run Shell a bath we have had a productive day, after lasagna for Tea, the kids supped on a mixture of organic yogurt, bananas, orange, strawberry and organic dark chocolate, what a pain in the bum that is to grate with a cheese grater!

Not a lot to say about today, except it has been wonderful.


Shell and I sat down on the sofa and snuggled whilst we watched Heroes on Netflix, I was late running the bath as she was preoccupied watching the tele.

I ran my self a bath and chilled out to some healing painful emotions and bubbly bath, I do find this terribly calming, relaxing and certainly the thing to do if your suffer with pain, I try to do it daliy.

Shell is now in the bath and looks pregnant bless her, you can see the bump and her breasts are noticeably larger, she radiates at the moment and I love her more for it, she looks so beautiful.


Day Forty:

What a beautiful day it is today, the sun is shining the kids are playing and laughing outside, Shell and I spent most of the morning gently making love, we kissed and held each other for hours, I feel light and fluffy and Shell has a glow about her. Love like ours can not be broken, we really are communicating better these days she is talking to me so much more openly, I have tried so hard for years just to talk to her but failed to properly listen, not anymore.

Although it is early in the day I am certain we are going to have a fantastic day, we both spent some time in the garden, I sat in the sun whilst Shell hung up some washing.

Lunch or should I say Brunch time soon, we are going to have bacon and mushrooms in fresh bread Yum!


I cooked up the bacon and mushrooms, buttered some french stick then smothered it in Philadelphia, once the bacon and mushroom where slightly browned I placed them atop of the bread, the butter melted down to the plate and yes they where yummy.


Shell is playing The World of Warcraft, it is good for her to relax and forget about the world for a while, she has been on the go all week, I have tried hard to give her some space and help her as much as I can, I feel I understand her needs much more clearly, although I am still making the same silly mistakes, I will try harder everyday to make our family stronger, safer and happier.

So far today has been really lovely, the kids have been mostly happy and have been playing out for the best part of the day.

I’m going to go out now and smoke something before the sun goes down completely, today has been a blissfully normal and relaxing day, thank you, honey, I love you.


I realise it is tomorrow but I had to type this out as it’s playing on my mind.

We had a really great day and have had many such days lately, but I seem to keep ruining them at the last moment with inappropriate comments and questions, poor Shell, I gave her the perfect day today and ruined it by causing her painful emotions and feelings by speaking out of turn, I know it is the pain and resentment controlling my tongue but that does not make it okay, I am torturing myself because of my actions as I know what I said really upset her, how do I fix this problem?

I do not mean it, I am not even thinking, it is as if my mouth goes on auto pilot and all my fears and torment come out at once, it feels like my defences are running their own programme.

I have tried to just say how I feel calmly without a raised voice, I have managed to do so for the most part but the pressure of the baby is getting to me and I have started to raise my voice somewhat, I have to try harder, much harder, I do not want to stress the baby.

I am sorry my love for my line of questioning, so many unanswered questions and not enough answers, I need to stop seeking answers to the past and concentrate on the answers to our future, I know I am making you happy each day but just can’t stand it when I am succumbed by emotion and blame and throw it in your face.

I hope that the counselling will help, I am going to try and get them to start with this emotional outburst problem as right now I am handling everything else extremely well considering and know if I can only let go of this pain we can have a wonderful life together.

I am not going to allow the images and thaughts in my mind to control my life, I know I can let them pass with time, I sometimes feel that I am not coping very well at all this is so hard for me to understand, comprehend and deal with.

Thank you my love for supporting me when I am weak and thanking me when I have been strong, I am sorry my pain passes to you so frequently.

I seem to jump from normal to resentful to a heap of tears on the floor, I am sorry for not being strong enough to control how I feel, I promise you everyday I will try harder and I know I am fulfilling that promise within my heart, but must let you know that I love you, always have and always will, till death do us part and beyond.

Light shines in all directions at once.

Day Thirtyeight:

The day of Serendipity

serendipity |ˌserənˈdipitē | noun

The occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way:
A fortunate stroke of serendipity | a series of small serendipities.

Today as a fellow blogger puts it is a Pajama day I am absolutely knackerd from the walking I have done this week every muscle in my body exudes pain.

I am not getting dressed today and am going to spend the day chill axing and enjoying music, although I am in  an immense amount of pain I feel calm and still, Shell gave me a back rub earlier and took a lot of the stress and tension from me, I really need her to show me that she loves me now, the images in my mind are withering my soul.

Having a baby should be the happiest time of our lives and I am trying so hard to make it that way, I wish whole heartedly that the baby is mine and although I know the chances are very high that it is, the doubt in my mind is tormenting me and making it very hard to let go off all the pain.

Shell has just washed up and gone to pick up our son from school life goes on.

No turbo or exercise today but I have managed to do my emotions training it does help a lot and I am learning to control my brain, not it control me.

Shell and I had a big argument last night and said a lot of things to each other we really shouldn’t have, I am not going to go into it because it all started form nothing and neither of us where to blame, sometimes shit just happens.

Today we are both much calmer and have got a lot of held back feelings out in the open the truth hurts but once it is out you can heal.

It is a shame that some people still want to see hatred, that is up to them, but I am trying to not only lick my wounds but remember why they are there in the first place, if karma exists I must have acted extremely harshly previously in my life, there is no way out of that.

I do hope the other family involved are doing okay and are coping since they removed me from Facebook I have not been able to read their status updates, perhaps this is a good thing as it hurts to think of anything to do with my situation.

I have spent a lot of hours looking into Sensory Acuity and have been doing exercises to prepare myself for the NLP course in May, keeping focus on this and the baby is what is keeping me strong, we are looking into a private scan to get the conception dates as this will really help all parties involved and allow us to start planning and enjoying our baby.


