Rainbow Spirit – Universal Lover – by Fantuzzi

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I only feel loved by strangers

As family and friends.
Try to make amends of frivolous frustrations.
My pen, my scribe.
I fear, I hide.
Feelings of condemnation.

A simply note of gratitude
Was all that it would take.
To make me feel worthy.
To live another day.

Unusual and surprising.
Your comments knock me back.
Why do I exist in someones mind?
It’s only chilling and black.

Is it that you can feel my pain.
From across the seas? Or poor you?
Wrapped in empathy.
Do you just pity disease?

I only feel loved by strangers.
As odd as that does sound
But if not for you.
I’d bury my head deep beneath the ground!

Although I do not know you.
I really must implore.
Your loving kindness surrounds me.
I admit, a feeling I adore.

Unpleasant sensations filling up my head.
Worsened by the night when its time for bed.
A hand of love grasps me.
It holds me close and tight.

Thank you fellow bloggers.
I rest easier tonight.
I don’t know how to say this.
But always know its true.

If not for fellow bloggers.
I know not what I would do.
Many thanks I give you freely.
My arms held wide open to you.

Thank you, fellow bloggers for all of your support and kind heart felt comments, caring is only about being there when someone needs them even if that someones a stranger and a million miles away.

Namaste friends, may all your days be filled with genuine loving kindness and joyous harmony, may your lives be free from enmity of mind and body, may you be free from pain and anguish.

Thank you for your gifts of caring, loving light.

By Stuart Otway-Smith

Until you learn to heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed into the future.

Nas & Damian Marley – Count your blessings

Until you learn to heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed into the future.

Iyanla Vanzant

No matter what you’ve done

This is dedicated to our eldest daughter, whom since becoming a mother recently has suddenly become a beacon of shining light, an angel in the darkness, a person of honest compassion and loving kindness.

You bring so much joy and happiness to your Mum and I, even at such as distance.
Give baby a huge fluffy snuggle from us, we all miss you all so very much.

She sent me a message today and this came to mind so I wrote it down.

I’m so proud of her.

No matter what you’ve done.

I got a message today, from my daughter.
A memo that showed, all I’d taught her.
She said, spend time with the kids, and soon the baby
My Mum for heavens sakes, love her for ages.

Keep your chin up high, and stop moping.
Or her sister and her brother, would get lowly.
I know she doesn’t wan’t them, growing up.
With all the shit, in the back, of her garbage truck.

She continued to state, that a kiss and hug.
A kind spoken word, was just good enough.
Show a keen interest, in all that they do.
Then just like me, they’ll always love you!

It’s really a wonderful feeling.

When your baby gives advice that’s appealing.

You know that your job is good and done, 

When your child says; I love you Daddy!

No matter what you’ve done.

I got advice passed my way, from my eldest.
It’s not the first time at all, that I’ve heard this.
But coming from you, it makes all the difference.
I put your consultation, on top of my wish list.

I know sometimes what I write, it bothers you.
But sincerely I belay, my apology.
You’ve got your own family, to raise now.
Shouldn’t be worrying about, our break down.

If I could, I would gently rock and wake you.
From this nightmare, give you a hug and cradle.
I’m really very sorry, for the chat I type.
I hope that you forgive me, you made me smile tonight.

It’s really a wonderful feeling.

When your baby gives advice that’s appealing.

You know that your job is good and done, 

When your child says; I love you Daddy!

No matter what you’ve done.

I love you so very much my princess.

By Stuart Otway-Smith

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Open your eyes

Rihanna – Russian Roulette

Tell me that you’ll open your eyes, I’m far to old for long goodbyes.
Among the nether on the morrow, don’t waste a minute feeling sorrow.

Your naturel beauty, is all around me, the scent when you leave the room surrounds me.
I hold your hand, I feel you near, there is no need for fear.

Stroll with me along the path of light, I know it’s bright, I know your scared, but know till the end I’ll always be there.

Love eternal, without betrayal, life is not hammer and nail.

See me, feel me, don’t be blind, if you look I ‘m not hard to find.
See me, feel me, please be mine, love is more than bump n’ grind.
See me, feel me, try not to hide, We’ve both removed our disguise.
See me, feel me, the smokescreen has gone, We know now that we belong.