We did end up making our turbo’s yippee, and after we had some ryvita and Philadelphia cheese with salad, we both helped each other make and clean everything.


Shell is now asleep on the sofa, she cleaned the kitchen, I got dressed and we made turbo’s together, my son always wants some, want your kids to eat spinach and celery? drink turbo’s and they will love it.

Before she fell asleep I put on the new David Gilmour album On an Island and gently caressed and kissed her belly, these are the magical moments that will keep us strong, as we clutched each others hands we just closed our eyes and reminisced in the moment.

It is times like this that make both of us know that we can get through this and we are strong enough to fight the demons and follow the path of the light.


Shell has been a sleep a while now and the house has got dark I have just noticed the time and cooked up some dinner for the kids, only beans and toast as it was late and they had ice cream and bananas for dessert.

Everyones settled down now to a movie on Netflix.

So it’s 00:42 tomorrow if you will, I have spent about an hour or so crying and dribbling on my self the day went great today and almost nothing went wrong, after Shell had a bath I got highly emotional and just burst into tears and stayed that way for about three hours, as I quietly sat on my own in the dark until now feeling sorry for myself.

Loving Kindness, Stu.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity;
an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Sir Winston Churchill

Winston Churchill (1874 – 1965) English: Winst...

Day Thirtyfive:

Chumbawamba – I Get Knocked Down lyrics

What’s with mornings, I keep waking up feeling so down and isolated, the first thing I knew this morning was that Shell had just got back from the doctors.

She is defiantly pregnant and there is no way at all to tell who’s it is, we can’t DNA test the baby until it is born nice one Darren and Shell you might be new parents of a child, I bet you didn’t think of that whilst your lust succumbed you.


Karen came over and gave Shell some support she also offered her a cigarette, why do that? She is pregnant? Of course Shell smoked it, sigh, she did get some patches from the doctor and said that was her last one, yeah right.


Shell has gone to get Brent from school, I had a hissy fit this morning although I tried so hard to stay calm and to some point I did, I kept splurging out crap from my mouth, it seems to run on auto pilot sometimes as I don’t mean what I am saying and haven’t even thought about it, just pure mindless noise spilling from my guts, it is as if the nicer and kinder I am the more shit comes from my mouth, from my unconscious.

I have no idea what to do now, how do I wait nine months to find out if this baby is mine or not?

How do we get past this now?

The only way I can do this is to trust my senses and instructs, they say this baby is mine and a girl, I don’t know how I know, I just feel it.

Every time I doubt it I get a huge image in my mind saying this child is yours and everything will be okay, the light will guide me.

Is this just my mind trying to cope and defend itself  from the massive emotional trauma I am suffering now or damn right foolish denial? It could simply be apart of the healing process I must endure, I am not  bad person I am trying so hard to cope.

We have both booked up counselling and I start first next week, it would be good to just get all this hatred, fear and pain out of my head.

I feel my whole world has fallen into a bottomless pit, as I spin further and further out of control I loose my mind, my spirit my soul.

I have lost most of my so-called friends and have no one I trust, this blog is my only sanctuary to let my emotions loose, this is how I am trying to heal myself as I am all alone and only have my self to talk to and to blame.

Then there is Jade, poor Jade I feel so much for her, I can feel how much this has hurt her and I am staying out-of-the-way for now, I do not want her to hurt anymore than she is, Jade is Shells daughter and I am her Step Dad, I really do not like those words she is my baby to me and always will be.

Shell and I have hurt her so much and caused her to feel jealous and resentful, she is also receiving a lot of hatful words from her Dad towards Shell and despite the fact he may think she is not worth the shit on your shoes it is wrong to say these things to your daughter about their Mum, no wonder Jade is feeling mentally ill when all she needs is love and support and told everything will be okay, not hate, I am sorry Jade that we have caused you so much more pain but please understand that the people around you are also making it worse by filling you with envy and hate by what they have said.

It is also wrong that he keeps thinking it’s okay to send Shell hate mail via Facebook grow up and stop harassing us and Jade, you may think you are protecting her and I honour you for that but stop using your hatred for Shell to hurt Jade.

15:00 The Police just knocked on our door and made me turn down my music the thing that annoys me is the officer and I where talking over the music to each other as I had not even turned it down yet, our new neighbours are not full of loving kindness and clearly are rather selfish people, they have continually banged on my wall the second I put on a single tune, without my music I am lost.

17:17 due to my sadness and damn right depressive nature today I have upset Shell and due to todays post have probably hurt her feelings, I have been selfish today and have only been concerned with my own emotional state, I feel so empty, like a void of nothing skulking in the shadows.

I have failed, I just took 2x Tramodol a while back and feel a lot calmer, the pain in my back has resided some what and I can feel the morphine rushing through my whole body, the Fibro Fog has cleared, but I know that this is temporary and is putting me backwards.
There is only four left and when Shell asked me how many I took in a frenzy of self hate I told her it had nothing to do with her and just sat on the floor and sulked.

I am sorry my love for not being strong enough to cope with all of this, despite what my senses and instincts tell me I am battling my mind and today, in fact he last few days, the doubter, the whiner, the procrastinator, the looser in my head won the race, and I never even heard the starting pistol fire.

I sit alone in the dark and silence waiting for my mind to pacify, as I meditate and calm myself urges to just hurt myself distort my reality.

I pray for forgiveness, I pray for good health, I pray that I am strong enough not to break, not to fall, that my inner loving kindness can shine and blind the darkness, Namaste.

“If you’re going to kill me, at least please tell me why!” Emeli Sandé

The past is history, the future is a mystery and the present is a gift.

The past is history, the future is a mystery and the present is a gift.