Scars are deep, I know I can feel, but life with you will make me heal.

By Stuart Otway-Smith

MyFreeCopyright.com Registered & Protected

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. 

Day Fortythree:



his success led to resentment from critics: bitterness, indignation, irritation, pique, dissatisfaction, disgruntlement, discontentment, discontent, resentfulness, bad feelings, hard feelings, ill will, acrimony, rancor, animosity, jaundice; envy, jealousy

Resentment is often at the heart of conflict. It’s the kind of anger that says, “I don’t deserve this” and “you are wrong.” So it’s not just an emotion; it makes claims about how you think you deserve to be treated, and that someone has not complied with that expectation.


I was rudely awoken really early this morning by the telephone ringing, it had rung to the point of frustration, to that point where you knew that if you had only got up to answer it; it would have stopped already!

Shell and the kids had left for school it was about 8:30 am the first time it called, it then rang over and over till about 09:30 am, I got up, hobbled down the stairs and answered it to a dial tone.

It rang shortly afterwards it was Shell’s friend whom is undergoing a difficult break up, she wanted to speak with her urgently!

She asked me if she had woken me up, I grumpily replied YES, told her to call her mobile and promptly hung up.

I must admit I do care for Shell’s friend dearly but her relationship problems are causing background stress and problems with ours, this is mainly due to the worry it causes Shell and her friends stress rubs of onto her making Shell stressed out. She has been calling at really inconvenient times, not her fault I know, often in the middle of dinner, a family film, and more frequently interrupting us talking when the kids are asleep.

I couldn’t sleep last night, no nightmares or bad images, but the pain in my spine kept me tossing and turning in anguish, thwarting my rest, I remember looking at the clock on my phone, I keep it under my pillow; it said 04:53 am.

Having only a few hours sleep is not good for a FM sufferer, I am full of Fibro Fog today, my mind feels numb and cloudy and I am having a hard time concentrating on what the hell I am doing, yet alone what I’m saying.

My back hurts and feels like it is twisted, buckled, crushed and trampled, my ankles cause severe discomfort when I put weight on them and I have pins and needles down the left side of my body, emotionally, I am completely drained, my batteries are not depleted they have been completely removed, Apple Menu / Shut Down.


Shell made an unscheduled trip to the doctors this morning as she had cramps in her belly, she is okay thankfully but my anxt has been increased as the doctor made the conception dates closer to the affair date.

If I am completely honest this news terrorized my emotions and I freaked out, RED ALERT! Shields up!

For the first time since this happened almost six weeks ago, I threw everything in Shells face all at once, please forgive me my love, it pains me to see you cry.

I feel so terrible and bitter, how can I say I love her the way I do and still feel so much pain and resentment?

I know we can fix this, today I feel that it was me that broke a string on our bow of love and not the other way around.

Although it is not my fault what happened, I should not have been so mean and inconsiderate to your feelings today.

Afterwards you smiled at me and said lets start the day again and I am pleased that you think I am worth that, I thank you for being so strong, I am liking this new more positive and affirmative you it suits you beautifully.

Sigh, today I let my brain and my emotions get the better of me, there is no excuse for it what so ever!

Apologising after the fact when you have said some really unthoughtful and hurtful things seems pointless, how ever I did try really hard to explain to Shell how looking at the calendar and figuring out conception dates to date how far she is gone was extremely hard for me to deal with, I found out Shell had the affair on my daughters birthday I only just realised this fact to be the case and Darren had come down that weekend and both of them knew of the occasion.

In addition to this we have received contact from him twice in the last week, and from others chatting malicious chants of upsetting propaganda.

I know I acted harshly and said a lot things I really shouldn’t have, how does one control the tongue’s ravenous tone?

For the first time since this tragedy, I actually lost it, all down to pure resentment, and for that I am truly despondent!

I was not thinking about what I was saying, how much it hurt, or even who was listening, at one point I was crying and ranting to my self on my own in the front room in turmoil, in a tantrum of fear, I wandered around the room crying and dribbling on myself.

I guess there will be days like this and I am thankful that they have been very few and far between, I have counselling tonight with Relate and am going to ask them to concentrate on my emotional outbursts as it is these that are putting pressure on both us and our healing.

Shell’s Mum has been saying she is worried about me, she worries because she feels I am trying to hard, maybe I am but what more can I do?

I have to try harder, clearly as I am still having times where my emotional pain is passing on to others and tormenting them.


Shell made us both a Turbo and then went to pick up our son from School.

Apart from the turmoil this morning we have had a good day, the sun is shining once again and I am going to sit in it’s healing light and just be still.

I have learnt a very valuable lesson today, that we all must be responsible not only for our actions but also for our words.


Shell just sent me a text I know she won’t mind me publishing it’s contents.

Shell says:

I love you so very much, you are everything my heart desires, I thank you for staying with me and wish you happiness and joy.

I said:

Namaste my Queen, may the light of our love shine eternal.


My support worker from YOU has just left and I went through the events of the last month once again, it does not matter how many times I speak about what happened it hurts just the same, I wish I could simply erase it from my mind.

She has known Shell and I for about a year now and was surprised her self at what had happened, there wasn’t any thing really to say or to do except to arrange some things regarding our move and sort out some paperwork.


Appointment with Relate for my first counselling session!
I’ll write about how that went later, no doubt I will have to traumatise my self again explaining to the counsellor what’s up, but I know that this will help us heal.


Just got back from my appointment with Relate I had a cry and a chat about it with Shell for about forty five minutes, she is now relaxing in the bath so I have some time to share my first appointment experience.

Wow! that was tough.

I arrived for my first appointment to Relate (Relationship counselling) apprehensive and anxious, I booked in at reception and was greeted with a smile, I was asked to wait in a small waiting room off to the side, it was painted white, and was very clinical, it had half a dozen chairs, I hadn’t noticed at first and thought they was all red, except for the one I was sitting on as it was green in colour, trust me to pick the odd one ^^

Multiple informational brochures, advice leaflets and such adorned the walls, As my eyes met up with the paraphernalia I started to notice the subject lines of the said pamphlets.

Subjects such as Has your partner been unfaithful? Suffering from the effects of an Affair? etc…
It is a relationship counselling service, so of course one would expect them to have literature on such subjects, for me though each and every one of them popped out as though to taunt me, then I burst into tears.

It wasn’t long before the counsellor popped her head around the corner, assumed it was me as I was alone and we headed towards another room.

This is where the roller coaster of torment, emotions and hap hazard babbling began.
It is not that the counsellor made me feel uneasy or that I felt ashamed of being there but letting it all out made my chest hurt, and my breath became irate and obtrusive.

She calmly passed me a tissue from a nearby box and patiently awaited my conformity.
After I got myself together she began to ask me a series of questions some of which where extremely painful to think about not alone answer.

Because of my pharmaceutical addiction, previous violent behaviour, our relationship problems, death in the family and the fact we had been evicted from a home recently she suggested that to treat me for relationship counselling I must first or as well as have psychodynamic therapy, this requires me to see a GP and get refereed, hopefully my support worker can assist me in arranging this as I really want to make our relationship work but I must address my own mental health issues first and for most if we are to get anywhere.

Shell is going there the same time next week, hopefully she won’t be considered as mad as me so she can get immediate help, I on the other hand am going to have to wait a while on a waiting list of some months before getting any help at all.

Overall it was a tough experience but I did feel some form of peace as I left the building and headed home.
It was worth going, it was my first step, unfortunately for me the next time I get some counselling might be a while, and the counsellor did say I needed assistance to help myself and there is nothing wrong with that.

TTFN, Namaste!

Words are Weapons by Eminem

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The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind

The soul always knows what to do the heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind

The soul always knows what to do the heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind

Often we find our selves battling our inner demons, the voices in our mind that torture us with their whining and pity.
Know that this is your voice, you are talking to your self, it is normal, it is okay, try changing those nasty voices in your mind to something more comical like mickey mouse or road runner, meep meep, I am sure if you think of a daft and silly voice to replace the idiots in your mind you to can see the funny side of the darker side of life.

I ask that you take a moment today, to silence the mind.

Sit comfortably

Close your eyes

Just relax

Just be

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